BEING SARAH.......

There are some things I want you to know about me and my condition. I am not necessarily shy, that's not what a panic disorder is. I am an outgoing person who often feels trapped inside a wall of fear. I get really angry sometimes because what I feel like is the real me trapped behind my anxiety. I probably want to be affectionate and laid back and fun at any given time but you make me nervous. It's not your fault, it's just people- it's nothing you do or did. I can only become desensitized to people by spending a lot of time with them and even then sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, with some people, it works right away. I know that what I'm afraid of isn't real. I know that the threat is an illusion and that I'm not really going to get hurt, but my body is telling me otherwise. I try to talk myself out of it but "fight or flight" is one of the most basic and powerful instincts of the body, and it doesn't always listen. I am working...

The boyfriend called me this morning and gave me both barrels saying that i don't try hard enough, that i have SO many problems he can't cope with them, he doesn't understand my skin picking....the list went on and on. In the end he told me to get to the fucking shop....stop being "LAZY"...... Now, of all the things you can call an agoraphobic, being called lazy doesn't go down too well. I am NOT lazy. I am scared. I still fear going out alone more than anything. Anyway, with that i put on my glasses and got on my sons bike and rode to the garage (AKA The Co-op). You can only ride so far and then i had to walk the rest of the way, it didn't take long, but the fear and anxiety as i got off the bike to walk was quite outstanding. I staggered into the shop like i was pissed, my hands were shaking, i felt sick, couldn't get a deep breath, proper anxiety.... Searching for coffee, round and around, couldn't see it anywhere.... For fucks sake.......