Thursday, February 02, 2012
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
The last couple of days...
I have accepted i am dying. It's ALS. Another hideous autoimmune disease.
What CONFIRMED it for me today was that i was experiencing (and have been for ages now), severe weakness, internal vibrations and twitches in my body, especially my legs - so i finally gave up and took a diazepam to make it go away, because it WOULD if i was ONLY experiencing 'anxiety'..... and low and behold, the symptoms remained, all fucking day long.
When i stand on my legs they are so very weak, they shake, i have NO strength in the any more...not only that, right now even with no weight on them, the vibrations are terrible and the twitching - the same. This is all to do with the nerves responding to the muscle dying.
I have tingling in my right foot when i touch the top of it which runs down into my numb little toe and 4th toe. My ulnar nerve also right side is so sensitive and i have no strength in my little finger what-so-ever.
I can barely get a sentence out without slurring either... I have given up.
I am exhausted. I just want the diagnoses.
I've started getting things in order now for when i am no longer here. I need to do it while i still have strength in my hands to carry out tasks.
What CONFIRMED it for me today was that i was experiencing (and have been for ages now), severe weakness, internal vibrations and twitches in my body, especially my legs - so i finally gave up and took a diazepam to make it go away, because it WOULD if i was ONLY experiencing 'anxiety'..... and low and behold, the symptoms remained, all fucking day long.
When i stand on my legs they are so very weak, they shake, i have NO strength in the any more...not only that, right now even with no weight on them, the vibrations are terrible and the twitching - the same. This is all to do with the nerves responding to the muscle dying.
I have tingling in my right foot when i touch the top of it which runs down into my numb little toe and 4th toe. My ulnar nerve also right side is so sensitive and i have no strength in my little finger what-so-ever.
I can barely get a sentence out without slurring either... I have given up.
I am exhausted. I just want the diagnoses.
I've started getting things in order now for when i am no longer here. I need to do it while i still have strength in my hands to carry out tasks.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Health anxiety IS killing me...
My tongue is CLEARLY wonking off to the left side..... And it hurts.... and i am still slurring.... :(
Saturday, January 28, 2012
This is me right now...
...With all the strange going's on with my body i have (obviously) convinced myself i have MS or worse than that ALS. I am shitting myself. I have been doing endless tests on my hands this morning, because what do you know, it appears that i have a problem with my *Ulnar Nerve*. I have weakness in my pinky.... and ulnar nerve problems are caused by... MS/ALS! I have a constant skin crawling sensation all over my face... i am really scared.
I am fixed up with a EMG on the 21st February... Panic time.
ONE HUNDRED anxiety symptoms...
...how many do YOU have?
Mine are in bold...
* Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions)
Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles
* Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin)
* Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin
* Body jolts, body zaps, electric jolt feeling in body, intense body tremor or “body shake”
* Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature
* Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin
* Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders
* Chest pain, chest tightness
* Choking
* Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out
* Clumsiness, feeling clumsy, co-ordination problems with the limbs or body
* Cold chills, feeling cold
* Craving sugar, sweets, chocolate, usual craving for sugar and sweets
* Difficulty speaking, moving mouth, talking, co-ordination problems with the mouth or tongue
* Dizziness, feeling lightheaded
* Dizzy, feeling dizzy
* Electric shock feeling, body zaps
* Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax
* Falling sensation, feel like your are falling or dropping even though you aren't
* Feel like you are going to pass out or faint
* Feeling cold or chilled
* Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
* Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
* Flushed face, red face, flushed skin
* Head Zaps
* Heart palpitations, racing heart
* Hyperactivity, excess energy, nervous energy
* Increased or decreased sex drive
* Infection - increased infections, persistent infection
* Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
* Muscles that vibrate, jitter, tremor, or shake when used
* Muscle twitching
* Nausea
* Nausea vomiting
* Neck, back, shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
* Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
* No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Numbness and tingling, and other skin sensations on hands, feet, face, head, or any other places on the body
* Persistent muscle tension, stiffness
* Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
* Pulsing or throbbing muscles. Pulsing or throbbing sensation.
* Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
* Sexual Dysfunction, sexual uninterest
* Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
* Shooting pains in the face
* Shooting pains in the scalp or head
* Skipped heart beats
* Sore or tight scalp or back of the neck
* Startle easily
* Sweating, uncontrollable profuse sweating
* The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason
* Tightness in the ribs or rib cage area, may also feel like a tight band around the ribs or rib cage area.
* Tingling sensations, anywhere on the body, including the hands, feet, legs, arms, head, mouth, chest, groin area
* Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
* TMJ
* Trembling or shaking
* Twitching
* Unsteadiness, dizziness, feeling dizzy or lightheaded
* Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom (similar to urinary tract or prostate infection symptoms)
* Warm spells
* Weak - feel weak, weakness, low energy, light, soft, like you may faint
* Weak legs, arms, or muscles
* Weight loss, weight gain
Chest (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the chest area):
* Chest pain or discomfort
* Concern about the heart
* Feel like you have to force yourself to breath
* Find it hard to breath, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
* Frequent yawning to try and catch your breath
* Heart Palpitations – beating hard or too fast, rapid heartbeat
* Heart - Irregular heart rhythms, flutters or ‘skipped’ beats, tickle in the chest that makes you cough
* Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
* Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
Emotions (see mood) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with emotions, mood, and feelings)
Fears (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with fear):
* A heightened fear of what people think of you
* Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits
* Constant feeling of being overwhelmed.
* Fear of being in public
* Fear of dying
* Fear of losing control
* Fear of impending doom
* Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
* Fear of passing out
* Fear that you are losing your mind
* Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations
* Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings
* Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness
* Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable
* Need to seat near exits
Head (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the head):
* Burning, itchy, tight scalp
* Dizziness
* Dizzy
* Dizziness or light-headedness
* Frequent headaches, migraine headaches
* Feeling like there is a tight band around your head, pressure, tightness
* Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
* Head zaps, head tremors
* Giddiness
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
* Shooting pains in the face
* Shooting pains in the scalp or head
* When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards
* Sore jaw that feels like a tooth ache
* TMJ (Temporo-Mandibular Joint) - clenching of the jaw or grinding of the teeth
Hearing/Ear(s) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with hearing):
* Feel like there is something stuck in your ear, that your ear canal it plugged or blocked, that there is a pebble in your ear that you can't get out
* Low rumbling sounds
* Reduced hearing, frequent or intermittent reduced hearing or deafness in one or both ears
* Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head
* Pulsing in the ears, throbbing sound in the ear(s)
Mind (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mind and thinking):
* Afraid of everything
* Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling
* Deja Vu, a feeling like you've done or experienced something before
* Depersonalization
* Derealization
* Desensitization
* Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss
* Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations
* Disorientation
* Fear of going crazy
* Fear of losing control
* Fear of impending doom
* Feelings of unreality
* Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
* Having difficulty concentrating
* Nightmares, bad dreams
* Obsession about sensations or getting better
* Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
* Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information
* Short-term memory impairment, can't remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago
* Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out
* "Stuck" thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that "stick" in your mind and replay over and over again.
* Trapped in your mind feeling
* Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
* You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders
Mood / Emotions (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with mood, emotions, and feelings):
* Always feeling angry and lack of patience
* Depersonalization
* Depression
* Dramatic mood swings (emotional flipping)
* Emotionally blunted, flat, or numb
* Emotional "flipping" (dramatic mood swings)
* Emotions feel wrong
* Everything is scary, frightening
* Feeling down in the dumps
* Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike
* Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
* Feel like crying for no apparent reason
* Have no feelings about things you used to
* Not feeling like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb
* Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
* You feel like you are under pressure all the time
Mouth/Stomach (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mouth and stomach):
* A ‘tinny’, ‘metallic’ or ‘ammonia’, or unusual smell or taste
* Aerophagia (swallowing too much air, stomach distention, belching)
* Burning mouth, feeling like the inside of your mouth is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these together or at different times
* Burning tongue, feeling like your tongue is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these, or all of these together or at different times
* Choking
* Constant craving for sugar or sweets
* Constipation
* Diarrhea
* Difficulty swallowing
* Difficulty talking, pronouncing certain letters or sounds, mouth feels like it isn't moving right, slurred speech
* Dry mouth
* Feeling like you can’t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat
* Feeling like your tongue is swollen
* IBS
* Lack of appetite or taste
* Lump in the throat, tight throat, something stuck in your throat
* Mouth muscles twitching/jumping
* Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
* Nausea
* Nausea vomiting
* Nausea or abdominal stress
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
* Teeth grinding
* The thought of eating makes you nauseous
* Tight throat, lump in throat
* Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
* TMJ
* Tongue symptoms - Tingly, “stretched,” numb, frozen, itchy, “crawly,” burning, twitching, “jumpy,” aching, sore, or swollen tongue (when it isn’t).
* Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom
* Vomiting
Skin (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the skin):
* Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Skin problems, infections, rashes
Sleep (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sleep):
* Difficulty falling or staying asleep
* Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams
* Hearing sounds in your head that jolt you awake
* Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night
* Jolting awake
* Waking up in a panic attack
* You feel worse in the mornings
Sight (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sight):
* Distorted, foggy, or blurred vision
* Dry, watery or itchy eyes
* Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn’t there, stars, flashes
* Eyes sensitive to light
* Spots in the vision
* Flashing lights when eyes are closed
* Your depth perception feels wrong
Touch (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with touch):
* Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
* Feeling cold or chilled
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Pain
* Tingling, pins and needles feelings
Other anxiety symptoms are described as:
Being like a hypochondriac, muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.
In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:
• Having a heart attack
• Having a serious undetected illness
• Dying prematurely
• Going insane or losing your mind
• Suddenly snapping
• Losing it
• Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love
• Losing control of your thoughts and actions
• Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself
• Losing control
• Fainting in public
• Not breathing properly
• Losing control of reality
• Choking or suffocating
• Being alone
Mine are in bold...
* Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions)
Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles
* Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin)
* Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin
* Body jolts, body zaps, electric jolt feeling in body, intense body tremor or “body shake”
* Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature
* Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin
* Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders
* Chest pain, chest tightness
* Choking
* Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out
* Clumsiness, feeling clumsy, co-ordination problems with the limbs or body
* Cold chills, feeling cold
* Craving sugar, sweets, chocolate, usual craving for sugar and sweets
* Difficulty speaking, moving mouth, talking, co-ordination problems with the mouth or tongue
* Dizziness, feeling lightheaded
* Dizzy, feeling dizzy
* Electric shock feeling, body zaps
* Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax
* Falling sensation, feel like your are falling or dropping even though you aren't
* Feel like you are going to pass out or faint
* Feeling cold or chilled
* Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
* Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
* Flushed face, red face, flushed skin
* Head Zaps
* Heart palpitations, racing heart
* Hyperactivity, excess energy, nervous energy
* Increased or decreased sex drive
* Infection - increased infections, persistent infection
* Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
* Muscles that vibrate, jitter, tremor, or shake when used
* Muscle twitching
* Nausea
* Nausea vomiting
* Neck, back, shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
* Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
* No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Numbness and tingling, and other skin sensations on hands, feet, face, head, or any other places on the body
* Persistent muscle tension, stiffness
* Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
* Pulsing or throbbing muscles. Pulsing or throbbing sensation.
* Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
* Sexual Dysfunction, sexual uninterest
* Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
* Shooting pains in the face
* Shooting pains in the scalp or head
* Skipped heart beats
* Sore or tight scalp or back of the neck
* Startle easily
* Sweating, uncontrollable profuse sweating
* The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason
* Tightness in the ribs or rib cage area, may also feel like a tight band around the ribs or rib cage area.
* Tingling sensations, anywhere on the body, including the hands, feet, legs, arms, head, mouth, chest, groin area
* Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
* TMJ
* Trembling or shaking
* Twitching
* Unsteadiness, dizziness, feeling dizzy or lightheaded
* Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom (similar to urinary tract or prostate infection symptoms)
* Warm spells
* Weak - feel weak, weakness, low energy, light, soft, like you may faint
* Weak legs, arms, or muscles
* Weight loss, weight gain
Chest (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the chest area):
* Chest pain or discomfort
* Concern about the heart
* Feel like you have to force yourself to breath
* Find it hard to breath, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
* Frequent yawning to try and catch your breath
* Heart Palpitations – beating hard or too fast, rapid heartbeat
* Heart - Irregular heart rhythms, flutters or ‘skipped’ beats, tickle in the chest that makes you cough
* Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
* Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
Emotions (see mood) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with emotions, mood, and feelings)
Fears (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with fear):
* A heightened fear of what people think of you
* Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits
* Constant feeling of being overwhelmed.
* Fear of being in public
* Fear of dying
* Fear of losing control
* Fear of impending doom
* Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
* Fear of passing out
* Fear that you are losing your mind
* Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations
* Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings
* Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness
* Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable
* Need to seat near exits
Head (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the head):
* Burning, itchy, tight scalp
* Dizziness
* Dizzy
* Dizziness or light-headedness
* Frequent headaches, migraine headaches
* Feeling like there is a tight band around your head, pressure, tightness
* Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
* Head zaps, head tremors
* Giddiness
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
* Shooting pains in the face
* Shooting pains in the scalp or head
* When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards
* Sore jaw that feels like a tooth ache
* TMJ (Temporo-Mandibular Joint) - clenching of the jaw or grinding of the teeth
Hearing/Ear(s) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with hearing):
* Feel like there is something stuck in your ear, that your ear canal it plugged or blocked, that there is a pebble in your ear that you can't get out
* Low rumbling sounds
* Reduced hearing, frequent or intermittent reduced hearing or deafness in one or both ears
* Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head
* Pulsing in the ears, throbbing sound in the ear(s)
Mind (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mind and thinking):
* Afraid of everything
* Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling
* Deja Vu, a feeling like you've done or experienced something before
* Depersonalization
* Derealization
* Desensitization
* Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss
* Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations
* Disorientation
* Fear of going crazy
* Fear of losing control
* Fear of impending doom
* Feelings of unreality
* Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
* Having difficulty concentrating
* Nightmares, bad dreams
* Obsession about sensations or getting better
* Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
* Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information
* Short-term memory impairment, can't remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago
* Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out
* "Stuck" thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that "stick" in your mind and replay over and over again.
* Trapped in your mind feeling
* Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
* You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders
Mood / Emotions (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with mood, emotions, and feelings):
* Always feeling angry and lack of patience
* Depersonalization
* Depression
* Dramatic mood swings (emotional flipping)
* Emotionally blunted, flat, or numb
* Emotional "flipping" (dramatic mood swings)
* Emotions feel wrong
* Everything is scary, frightening
* Feeling down in the dumps
* Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike
* Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
* Feel like crying for no apparent reason
* Have no feelings about things you used to
* Not feeling like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb
* Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
* You feel like you are under pressure all the time
Mouth/Stomach (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mouth and stomach):
* A ‘tinny’, ‘metallic’ or ‘ammonia’, or unusual smell or taste
* Aerophagia (swallowing too much air, stomach distention, belching)
* Burning mouth, feeling like the inside of your mouth is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these together or at different times
* Burning tongue, feeling like your tongue is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these, or all of these together or at different times
* Choking
* Constant craving for sugar or sweets
* Constipation
* Diarrhea
* Difficulty swallowing
* Difficulty talking, pronouncing certain letters or sounds, mouth feels like it isn't moving right, slurred speech
* Dry mouth
* Feeling like you can’t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat
* Feeling like your tongue is swollen
* IBS
* Lack of appetite or taste
* Lump in the throat, tight throat, something stuck in your throat
* Mouth muscles twitching/jumping
* Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
* Nausea
* Nausea vomiting
* Nausea or abdominal stress
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
* Teeth grinding
* The thought of eating makes you nauseous
* Tight throat, lump in throat
* Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
* TMJ
* Tongue symptoms - Tingly, “stretched,” numb, frozen, itchy, “crawly,” burning, twitching, “jumpy,” aching, sore, or swollen tongue (when it isn’t).
* Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom
* Vomiting
Skin (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the skin):
* Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Skin problems, infections, rashes
Sleep (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sleep):
* Difficulty falling or staying asleep
* Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams
* Hearing sounds in your head that jolt you awake
* Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night
* Jolting awake
* Waking up in a panic attack
* You feel worse in the mornings
Sight (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sight):
* Distorted, foggy, or blurred vision
* Dry, watery or itchy eyes
* Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn’t there, stars, flashes
* Eyes sensitive to light
* Spots in the vision
* Flashing lights when eyes are closed
* Your depth perception feels wrong
Touch (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with touch):
* Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
* Feeling cold or chilled
* Numbness
* Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
* Pain
* Tingling, pins and needles feelings
Other anxiety symptoms are described as:
Being like a hypochondriac, muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.
In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:
• Having a heart attack
• Having a serious undetected illness
• Dying prematurely
• Going insane or losing your mind
• Suddenly snapping
• Losing it
• Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love
• Losing control of your thoughts and actions
• Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself
• Losing control
• Fainting in public
• Not breathing properly
• Losing control of reality
• Choking or suffocating
• Being alone
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
How it goes...
Whether i sleep or don't sleep i always feel exhausted > Feel unwell (pained, palpitations, neuro symptoms) > panicky (health anxiety > not wanting to go out > depression > feel more unwell > more depressed > definitely don't want to go out.... when i DO go out it's ... feel ill > anxiety > panic > need to get home.
That's my life, right there... Battling constantly with feeling SO ill... ALL the time. SO tired that i can't even muster enough energy to go to the toilet, i sit and wait until i am on the brink and crawl to the bathroom.....
This is NOT fucking normal.
That's my life, right there... Battling constantly with feeling SO ill... ALL the time. SO tired that i can't even muster enough energy to go to the toilet, i sit and wait until i am on the brink and crawl to the bathroom.....
This is NOT fucking normal.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sideboard-tastic.....
In the 12 1/2 years i have lived in this house, i have NEVER had new furniture in my front room. My sofa was second hand, my old CD shelf was from the 60's if not earlier and the TV unit, well - i have blogged about that. That was a VERY cheap Argos black ash unit that my BIL built a pine cupboard around it... Anyway.... slightly off topic. I LOVE my new sideboard. I fits in all my CDs/DVD's... and they are HIDDEN... a-maz-ing.
Because of the vast expanse of space on top... i had to put something on it.... and this is what's there - left to right....
Picture of me and the boy, re-framed, 5 Buddha's and a magic wand. My new piece of art and in front of that a bowl of Hersheys yumminess. I big foam 'S' that my BF purchased for me. A picture of me and the BF, then one of the boy and me and finally a snow globe... :)
Because of the vast expanse of space on top... i had to put something on it.... and this is what's there - left to right....
Picture of me and the boy, re-framed, 5 Buddha's and a magic wand. My new piece of art and in front of that a bowl of Hersheys yumminess. I big foam 'S' that my BF purchased for me. A picture of me and the BF, then one of the boy and me and finally a snow globe... :)
Saturday, January 21, 2012
NEARLY done...
Stair carpet - Monday
Snuggle Chair - 5 weeks....
I am pissed off that i completely overspent and the loan just didn't cover it and had no money for new furniture for the boy... but HE WILL get it - just have to wait a bit... and he is MORE than happy with his room ;) ;)
Snuggle Chair - 5 weeks....
I am pissed off that i completely overspent and the loan just didn't cover it and had no money for new furniture for the boy... but HE WILL get it - just have to wait a bit... and he is MORE than happy with his room ;) ;)
Friday, January 20, 2012
Agoraphobia, the M25 and Ikea!
Let's talk agoraphobia... Fed up of the decorating chat... It's STILL going on... I will talk more when it's finished and i am not wearing a dusk mast to get from room to room!
Ikea. Ikea is roughly 1hr - 1h 20 minutes away, depending on the traffic through the next big town. Yesterday, we left at 6.30pm and the traffic was terrible, every light was red and it did take us well over an hour, coming home i think we did it in just under an hour... so made good progress despite it peeing down and not good splashback from the lorries.
My mother WILL NOT drive on 'big' roads, that is any road bigger than a normal town/country road, so that leaves me... i am not a lover either... in fact we hit the first part of the big road an my heart races and i am gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, in fact, we get to the other end and we have to peel my hands off the wheel. Anyway...primarily, above the driving part I have a fear of going out in the dark and 2 of our trips to Ikea have been in the dark. Ugh! Doesn't make me happy, but still i managed to do it, I think because i am concentrating on the other 3, sometimes 4 lanes of traffic and road signs, i seem to cope with it. It doesn't excite me... but i cope. Could i do it with the BF? Unlikely. Anyone else in the car? Nope. So that just leaves my mother then!!!!
Most people know how Ikea works. You go in... and once you're in, you're in... there is NO escaping until you leave....plus, it IS fooking enormous. We had to go straight to the customer services to take something back, then we went off to find my bits. All fine... until we forgot a teeny part... which i asked my boy to get but he couldn't find the right aisle so i said i'd go... BIG MISTAKE. As i walked off i shouted at my mother to stay where she was because the trek to the right aisle was a long way, i reckon we walked 2 miles around there yesterday...! So i get halfway and think, i bet she's moved.... so i get panicky and trot back...and what do you know? She'd moved!!! For about 10 seconds until i saw her again panic had properly set it...
Off i went again to pick up the bits that i needed. It took a good 5 minutes to get to the right place and find the bit, i could feel me getting more panicky and really wanting just to run, but to run back to my mother was a long way... so i stuck with the panic, eventually finding the bit that i needed and surprisingly calmly walked back to where mum was waiting.. Ugh! Scary shit.
In terms of 'going out' i've done bloody well......
In terms of coping with the mess in my house, terrible....
There will be NO end to the mess i have to clear up...
Ikea. Ikea is roughly 1hr - 1h 20 minutes away, depending on the traffic through the next big town. Yesterday, we left at 6.30pm and the traffic was terrible, every light was red and it did take us well over an hour, coming home i think we did it in just under an hour... so made good progress despite it peeing down and not good splashback from the lorries.
My mother WILL NOT drive on 'big' roads, that is any road bigger than a normal town/country road, so that leaves me... i am not a lover either... in fact we hit the first part of the big road an my heart races and i am gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, in fact, we get to the other end and we have to peel my hands off the wheel. Anyway...primarily, above the driving part I have a fear of going out in the dark and 2 of our trips to Ikea have been in the dark. Ugh! Doesn't make me happy, but still i managed to do it, I think because i am concentrating on the other 3, sometimes 4 lanes of traffic and road signs, i seem to cope with it. It doesn't excite me... but i cope. Could i do it with the BF? Unlikely. Anyone else in the car? Nope. So that just leaves my mother then!!!!
Most people know how Ikea works. You go in... and once you're in, you're in... there is NO escaping until you leave....plus, it IS fooking enormous. We had to go straight to the customer services to take something back, then we went off to find my bits. All fine... until we forgot a teeny part... which i asked my boy to get but he couldn't find the right aisle so i said i'd go... BIG MISTAKE. As i walked off i shouted at my mother to stay where she was because the trek to the right aisle was a long way, i reckon we walked 2 miles around there yesterday...! So i get halfway and think, i bet she's moved.... so i get panicky and trot back...and what do you know? She'd moved!!! For about 10 seconds until i saw her again panic had properly set it...
Off i went again to pick up the bits that i needed. It took a good 5 minutes to get to the right place and find the bit, i could feel me getting more panicky and really wanting just to run, but to run back to my mother was a long way... so i stuck with the panic, eventually finding the bit that i needed and surprisingly calmly walked back to where mum was waiting.. Ugh! Scary shit.
In terms of 'going out' i've done bloody well......
In terms of coping with the mess in my house, terrible....
There will be NO end to the mess i have to clear up...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Just got back from Ikea...
...AGAIN! It's 10.20PM!!! Ugh.. That M25 is becoming my friend.
Why again? I purchased the small TV unit, took it to a nice man that my mum recommended to put it together for me... and the frigger didn't go together, something wasn't right so we had to take it back. Which wasn't too bad, because tonight Ikea DID have my sideboard unit in... so mother got me that for Christmas because she didn't need to buy the paint since the decorators have scratched my new floor...GRRR! Not happy about that, but it's where the rug is going to be, so yeah, no one will see it, but it's not really the point.
Why again? I purchased the small TV unit, took it to a nice man that my mum recommended to put it together for me... and the frigger didn't go together, something wasn't right so we had to take it back. Which wasn't too bad, because tonight Ikea DID have my sideboard unit in... so mother got me that for Christmas because she didn't need to buy the paint since the decorators have scratched my new floor...GRRR! Not happy about that, but it's where the rug is going to be, so yeah, no one will see it, but it's not really the point.
Give me strength!
Everything is taking SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long. I *think* this morning the lounge and has been undercoated and he's now in the boys room glossing... i THINK! I am shut up in my room, sinuses are on fire from all the paint fumes, it's bloody freezing in here and i am fed the fuck up!
I WANT MY HOUSE BACK NOW!
I am sick of everywhere i turn there is a thick layer of dust... My bedstead is COVERED in dust. My chest of drawers, COVERED, my floor (what you can see of it) is COVERED. The kitchen, COVERED..... Remind me NEVER to get 3 rooms done at once again. I have been living in a shit hole for weeks now... WEEKS!
Anyway... something better... So i mentioned a 'snuggle chair' - this is the smaller version of the chair, and i believe i purchased the brown and blue cushion thats on it... I can't really remember, but i think i did. I love all the colours in it because it's going to tie in perfectly with everything that is going on in the room...
...Providing i have the measurements right this is going to sit in the alcove. All nice and snugly on the 'snuggle chair'.... Love it..
The neurologist implied i am imagining EVERYTHING and i am completely mental - that's the end of that.
I WANT MY HOUSE BACK NOW!
I am sick of everywhere i turn there is a thick layer of dust... My bedstead is COVERED in dust. My chest of drawers, COVERED, my floor (what you can see of it) is COVERED. The kitchen, COVERED..... Remind me NEVER to get 3 rooms done at once again. I have been living in a shit hole for weeks now... WEEKS!
Anyway... something better... So i mentioned a 'snuggle chair' - this is the smaller version of the chair, and i believe i purchased the brown and blue cushion thats on it... I can't really remember, but i think i did. I love all the colours in it because it's going to tie in perfectly with everything that is going on in the room...
...Providing i have the measurements right this is going to sit in the alcove. All nice and snugly on the 'snuggle chair'.... Love it..
The neurologist implied i am imagining EVERYTHING and i am completely mental - that's the end of that.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Good golly...
Panicked last night. I was freaking out. I could NOT move anywhere in my house. My kitchen was even more rammed (if that was possible). I had to call the BF to come and get some of the things from there to take away, i could not squeeze past and climb over boxes any more.
Yesterday when i had come home, all the flooring in the hall way/lounge and my boys room was down. Today they are undercoating the woodwork and hopefully painting the lounge. It will NOT be finished until Friday... :(
My boy is staying at his Nanny's due to NO WHERE TO SLEEP! I HATE having him away from me, doesn't feel right. I HATE sitting in my BEDROOM and having to eat my dinner.... :(
I am not posting any more pictures of the house until its all finished... My lounge won't be 'complete' for weeks because i have to get to IKEA AGAIN to pick up my sideboard and my 'snuggle chair' that i ordered from Next won't be here until March.... So no pictures of that room just yet...
I will be happy come Friday and my blinds are up and i can get the boys room back in order....
..oh yeah... and the carpet being fitted.... Monday... or perhaps i can get it done Saturday afternoon!?................. Fed up of treading on staples and nails on the stairs... it hurts!!!
My mood is REALLY low at the moment, i don't feel well and i'm exhausted.
Yesterday when i had come home, all the flooring in the hall way/lounge and my boys room was down. Today they are undercoating the woodwork and hopefully painting the lounge. It will NOT be finished until Friday... :(
My boy is staying at his Nanny's due to NO WHERE TO SLEEP! I HATE having him away from me, doesn't feel right. I HATE sitting in my BEDROOM and having to eat my dinner.... :(
I am not posting any more pictures of the house until its all finished... My lounge won't be 'complete' for weeks because i have to get to IKEA AGAIN to pick up my sideboard and my 'snuggle chair' that i ordered from Next won't be here until March.... So no pictures of that room just yet...
I will be happy come Friday and my blinds are up and i can get the boys room back in order....
..oh yeah... and the carpet being fitted.... Monday... or perhaps i can get it done Saturday afternoon!?................. Fed up of treading on staples and nails on the stairs... it hurts!!!
My mood is REALLY low at the moment, i don't feel well and i'm exhausted.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Not one...not two...not three.....
....but FOUR workmen have just turned up at my house......!!!!!
I was expecting ONE!
I was expecting ONE!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Updating...
My boys chest of drawers... All sanded/varnished with new knobs on it... :)
Stair carpet gone... Ready for redecorating to begin tomorrow :)
A women took my a part of my stair carpet off the drive, it was all folded up and ready to go to the skip but she needed carpet, so obviously i let her have it. Then she came back for the rest, for some reason i offered her my small black sofa... Why? Because i felt a little bit sorry for her. Do i have a new one? No. Do i need a new one now? Yes. I wasn't intending on purchasing a sofa..but i just felt that she had even less than i did and it turns out, that my neighbour knows her and she really doesn't have anything, so i have helped her out.
Wardrobe sanded and varnished. My boys bed primed and ready for varnishing tomorrow.
So... On Thursday my mother took me back to Ikea, this time it was a little bit more successful. I got a small TV unit, i decided i didn't want to have the 'shabby chic' one, i got the silver knobs for the boy's drawers, i got a picture frame...mirror...a few bits actually. On Saturday we went shopping and i got the boy 3 new duvet sets..... it's all coming together.
I spoke to the decorator today and i was really happy when he told me that he'll be finished Stinks room on Tuesday... Very good news... I can start putting his room back together.
That's all for now.
Oh.. I do have a neuro appointment on Wednesday due to all my weird numbness/tingling/weakness/shaking/twitching/burning/skin crawling/itching/ etc that has been happening....bit scared :(
Stair carpet gone... Ready for redecorating to begin tomorrow :)
A women took my a part of my stair carpet off the drive, it was all folded up and ready to go to the skip but she needed carpet, so obviously i let her have it. Then she came back for the rest, for some reason i offered her my small black sofa... Why? Because i felt a little bit sorry for her. Do i have a new one? No. Do i need a new one now? Yes. I wasn't intending on purchasing a sofa..but i just felt that she had even less than i did and it turns out, that my neighbour knows her and she really doesn't have anything, so i have helped her out.
Wardrobe sanded and varnished. My boys bed primed and ready for varnishing tomorrow.
So... On Thursday my mother took me back to Ikea, this time it was a little bit more successful. I got a small TV unit, i decided i didn't want to have the 'shabby chic' one, i got the silver knobs for the boy's drawers, i got a picture frame...mirror...a few bits actually. On Saturday we went shopping and i got the boy 3 new duvet sets..... it's all coming together.
I spoke to the decorator today and i was really happy when he told me that he'll be finished Stinks room on Tuesday... Very good news... I can start putting his room back together.
That's all for now.
Oh.. I do have a neuro appointment on Wednesday due to all my weird numbness/tingling/weakness/shaking/twitching/burning/skin crawling/itching/ etc that has been happening....bit scared :(
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Interesting...
I have just noticed blogger has a 'Stat' button at the top here... I have no idea when it arrived, but it's there..
I thought i'd check out my stats and see if anyone is reading, and yes.... i am having a regular amount of readers per. day, however, it appears that i get more views when something awful happens to me... Like i am on the verge of suicide, or my boyfriend pisses me off... I've had comments before saying i am too pessimistic but it's clear that people like to read when am having a breakdown... Me doing up my house, doing 'normal' things... Not quite as interesting. Between the 19th - 22nd and the 29th - 31st Dec i was having roughly 200+ views a day and when i checked my posts, yes, i was having a bad time...
So it appears misery/depression/hurt/upset/depression/my misfortune is good to read about. Excellent.
I thought i'd check out my stats and see if anyone is reading, and yes.... i am having a regular amount of readers per. day, however, it appears that i get more views when something awful happens to me... Like i am on the verge of suicide, or my boyfriend pisses me off... I've had comments before saying i am too pessimistic but it's clear that people like to read when am having a breakdown... Me doing up my house, doing 'normal' things... Not quite as interesting. Between the 19th - 22nd and the 29th - 31st Dec i was having roughly 200+ views a day and when i checked my posts, yes, i was having a bad time...
So it appears misery/depression/hurt/upset/depression/my misfortune is good to read about. Excellent.
So i went to Ikea...
...and purchased NOTHING!!!
All that happened while i was there, was that the floor felt like it was moving up and down. A THICK SOLID floor.... I am going nuts or.. my legs are no longer working properly.
All that happened while i was there, was that the floor felt like it was moving up and down. A THICK SOLID floor.... I am going nuts or.. my legs are no longer working properly.
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