No. 1 - It's 11.30pm and my neighbour has her washing machine going. It has been on since...oh...8.30 (multiple loads me thinks), anyway...her kitchen is DIRECTLY UNDER MY FRIGGING BEDROOM - meaning - my bed is shaking from the fucking machine spin, and to be honest, it sounds like shit and that its just about to break. CHOOSE YOUR WASH TIMES BETTER! And no, she isn't on economy 7 either!!!!!!! It is getting on my nerves now.
No. 2 - STRESSED (hence title). I have just spent the last hour and something minutes with my boyfriend telling me about i am not pushing myself. Don't get me wrong, its definitely not in the same was as my arsehole ex use to do it, because there is no, "I will finish with you if you don't do this/do that." He was saying, which i do agree with, that i don't push myself enough and that i am too lazy when it comes to doing exactly that. And yes he is right. I recently left a comment on Roberts blog and like i have said a gazillion times before on here, the fear of panic is greater than my desire (at times) to get well. Oh yeah...i would LOVE a normal life, if i could wave a magic wand and bypass all the bollocks that we have to go through to get there i wouldn't frigging hesitate.
What he can't understand is that how can i do all what i do with my mother, but not with him. He asked me "What can my mother do, that he can't". I really struggled to answer, all i came up with is that mum has been through it with me for longer and that she can help me when i feel panicky. Then he said "Why can't i do that, in fact, i CAN do that." I don't know if its still the fear of embarrassing myself in front of him, or acting like a loon...i don't know, but there is something that is holding me back from letting completely go. He said to me (which made me feel immensely under pressure and i HATE that), we should go out for dinner on Monday, because in 5 months he's asked nothing of me, and that is what he would really like me to do. Instantly i felt overwhelmed. Sitting eating a meal...is scary shit. What i explained to him is that most of the time when i go out i feel anxious, meaning i feel sick, so really that LAST thing i want to do is eat...but he didn't really understand that. He also said that i never suggest to do anything and i replied, that must be because i don't want to! But that was a response he didn't want to hear...I KNOW i must push myself harder - that is the story of most agoraphobics' lives. I told him that a panic attack must feel quite bad for it to have such a dramatic effect on my life, after all - a tickle on the chin would create such havoc now, would it????
I understand what he is saying. I do need to push myself, but i am scared and i am a baby....what can i do?
Yesterday (and this is what makes me think i am fighting a losing battle), i was upstairs in Tesco standing with my mother and suddenly, like she does, she vanished. I fucking hate that. I was calling her, Stinky was calling her, but no answer. I was getting more and more panicky because we were a fair distance from the car. I felt panic rising i didn't know what to do, it felt like an eternity. Stink kept disapearing too and that pissed me off. I called again and again, and still nothing. I was pacing like an idiot...then, i found her. I was SO mad. Why does she do that?? She's knows i hate it when i don't know where she is. I was about 3 seconds from fall blown, puking meltdown. Thing is, as soon as i found her - panic went. No where to be felt. I hate this shit.
Dear God, Please guide to get well...i am tired of living a life shrouded in panic misery, scared to do every day things, scared to live like i am meant to be living, this is NO life...Please help me. Give me the strength to fight this hell..i do not deserve to be like this anymore, 11 1/2 years of my time is plenty. Amen.