"It's all in my head"

Lets bloody hope so.

For this past week i have peed for Britian, i feel sick unless i am gorging (really bad cravings for sweet stuff), i never usually eat in the day, i am knackered, dizzy, headachey and generally feeling blah. My boobs have that awful feeling like they do just before you'd breast feed, any mothers out there will know what i mean, that chronic tingling...

Perhaps i'm worrying that bloody pill didn't work.... :(
I am due anytime now...lets hope we see some activity really soon...

TMI? Who cares?

I am due my first period since the morning after pill - and frigging hell am i in pain! Usually (since i had Stinky) i no longer get bad cramps, just a headache, but today...OMG - it hurts :(

Stressed.

No. 1 - It's 11.30pm and my neighbour has her washing machine going. It has been on since...oh...8.30 (multiple loads me thinks), anyway...her kitchen is DIRECTLY UNDER MY FRIGGING BEDROOM - meaning - my bed is shaking from the fucking machine spin, and to be honest, it sounds like shit and that its just about to break. CHOOSE YOUR WASH TIMES BETTER! And no, she isn't on economy 7 either!!!!!!! It is getting on my nerves now.

No. 2 - STRESSED (hence title). I have just spent the last hour and something minutes with my boyfriend telling me about i am not pushing myself. Don't get me wrong, its definitely not in the same was as my arsehole ex use to do it, because there is no, "I will finish with you if you don't do this/do that." He was saying, which i do agree with, that i don't push myself enough and that i am too lazy when it comes to doing exactly that. And yes he is right. I recently left a comment on Roberts blog and like i have said a gazillion times before on here, the fear of panic is greater than my desire (at times) to get well. Oh yeah...i would LOVE a normal life, if i could wave a magic wand and bypass all the bollocks that we have to go through to get there i wouldn't frigging hesitate.

What he can't understand is that how can i do all what i do with my mother, but not with him. He asked me "What can my mother do, that he can't". I really struggled to answer, all i came up with is that mum has been through it with me for longer and that she can help me when i feel panicky. Then he said "Why can't i do that, in fact, i CAN do that." I don't know if its still the fear of embarrassing myself in front of him, or acting like a loon...i don't know, but there is something that is holding me back from letting completely go. He said to me (which made me feel immensely under pressure and i HATE that), we should go out for dinner on Monday, because in 5 months he's asked nothing of me, and that is what he would really like me to do. Instantly i felt overwhelmed. Sitting eating a meal...is scary shit. What i explained to him is that most of the time when i go out i feel anxious, meaning i feel sick, so really that LAST thing i want to do is eat...but he didn't really understand that. He also said that i never suggest to do anything and i replied, that must be because i don't want to! But that was a response he didn't want to hear...I KNOW i must push myself harder - that is the story of most agoraphobics' lives. I told him that a panic attack must feel quite bad for it to have such a dramatic effect on my life, after all - a tickle on the chin would create such havoc now, would it????

I understand what he is saying. I do need to push myself, but i am scared and i am a baby....what can i do?

Yesterday (and this is what makes me think i am fighting a losing battle), i was upstairs in Tesco standing with my mother and suddenly, like she does, she vanished. I fucking hate that. I was calling her, Stinky was calling her, but no answer. I was getting more and more panicky because we were a fair distance from the car. I felt panic rising i didn't know what to do, it felt like an eternity. Stink kept disapearing too and that pissed me off. I called again and again, and still nothing. I was pacing like an idiot...then, i found her. I was SO mad. Why does she do that?? She's knows i hate it when i don't know where she is. I was about 3 seconds from fall blown, puking meltdown. Thing is, as soon as i found her - panic went. No where to be felt. I hate this shit.

Dear God, Please guide to get well...i am tired of living a life shrouded in panic misery, scared to do every day things, scared to live like i am meant to be living, this is NO life...Please help me. Give me the strength to fight this hell..i do not deserve to be like this anymore, 11 1/2 years of my time is plenty. Amen.

Up on soapbox.

I am going to have a rant here.

We were watching the ten o'clock news last night and there was a REPORT on there about a women who'd left her FOUR young children alone (between the ages of 3 months and 4 years) while she went on a 24 HOUR drink and drug bender.

Okay, so i am a far from perfect mother, but fuck me....WHAT THE HELL???? 3 months old? They showed footage from inside the house where the children had moved chairs to search for food...it makes me SO mad.

There are thousands of women out there desperate for children, try so hard going through IVF...and end up unsuccessful, but then you have this fucking pathetic excuse of a mother who does this. UGH! I am MAD. These kind of women do not deserve to have children...ANYWHERE NEAR HER!

Her punishment - NOTHING. Walked free.

What kind of example is being set? The law thinks its okay for this to happen? Okay, so the children are now being cared for by the grandparents...but the WOMEN - lock the bitch up.

WHEN SARAH MET.....

...Ruby Wax!!!!!!

I've had the most unbelievable day. I was interviewed again by Ruby Wax, but this time at my mothers house. It's a follow up to my last interview that took place over Skype back in February...kind of a...."What happened next".

She was very down to earth, held my hand all the time...made me feel comfortable. We went out to the park first of all near my mothers house and then we took it to a park in town where i had to see how far i could go. To get into the park itself was a fair distance from the flipping car, so i was well out of my comfort zone before we even started. I did start getting anxious at one point, but it was controlable.

Had a bloody marvelous day....boyfriend was there with me....all was good :)


...AND....do you you want to know the BEST bit?
I have PAUL MCKENNA'S number in one hand...and Rubys in the other :) :) :)

Thursday.

Big thumbs up to Levonelle 1500. I had NO side effects, not one...not a single twinge until exactly 12 hours after i took it where i started to get excruciating stomach cramps, i remember labour feeling very similar. I was doubled over in pain for an hour, then it stopped... then it started again... then it stopped... then it started AGAIN - you get the picture? Still no bleed, but that is not uncommon...so i am just waiting. I felt super nauseous yesterday and this morning especially, but thankfully nothing more now than some period pains.

Thank goodness that is over.

Good news also...my face, is finally healing.........BUT.......i have a very large scar on my nose. Thumbs down.

So..

I opted to really go mad and *try* Levonelle 1500 instead of the coil. The thought of having a little piece of copper rammed up through my vagina/cervix to my womb really didn't make me happy, not even thinking about the pain AND the fact it can lower your heart rate and make you faint whilst being done (apparently, so my doctor informed me, that the cervical muscles are the same as the heart muscles and can effect it).

So i called my doctor last night and explained that i was not happy with my decision and he gave me the pills. Although it was about 35 hours since the "accident" happened, i am still a good 85% clear of it working. My boyfriend collected the pill and brought it too me, like the angel that he is. I held it in my hand and my heart raced, i thought it was going to jump out of my body...i WAS scared of what would happen, obviously. Pills aren't my thing. I swallowed it...that was 8 hours ago. I've felt cramping...a little neauseous at times...but so far, i am okay.

My boyfriend has been here the whole day with me. We've been very productive by cleaning and tidying the freezer AND Stinks room.

I'm still a wee bit anxious about the pill inside me and that i might still puke..but i am not eating today....so hopefully (i know, my stupid emetophobic head is on)...i might be okay!

Had parents evening...and i will leave that there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope everyone is okay :)

Oh...bloody 'ell...

((Okay, so this may just be too much information, but i am still going to type this!))

At approximately 2.01am this morning, my gorgeous boyfriend and i had (as the doctor so nicely put it) as sheath malfunction, aka...fucking condom broke on my most fertile day...how bloody typical is that???? I HATE condoms and my reason...they are shite, and this morning i was yet again, proven right!

I had an emergency appointment at 10.40 to weigh up my options (which i went with my boyfriend to, he took me - yay!!!). Morning after pill...don't think so. Last time i had that i was so poorly and decided i never wanted to go through that again, my only other option...the IUD! GREAT! Not happy about that at all...but it will sort me out, plus no more condom worries. While i was there..i was swabbed, again! Seriously, do i look like some dirty ho? I was only done about 4 months ago.

{actually, as i sit and type this i am feeling more and more ill. headache, runny nose...fabulous}

What else?

I am going to do a talk for years 7,8,9 and 10 at my old secondary school about Eating disorders and body dysmorphia. This is hugely exciting for me. I cannot wait. I have a meeting with the head next Thursday to arrange a date etc.

Thats about it.
Hope everyone is okay.. :)

Is anyone out there? I am going fucking insane.

What really makes one feel special is when they are wished dead. Because i called my mother to tell her that i was feeling really down, after she got off the phone my step father said "I wish she was gone" my mum asked him what he meant, did he mean dead and he said "YES". Nice.

My body dysmorphia is effecting me more than my panic and agoraphobia. I am SO depressed with myself. I can't do anything, because i don't want anyone to see me. This is hell. My life is hell.

Forgive me..

I couldn't resist - HOW FLIPPING CUTE IS MY SLEEPING PUP!?

MY HAIR!

From this...

To this...in 4 months.


REALLY trying to grow it. I've had it cut twice by my gorgeous boyfriend...not that i wanted it done because I AM TRYING TO GROW IT! Seems a little...um...stupid to keep cutting off the length...but anyway...it's getting longer. What i did forget is that when you grow it, it goes through those horrid stages of it looking shite...i was PAST that stage, but then i was ordered to have it cut...so i am right back there again! Ugh. Poop.

SO IN LOVE!

NB. I have cream on my nose covering up the hideousness.... :)

My gorgeous 'pup'...

..technically, shes not a puppy anymore, but because she's so tiny...she's like a little pup. Being smaller than ALL my cats....she's just lovely. I LOVE HER!

I had her groomed last week, so she looks all nice, clean and tidy....i seriously am so in love with her...i can totally understand how 'people' treat their dogs like children...Bluebell is the little girl i never had.... :)

Couldn't resist another....

I told a lie.

Okay. So in my last blog i mentioned that i had *burnt* my face. That, i am sorry to admit was a big fat lie.

I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia about 18 years ago and part of that illness is picking at skin - it's called Dermatillomania. I am really embarrassed to talk about this, but as i am a very open person...i have decided to.

**Compulsive face picking is not a sign of poor hygiene nor is it necessarily a sign of a hard-to-control acne problem. Quite often someone with this behavioral issue will begin picking at a spot that is entirely invisible to the naked eye but the urge to focus on it can turn it into an open, bleeding wound that cannot be concealed, even under the heaviest cosmetics.

Some people develop the habit of compulsive facial picking as a result of damaged self-esteem, leaving the subject feeling psychically wounded, unworthy. They pick to emphasize the blemishes in their lives or characters although these social blemishes are often seen by only the subject him- or herself and the picker may not be aware that the face picking is out of control.**

It's a vicious (soul destroying) cycle that works like this. I spend hours inspecting my already horrendously scarred face, looking for imperfections. I find one, then i am determined to get rid of it...but any which way. Generally that means but either a needle or tweezers but most of the time, its both. So once i have picked at it..it looks shit. So i pick some more to rectify what damage i have done, and so the hell begins. I am NOT kidding, the "thing" on my face and chin started out at no bigger than half a piece of rice, i am talking tiny, but it was there and i hate things like that on my face (despite knowing the consequences of what will happen if i try and get rid).

For the last X weeks i have battled against trying to sort out my face only to fuck it up SO much that i will now, undoubtedly be scarred, for life. The HOLES where i have been DIGGING at quite frankly nothing, are the size of a 1p piece, now that is big to have on a very small head. I reckon i have gone through at least 4/5 layers of skin.

With this...i can't go out. I've not left the house in a week and the last time i did, i wore plasters, on both my nose and chin...what a fucking freak. I am in constant pain from where i have picked so much. NOTHING in the world will cover the "wound"...unless i give some kind of filler a go. Make up just sinks into the hole making it look even more disgusting, but the bright redness of it...makes it impossible NOT to try and cover. Its horrible. I went out today, for 5 minutes. I walked around the town, with my head down, hair covering as much of my face as possible, but i felt so uncomfortable, i had to come home. My boyfriend met me, for those few minutes and i just cried and cried. I felt/feel so ugly. He tells me constantly that he loves me regardless, he's NOT happy that i do these things to myself, but he says it doesn't change his feelings. ((I HOPE))

So that is that. I am still very depressed, but not surprising really.

Depressed

I don't know if its a combination of all the stress that i have had with the decorating going on, the imminent divorce, the fact it have ruined my face but picking, which are NOT clearing up, just massive open wounds (and when i say massive i can get my thumb into the gaping holes), and a lot of other stuff that has been going on too. I woke up this morning on my sons 11th birthday and cried. I cried yesterday and the day before that too. I have spent in total six hours today (i can't even begin to think how many hours in total) infront of the mirror trying speed up the healing procress on my disgusting disfigured face, but to no avail. I look like a fucking freak. I feel awful.

Because of all this - i am again, questioning WHY my boyfriend would want to be with someone as hideous as me. Someone who is so fucked up. Just don't get it.

I've not seen my boy today, at all. He's been out with his daddy since 10am, and is now bowling until 8pm. What a fucking shit awful mother i am.

I do not deserve to be happy. Ever.

HOUSE - DONE!

BATHROOM - COMPLETE!

Uh oh..

I spent more on ONE cushion than i spend on my weekly groceries...and i bought FOUR! I spent an absolute fortune yesterday doing my accessory shopping. I still need to do more...

Today i've been doing the garden and my bf is glossing the bathroom - bless him!

Still going...

My house is STILL a mess. The bathroom is tiled and emulsioned and if i do say so myself, i did a bloody good job of the paint work. All that needs to be done now is the lino fitted and the panels put on the bath. The hall and landing will be finished today...hopefully. Kitchen and lounge - COMPLETE :)

We had a DRAMA! Yes, a DRAMA! I got my boyfriend to hold my mirror up vertically, just to see what it looked like, and he dropped it, scrapping the freshly painted wall and chipping a massive chunk out of my skirting board. Luckily, my lovely decorator filled both holes and is going to sort it out for me. I was really upset, my lovely walls...lol!

Today i am doing my favourite bit - shopping for accessories. Bathroom, lounge, storage and kitchen stuff...LOVE IT!!

Bathroom today..

Pre grout of course :)

...this is why i am leaving home today!

Oh my goodness..

There is SO much dust in my house. It's as if the Sahara has blown in.

Decorator is here...he's sanding...and sanding...and doing MORE sanding! My entire downstairs is covered in thick white dust...not good :(

UPDATE:

Took it upon myself to pull up my bathroom lino as i am having the tiler in tomorrow...OMFG i really REALLY wish i hadn't. That was possibly one of my worst experiences - EVER!!! GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSS.

One word comes to mind...BLEACH!

From my fall..

..i've got up today and i am aching head to toe. I've got random bruises all over. OUCH!

Yesterday i went to County Court to do some "stuff". I was locked in a room for an hour while my mother waited outside in the car. After that we went to B & Q and i picked up all the paint needed (hopefully i got enough) to do my house. It only cost £100, which i think is quite good.

Came home and had a lovely night with my gorgeous boyfriend.

Make the change you crave.

“What are you telling yourself?”

Positive self-talk is not about telling yourself that bad things in your life don’t exist or have not happened. It’s not about telling yourself life will be easy if you think the right thoughts. Self-talk is about self-awareness and recognizing how your thoughts affect how you feel and ultimately what you accomplish.

Your thoughts are your self-talk. And, they directly affect the way you feel. Since your feelings dictate your actions, it’s important to take notice of the chain of thoughts and events in your life.

This newfound awareness holds the key to making the changes you crave come to pass.

A & fucking E

Fucking hell. I only went and fell downstairs, top to bottom. My dog was lying on the top step, i have no landing light so i didn't see her. I went clean down, bending my arm and hand right back. Turns out, no major damage, just a bruised thumb bone :) I was in AGONY though...bloody dog. I think she hates me!!!

It took FIVE frigging hours to tell me that....i ♥ A & E.

Live life with few regrets...

“Change is necessary to live a life with few regrets.”

You only live once. And, it doesn’t hurt to think of this, from time to time. The worst thing would be to look back on your life, wishing you could have been happier or done more.

Don’t let that happen! Now is the time to take a good look at your life and make changes so that you have no regrets.

We all know time flies. Days, weeks, months, and years slip away. Don’t let them pass you by. Make the necessary changes that bring happy, joyful memories, so you can look back with no regrets.

I LOVE THIS.

In brief..

...prepare to be astounded!!

Left my house at 9.30am. Went to B & Q to pick up paint samples ready for my house to be redecorated. Then onto Pets at home to get Bluebells food. From there we went to the electrical shop to get hover bags. Went the wrong way, had to do a full circle to get back. After that i went to my boyfriends house where we cleaned, tidied and cleaned some more. He was going to rehang his gate and realised we needed new brackets, so back up to B & Q. Came back to his house...did some more tidying, ate food, drank tea....done. On the way home we stopped off in SAINSBURYS (YES, EMMA, I DID IT TODAY!!!!), did some food shopping...and now i am home. I had one TEENY moment of anxiety in Sainsburys car park as we were leaving (weirdly enough), but apart from that - WOOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOOOOOO!!! FIVE hours i was out today...FIVE FUCKING HOURS! Get me people :)

This is what being "normal" feels like.

Happiness.

On my Saturday.

Lovely day today. Went shopping with my mother and i was bought a wee treat. My very first pair of dark blue skinny jeans and some little ankle boots to wear with them. Its a look i really like, but what is hotter, are the jeans with my 5 inch black heels. Let me tell you, my boyfriend REALLY appreciated it!!!!

I was cooked the most amazing dinner of grilled tuna with a lovely green rocket salad. Gorgeous, in fact, my boyfriend is bloody amazing, i am such a lucky girl. He makes me feel so special every day, and i thank God that we split up for those 10 days, because it has done us the world of good.... :)