Tuesday, January 06, 2015

New Years Resolutions...

.. I don't have many, but they are as follows..

1.  Drink 2ltrs of water a day
2.  Eat less sugar.
3.  No processed food at all.
4.  Be grateful every of what i have, every moment of every day.
5.  Be happy


Monday, November 10, 2014


4 months since i did an update....?  And to think blogger USE to be my life, i use to love documenting what was happening, now, not so much... These days i get bored far too quickly and really can't be bothered.. But its 9.27am and i thought i'd check out my blog and maybe have a change around, i DO love a change in background and script... ;)

So what's been happening?


That's all :)

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The last month...

Over the last month i have been diagnosed with severe anemia, had my 39th birthday, school broke up for the holidays, i stabbed myself through the finger with a dinner knife (not even a sharp one), but deep enough to have all the fat tissue hanging out, shave off the top off my little finger and have a round of botox and fillers.............

That's all.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Tattoo day..

I was watching YT videos last night and scared myself silly.  I was contemplating cancelling my appointment, i was SO close...

Got there this morning at 11.30.  The girl who did it was lovely, really calmed me down... Sat in the chair and didn't feel anything.  A slight scratchy feeling at one point but nothing i would call 'pain'... I reckon i was there for about 30 minutes, maybe a bit more - and i am really happy with the result.. :)

Tuesday, June 10, 2014


Blogging is something i use to do religiously.. Playing out my life in words, every day, but now, i seem to have lost the desire, maybe because i really don't have much to talk about these days.  There is no drama, no boyfriend/friend troubles, i am just plodding along with me and my boy..

Each day is filled with laughter and happiness.  I am truly blessed with all i have been through that i finally have that in my life.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Nearly 2 years...

..of being 'single, and when i say single i mean in the way of not having a regular boyfriend.  Obviously i was seeing the guy that made me pregnant, but i wouldn't have called him a boyfriend by any stretch of the imagination.   I have definitely had my fair share of dates, especially right after i split up with the ex, but since then, nothing really and i have said for months and months i was happy leaving it that way, but now, maybe, just maybe it's time to be with someone else.... I am ready to be a couple again... This is SHOCKING news to me... and being realistic though, it's not likely to happen anytime soon.... I DON'T GO OUT!!!.............

Thursday, March 13, 2014



Don't forget people, that i do have a YT account that i still update from time to time... :)

Back to blogging!

It has been such a very long time since i blogged regularly, and not that there is much going on in my life right now to talk about, there has been changes......

I can't even remember what i have and haven't written about... but i will go back to last August.
.. Sit tight...................

I met a man, he was lovely... we were seeing each other for a couple of months when in November (13th) i found out i was pregnant, it was a massive surprise, scary and left me feeling confused and unsure of my future.  I told the man involved and he basically told me to fuck off ... and i haven't heard from him since.

I found out on a Wednesday, i went over to my friends, did a pregnancy test and she also hasn't spoken to me since!!!!!

On the Sunday morning i was getting some quite bad pains and spotting, so i went down to A& E.  I was sent to the EPU where i had a scan.  Nothing was seen apart from the gestational sac on the screen,  so i was told to come back in 2 weeks.......

2 weeks felt like a fricking eternity and my bleeding continued.  I went for the scan and again nothing was seen apart from the sac and i was told it could possibly be a 'blighted ovum' and that i had to come back in ANOTHER 2 weeks for another scan.

(Each scan i had was a transvaginal one)

Back to the next scan... and the sac had grown, but still nothing.... :(  So i was set a date for another 2 weeks...... During these 2 weeks the bleeding was heavier so i booked a private scan because i was so anxious.  I went on a Saturday morning at 9am... I got the SHOCK of my life...  The sonographer saw TWINS, identical ones at that, but sadly one didn't have a heart beat...but we did just make out the heat beat of twin #2.... It was a bittersweet moment... My baby was alive but one was gone :(

The next scan i had was on the 18th of December.  My babies heart rate was recorded again and everything looked good.................................................

Within 24 hours, i started to miscarry.

I was in AGONY.  I was having contractions and the bleeding now was getting even more heavy.... This hell continued until Christmas Eve morning.   At 2am i was sitting downstairs because the pain was awful and i felt a 'gush'... i ran upstairs and i had lost a lemon sized clot... I felt awful.  Cleaned myself up and went back downstairs.  The pain subsided a little after that....However i did develop a horrendous headache...

Christmas Day was okay... Nothing happened apart from the head pain so i stupidly thought THAT was it.....

Boxing Day morning, the hell started.  I woke up in so much pain about 4am.  I was getting contractions every 3 minutes, then suddenly i felt the urge to push... I crawled upstairs, sat on the loo and i lost SO much blood, literally felt out of me.... Clots n all... It was awful.  I felt so ill.   I knew at this point i needed to go to hospital but it was too early to call my mum so i waited until 7am.  We went straight there and i was seen almost immediately.  I was still having contractions every few minutes and after every contraction i was having these massive floods of blood fall out of me...

I was seen by a gyne doctor and she did an internal.  She moved the fetal sac along with lots of other 'bits'.. and she also had that hopefully that would slow the bleeding.  I got off the bed and it looked like a massacre.. There was so much blood.... and as i stood there getting dressed, and i was gushing blood all over the floor....... :(  I got my clothes on, ran to the loo and lost MORE clots and more blood.  Thankfully, after i had the internal the pain subsided...  I had my vitals one and my BP was too low and my heart rate was too fast.   I was put on a drip for a couple of hours...  After that had finished going through i was sent up to the EPU unit to be monitored... I was told that i needed to pee in a pain so they could see what i was losing... NOT ONCE did they check..... I went FOUR times before anyone checked..  FINALLY they let me home, but i was told i had to come back for another scan in the morning.

Feeling exhausted from the previous days hell, i got up and went for my scan, only to be told even after everything that i had been through the day before i STILL had stuff left that needed to come away.  I was given 3 options.  Wait for it to come away on it's own.  Have a medical managed miscarriage (given something to stimulate the cervix) or an operation (D&C).  It took me about a millisecond to choose.  I didn't wait to prolong this hell anymore.  I didn't want to go through any more pain... so my definite and instant answer was the operation.  The operation was then scheduled for 2 days later...

Morning of the operation i obviously couldn't eat or drink anything which didn't help this monster headache i had now had for almost 2 weeks.  I was sent to wait in a waiting room, which had lovely reclining chairs and was told i would be called through.  At this point my head was SO bad i could barely see and i was actually crying in pain.  I was taken to a cubical and was given all the details of what would happen during the operation, my vitals were taken again (BP was still stupidly low) and was told to go and get changed because i was first on the afternoon list.

A lovely man came to get me, he had a bed there waiting for me to get on, but i couldn't despite my head being agony i decided to walk down to theater.  (It was further than i thought).  After what felt like an eternity of walking, we reached the anesthesia room... I got on the bed and begged the doctor to give me something for my head.  He put a cannula in my hand.... and i said "Wow... I didn't feel that, you're good".. and he replied "You've got good veins".... and in my headache delirium i replied "This isn't any time to flirt with me doctor"........ Even in my head pain hell i managed to crack a joke!  He then started injecting me with something and he said that THIS will help your head.. and within seconds my headache was gone, it felt amazing... I asked if that was a premed and he said yes, and a pain killer... it was so nice, pain was gone.  Next thing i remember i was in the recovery room, on ANOTHER drip because during the op my BP had dropped even more :(  I sat in  (the first) recovery for about an hour, having my BP checked every 10 mins...  I was then moved to the second recovery area, where i was given tea and toast.  I was STARVING and so thirsty... I have never had toast taste so good....

The weeks following were just as bad as the weeks previous.  My headache returned.  Even worse, i was still losing shit loads of blood and THEN to top things off,  i developed alopecia from the stress of it all... Yep... I went bald, on the top of my head.... Because my hair was parted in the middle, it was really noticeable.... so i had to do THIS.................

Had all my hair cut off, so i could cover up the bald patch :( :( :(  I was gutted............

However, i am liking it more now.... :)

So, that is about it... I have typers cramp.  I will leave you with one more pic.  It was me yesterday.  I went for a walk with my mum and puppies.. Managed 2 miles...........

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Long time no write!

So much has gone on in my life lately, i don't even know where to begin.  I will write more soon :)
.. but i am back, for now.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


There are some things I want you to know about me and my condition. I am not necessarily shy, that's not what a panic disorder is. I am an outgoing person who often feels trapped inside a wall of fear. I get really angry sometimes because what I feel like is the real me trapped behind my anxiety. I probably want to be affectionate and laid back and fun at any given time but you make me nervous. It's not your fault, it's just people- it's nothing you do or did. I can only become desensitized to people by spending a lot of time with them and even then sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, with some people, it works right away.

I know that what I'm afraid of isn't real. I know that the threat is an illusion and that I'm not really going to get hurt, but my body is telling me otherwise. I try to talk myself out of it but "fight or flight" is one of the most basic and powerful instincts of the body, and it doesn't always listen.

I am working really hard to combat my anxiety disorder. Some days I start to give up because I've been fighting for so long and it doesn't seem to change, or I make progress and then I backslide. It's inevitable that I get depressIed and may not seem to be working to help myself. Having an anxiety disorder is really hard and I promise I'm doing what I can. Much of the fight that goes on with my condition happens inside my head, so while it might not seem like I am trying to help myself, I am.

I am constantly exhausted. If your body went through intense terror each day (or sometimes, just from time-to-time) and then crashed, you'd be exhausted too. I have to make myself move when I am crashing and sometimes I just have to sleep. My body doesn't present that as an option; it's just an order- "You. Sleep. Now". Sometimes I don't get things done because I am tired. Please don't get mad at me if I don't always do everything I am supposed to do- it can be a real struggle to do little things that most people don't think twice about, like walking into a store, running errands, sometimes even leaving the house.

Some of my behavior might seem pretty odd at times. I might make someone go to places I ought to be able to go to alone because I need a "safe" person there. I might come off as clingy and dependent on others, but my reasoning is not what you might assume- "safe" people are our anchors to sanity. Real or not, we assume we can count on them to help us if we become terrified, and that can make the difference between fleeing a place or being able to stick it out. We develop triggers in specific places and that place, as innocuous as it might seem to you, scares me to death. I don't want to feel that way; it's embarrassing, but I do. How would you feel if you were terrified out of your mind in a place or around a person you know is harmless in your heart?

I try many things to combat my anxiety. If you've heard about a technique, I've probably heard about it. I've tried meditation, yoga, acupuncture, keeping active, positive self-talk, cognitive behavioral therapy, regular therapy, and medication, among things. I've tried lots of different medications. Anxiety Disorder (and depression, since the two are linked- you'd be depressed if you had an anxiety disorder) often get treated with strong medication, and strong medications have side effects. When I am trying new medications, I might be "off" and irrational. Please forgive me, it's not me, it's the meds. Also some medications make me extra dizzy and tired or any number of other things that aren't my normal or desired state. Most medication used to treat anxiety is something the body becomes immune to over time, so the dosage must be increased. So, occasionally I may relapse when I am not expecting it. I don't necessarily know the cause.

Please don't make fun of me when I am experiencing a panic attack- it's horrible enough without you ridiculing me. You wouldn't be laughing if you were the one whose body was revolting in fear. I'm not making anything up, I'm not trying to use panic attacks as an excuse not to do things, and I surely don't want to be a burden on you or affect your life negatively. Knowing I sometimes am and sometimes do adds to the misery of the condition. What I really need is for you to let me hold your hand or arm tightly at times, and to humor me and just tell me it isn't real and I don't have to be scared, even if it's the millionth time you've said it. Tell me you'll protect me and I might just believe you, because I want to so badly. I want to be tough and independent and in control, but something (psychological and chemical) inside me won't let me be free.

Panic disorders are almost always genetic and are chHemically related, though they're often triggered by a traumatic event. Before realizing what is happening to us, most panic disorder sufferers go through a terrible period of thinking that we are dying when we're having a panic attack, or that something terrible is about to happen to us, etc. It's impossible to understand when it first happens, unless someone is there to warn you. There usually isn't.

Many of us live in terror of letting other people know we're freaking out, so while we might seem normal, in control, and calm, our insides are often a different story. It's OK to tell us we seem more stable or more confident- we'll appreciate you noticing. Just know that sometimes it's an illusion, sometimes true one day but not the next. Acting like it's a result of something we didn't do is a double-blow, the first one being our own senses of failure for not being able to just "tough it out", "grin and bear it", etc.

Sometimes, just walking into a room by ourselves is the accomplishment of the day. Sometimes, we could lead a parade. Please, give us the credit for living with something so tough and managing to do anything. Please, just support us and help us, and listen to us. It's natural to get annoyed sometimes, but if you're annoyed, we're probably beating ourselves up because we're a self-critical lot. That's part of how we got this way, by being to self-aware.

We are trying to win the battle, but some days we just want to give up.

Thanks, and we love those who help us,

Someone you know with a panic disorder.