BEING SARAH.......

...giving advice to my ex husband about what to wear for his NYE partay!!!! GET IN SARAH :)

Christmas Day was a bit pants! We're all ill. Stink has a chest infection and I have a shitty cold with sinus pain (don't remember the last time I had a proper full-on cold), and Bean, he has the aches and a cough too.....so, not so great. We've got dinner at my sisters today, hopefully the paracetamol will keep us going. I'll blog Christmas presents later on - I was a very lucky girl :)

..Hope you all have a truly wonderful day :)

I was asked last night to do one more shift at my old job as the other chick had called in sick and at such late notice they know i won't be going anywhere, so i got that call! It was super busy because it was OAP Christmas dinner day - but it went quickly and i had a lot of fun working with an old friend. The day didn't start off great though. I got a text from my boyfriend asking me if i was awake, it was 7am, of course i am up!!! Unfortunately his ma had been taken to A & E with breathing problems after developing a cough at the weekend. He called me later on at work and said that she'd been admitted for at least the next 2 - 3 days until she starts responding to the IV antibiotics and steroids. She's having to be on nebuliser and oxygen...so it's not great. Bean visited her this evening and although still very sick, she was a lot better than she was this morning. Thank God. Anyway, at work we were talking about all these people getting sick with flu a

Love my outfit today! H & M Cardigan, Miss Selfridge white vest top, River Island scarf, same River Island boyfriend jeans & belt...and Blue converse! Just so you know, i am the owner of 30+ pairs of jeans, but...when you find a pair you feel totally comfortable in (especially around THAT time of the month) you gonna wear them!!!!!....lol

...and now i feel like hell! Just the present i wanted for Christmas!!!!!

I hate snow. I hate being on my own (because of the snow) I hate that snow is effecting everything, including me going out I hate that my son is ill I hate that i am sitting here crying, again I hate that it's nearly Christmas and i want it to all be over - NOW I hate that i feel like shit I hate that i have no interest in anything, including myself I hate that i am exhausted, for no reason I hate that i can't be arsed to move I hate that i broke my frigging bucket this morning, so i can't wash the floor now I hate that my boyfriend is at home and i am here I hate that i still have pain in my gum from the stupid tooth exraction I hate that i'm so bored i want to cry - some more Dear God, Please make my son well and me feel better...and get rid of this snow, please! Thanks Sarah x

Stinky is down with a virus. Fever of 39.5/103.1........... BAD TIMES!!!

I was just forced out of my house by my boyfriend to walk to the garage, IN THE SNOW WHICH I HATE, and preceded to not see a curb and fall head first into 6 inches of snow...NOT FUNNY!!! THIS IS WHY I DON'T GO OUT IN THE FRICKING SNOW! Today, we're cooking pate

This is Abigail Clancy (in the stripes) - she is a WAG and she's pregnant to her cheating footballer boyfriend/husband, not really sure. How pregnant is she going from the size of her 'bump'... Answers below please!! (BTW - I have trapped wind belly bigger than that!!)

...I CAN'T SMOKE FOR 3 - 5 DAYS AND I HAVEN'T SMOKED FOR 17 LONG FUCKING HOURS..... I AM IN PAIN NOW, SPITTING SO MUCH BLOOD AND I JUST REALLY WANT TO SMOKE - BUT I REFUSE TO , NOT AFTER THE LAST DRY SOCKET INCIDENT... NOW I'VE GOT TO DECIDE WHAT SHIT I CAN/CAN'T EAT FOR MY DINNER. (PS. BY THE USE OF PROFANITIES, YOU CAN TELL I AM REALLY NOT A HAPPY GIRL... )

We left the house at 7.45 this morning to make sure we missed all the traffic. I walked into the dentists and i was the first one there, no waiting - straight into the chair. I was nervously laughing as they were talking to me and i don't even really remember what they were saying. But - we have a problem. The sedation isn't working as well as it use to. Like before i would remember nothing until at least half way home in the car, but this time, yes i was slurring my words and walking as if i was drunk, but i can remember these things.... I remember my gums being injected, although no pain registered as it went in. I remember them shoving a huge plastic thing in the right side of my mouth i suppose to keep my tongue out of the way. I remember the dentist saying that i was going to feel some pulling now and then the next thing, it was out and i was walking to recovery. So yay, i am minus another tooth, which makes me very happy. I will no long have THAT pain everyday! A

So today for my shift i chose a white Topshop vest top, grey v-neck Topshop jumper, River Island black trousers, with a River Island belt (which i love!) and finally a pair of black Next biker boots....

It's 23.22, probably -1/-2 outside and i have just stood out the front for a good 20 minutes with my neighbour (bless her who's been ill for a week), scouring the sky for shooting stars... Did we see any?? Did we heck! I am frozen and i should have been asleep ages ago. I'm going to be knackered in the morning...

Tomorrow, for the first time since my ex left (Mid 2008) i have been called in to help out at my old job for one shift. Because it's Christmas they get lots of big parties in and they wondered if i could go in, which of course i said yes.... ..but the thing is this. It's a 'Christmas do' which means i have got to look presentable, black trousers/jeans and smart(ish) top. So i wriggled into my Size 6 River Island trousers and cried. I looked awful. My thighs looked fat, my calves looked fat, my arse - just huge. I couldn't find a top long enough to cover all the bits i hated. I measured my hips and they came in at 33 inches, and my waist 22.5 inches, so I KNOW realistically that i can't be 'FAT', however, i LOOKED IT, the mirror told me a totally different story... I hate this illness...i feel fucking horrid.

If this song DOES NOT give you goosebumps, then...i dunno ;) Matt Cardle, a TRUE WINNER! His winners song...

NOW IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS..........

Bah! Humbug! I hate wrapping Christmas presents, so much so, i actually cried doing it. I lost the scissors countless times, i ran out of tags, and then end of the tape, don't even get me started on that. I wrapped 37 in total....I hope everyone appreciates the stress i went through...LOLOL!

It wasn't that bad to be totally honest. She did the smear and i didn't even feel it, the worst bit was the swiping the cervix with whatever it is they put up there!!! The picture that i did myself (obviously) is exactly how she drew my cervix on my notes...looks a bit worrying. Of course now, i have the 6 week wait until i find out what's what!

In June i had to have a Colposcopy due to abnormal cervical cells. The smear before in 2009 i was told to come back in 3 years, luckily, being mental, i am very in tune with my body and i KNEW something was wrong, so i went back and asked to have one done....thank God i did!!! Anyway, had the follow up Colposcopy in June and then you have to go back and have it repeated 6 months later, which is tomorrow......CAN'T WAIT!!!!! I'm guessing after this, it will be 6 monthly smears again. So much fun!

"Sarah, Queen of the present hiders"..... In my teeny tiny bedroom, i am storing presents for my sister and my neighbour.

It's OOTD time.... :) Today i am wearing a Superdry hoodie, River Island slouchy boyfriend jeans and blue Converse boots. Yay...i'm clothed!!!!

DO NOT BE JEALOUS PEOPLE!!! Todays 'OOTD' consists of... Same Woolly hat at yesterday from H & M,(i have just got back from taking the dog for a walk, that's why the hat is on today!!) a black top shop hoodie and a pair of rather questionable grey joggers also from H & M costing £9.99!!!!! Again, no makeup and i'm sporting rather attractive black under eye circles....!

I'm getting involved in a new YOUTUBE community channel to help people with all kinds of mental health problems. It's been created by a lovely young lady called Melissa who recently did work for 'healthyplace.com'. The way it works is that 7 people each get their day to make a video and talk about their problems, answer questions and generally have some fun along the way too. I am super excited about this as i am a "FRIDAY GIRL". It's called Survivors 4 hope and freedom/fighting4hope . < LINK!!! I think as a LONG TERM sufferer of a gazillion mental health problems, i have a lot to talk about... :) If you're a YOUTUBE user, get over there and subscribe....

I watch an awful lot of make-up videos and they regularly do 'OOTD' (outfit of the day), so today, i thought as a little treat, i would show YOU lot my OOTD! So enjoy :) Imagine, that picture above is a video...and my text below is how i would speak - on a video ;) So today...my outfit of the day consists of... An H & M woolly hat, it think it was £5.99. My glasses were from the opticians at £140, my vest top i believe was my mothers from the 70's and my PJ bottoms are GAP childrens at around £12...Make-up, none!!!!!! Hope you like my outfit of the day.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH IF I LOVE YOU OR YOU'RE A MEMBER OF MY FAMILY!!!

Yesterdays' down day was (rather bizarrely) after a REALLY good weekend. I'm going to try and explain this the best i can. Saturday i did MORE shopping in Chelmo town centre which was awful, i went to a party, yes, a pre Christmas party with loads of people i didn't know. My boyfriend drank so i had to drive and i stayed for over 3 hours. Then on Sunday we went shopping for his Christmas tree, went round other friends for a cuppa, decorated his tree, went shopping, queued up in Argos for ages....and came home. I haven't been to a 'party' since before Stinky was born and i hate driving at night,....and i have NEVER been Christmas tree shopping...ever! These things were done with ease and at no point did i feel anything, no panic, nor anxiety. That's good - right???? You'd think so....... ...NO! In my head, it's not good. (This is where it get's complicated, so bare with me...). When i do good things, it's no biggy . I don't p

..I ask myself. How do i enhance any bodies life??? My boyfriends? My family? My friends? My ex husband said to me... "You do NOTHING to enhance my life." And he was right.

My Christmas tree never looks any different. I don't "do" tinsel, i developed a hate/hate relationship with it about 4 years ago now, and since then, i don't go near it! Just a few gold and red ornaments. That's it. Just how i like it. :)

I'm very excited for this weekend. Saturday morning, weather permitting, i am off to change a few Christmas presents and buy the last ones that i need. My friend/son and boyfriend. Saturday night, we've got a Christmas party round a friends house.... :) Sunday, it's off to get my boyfriends Christmas tree. I've never been (real) Christmas tree shopping before, so that is something i am really looking forward to. Then it's back round to his to decorate it. Looking forward to it all... Have a fabulous weekend. Sorry, i am just editing this blog... I forgot, i have to buy for Bean's (that's what my best friend calls my boyfriend, so its how i am going to refer to him as from now on), niece and 3 nephews... Poopa.

HAVE A BATH - YOU'RE FILTH!!! <- Link...... P.S - While typing this, i've managed to get melted chocolate digestive all over my keyboard - nice!!!

From a beautiful girl i watch! My fellow ENGLISHMEN - This my lovelies, IS SNOW!! Check it out. Our Great country has come to a standstill......why!? Essex has had like 3 - 5 inches and schools are shut...roads are blocked (why?)....

From my boyfriend.

I don't know how many of you out there watch/ed "Friends", but i still watch it every night on E4.....re-run after re-run. Anyway...i remember the episode after Rachel gave Ross the 17 page letter (front and back) and he pulls her up on the Y.O.U.R, means your, Y.O.U.'R.E means you are......i've just had that exact same conversation with my son!!!!! :) Enough of that.... I would urge you all to visit the DAILY MAIL website at least once a day. I love it. News/health/weather/all things silly AND celebrity bullshit...what more could you ask for?? I've just had another little lookie and there's an article about Mr David Beckham and.....James Corden.....now that's a big piece of handsome man pie - right there. Hot, hot, hot!!! It's snowing quite a lot here now.... :(

...why young girls are starving themselves? Dying from eating disorders when pictures like this are plastered all over the internet. Girls aspire to look like this. Most youngsters believe that brains/personality don't come into it. Give them a size 0 body, enormous fake boobs and a footballer husband and apparently, you're set for life. Makes me angry! (P.S I want a breast enlargement because i am FLAT and NOT because i want to look like this chick!)

Good old fashioned Skyping! It's going to snow tonight so to save my boyfriend from having to dig himself out tomorrow morning, we decided that it'd be better for him to stay at home.... So, we Skyped instead :)

There is a very light dusting this morning on the ground, but my lovely neighbour has just informed me that we're getting it.........TONIGHT! My chionophobia has just gone mental. I hate snow. The agoraphobic feels claustrophobic when it snows. Ha. How ironic??? I'm a strange girl. I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it - what else can i do?

No. 1 - I HATE CHRISTMAS. No. 2 - Why do people act like it's the end of the world? Pushing and shoving? No. 3 - Why is everything so expensive? Each shop i went in, i was spending £100 - £150 Yesterday i bought for... My sister My Brother in law My newphew (no. 1) My niece My step dad My auntie My dad and his wife My newphew (no. 2) My mum My ex I still have to buy for Stinky, Bean, my nephew (no. 3) and my best friend. I purchased a lot of things for Stink, but i still have to get him his "Big" present, although i got him a lappy for his birthday, so i don't really know. I got my boyfriend quite a few things, but i still need to buy a few more. Today, i've spent 4 hours winter cleaning my house. I used so much bleach, my nostrils are actually burning and i have a major headache. It's -3, very cold, and i think snow is on its way....

Just booked myself in for the 2nd tooth extraction. 3.30pm - THIS AFTERNOON! I cannot wait until the 16th of December, no way. I am in too much pain. Wish me luck, i am panicking like a loon. Deep breaths.

Don't know how to explain this. I feel like something is missing from my life, perhaps it's just the fact that i don't really have one that is getting to me? Or is it all about my relationship? 'Something' doesn't feel right. Perhaps Bean isn't all that genuine? I don't know, i'm sad and depressed and need a good cheering up, that's what i think. I'm not a lover of Christmas and with that just around the corner...i'm worried. Worried that i will spoil it because i have zero festive cheer. In fact, i would go as far as saying...I HATE CHRISTMAS. I worked out yesterday, with all the presents i need to buy, it's going to cost me around £600. £600!???? , that's NOT including food. WTF? I could buy a new fence for £500. That seems a better option. Not wasting on shit that people will probably never use and don't really want. My tooth which is waiting to come out is really hurting again. I've got 3 weeks to go unti

...i think she is :)

Apparently, we're getting snow....soon. I have a fear of snow, oh and fog....and i don't like thunder that much either, but snow along with the fog is on the top of my weather phobias. Just to add to the other LONG list of things that scare the shit out of me!

I am so unhappy, it's like i am on a downward spiral (again). I feel lonely and the last time i felt like this was when i was with my ex husband, i'd sit upstairs at night and he'd sit downstairs - 2 people, 2 different rooms. I would cry every night and every day. I can't put into words how bad i am at the moment, how down i feel and how miserable i am. I'm so tired. Completely worn out, with no more energy... ...and what is worse is that from this morning at 8am i'm on my own until Saturday morning. Seeing no one. Don't get me wrong, i'm not scared of having no one around, it's just that i don't talk to anyone and i have way too much time to think about things. Bad combination.

When you fucking hate yourself as much as i do, can you ever recover from it?

Good day. After the panic attack i had a couple of Sunday's ago, i must admit, it doesn't make you feel good, i like to be cautious. Not to the extent that i don't go out, just more local than having to travel. On TV we saw that a supermarket was selling 1/2 price pork joints. We LOVE a roast, so my boyfriend said we should go and get some. The nearest one is about 15 minutes away, but

My boyfriend, he wants me to move in with him. How exciting is this news? We've been together for nearly 18 months :)

Still think about you Granny. I love and will always miss you. ♥

This is why i hate taking Blogging breaks. I have such much to say today.........bugger!

The news i got yesterday made me realise that life is way too short. We've (my boyfriend and i) and come to the realisation that 'perhaps' blogging isn't my strong point and that after 6 years of doing it, it might be time to move on. SO..I'm taking a break - another one.... If i have any updates, i will VLOG instead. MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL . If you're still interested in what i am up to - then head over there, subscribe....you know the drill! Well..that's all folks (for now anyway). Much love to each and everyone of you who have commented, good/bad/whatever - i appreciate it. Thank you. Miss Sarah. xxxx

The news i got yesterday made me realise that life is way too short. We've (my boyfriend and i) and come to the realisation that 'perhaps' blogging isn't my strong point and that after 6 years of doing it, it might be time to move on. SO..I'm taking a break - another one.... If i have any updates, i will VLOG instead. MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL . If you're still interested in what i am up to - then head over there, subscribe....you know the drill! Well..that's all folks (for now anyway). Much love to each and everyone of you who have commented, good/bad/whatever - i appreciate it. Thank you. Miss Sarah. xxxx

I have had some really bad/sad news. I need to take time out. God bless.

I've been awake most of the night, thinking....doing a lot of thinking, and really before i start typing this, i should have made a coffee to help me along. I was going over in my head the issues between me and one certain girl. This ISN'T a blog slagging her off, nothing like that. I just came up with some legitimate comparisons between Real life and the internet. In REAL LIFE i have NEVER EVER had any person ( apart from my evil ex, oh, and the bullies ) who have ever hated me as much. I go through my life, with my mental health problems managing to AVOID drama and such people that create drama. So how is it that in the WWW i got myself caught up in the mindless nonsense. Nonsense that just doesn't go away? It just doesn't happen on any day, in reality (we'll take family out of the equation for this blog....no one gets on with families ALL the time!). I have my friends and WE GET ON. It's simple. We don't argue.....we don't fall out.....

YES! That is me. That is what i have. Tonight, i have decided in the new year i am going to NO longer pine for the breasts i have always wanted, i am going to get them done. Not stupid big, because lets not forget i am a size 6/8, weighing about 7st. So 'D' cups are a no-no. I wouldn't be opposed to large 'B' cup though..., but i am pretty sure my surgeon will know what is best for me and my frame.... VERY EXCITED!!! :)

BACKGROUND. My step father has been strange for MANY years. He's controlled my sister and I since we were very young. It was like living with a Sargent Major in an Army camp. And i am not exaggerating. He's hit my sister and BEAT me, more than once. This is what happened, the worst time. I was 16, my sister was 21. We'd just been to the airport to pick them up from a holiday, he was always miserable when his holiday had finished, but aren't most people?? When we got home, we all sat round the dinner table and my sister and step father (although they HATED each other) together they would love to wind me up. After 20 minutes of constant picking from them, i got up from the table and said "I'm not putting up with this this anymore." With that, my step father dragged me by the hair, back handed hit me across the head, i fell down on the floor where he repeatedly kicked and hit me. I was curled up in with my arms covering my head. By this point my si

I am considering to go 'live' on BlogTV. I watch several people on there are really enjoy it. I think it would be fun...

...being with a hairdresser. 1) Of course are the free haircuts, that would normally cost £45. 2) The free highlighting that would cost over £100.. ...but this is far more exciting... 3) The amazing freebies i get. I was given Redken shampoo and conditioner AND some Elemis products too. Whoop. Funnily enough, it was a product for stress headaches, and i seem to have a big one at the moment. A STRESS RELATED HEADACHE that is! Other news... Nanna's funeral is next Friday. Now the next problem is, should stinky attend, or not? It's another toughy...

Your friend reads MY blog, most days. I read her blog. Okay? So if i comment, it doesn't make me want to be "BFF" (we don't use that term here), i am simply commenting. You are seriously fucked up to even have that thought in your head. I have plenty of friends here, why on earth do i want to 'befriend' someone a gazillion miles away?? I didn't realise you were her voice and keeper. If she didn't want the comment, she could have easily deleted it. I wouldn't have minded, i even said that. STOP stirring up unnecessary shit...and get on with being pregnant.

Right. I am so fucking angry right now. I left a comment on a blog i read, that happens to be a friend of American girl... Here is my comment... Sarah♥ said... I know i am not meant to comment on your blog, so i apologise. I really feel for your loss, another loss, that is so sad. I do know how it feels to go through miscarriages, and it's not pleasant. I do believe things happen for a reason, and when your time is right, you'll fall pregnant again. Just pick yourself up, take a break and start again. Life IS shit at times and it throws ton's of it at us, but the great saying is "What doesn't kill us, will make us stronger." Take time out for YOU. Get fit, stop smoking (i should really think about that one), and enjoy your family... just for a while. I have a friend who has to use Progesterone suppositories to keep her baby (in there) - at least for 12 weeks after conception. She is still terrified at nearly 10 weeks that someone awful is going to happen. Bei

November will go down AGAIN for the shittiest month of the year. I got a call from my ex this morning to say that Stinky's 'GREAT' Nanna had died at 5.30am, she was 97. I am so upset. It's horrible. She was a lovely lady, but after suffering a fall in May she never recovered. On Wednesday she was transferred to a nearby hospital and was given 2 days to live. She refused water/food and was on a drip but kept pulling it out. My ex went to see her and all she said was "Please God, let me die, i am dying, please take me God." Clearly God didn't want her then..... I'm sad because i've got to tell Stinky later on. I've notified the school and they've suggested a day off tomorrow. If anyone can offer me advice (BEFORE 3PM) on how to tackle this subject with my son, i would really appreciate it. He knew she was ill, but i don't think he quite 'got it'... :( So yeah. November is also the month when i lost my granny at the age o

All i can say is that i AM great! Today, despite my horrendous panic attack yesterday, i got straight back out this morning and went shopping with my boyfriend (and walking around town too!). See - I need to remember these few things...keep my head in check... 1) Up until a few months ago, i could only go out with my mother. 2) I've been camping! 3) Panic attacks are further apart.4 4) I have BEEN ILL for 6 weeks! 5) Rewind a few years and if i'd had a panic attack, i wouldn't have gone out again for weeks, perhaps months. 6) I drove nearly 5 hours away....IN THE DARK. 7) I am so much stronger than i realise. 8) I have a very supportive partner now, who doesn't get mad if i panic. 9) I have lots of friends that are too, very supportive. 10) I am the proud owner of Take That's new CD, out today ;) Good grief, i do fricking well considering my mental health has been shot to bits since 1998. I am super proud of myself and all i have achieved.

"Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom he has no relationship (or no longer has), with motives that are directly or indirectly traceable to the affective sphere. Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect)."

TOURETTES? It would appear that way! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. This morning, got up, dressed and went to my boyfriends place. Stayed there for a bit, went round friends to congratulate them on the birth of their baby girl (who i have to say was gorgeous and so very tiny), then to one supermarket where we picked up a HALF PRICE duck! Oh my gosh, it's amazing, and so cheap (however, i don't eat meat!). After that we took the short drive to Sainsburys, driving up to Sainsburys car park OUT OF THE FRICKING BLUE - PANIC ATTACK! I couldn't believe it. From no where...hit me. Without hesitation my boyfriend drove round and out of the car park, only to be greeted with a nose-to-tail traffic jam. I am SO disappointed, because there was no warning to say that it might or could possibly happen. He's was very supportive and calming as normal, but this panic attack hit my stomach and anything stomach related freaks me out (because of my emetophobia). BAD PANIC ATTACK, VER

...(apart from certain people) is this... I REALLY DISLIKE buying *things* for the house. Spending money on housey things. Let me give you an example. Today i had to purchase a new mop, an ironing board cover and a washing up bowl, which to be honest didn't cost me much at all, around £20 - BUT (and that's a really big but), i resented spending it. I could be spending that £20 on better things, like clothes, or FOOD... After i bought that shite, i spent a further £55 on clothes for my huge, ever growing son. I cannot believe how big he is. Taller than my mum (when she's in heels)..and almost as tall as me. Let me tell you something super exciting. When i went to the sedation dental clinic the other day, in my Converse shoes i was measuring 5ft 3.5, so take off that 1/2 inch and i am 5ft 3. This makes me super happy. I ALWAYS thought i was 5ft 2.5. Na ah....i am TALL!!! I'm feeling a lot more normal today. I've just got in from being round friends with

"I am someone who is looking for love, REAL love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other, love, and i don't think that love is here." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the city.

For the first time in 6 weeks i've not taken a paracetamol (or 2) for 12 hours, and right now i am experiencing terrible stomach cramps AND nausea. Could this be withdrawal???? If it is, it's bloody horrible :(

I've been feeling ill now for way too long. Yesterday i got a fever, which was nice. The (2 weeks worth of) antibiotics aren't doing me any favours either, and even worse, don't seem to be helping at all. Today, i am back on 2 hourly doses of medication. I feel like dogs shit to be blunt. I'm exhausted, fed up and getting more depressed and more agoraphobic by the bloody day. I've not been out 'properly' for weeks. Quick trip to Tesco's is about my limit, any more than that and my anxiety goes through the roof. My lovely boyfriend brought me round (without being asked even!) some more ibuprofen in his lunch break. I can still only manage frigging over cooked veg to eat and i still have a face like hell. SPOTS EVERYWHERE. I can't help feeling so low, i think the next person would given the length of time i have felt like this. I feel SO shit, i had to ironically cancel my doctors appointment! I went to the sedation dentists yesterday and i&#

MATT CARDLE, SIMPLY BRILLIANT!! ..and what beautiful eyes he has too...and so very handsome. Another Essex lad does us proud.

..subscribers on my YOUTUBE CHANNEL . I know it's not a lot compared to others, but for me - i am over the moon :)

I'm having a really shit down day today. I am hating myself. I feel disgustingly fat and ugly. My face looks like i have chickenpox. I'm hidden away upstairs in my bedroom while my son and boyfriend are playing the X-Box. Suits me. I think because i've been in pain now for so fricking long, i am tired of it. Last night was the first night in WEEKS that i didn't get up 2/3 times to take medication. I did wake up loads because of a headache, but i didn't move, just lay there, in pain. My gum/dry socket is not actually hurting as much as it did yesterday, i don't have that the intense pain of electric shocks in my face, but it is still throbbing. I feel worthless and useless and there is no point to me at all. Waste of space comes to mind.

...an expert at having teeth removed i just KNEW that this pain i was still experiencing wasn't normal. I've had A LOT of teeth taken out including all 4 wisdom teeth and even they didn't hurt as much as this one. So when i was getting electric-like-shocks through my gum/side of head and ear, something had to be wrong. I walked into the dentist today and waited for around 50 minutes before being seen, and as soon as i sat down, she prodded the gum (which hurt MORE than the tooth extraction) and i was swiftly diagnosed with 'dry socket'. She rammed a piece of gauze (i think) into the hole, which had an antibiotic on it and clove oil from what i could taste and i was sent away with another 7 days of antibiotics. Lovely. Fingers crossed the pain starts to subside soon.

Who are you?

Chipmunk is the word that comes into mind today! I am SO swollen. Had an awful night sleep. I was awake at 12, 1, 2, 3, 5 and 7! Each time waking up in agony. I've not taken pain relief since 5, so it's 4 1/2 hours, and i can *just* feeling it starting again. I'm rinsing with salt water, so that will help the healing process. UGH! THE PAIN.

And it's gone. No sedation. No panic. A little fast racing heart, but that's to be expected. Get in there at 8.55 and i am called straight in. Sit in the chair and i have an x-ray taken. That little thing they put in your mouth made me gag, so i was thinking that isn't a good start. Then she pulled out the injection. First one went into the back of my jaw. I FELT NOTHING. NO pain going in at all. Second injection went under the tooth, again - I FELT NOTHING! I was so happy, because i was more scared of the injections to be totally honest. Within 5 minutes out came the tools, i was totally numb (and still am). Then things went bad. The tooth wouldn't come out. I was told it generally takes between 2 - 5 minutes for an extraction. I was there 15 - 20 minutes. Every time she tried to pull it, little bits kept breaking off. So more digging was needed. I had my eyes open for most of it so i could see what was going on. She would get one lever tool, then a

...before i sit in the dentists chair, WITHOUT BEING SEDATED and have my tooth taken out. I am going to be brave, well, saying that...i would have "Joe Bloggs" take it out i am in so much pain! I don't give a shit who does it, i just want it gone, so i can sleep. Waking up at 2/3/4/5am in agony is NOT fun. Right now, i am nauseated (again). I am on antibiotics, ibuprofen AND co-codamol. I'm staggering the pain relief so i am always covered, however, within an hour of taking the painkillers the pain returns. I am NOT a happy girl. This week has been shitty. Stinky got a bad cold, then my boyfriend got an even worse cold (we'll just call it "Man flu"). I've seen him ONCE since last Wednesday. He's still ill now, and what with me and my tooth pain, we're not a good couple at the moment. Ugh. I am off to cry in pain now............

Hello my wonderful blog readers. As you know, i do have a Statcounter on my blog that has been on here FOREVER! Anyway, i know most of the people who come here, but there is one reader that i am unsure of, because they read through their iphone ...., i would like to know who is it? They do read most days too...so, yay for a frequent reader :) Is THIS you!?

MORE HALLOWEEN PICTURES HERE!

I had my sons' friend call up and ask if Stinky wanted to go trick 'n' treating. It's the first time he's ever been, but because he was at his daddy's it would be a matter of "What shall i put him in?". I have no costume prepared. I got online, checked out some Halloween makeup and this is what i came up with. With my lovely beautiful friend here for her 'expert' guidance...this is what the final outfit looked like, and if i do say so myself, i did a bloody good job!!!! Pumpkin at the ready, goodies in a box, i am just waiting now for the children to start arriving ;) HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

My handsome prince was! What a fabulous day we had. We went to town to find a present from my mother and because i bought him a laptop a few weeks ago, i said i wasn't buying him anything else, i obviously didn't stick to it - i got him a couple of little extras! Thing i have noticed about my child is this. He is ALWAYS SO grateful, for everything, no matter how little. He didn't really have many presents to open, yet he was really appreciative for them all, he doesn't give a crap about value, in fact, i think he has little to no concept of money, whereas his friend, when i gave him his present on Sunday, the FIRST thing he asked was "How much did you spend?". How disgusting is that? I got really quite pissed off. Anyway - there is this gadget shop that Stinky wanted to go in, but after 30 minutes of searching, there was nothing in there that he wanted. There was only one other thing that he would have liked but i disagreed because it was too big (for a

I've had such a manic weekend. From start to finish. Saturday it was a matter of urgency that i buy new clothes for a dinner party that evening. Thinking i could get away with going into ONE shop that was home to Topshop, Miss Selfridge, DP, Warehouse, but that was clearly very ambitious of me, because after trying on countless outfits, i came away with nothing. So then i dragged my poor mother into town to make an attack on River Island where i managed to find some lovely things, including some new boots, which my boyfriend then BROKE taking them off of me. Not happy! £80 and i wore them for 3 minutes :( The dinner party was amazing. Goats cheese on toast for starters, then a lovely homemade vegetable pie, followed by the most gorgeous chocolate fondant pudding with raspberry sorbet. I was stuffed, well and truly. Sunday was Stinkys bowling party. PICTURES HERE! It was a lot of fun. I lost - no surprises there though! After all that hullabaloo, went back to my boyfri

Today would have been my 7th anniversary!

I am considering buying a new recording device so i can do more stuff when i am out. Can anybody give me advice for a good camera to use. I've looked at the Flip Mino/Ultra, but i really have no idea. Help?

...for my nephew! I made it out, to dinner, with LOADS of children...and drove back in the dark, which is a biggy for me, because i hate driving in the dark, in fact, i have a new fear of the dark which is going to make this winter VERY interesting!!! PICTURES HERE!

...have been stressful to say the least. What with all the bullshit from overseas, then my fence being kicked down, TWICE, my gallbladder pain, face swelling to the size of a balloon, relationship concerns, (other things that i can't mention), more gallbladder pain, tiredness, MORE things that i can't talk about.... I am just about done! Perhaps ALL this bad stuff is 'karma' coming to get me for being such a deceitful/lying/nasty/dishonest bitch? Who knows? Maybe yes, maybe no, but whatever it is - i am SO over it now.

I am asking for ideas for YouTube videos.. I love doing them, but i can't think of a topic - What would you like to see me talk about.... HELP ME ;) PLEASE!

Question time, if you'd like to participate... What is the biggest secret you've kept and the biggest lie you've told. You can submit your comment anonymously to protect your identity. I am guessing the biggest lie i've told is telling my first husband i was in love with him, when in fact, YES i DID love him, but not in that way, i was just a pregnant, scared 22 year old, desperate to be taken care of. I'm not proud of what i did, but at the time, my step father was threatening to kick me out of my home as soon as the baby was born...so i clung on to someone i knew who cared about me (and borderline stalked me for 2 years before i got with him).

I've spent a day gardening and tiding both my boyfriends house and my house. I LOVE helping him out, he works very long hours and if i can help him at the weekend (today Monday is like a Sunday to him, he works Tues - Sat), then i will. After we did his house, he came back to mine and cut my honeysuckle back about 6ft... It was SO wide, i couldn't see to the end of my garden. When he left, i had to clean up all the cuttings, then i mowed (for the last time this year), followed by cutting down my honeysuckle at the front... It had grown too much over the door and it was mostly dead wood anyway, but now, it looks all neat and tidy, ready for (dare i say it) - WINTER!!! So now, at 7pm, i am going to have a LONG HOT bubble bath and enjoy my new read, Russell Brands 'Booky Wook 2'....

From now on, i am going to write about WHO i want and WHAT i want - NO HOLES BARRED. I'm not going to be worried about blogging certain things because it might not be what people want to read, i blog for a reason, to get things out in the open, to clear my head and heart... I'm not here to make friends...i'm here for myself and if people reading like what they see, then thats fabulous, if they don't, then no one is forcing them to put my blog address into Google. So yeah, i am pissed off having to conform to what other people want, from this moment, they can jog on!

How is an agoraphobic, mental fuck up with severe low self esteem meant to.. A) Be IN a relationship? B) Feel secure in a relationship when the other party is a commitmentphobe?

..local lad (lives very near me) proves himself on X-Factor. Support this amazing singer - Matt Cardle, he's frigging amazing. BIG UP THE ESSEX BOY!

Busy weekend. Went into town and met up with my gorgeous beautiful friend... Yesterday, i felt so tired, and roughly 10 minutes before i was meant to be going to my sisters i suddenly became almost zombiefied - i couldn't move, i was that tired, which isn't that surprising since i'd been awake from 1AM! By 4pm it should have been my bedtime. Exhaustion aside, i dragged myself out for dinner (with my dad, his wife, bf and Stinky). It was a lot of fun actually. This morning, getting up at 7am (WTF, IT'S SUNDAY!?), picked up my boy and went on our way to the Food Fair. OMGosh, what a divine experience. My boyfriend bought me a lovely piece of cheese, onion chutney, cheese and onion bread and biscuits. Doesn't sound a lot, but these places are extremely expensive. Me just woken up this morning - make-up free.... 2 pictures from the food fair :) Oh...i forgot, i was treated yesterday (doesn't happen that often - i've been throughly spoilt this weekend)

My friend called me today and told me something so fricking hilarious that i actually cried with laughter and continued to do so for a good half an hour and every-single-time i think about it, i do really " LOL/PMSL/ROFL ". I think it's one of those stories that i won't ever forget, never ever. Obviously my vagueness means i can't divulge in the details....just trust me when i say - It was bloody funny. In fact it made my day/week and probably my month. I *think* it may even take the award for the funniest story of the year, 2010. Another friend told me a little story...another funny one, that i CAN share. It goes like this... My friend went into a public toilet, 2 cubicles were busy and the one empty one was disgusting, covered in shit. She made a pfft noise and thought, i'm not using that, i'll wait. Standing with her arms folded waiting for a toilet to come free another women came in. She walked into the disgusting empty toilet and made the s

I think, i think..all this "I still love my ex" nonsense has started from when my fence was kicked down, because IF there was ever any trouble, although he hated me, he would ALWAYS defend me in any situation. Whereas, my boyfriend, isn't confrontational, in the slightest. Also, despite my ex hating me....he was willing to marry me - to live with me, to make a life with me.... (do you see where i am going with this?) - my boyfriend - ISN'T! I think him being with me, it's all fallen into place and i drew the short straw. Ex girlfriends of his have always wanted to move in/get married/have children....so there has been more of a commitment between them because they DID move in, but me, i don't want to - and won't ever do that. So there is not even the slightest bit of commitment needed from him. I will NEVER EVER be secure in this relationship, how can i be?

How can i still love someone who was so mean to me? Why can't i get over this? Why do i have these feelings? Why now, am i dreaming about this man? I am so confused.

...and i am only just starting to feel semi-conscious. I had a very busy day yesterday....too busy in fact, and also waking up at 11.10pm (for 30 minutes) , 2.05am (for one hour) , 4.30am (for one hour) and getting up at 6, might have something to do with it! So today, all i have done besides cleaning is lay about trying to get to sleep, which hasn't happened since my boyfriend has called A LOT! Now, i have got to get my arse into gear and do my exercises and then start on dinner. Currently my son is doing his French homework, then he's got R.E, so i'm looking at a good hour before dinner really needs to started, so between now and then, i've got to make it downstairs to exercise, which quite honestly is less than appealing. Other than tiredness, exhaustion...blah blah blah, i am pleased to say that my poorly face is 100% back to normal and i reckon because my skin was pretty much burnt off, it's left me with skin as good as new, so every cloud......... ;)

I sent this to my boyfriend this morning before i went out.... Needless to say, he liked it - a lot!

...ONE THING to make you re-evaluate everything, your whole life. What you know as familiar, needs to be addressed and taken into consideration.

From anxietyguru.net Check it out HERE!!!

IF you want to comment - email me at beingsarahc@aol.com. I have no idea where they've gone. All settings are correct - so, who knows!?

My weekend. Saturday, my lovely boyfriend came round, despite my face still not looking great. I didn't mind because i was babysitting my niece and nephew! Yesterday we went to visit my boyfriends mother and then had friends round in the evening. Busy day, Oh, i love days like these, apart from when you get up, realise there is water pissing through your ceiling and a hole is starting to appear! WTF???? We started off round my boyfriends, then we took a drive out to a butchers/abattoir... Nice, for a vegetarian. He bought a ton of meat for him and Stinky. I just stood there gagging the whole time. On the way home we made an impromptu stop at the same place i went with Ruby Wax and this time, i climbed to the top of the enormous hill! Half way up i was knackered, but continued anyway :) ....On the search for Krispy Kreme doughnuts, it took us on a nice little tip out. Bought 2, and OMG they were delicious. Then my BF wanted to take me to Stansted Airport, "It's e

Woke up, the swelling was still there but not quite so bad. Gradually during the day it completely subsided to almost nothing. INSTEAD i have blisters all over my face...which....i don't mind so much! Funny that. I've been nowhere and done nothing today. GOOD DAY!

I'm going this alone. I don't want anyone near me... I don't want to talk to anyone... All i want to do is sit and wait for this bullshit to go off my face. I've had a couple of doses off Prednisolone now. First one was fine. No reaction, in fact it didn't do anything. Didn't take the itching away, didn't make my swelling down down. Just after the second dose, i felt sick, legs were aching and i cried for England. I cried down the phone to my boyfriend (not just cried, i SOBBED) about everything. This is a BDD sufferers worst nightmare. You already despise the way you look, but now - i REALLY AM DISFIGURED. Nearly 3 days in, i still look a frigging mess and in fact the rash on my neck has started weeping, which is nice.... [[OMG - about 10 minutes ago i put in eye drops and sitting here in bed, i have just tasted them at the back of my throat - how bloody disgusting.]] My son is at his daddy's tonight, so it's been a really quiet night, quite

It's 8pm and where the skin on my neck is so sore and tight, i start to get panicky because it feels like i am being strangled. My next door neighbour texts me to see if i'm alright and i said no (obviously) so she came straight round. She can see that i am really distressed and getting panicky, so she calls up the out of hours doctor for me. She was absolutely brilliant. So calming. The doctor sends a "CODE RED" paramedic to me.... (who incidentally saw me that day in the chemist getting my medication). He checks me over, asks if i do an recreational drugs because my pupils are so big....lol. Then comes the ambulance. They check me over and said i am in no immediate danger - so, i can stay at home. Thing is, when i was given the steroids and the doctor didn't realise that i am mental because you're not meant to give this particular drug to mental people, so i had to get Benadryl and some steroid cream (neither of which worked). Anyway - the ambul

I have no pain today, so i am opting for the chicken's way out and going to be sedated for it :) Happy days - unless it starts hurting again. Initial appointment through for the 8th November!

OMFG - This is agony! FREEDERM SPOT CREAM! I've used it forever, but it no longer wants to be my friend :( Been given steriods now, so hopefully that'll do something, but currently, it's burning/itching and i want to cry!

I'm taking a blogging break. Cannot deal with the bullshit anymore. I've got too many IMPORTANT things happening in REAL LIFE to worry about INTERNET FUCKWITS/FUCKTARDS. I will be back, but i need a little time out. Keep well...keep safe. Sarah♥

I have got a decision to make before 9am tomorrow. The situation is this. I HAVE MAJOR TOOTHACHE ! Now, i go to the dentist tomorrow, i get a referral to the clinic where they sedate me and i know nothing about it, which could take up to 8 - 10 weeks! OR....i go tomorrow and get it whipped out, there and then - BUT I HATE DENTISTS! What shall i do?

I am talking about my son, not me! Even at his age i was already a proper worry-wart. Worrying about everything. Stinky on the other hand is as laid back and as confident as a child could be. There is not a thing in this world that would phase him. I won't lie, being around Stinky and having panic and agoraphobia i have always be concerned that it would rub off on him (yes, yes, there's still time), but right now, not in the slightest. When he was taking his S.A.T.S, there is a lot of shit about the children being effected by the stress of it all - my boy, NO STRESS - nothing! Starting big school, did he care? Noooooo. The stacks and stacks of homework? - Nope. I am really very grateful that he is worry-free, but maybe in time, as he gets older he will learn to 'worry' a bit more... For now, I am happy that he's able to be a happy, happy boy :) Stinky is in a world of his own, and he's perfectly fine there!!!

My sister and her husband. Been together for MANY years, married since September 1998. This IS my sisters first love. They were together at school for a number of years and off and on until they got back together FINALLY in 1996. He's a lovely husband/father/brother-in-law and rather handsome if i do say so myself!

Up to now i am having THE perfect 'home alone' day. My boyfriend left at 9 this morning, which left me the rest of the day to just do 'stuff'. I ♥ these days! Start off with me changing all the bed clothes, followed by 3 loads of washing. My friend has the day off so i had, chatted A LOT to her today. Then my other friend came round for a good hour and a half and right now, i am talking to my boyfriend and have been for another hour whilst making a quiche/putting away washing AND tidying.

After a long day on my own yesterday, i woke up stupid early - i REALLY need to learn how to have a lay-in. At 7.22am my boyfriend text me "Am i awake yet?" Of course i am....duh! By 8.30am he was round mine. 9.30am we left to do Sainsburys shopping and home by 10.30. VERY productive morning. Had lunch round my mothers because she's been on holiday...and now i am home, waiting for X-Factor to start.... Counting down the hours/minutes :) Can't wait for my bed tonight though, i can feel twinges in my stomach and it's not making me very happy....