BEING SARAH.......

I need ANOTHER operation. WTF !? I've got to have a Laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to get to the bottom of my "lady issues". I'm fucking pissed off. REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed off. Oh yeah, as i sat there the consultant says "There is a change of puncturing your bowel because you're slim". ROCK ON! Get me in that theater - NOW. I've had enough now.

People with Chiari Malformations may experience no symptoms. When symptoms are present, they usually do not appear until adolescence or early adulthood, but can occasionally be seen in young children. The most common Chiari symptoms include: Severe Headache and Neck Pain Pain at the back of the head that is aggrivated by coughing, sneezing, straining etc. Dizziness Vertigo Disequilibrium Visual disturbances Ringing in the ears Difficulty swallowing Heart palpitations Sleep apnea Muscle weakness Impaired fine motor skills Chronic fatigue Painful tingling of the hands and feet ("Pins & Needles") Other Chiari symptoms may include: Nystagmus Memory loss Restricted movement Intolerance to bright light / difficulty adjusting to light change Difficulty walking on uneven ground / feeling ground under feet Difficulty driving Difficulty negotiating steps Pressure / pain behind the eyes (soreness in the eyeballs) Back pain Neck spasms Insomnia Swaying Pain when changing position Tin

I KNEW good things weren't going to last. I've been diagnosed with Cerebellar Tonsils/Chiari Malformation Type 1 . There's not really much else to say.

BIG NEWS COMING. No i am not pregnant, nor getting married (obviously).

....So, we're on the way to the zoo this morning at 9.30. We get 3/4 of the way there and we breakdown... ...on a busy roundabout! Can you believe it? Apparently it's the cam belt which i understand is a very big deal especially if it's fucked up the engine, you're look at least £1000 to fix it. Worst bit is, he hasn't even paid for the car yet :( I'm so upset for him and we're meant to be going camping next weekend, so unless some miracle happens, it doesn't look like we'll be able to go. BAD TIMES.

What's happened to Nikki from http://agoraphobiaandme.blogspot.com/ (Health anxiety and me).

Commitment phobic men may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours: 1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday". 2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity. 3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women. 4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over. 5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs m

LOLOL...laughing AT you keep stalking me.

It's getting shorter AND lighter!

Now at the grand age of 35, two failed marriages behind me, a son of eleven and being in a relationship that's on the road to nowhere, there are some hard hitting decisions that have GOT to be made whether i want to or not. I need to reevaluate exactly what i want and if it's at all possible to achieve. There are some things that i know are never going to happen, not as my situation like it is, and yes i am a little sad about that - but more to the point, i need to feel secure on a daily basis, and i sometimes don't feel it. I don't know if it's down to me and hating myself, never feeling good enough, or something completely different, but it needs to be addressed, in my own head. I can't be that girl, waiting for the end....i did that for 7 years with my ex and it destroyed me. Nightmares every night, which always ended in the same scenario, him leaving me for another women, and low and behold my dreams/nightmares DID turn into reality. I've started having

..thing that is holding me back in having my life exactly the way i want it and that is still the self loathing i deal with daily. I HATE, HATE, HATE, everything about my body. There is not one bit that i am happy with. I fucking detest it all. I'm never going to have that...and it's really hard to deal with. If anyone has noticed i 99.9% of the time when i am out i wear sunnies. There is a reason for that. They are big and cover most of my ugly face up. I don't just wear them just when the sun is shining. I just wish that for ONE day, i could see what it's like to be a pretty girl, with no scars/no acne/no wrinkles/good boobs and good legs, that would be amazing, never going to happen though.

I know i am dragging up the past here, but i was sitting downstairs, having a ciggie, when i remembered something from when i was with ARSEWIPE. He had to travel somewhere for work and it was with two women. I am going back to when he'd only been in that job for maybe 6 months. Anyway....I distinctively recall her name being the name of his new bird and that he said she was blonde, which this chick is and older than him, again...his girlfriend is older. So now i am wondering how long he was cheating on me for. Was it 6 months? A year? Maybe 2? Because when we split he'd been doing this job for perhaps 24/30 months. It's not that i am bothered, not now...because obviously i am well over it, but the fact that he did it, STAYED WITH ME and treated me like dog shit, when he could have left a LONG time before. I think he enjoyed knowing that he could treat me anyway he could and i just put up with it, without question. Looking back, i was a total idiot. Whatever, what's

..and with more PHOTOS of what i've been doing :) Yesterday, firstly we went to Next to take back my pillowcases. Got there and there was a notice saying "NO REFUNDS". Me being a thicket, missed the huge signs on the window saying SALE! Never mind , i may aswell have a look around while i was there. Just as well i did, because i bought a new rug and 2 more cushions, you all my know about my cushion fetish ;) In the afternoon we went to my boyfriends brothers. Had a lovely time. Such nice people. I'd never been round there before, so that was all good. Then in the evening we had friends round for a curry. OMG - what a gorgeous curry it was too. I laughed my arse off.... Today i went to the seaside. It was amazing, the sea was WARM. Can you believe it? It's quite a distance to the beach, so a big test for me, but it all went smoothly. I couldn't have asked for a better day. This whole week has been fantastic (boyfriend has been on holiday). I've never bee

..and what a week it has been. I've not had a day in since last Saturday until today. I've been out and about as if (dare i say it) i was NORMAL! I've been places and done things i never thought i would be able to. Buying all this stuff for my room, back and forth to my boyfriends, over to my mothers, went to one town in the morning, then to another (in completely the opposite direction) when i had to spend 2 1/2 hours in A & E for my poor fractured finger, which i am very naughty because i've taken the dressing off and i am paying with pain today. Today, i've blitz my house top to bottom with bleach. Fingers crossed i don't get that awful skin reaction like that last time i did it. Although it was only October when i redecorated in the kitchen, living room, hall/stairs/landing and bathroom, it now looks crappy compared to my "boudoir"... ;) I've got to go back to Next tomorrow and change pillowcases, because i got the wrong ones, it's a bu

..well as much as i am going to get from my boyfriend. He currently drives a (boy racer) Citroen Saxo, but as of this afternoon, he'll be driving a Renault Scenic AKA a 'People carrier'. I am SO proud of him, this is a massive step from his sporty cars to a proper adult/family vehicle. More room for me, Stink, the dog and camping gear :)

..ready for finished room????

My boyfriend is still sick. He called me this morning at 6.44 to tell me that he'd been up again all night with stomach cramps, he's lost so much weight bless him and there's nothing i can do to help him. He came round last night to see me despite being in pain. However, i sent him home after 20 minutes because he could barely stand up straight because his stomach was hurting so badly. We've got a busy weekend, i hope he feels better soon. So...the main aim of my day was to empty my room. I would say i am 80% of the way there, however, the furniture is still in here, along with the odd piece of crap. My living room is storage at the moment, and i HATE being in a mess, but i have to live like it for now. While cleaning i found some interesting things. I'm £12 richer for a start, that's always nice, then i found a picture of an ex friend, with her son and her ex-husband. I didn't even realise i still had it, well, i don't anymore, it joined the rest of the

Who would have thought, that I, Miss Sarah would be SO happy and content with her life...? Life is full of ups and downs, and i've (like a lot) have had my fair share of downs, and i'm pretty damn sure that i will have many more, but for now, living in the moment, i am so unbelievably happy. I am LOVING my life (still hating myself), but my world has expanded more than i could have ever hoped for. My boyfriend is amazing, patient and loving. He gives me what i need, i know it's not forever, but for now....it's all i need. ...and then you have Stinky. GORGEOUS, HANDSOME, FUNNY, doesn't have a single care, in the world, totally free from worries and stresses - the complete opposite to his crazy mother - and a real delight to be around. He loved camping. He adores my boyfriend. I love my boy so much and to be able to involve him in these things...is what makes it all worth while. ...Finally - raise a glass to new friends, who accept ME FOR ME!

Well, what can i say? I'm fabulous? I'm amazing? I'm bloody brilliant? I'm just too damn good....? NO PANIC! NO ANXIETY? NO NOTHING! First time out of my hometown for any length of time for almost 12 years. In the last year i have achieved more than i could have ever imagined...and i like to remind myself that when i first got with my boyfriend i couldn't go more than 1/2 mile in the car with him - and now..... CAMPING!!!!!! With other people!!!! OMG - I can hardly believe it myself... NB -- If you're going to look at the pictures, they've uploaded back to front, so start at 90 and work backwards :) ...oh and, it was GAY weekend there...so there were loads of Rainbow flags, a disco ball and fairy lights - RIGHT UP MY STREET!!!!

Head full of "What if's"... What if i panic on the way? What if i panic, freak out and can't get home because i AM freaking out so much? What if i panic in the night? What if i panic infront of his friends? What if i panic coming home? What if i panic...WHAT IF? Okay, so it's an hour away. I can do an hour away, Cambridge is OVER an hour away. The theater was about as far....i CAN do it. ...and i have Stinky with me, he's my rational mind. "What are you scared of mummy, there are no monsters".... Which is true. PLUS, added bonus, one of the women who is going works in the mental health field, so she has understand of my "mentalness".... Wish me luck. Camping party time....whoop!!!