BEING SARAH.......

Sarah♥ said... Care to share ALL these messages over the last year. I would just LOVE to see them! 9/08/2010 06:18:00 PM Sarah♥ said... No? Is that because there's been what? 2/3/4? All asking you to stop reading my blog? 9/08/2010 06:22:00 PM Sarah♥ said... So if asking you to stop reading my blog, is harassing, stalking..then yes, i am both of those things. 9/08/2010 06:23:00 PM Sarah♥ said... BTW - My Brain Disorder is still here. Thanks for asking. How is yours? 9/08/2010 06:24:00 PM Sarah♥ said... Samuel knows who his REAL father is. Not at all confusing. No different to my step father and real father. I'm not confused. 9/08/2010 06:24:00 PM Lisa x said... How would someone know you're writing about them if they weren't reading your blog?!...Strange. 9/08/2010 06:25:00 PM Sarah♥ said... She's reading alright. Every-single-day without fail. Just to gloat. ..and she calls ME a stalker!!!!!! 9/08/2010 06:27:00 PM vinny said... aww hope stinky has a great ti

... does this keep happening? My poor heart can't take it :(

..Forever Anxious...but i am sure he won't mind, 'cause i can't sleep :( Where is your phone? Bedside table. Home and mobile Your hair? A mess. Your Mother? Fab. Your Father? Who? Your favourite food? Salad Your dream last night? Horrible. Your favourite drink? Tea Your dream/goal? Be normal? What room are you in? Bedroom Your hobby? Don't really have one. Your fear? Loads. Going out, staying in. Dying. Losing the people who i love. Hurting people. Where do you want to be in six years? Anywhere but here. Where were you last night? At home with my gorgeous boyfriend. Something that you’re not? Brave. Muffins? Love 'em. Wishlist item? I have everything i want in a material sense. Where did you grow up? ESSEX Last thing you did? The Sun. What are you wearing? My Gap PJ's Your TV? Off. Your pets? 3 cats and a dog. Friends? Around Your life? Happy. Your mood? Okay thanks. Missing someone? My boyfriend Vehicle? Don't have one. Something you’re not wearing? My di

Simple things...like... Having the wire on your hoover untangled for the millionth time. Unwrapping your new gum for you to save time. Candles lit. Fire burning. Those phone calls at 8.30 in the morning. The kisses and cuddles. Being told that you ARE loved and you do look nice. Trusting someone. The feeling knowing that they don't care if you're slightly mental. TEA and biscuits in bed... Waxing!!!!

I got to my boyfriends house this was on Sunday, in HIS car (obviously) not without some anxiety..however, i got there, stayed all day/all night. We left around 11am yesterday morning, I DROVE home...i was fine. No panic. No anxiety. Thinking perhaps this is the time i need to buy another car? What do you think?

For all those people who read my blog yesterday, on CHRISTMAS DAY!? What are you thinking??...lol

MARIA MENA - ALL THIS TIME. You self destructive Little girl Pick yourself up Don't blame the world So you screwed up But you're gonna be ok Now call your boyfriend And apologize You pushed him pretty Far away last night He really loves you You just don't always love yourself. All this time Ohhh all this time You have had it in you You just sometimes need a push All this time Ohhh all this time You have had it in you You just sometimes need a push Think all the mean girls That pulled your hair Are barefoot now and Pregnant there And you write pop songs And get to travel Round the world And all this time Ohhh all this time You have had it in you You just sometimes need a push All this time Ohhh all this time You have had it in you You just sometimes need a push So you've had some detours Some stupid men Now we know what Not to do again Besides you're locked out Finally All this time Ohhh all this time You have had it in you You just sometimes need a push All this tim

I have the best mother and son in the world. Surround yourself with non-judgemental people. NO ONE IS PERFECT!!!!!!!!!! Someone saying they love you, doesn't in fact mean, they do! People will do EVERYTHING they can to bring you down. Some people have delusions of grandeur. Think they are a whole lot better than you, when really...they are just a big fat joke. Some people are so fucked up, they think you work like they do. When...excuse me...no i do not!! Regardless of mentalness, some people just don't give a shit and WILL love you..., care about you and make life as good as possible. Sometimes fighting for a cause, is absolutely pointless. Sex on fire is my favourite song of the year - GO KINGS OF LEON! Marriage = bullshit. Divorce = GOOD! My friends, the new friends i have had to build from scratch over the last couple of years are wonderful...all the others who have disappeared for whatever reason...lol...see ya!!!!! I have renewed my love for Take That...lol Loving yours

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

I'd smile from ear to ear. I'd laugh at every funny thing I saw. I'd stop to remember the happy moments in my life every time my giddiness began to fade. I'd dye my hair bright pink, wear it in pigtails with lots of bows and ribbons, line my eyes in glitter and stars, and laugh every time I looked in the mirror from pure delight. I would allow myself to love myself and therefore everyone else. I'd forget about my weight, how much money I have in the bank, what others thought of me, and what yesterday brought. I'd stop blaming other people for how I feel. I'd step away from those people that didn't build up the energy around me, and that looked for the negative. I'd set myself free from any reason to feel held down. I'd fly in my new awareness. I'd dance everywhere I went, play the stereo as loud as I could and sing at the top of my lungs, drive slowly in the sunshine and soak up the rays, notice every leaf on every tree. I'd tell everyon

..that i am depressed - again. It's that feeling i have every year, getting closer to Christmas. I am fed up and feeling really miserable. What is different, is that i'm scared this time. I know this is a trivial thing, but i always keep the downstairs light on for Stinky, it's enough, in fact it's plenty. There is no need for him to have his bedroom light on, at all. I have told him this SO many times and plus, because he has a dimmer switch in his room, i can't use an energy saving bulb, it has to be the regular kind. I get up this morning at 6am to pee and he's got his light on. I AM FUMING. Something inside me just snapped. Perhaps it's because i have told on COUNTLESS occasions NOT TO PUT THE LIGHT ON, YOU DON'T NEED IT!!!! A little bit later, i go and wake him up and just let rip ( NO SMACKING - NOT MY STYLE). I really shout and i am crying too. His room looked like a shit hole, there is crap all over ever surface. His room is tiny, so if ther

Last night, i had my FIRST dinner party, only with one other couple, but round my house, where we were all eating...yay!!!! My soon to be ex wanker husband never let me meet any of his friends, the ONLY time i did was at our wedding...and then from then on, nothing. Whereas my boyfriend, he wants me to meet everyone and now! Had a really good time, no anxiety (i have come A LONG way since i couldn't have ANYONE in my house). The only time my mind thought i could have it was during the meal...cause you can't ask anyone to leave while they are eating. But i was fine. Laughed a lot. My boyfriend was really proud of me...which makes me very very happy....AND BTW - We had our SIX month anniversary on Sunday :)

Get rid of one arsehole out of my life that slagged me off no end, and it's been replace (full force) with my step father being a complete and utter dick. Last night, i was at my mothers, my step father was asleep on the sofa. I ask her to drop her off at my boyfriends. This was fine. However, once sleeping beauty arose all hell let loose. My mum told him, i am just taking Sarah home and i will meet you at *Rose's*, they were going to pop round for a cuppa. With that, he started going on about taking two cars into town. Mum told him i'd just given her petrol money...but he said he couldn't give a shit if i'd given her £200 for petrol. We then agreed that if he wouldn't mind dropping me off on the way, i'd go with him (BARING IN MIND - IT'S ON THE WAY TO THEIR FRIENDS HOUSE). He stormed into the utilty room, threw on his coat, mum could see the mood he was in and she said she'd drive...that went down like a lead balloon "IT'S MY CAR

Olly Murs..fantastic :)

So something that really winds me up is reading about "agoraphobics" who recently went on holiday to Greece/France/AMERICA, or an "agoraphobic" who went out Christmas shopping alone for 7 hours...., or an "agoraphobic" who goes to work every-fucking-day. Forgive me for getting angry, but i would LOVE to have their kind of agora-fucking-phobia!!!!!!!!! WANNA SWAP!????

..Until my Decree Absolute can be applied for... :) :) :) :)

FRIDAY - My boyfriend came over...we had our usual lovely evening together :) SATURDAY - EARLY, EARLY, EARLY. I got up to go "Christmas" shopping, what a big fat fail that was. I managed to buy myself a pair of leggings, biker boots, 2 t-shirts from All Saints (stupidly expensive t-shirts i may add), a t-shirt from French Connection, some little diamante earrings and some socks! I am trying to be a bit "Rock Chick" at the moment...my mother said manly.... lol . I DID by Stinky 4 more presents though. My aim was to get my bf something else, but couldn't decide. On the way home we stopped off at the new Next Home ware store...BIG mistake!!! I ended up buying a new rug and 4 more cushions, this is after i just spent £xxx on cushions only a matter of weeks ago. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Sunday - work day. I stayed at my boyfriends last night. He's unwell, well...he's got gout in his knee and can't move it. (MONDAY) I left there this morning at 8am and by

I look vile... :( RUBYS ROOM

I recieved a message in my Facebook inbox stating that my husband was cheating on me for a long time before we split up. I also found out that he is taking her to Australia to the wedding that he divorced me over, which makes sense, because you wouldn't make long term plans with a girlfriend of a few months, especially like the plans of a 8 week holiday!!! So am i bothered? Um...bothered that he cheated on me? Not now, no. I would have been had i found out before he wanted the divorce, obviously! I don't know how i feel really - glad he's happy... :)

...to wrap it up - pointless. Mum and dad separated when i was four. Mum left him because he was never around, always at work, in the pub, playing rugby/watching rugby...so she made the decision which was right for her at the time and went. Anyway..my issues are these. My father moved to the other end of the country where he had two children with his new wife. They are now 27 and 28 years old. He has NEVER made any effort with ME...just me. My sister is a total different matter, he calls her twice weekly, speaks to her children, she is able to visit him whereas i can't - they met up in London earlier this year for a day out...i obviously wasn't involved. However, we are under an hour from London, so he COULD have driven that little bit further to come and see his agoraphobic daughter. This year i have received TWO phone calls on the 8th/9th July, but that was because he'd forgotten my birthday...and i have seen him the once, which was yesterday. What i can't understand,

Where do i start? There is trouble in the C/W household. Last night we were watching Come dine with me, as you do - on a Sunday night, happy as "Larry" - then all hell was let loose. My BF text his bro asking him the name of that very expensive brand of food mixer...anyway...to cut a very long story short, my BF's brother, appears to have a MAJOR problem with me, despite never meeting me. Apparently its all because we split up - 12 weeks ago - and then got back together..., yes people, we have been together nearly 6 months now... i can't believe it....anyway....my gorgeous boyfriend took MAJOR offense to this and this morning in my house, it's been WW3, NOT between me and him, but between him and his brother.

I had to do shopping today, a big shop...grocery shopping. Bloody hell - Sainsburys in my town are having a re-fit. What a mess... I went in on my own with a shopping list of about 20 things, perhaps a few more, anyway - normally that would have taken me about 15 minutes, today 45. I couldn't find anything, EVERYTHING has moved. Ugh! Talk about annoying. Doesn't make an agoraphobic happy, let me tell you. I did it okay - no panic, just pissed off...

For 3 days i have had a crappy (just there) headache, the kind that won't go with the help of painkillers... My boyfriend was off sick earlier in the week with a bad headache/sore throat, so it's possible that i have contracted his disease...lol. However, this morning, headache still here and my sinuses are throbbing and so are my teeth, it ALWAYS effects my teeth. I have no sniffy nose/sore throat, nor am i sneezing and i don't have a fever either. Just general lethergy and head pain... Just feeling crap! However - Christmas is coming :) Christmas tree goes up on the 1st....pictures WILL follow....

It was awful. We walked from the car through the shopping centre and i was telling my mother i didn't feel well and that i couldn't get to M & S, so she grudgingly turned round and we started walking back to the car. But for a moment i thought, i am going to try this, so back we went toward M & S. Baring in mind, mum wanted food, so its right at the back of the store... We got stuck in the go-slow queue and panic hit me. I HAD TO GET OUT, but mum wouldn't leave her food at the till - so we stood there, actually, i was dancing around like some fool. The checkout women was staring as if i was effing mad. I knew it was a bad idea to go to M & S - i was shaking...i felt sick, bad, awful - BUT....i managed to just about stay there...and i didn't die and i didn't vomit and who cares that the women thought i was mad...

HAD ENOUGH. FUCKING TIRED OF LIVING LIKE A RECLUSE. TOO SCARED TO LIVE. TOO SCARED TO FIGHT. TOO SCARED TO DO ANYTHING. FEAR HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE FOR 11 YEARS. I CANNOT FIGHT IT. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I LET PEOPLE DOWN ON A DAILY BASIS WITH THIS STUPID ILLNESS. I DIDN'T ASK TO BE THIS WAY, BUT I AM CONSTANTLY JUDGED BECAUSE OF IT. WHAT DID I DO SO BAD TO DESERVE TO HAVE A LIFE LIKE THIS? WHAT DID ANY OF US DO? THIS IS FUCKING SHIT. AND I CANNOT DO IT ANY MORE. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! THIS IS SHIT...THIS IS HELL.

So..this morning, my sweet little dog came into season and MY panic is over. Thing is, i kind of feel...not disappointed, but i suppose being so many days late i had resigned to the fact that pregnancy was a real possibility. In other news...OMFG! The "plan" is to stay at my boyfriends on Christmas Eve, where i will finally meet, both his brothers (and partners) and his mother. I feel anxious just thinking about it. We would have been together for 6 months by then, so i think the time is right and definitely not something that we have rushed into. Meeting the parent/s (sadly his father died 10 years ago), is a big deal, and i am nothing like his ex...so i don't know whether they are going to like me...or think i am right for him - i am really nervous. Stinky will be there, so i do have something familiar around me. MORE NEWS...Stinky is finally getting to 'meet' HIS biological father. Recently he's be asking a few questions about him and i don't know what

Still "nothing" to report. At what stage do i start to worry? I've got really bad pains sitting over my left ovary but no generalised period pain, like i could get. To be honest, i don't for a second think i am pregnant, just the absence of my period is causing concern. I'm feeling altogether shit today :(

Lets bloody hope so. For this past week i have peed for Britian, i feel sick unless i am gorging (really bad cravings for sweet stuff), i never usually eat in the day, i am knackered, dizzy, headachey and generally feeling blah. My boobs have that awful feeling like they do just before you'd breast feed, any mothers out there will know what i mean, that chronic tingling... Perhaps i'm worrying that bloody pill didn't work.... :( I am due anytime now...lets hope we see some activity really soon...

I am due my first period since the morning after pill - and frigging hell am i in pain! Usually (since i had Stinky) i no longer get bad cramps, just a headache, but today...OMG - it hurts :(

No. 1 - It's 11.30pm and my neighbour has her washing machine going. It has been on since...oh...8.30 (multiple loads me thinks), anyway...her kitchen is DIRECTLY UNDER MY FRIGGING BEDROOM - meaning - my bed is shaking from the fucking machine spin, and to be honest, it sounds like shit and that its just about to break. CHOOSE YOUR WASH TIMES BETTER! And no, she isn't on economy 7 either!!!!!!! It is getting on my nerves now. No. 2 - STRESSED (hence title). I have just spent the last hour and something minutes with my boyfriend telling me about i am not pushing myself. Don't get me wrong, its definitely not in the same was as my arsehole ex use to do it, because there is no, "I will finish with you if you don't do this/do that." He was saying, which i do agree with, that i don't push myself enough and that i am too lazy when it comes to doing exactly that. And yes he is right. I recently left a comment on Roberts blog and like i have said a gazillion times

I am going to have a rant here. We were watching the ten o'clock news last night and there was a REPORT on there about a women who'd left her FOUR young children alone (between the ages of 3 months and 4 years) while she went on a 24 HOUR drink and drug bender. Okay, so i am a far from perfect mother, but fuck me....WHAT THE HELL???? 3 months old? They showed footage from inside the house where the children had moved chairs to search for food...it makes me SO mad. There are thousands of women out there desperate for children, try so hard going through IVF...and end up unsuccessful, but then you have this fucking pathetic excuse of a mother who does this. UGH! I am MAD. These kind of women do not deserve to have children...ANYWHERE NEAR HER! Her punishment - NOTHING. Walked free. What kind of example is being set? The law thinks its okay for this to happen? Okay, so the children are now being cared for by the grandparents...but the WOMEN - lock the bitch up.

...Ruby Wax!!!!!! I've had the most unbelievable day. I was interviewed again by Ruby Wax, but this time at my mothers house. It's a follow up to my last interview that took place over Skype back in February...kind of a...."What happened next". She was very down to earth, held my hand all the time...made me feel comfortable. We went out to the park first of all near my mothers house and then we took it to a park in town where i had to see how far i could go. To get into the park itself was a fair distance from the flipping car, so i was well out of my comfort zone before we even started. I did start getting anxious at one point, but it was controlable. Had a bloody marvelous day....boyfriend was there with me....all was good :) ...AND....do you you want to know the BEST bit? I have PAUL MCKENNA'S number in one hand...and Rubys in the other :) :) :)

Big thumbs up to Levonelle 1500. I had NO side effects, not one...not a single twinge until exactly 12 hours after i took it where i started to get excruciating stomach cramps, i remember labour feeling very similar. I was doubled over in pain for an hour, then it stopped... then it started again... then it stopped... then it started AGAIN - you get the picture? Still no bleed, but that is not uncommon...so i am just waiting. I felt super nauseous yesterday and this morning especially, but thankfully nothing more now than some period pains. Thank goodness that is over. Good news also...my face, is finally healing.........BUT.......i have a very large scar on my nose. Thumbs down .

I opted to really go mad and *try* Levonelle 1500 instead of the coil. The thought of having a little piece of copper rammed up through my vagina/cervix to my womb really didn't make me happy, not even thinking about the pain AND the fact it can lower your heart rate and make you faint whilst being done (apparently, so my doctor informed me, that the cervical muscles are the same as the heart muscles and can effect it). So i called my doctor last night and explained that i was not happy with my decision and he gave me the pills. Although it was about 35 hours since the "accident" happened, i am still a good 85% clear of it working. My boyfriend collected the pill and brought it too me, like the angel that he is. I held it in my hand and my heart raced, i thought it was going to jump out of my body...i WAS scared of what would happen, obviously. Pills aren't my thing. I swallowed it...that was 8 hours ago. I've felt cramping...a little neauseous at times...b

((Okay, so this may just be too much information, but i am still going to type this!)) At approximately 2.01am this morning, my gorgeous boyfriend and i had (as the doctor so nicely put it) as sheath malfunction, aka...fucking condom broke on my most fertile day...how bloody typical is that???? I HATE condoms and my reason...they are shite, and this morning i was yet again, proven right! I had an emergency appointment at 10.40 to weigh up my options (which i went with my boyfriend to, he took me - yay!!!). Morning after pill...don't think so. Last time i had that i was so poorly and decided i never wanted to go through that again, my only other option...the IUD! GREAT! Not happy about that at all...but it will sort me out, plus no more condom worries. While i was there..i was swabbed, again! Seriously, do i look like some dirty ho? I was only done about 4 months ago. {actually, as i sit and type this i am feeling more and more ill. headache, runny nose...fabulous} What els

This is now getting beyond a bloody joke. My face is still hideous. The 'wounds' (and i WILL call them that because they are just like gapping wounds) are still there and if not worse and to add to it, i have another THREE! That is FIVE disgusting holes in my face. I am trying ever so hard not to look at them, but when you know they are there...i can't not. It's the continuing vicious cycle of.... teeny tiny spot > pick > make worse > pick to make better > even worse ... i just don't know what else to do.

Is anyone out there? I am going fucking insane.

What really makes one feel special is when they are wished dead. Because i called my mother to tell her that i was feeling really down, after she got off the phone my step father said "I wish she was gone" my mum asked him what he meant, did he mean dead and he said "YES". Nice.

My body dysmorphia is effecting me more than my panic and agoraphobia. I am SO depressed with myself. I can't do anything, because i don't want anyone to see me. This is hell. My life is hell.

I couldn't resist - HOW FLIPPING CUTE IS MY SLEEPING PUP!?

From this... To this...in 4 months. REALLY trying to grow it. I've had it cut twice by my gorgeous boyfriend...not that i wanted it done because I AM TRYING TO GROW IT! Seems a little...um...stupid to keep cutting off the length...but anyway...it's getting longer. What i did forget is that when you grow it, it goes through those horrid stages of it looking shite...i was PAST that stage, but then i was ordered to have it cut...so i am right back there again! Ugh. Poop.

NB. I have cream on my nose covering up the hideousness.... :)

..technically, shes not a puppy anymore, but because she's so tiny...she's like a little pup. Being smaller than ALL my cats....she's just lovely. I LOVE HER! I had her groomed last week, so she looks all nice, clean and tidy....i seriously am so in love with her...i can totally understand how 'people' treat their dogs like children...Bluebell is the little girl i never had.... :) Couldn't resist another....

Okay. So in my last blog i mentioned that i had *burnt* my face. That, i am sorry to admit was a big fat lie. I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia about 18 years ago and part of that illness is picking at skin - it's called Dermatillomania . I am really embarrassed to talk about this, but as i am a very open person...i have decided to. **Compulsive face picking is not a sign of poor hygiene nor is it necessarily a sign of a hard-to-control acne problem. Quite often someone with this behavioral issue will begin picking at a spot that is entirely invisible to the naked eye but the urge to focus on it can turn it into an open, bleeding wound that cannot be concealed, even under the heaviest cosmetics. Some people develop the habit of compulsive facial picking as a result of damaged self-esteem, leaving the subject feeling psychically wounded, unworthy. They pick to emphasize the blemishes in their lives or characters although these social blemishes are often seen by only the subject

I don't know if its a combination of all the stress that i have had with the decorating going on, the imminent divorce, the fact it have ruined my face but picking, which are NOT clearing up, just massive open wounds (and when i say massive i can get my thumb into the gaping holes), and a lot of other stuff that has been going on too. I woke up this morning on my sons 11th birthday and cried. I cried yesterday and the day before that too. I have spent in total six hours today (i can't even begin to think how many hours in total) infront of the mirror trying speed up the healing procress on my disgusting disfigured face, but to no avail. I look like a fucking freak. I feel awful. Because of all this - i am again, questioning WHY my boyfriend would want to be with someone as hideous as me. Someone who is so fucked up. Just don't get it. I've not seen my boy today, at all. He's been out with his daddy since 10am, and is now bowling until 8pm. What a fucking shit awful

I spent more on ONE cushion than i spend on my weekly groceries...and i bought FOUR! I spent an absolute fortune yesterday doing my accessory shopping. I still need to do more... Today i've been doing the garden and my bf is glossing the bathroom - bless him!

I spent more on ONE cushion than i spend on my weekly groceries...and i bought FOUR! I spent an absolute fortune yesterday doing my accessory shopping. I still need to do more... Today i've been doing the garden and my bf is glossing the bathroom - bless him!

My house is STILL a mess. The bathroom is tiled and emulsioned and if i do say so myself, i did a bloody good job of the paint work. All that needs to be done now is the lino fitted and the panels put on the bath. The hall and landing will be finished today...hopefully. Kitchen and lounge - COMPLETE :) We had a DRAMA! Yes, a DRAMA! I got my boyfriend to hold my mirror up vertically, just to see what it looked like, and he dropped it, scrapping the freshly painted wall and chipping a massive chunk out of my skirting board. Luckily, my lovely decorator filled both holes and is going to sort it out for me. I was really upset, my lovely walls...lol! Today i am doing my favourite bit - shopping for accessories. Bathroom, lounge, storage and kitchen stuff...LOVE IT!!

Pre grout of course :)

There is SO much dust in my house. It's as if the Sahara has blown in. Decorator is here...he's sanding...and sanding...and doing MORE sanding! My entire downstairs is covered in thick white dust...not good :( UPDATE: Took it upon myself to pull up my bathroom lino as i am having the tiler in tomorrow...OMFG i really REALLY wish i hadn't. That was possibly one of my worst experiences - EVER!!! GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSS. One word comes to mind...BLEACH!

..i've got up today and i am aching head to toe. I've got random bruises all over. OUCH! Yesterday i went to County Court to do some "stuff". I was locked in a room for an hour while my mother waited outside in the car. After that we went to B & Q and i picked up all the paint needed (hopefully i got enough) to do my house. It only cost £100, which i think is quite good. Came home and had a lovely night with my gorgeous boyfriend.

“What are you telling yourself?” Positive self-talk is not about telling yourself that bad things in your life don’t exist or have not happened. It’s not about telling yourself life will be easy if you think the right thoughts. Self-talk is about self-awareness and recognizing how your thoughts affect how you feel and ultimately what you accomplish. Your thoughts are your self-talk. And, they directly affect the way you feel. Since your feelings dictate your actions, it’s important to take notice of the chain of thoughts and events in your life. This newfound awareness holds the key to making the changes you crave come to pass.

Fucking hell. I only went and fell downstairs, top to bottom. My dog was lying on the top step, i have no landing light so i didn't see her. I went clean down, bending my arm and hand right back. Turns out, no major damage, just a bruised thumb bone :) I was in AGONY though...bloody dog. I think she hates me!!! It took FIVE frigging hours to tell me that....i ♥ A & E.

“Change is necessary to live a life with few regrets.” You only live once. And, it doesn’t hurt to think of this, from time to time. The worst thing would be to look back on your life, wishing you could have been happier or done more. Don’t let that happen! Now is the time to take a good look at your life and make changes so that you have no regrets. We all know time flies. Days, weeks, months, and years slip away. Don’t let them pass you by. Make the necessary changes that bring happy, joyful memories, so you can look back with no regrets. I LOVE THIS.

...prepare to be astounded!! Left my house at 9.30am. Went to B & Q to pick up paint samples ready for my house to be redecorated. Then onto Pets at home to get Bluebells food. From there we went to the electrical shop to get hover bags. Went the wrong way, had to do a full circle to get back. After that i went to my boyfriends house where we cleaned, tidied and cleaned some more. He was going to rehang his gate and realised we needed new brackets, so back up to B & Q. Came back to his house...did some more tidying, ate food, drank tea....done. On the way home we stopped off in SAINSBURYS (YES, EMMA, I DID IT TODAY!!!!), did some food shopping...and now i am home. I had one TEENY moment of anxiety in Sainsburys car park as we were leaving (weirdly enough), but apart from that - WOOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOOOOOO!!! FIVE hours i was out today...FIVE FUCKING HOURS! Get me people :) This is what being "normal" feels like.

On my Saturday. Lovely day today. Went shopping with my mother and i was bought a wee treat. My very first pair of dark blue skinny jeans and some little ankle boots to wear with them. Its a look i really like, but what is hotter, are the jeans with my 5 inch black heels. Let me tell you, my boyfriend REALLY appreciated it!!!! I was cooked the most amazing dinner of grilled tuna with a lovely green rocket salad. Gorgeous, in fact, my boyfriend is bloody amazing, i am such a lucky girl. He makes me feel so special every day, and i thank God that we split up for those 10 days, because it has done us the world of good.... :)

My boyfriend is a hairdresser, i don't know if i had mentioned it before. He speaks to many, many people, every single day... and much to my horror...he likes to talk about me...and my illness . NOT in bad way, just because he's Mr Chatty- Chatterson . I just got off the phone to him and he's currently in the middle of colouring an ex girlfriends hair. He was talking about me and it turns out that she also suffers from panic attacks stemming from a car crash and so does her husband, who has stress related panic. Before he was with me, panic attacks, mental health never entered his head, but since being with me..he's eyes have been opened. He said that he can't believe that SO many people who he "does" either have some form of mental health problem themselves...or know of someone who does. Panic (to me personally) is really embarrassing, not only because people don't understand why...and neither did my boyfriend until 4 months ago, but i HATE trying to

...Tired with a very bad headache :(

.. SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IS HAPPENING!!!! Very excited and very, very busy! I have a deadline to decorate my house within the next 3 weeks :o Bloody 'ell people... ...it's all go in Sarah's house :) Today i am going to pop and see if i can find some lino for my bathroom....and maybe to B & Q tomorrow...i have ALL day. I've got to FUCK agoraphobia and get my arse into gear otherwise none of this will be possible!!!

Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t dump you. Love doesn’t harbor ill will or bad feelings. Love doesn’t ask anything of you. Love is as calm as a still pond and love is a warm, warm blanket.

What have i done today? I went to my boyfriends house and.....got stuck there! I was there for 3 hours..but started to get proper anxious when i thought about coming home. Strange, since i would have been going towards my house. So...i got drunk...and more anxious, resulting in my mother having to pick me up! Oh well...i don't care, because i was still out of my house for a very long time....PLUS...with the added enjoyment of speak to Miss Emma while i was there :) LOVE YOU EMMA ♥ I just took this rather amazing picture of our "pet" spider Goliath. He's been residing in my honeysuckle for about 6 weeks now. We feed him the odd daddy long legs..just in case he's not getting enough food. Here is our pet, with lunch :) ..a pretty good picture if i do say so myself. Hope you all have a lovely evening, i am sure i'll be sleeping well tonight :)

I lasted about 45 minutes before i had a panic attack, but I DON'T CARE...because i A) GOT THERE B) LASTED 45 MINUTES C) SURVIVED A PANIC ATTACK :) Happy days people!!!

As we all know, i have suffered with bad skin for years and years....and some more years. Approximately 20. Since July i have been using an antibiotic solution called Zineryt. It is AMAZING. My skin (although still covered in scars) is acne free and has been since i started using it. I use it religiously on my face...not so much on my chest and i am still getting the odd spot there...but as long as my face is clear...i'm a happy girl.

So, yes, we ALL know i am nuts. This afternoon my boyfriend got his outfit...and OMG ...he looked bloody amazing. Black slim fit trousers and a white with grey pinstripe shirt. Absolutely gorgeous. I am going to be SOOOO proud to be his girlfriend. That made me hate my dress even more...so i bought TWO more. Yes people, send me to the loony bin right now!!! In the pictures you see all 4 possible dresses i could wear and the two on their own are the newest ones i got today. I REALLY like the grey one, because i think with his outfit it would look really nice together. WHICH DRESS!???? UPDATE.... The first black one and the grey dress went down VERY well with my boyfriend! I will defo keep the right hand side black one because worn with thick black tights and ankle boots will look lovely....And either way i will keep the grey one, just because its gorgeous. For a girl who had NO dresses, i now have 4! Things are looking up in the Mr/Miss Sarah household :)

DRESS - River Island £24.99 (bargin)...NECKLACE - Miss Selfridge £12.00 SHOES - Faith £65.00 HANDBAG - Faith £30.00

..from now until Christmas i have a lot on. From medical appointments to parties and then 7 birthdays thrown into the mix. It's going to be an expensive time...oh yeah..not forgetting i need to buy Christmas presents too!!! OUR (being me and my boyfriends) first 'Official' engagement is happening on the 10 th October. I've been invited to a Wedding/Reception...and i am more than excited that we're going together. Today i am hunting for the perfect LBD (little black dress) and i was thinking of teaming it with colourful heels and clutch, just so it doesn't look like i am going to a funeral !!! I've got exactly ONE day for find said dress....and that being today. I am way too busy...so i have onc chance and that scares me slightly! I have to exercise now :(

There were so many signs today for me to ignore. Firstly my star sign which said - The hard choices you're making today are going to push your life in a new direction , then i found a white feather (and i know this one is a strange one), but there were two pigeons on my fence...and that is ALWAYS a sign. I NEVER have pigeons on my fence. The plan was for me to go to my boyfriends house, without my mother following. 11.30am came and i was getting nervous, but i knew this was something that i HAD to do if i wanted anything to change. For me to be able to drive in the car with him would open up my world so much. Long story short...i got there. I was there while he showered and ate lunch. From there i went to Argos to pick something up and then down to my best friends house, she is moving soon and this would be the last time i would go there. We sat, drank tea, looked through old pictures...and most of all, my boyfriend got to meet my best friend... They got on really well...she real