Yearly visit from my father..
...to wrap it up - pointless.
Mum and dad separated when i was four. Mum left him because he was never around, always at work, in the pub, playing rugby/watching rugby...so she made the decision which was right for her at the time and went.
Anyway..my issues are these. My father moved to the other end of the country where he had two children with his new wife. They are now 27 and 28 years old. He has NEVER made any effort with ME...just me. My sister is a total different matter, he calls her twice weekly, speaks to her children, she is able to visit him whereas i can't - they met up in London earlier this year for a day out...i obviously wasn't involved. However, we are under an hour from London, so he COULD have driven that little bit further to come and see his agoraphobic daughter. This year i have received TWO phone calls on the 8th/9th July, but that was because he'd forgotten my birthday...and i have seen him the once, which was yesterday.
What i can't understand, is knowing the situtation with me, why would he not make the effort? I feel like i am the let down of his children. I've not achieved what the other three have. Brother = Runs a chain of well known camp sites in Italy, Sister = Primary school teacher, went to uni and my elder sister = Happily married, 3 children, nice house, husband with very good job.......and then there is me - TWICE divorced, no job, single mum, never done anything with my life.
When my mother has asked him why he's not bothered with me, his response is "I have done my best"...WHICH IS BULLSHIT!!!! Jeremy Kyle would have something to say about that, i'm sure.
He came to my house and it was really uncomforable, it is living having a stranger there...i didn't know what to say...he spoke to my son most of all...i got about 3 minutes of conversation out of him and then my sister called and he left to see her, although he was STAYING with her the night!!!!!
I dunno...it's a bit shit really.
What i *think* i get upset about, is that i have always wanted to have a child within a unit, with mum and dad living together, i wanted to give a child the life that i never had...and i have even fucked that up. That hurts.
Mum and dad separated when i was four. Mum left him because he was never around, always at work, in the pub, playing rugby/watching rugby...so she made the decision which was right for her at the time and went.
Anyway..my issues are these. My father moved to the other end of the country where he had two children with his new wife. They are now 27 and 28 years old. He has NEVER made any effort with ME...just me. My sister is a total different matter, he calls her twice weekly, speaks to her children, she is able to visit him whereas i can't - they met up in London earlier this year for a day out...i obviously wasn't involved. However, we are under an hour from London, so he COULD have driven that little bit further to come and see his agoraphobic daughter. This year i have received TWO phone calls on the 8th/9th July, but that was because he'd forgotten my birthday...and i have seen him the once, which was yesterday.
What i can't understand, is knowing the situtation with me, why would he not make the effort? I feel like i am the let down of his children. I've not achieved what the other three have. Brother = Runs a chain of well known camp sites in Italy, Sister = Primary school teacher, went to uni and my elder sister = Happily married, 3 children, nice house, husband with very good job.......and then there is me - TWICE divorced, no job, single mum, never done anything with my life.
When my mother has asked him why he's not bothered with me, his response is "I have done my best"...WHICH IS BULLSHIT!!!! Jeremy Kyle would have something to say about that, i'm sure.
He came to my house and it was really uncomforable, it is living having a stranger there...i didn't know what to say...he spoke to my son most of all...i got about 3 minutes of conversation out of him and then my sister called and he left to see her, although he was STAYING with her the night!!!!!
I dunno...it's a bit shit really.
What i *think* i get upset about, is that i have always wanted to have a child within a unit, with mum and dad living together, i wanted to give a child the life that i never had...and i have even fucked that up. That hurts.
Comments
What I would say is you shouldnt feel you have to compare yourself to your brothers and sisters, do you really think he doesnt make this effort because you dont have a fancy job, are divorced etc? I know 100% I wouldnt see my son in a different light if he was poorly and not working, or his marriage didnt work out, hes my son and I'll always love him no matter what.. The same as youll always love yours. If he really looks at you differently because you dont have the same as your siblings that what sort of a person does that make him. Besides, you have a lovely son, a fella who loves you, a house you recently decorated, plus youre making your own achievements in life. I think its your Dads fault hes not making as much effort with you as his is with your sister. Maybe just come out and ask him yourself, ask him what his reasons are for that? In the meantime try not to let him get you down xx.
He's a really lazy father isn't he? Seems he's making no effort unless as your sister does, she goes to him doing all the work. All I can say is that he's missing out big time. Parental love is supposed to be unconditional. You are a successful mother bringing up a beautiful well mannered boy who makes you proud. What a pity his grandad has chosen to miss out on that. Nikki makes her point best, it's perhaps time to tell him how you feel because it seems you have little to lose by asking. It just might prick his conscience. Ask him to call again after he's finished with your sister? Otherwise this resentment will only end up being bottled up hurting you, and you deserve much better than that beautiful lady xxx
Your father obviously cares for you less than for your siblings. Fact. And there's less than a 1% chance that this will ever change - and you will not be able to change it. So live with it. You'll only stop being disappointed with your father when you stop expecting more from him than he's going to give.
Why does your father not care for you? You might never find out. He might not even know this himself! So there's no point wondering why, or guessing the reason. Truth is - THERE IS NO VALID REASON. What he's doing to you is against the laws of nature. Wondering why he's like this only prolongs your misery.
Would he care for you if you were a better person? NO, NO, NO. You already are a good person! Being rich/successful/educated/beautiful will not make you a better or more lovable person! He is the person at fault here - not you!!! So get on with your life - without him!
I think that it is good that your son sees his grandfather while he's young. Otherwise he'll always wonder what sort of man he was. Tell him the truth about your relationship with your dad and when he gets older let your son make up his own mind about whether he's worth the effort of seeing.
I know a lot about this topic because my oldest daughter's mother behaves towards her exactly how your father behaves towards you. My daughter (Carla) is a brilliant person, so it's definitely not her fault. Over the years, Carla has learned not to expect anything from her mother. When she gets birthday or Christmas cards, she is pleasantly surprised...but doesn't expect this to happen every year! She is nice to her mother when she (very occasionally) visits, but doesn't expect her to come back any time soon. Carla is still sad that her mother doesn't make more of an effort with her - and there's a gap in her life where a mother should be - but she's learned to live with it. She now concentrates on looking after the people who really matter to her and her children.
Don't waste time or emotional energy on your father - he's not worth it!