It would appear..
..that i am depressed - again.
It's that feeling i have every year, getting closer to Christmas. I am fed up and feeling really miserable. What is different, is that i'm scared this time.
I know this is a trivial thing, but i always keep the downstairs light on for Stinky, it's enough, in fact it's plenty. There is no need for him to have his bedroom light on, at all. I have told him this SO many times and plus, because he has a dimmer switch in his room, i can't use an energy saving bulb, it has to be the regular kind. I get up this morning at 6am to pee and he's got his light on. I AM FUMING. Something inside me just snapped. Perhaps it's because i have told on COUNTLESS occasions NOT TO PUT THE LIGHT ON, YOU DON'T NEED IT!!!! A little bit later, i go and wake him up and just let rip (NO SMACKING - NOT MY STYLE). I really shout and i am crying too. His room looked like a shit hole, there is crap all over ever surface. His room is tiny, so if there is stuff out, then it looks awful. I shout at him about the light, then i shout at him to clean up his room....he looked worried, i don't think i have ever been that angry/upset and crying at him before. HE KNOWS i am pissed off.
I am so frustrated, frustrated with all aspects of my life. I hate my life, its fucking terrible.
I am DREADING Christmas. I am being forced into spending it at my sisters. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING GO! I am being blackmailed into it. "Oh Princess (my niece) really really wants you to come - she loves you"...but being sat at a table with 3 adults that think so badly of me and for this one day PRETENDING that they like me, i just can't do it. I don't do fakery. The thought of it, is making me cry...i just can't bare it.
I saw pictures of my boyfriend at his works party, and he had his photo taken with a girl who he works with. They looked so good together, really suited each other. She's pretty, fresh faced, got great boobs (and wasn't shy about having them on FULL display), and i'm just not that. Sometimes i sit and think that perhaps being in a relationship isn't the best thing for me at the moment. I am in such a dark place most of the time and i haven't got anything to offer...there are no benefits of being with a person like me. I bring no positives into anyones life. I'm just a fucking mess.
It's that feeling i have every year, getting closer to Christmas. I am fed up and feeling really miserable. What is different, is that i'm scared this time.
I know this is a trivial thing, but i always keep the downstairs light on for Stinky, it's enough, in fact it's plenty. There is no need for him to have his bedroom light on, at all. I have told him this SO many times and plus, because he has a dimmer switch in his room, i can't use an energy saving bulb, it has to be the regular kind. I get up this morning at 6am to pee and he's got his light on. I AM FUMING. Something inside me just snapped. Perhaps it's because i have told on COUNTLESS occasions NOT TO PUT THE LIGHT ON, YOU DON'T NEED IT!!!! A little bit later, i go and wake him up and just let rip (NO SMACKING - NOT MY STYLE). I really shout and i am crying too. His room looked like a shit hole, there is crap all over ever surface. His room is tiny, so if there is stuff out, then it looks awful. I shout at him about the light, then i shout at him to clean up his room....he looked worried, i don't think i have ever been that angry/upset and crying at him before. HE KNOWS i am pissed off.
I am so frustrated, frustrated with all aspects of my life. I hate my life, its fucking terrible.
I am DREADING Christmas. I am being forced into spending it at my sisters. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING GO! I am being blackmailed into it. "Oh Princess (my niece) really really wants you to come - she loves you"...but being sat at a table with 3 adults that think so badly of me and for this one day PRETENDING that they like me, i just can't do it. I don't do fakery. The thought of it, is making me cry...i just can't bare it.
I saw pictures of my boyfriend at his works party, and he had his photo taken with a girl who he works with. They looked so good together, really suited each other. She's pretty, fresh faced, got great boobs (and wasn't shy about having them on FULL display), and i'm just not that. Sometimes i sit and think that perhaps being in a relationship isn't the best thing for me at the moment. I am in such a dark place most of the time and i haven't got anything to offer...there are no benefits of being with a person like me. I bring no positives into anyones life. I'm just a fucking mess.
Comments
You've got love to offer - the most powerful gift in the world. And there's not enough of it around.
Best wishes.
Whats wrong with you!! Youre lovely and I hate the way you put yourself down, and if Im 100% honest (Which could get me into trouble), I think your bf is lucky to have you, Ive seen you together and you look lovely!
Yes you have issues, who doesnt.. Im sure boob woman has hers, shes probably just good at covering them up, afterall, who would have their piccy taken whilst crying about their phobias, problems, debts or anything really.
If you dont want to go to your sisters, dont, maybe go for a few hours, tell them youve been asked to your bf's family or something? I hate the way we feel like we must do stuff this time of the yr, I feel the same, Im so anxious about next week its untrue, my stomach is aching, Ive been losing sleep for weeks.. its horrible.
Youre a lovely lady, enough of the put downs xx.
You are putting so much pressure on yourself to please everyone else.
If your b/f wanted the boob girl, he would have chosen her, but he didn't - he chose you!!
Have a happy Christmas the way you want to.