BEING SARAH.......

So, i am feeling fed up today. I am NOT accepting what is going on with me is purely anxiety. I won't and why should i? The buzzing and vibrating is doing my frigging head in, literally. I woke up this morning (as i do every morning) with horrible internal vibrations, and even worse in my head. My whole head was just buzzing....it's quite scary, but i don't know if its the medication or not, but i am not obsessing over it, i am just 'dealing' with it, but i am not going to risk my health for the fear that the doctors will think i am crazy. My leg/foot is constant too.... So, i took 2 x 2mg diazepam, 'cause that'd get rid of any anxiety that i have.... and guess what, it did NOTHING!!!! My face still feels weird and my lips still feel like they are burning... Whatever............... :(

...Off to the Colpscopy clinic for my 6 monthly check-up............ Whoop whoop!!!!!!!!!!

Wowzers, i am back to being 'me' (that's me BEFORE the depression set in and before i went NUTSO.....). I am feeling so much better. I'm still agoraphobic/panicky/anxious (yawn) but i am feeling more normal which i think is fan-tas-tic after only 11 days. High 5 to Cipralex!!!!

...Windows are all open, letting the beautiful 'spring' breeze through my house... IF only it wasn't so wet out, i'm guessing from rain in the night, i would be in the garden right now doing more stuff... It honestly is a 'no coat needed' day.

Sitting in the Honda garage waiting for my mothers car to be serviced. Only been here an hour, got another hour left..... So bored! Feel like crap today. Jaw is hurting like hell on the right side.... My tongue still feels odd and I'm still fucking buzzing, ALL OVER!!! I hate this, 'THIS' is NOT normal. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I got my backside moving today. I cut the grass and weeded... First time i've been proactive for a while, so that HAS to be a good thing, right? However... my legs STILL feels weak and buzzy, this cannot be anxiety, i am on anxiety medication... I'm slightly pissed off about this. I don't want to start getting scared about this now.....................

The new sofa... fits perfectly!!! :)

CIPRALEX AND ME . I'm keeping a diary of exactly how i feel, when i feel it... Today, as you'll be able to see has NOT been a good day..... Just taken tablet No. 4 and it was touch and go whether i was going to pop it or not, but then i read a lot of positive feedback on the medication and it made me feel better. I am AWARE that the first 2 weeks are going to be rough and i'm just going to have to deal with it.... The headache and all the other sidies are not fun today :(

My results:- I AM MENTAL... WTF?? This is a serious statement now. I have NEVER in my life felt so bad. Never have 'anxiety' symptoms seemed so real. This has scared the shit out of me to think that anxiety can do this to a person. Does part of me believe the results are wrong, yes... of course... but that is why i have started medication now. Cipralex. Started on 5mg last night. This morning i am even MORE tired.... the right side of my face feels numb and i have pains in my back and jaw. Not a good start, but i have to stick with it. Holy shit.............................

I've been there, i think my family can safely say i have had one. I am not even kidding. The stress i have been under. I have literally scratched my skin off, i have been drinking stupidly. I am eating/drinking 'build-up' drinks to gain weight because even *I* can see it's come off me and it's not been an intentional thing, and i hate it. There's been a massive fuck up at the surgery. I have been waiting for my results since last week and apparently the doctors have had them, SINCE LAST WEEK!!!! I was in there yesterday sobbing, my mum crying and they said they weren't there... Idiots. I am now just going down there to get them, i am scared shitless....

I don't give a crap what people think about me, i am having a hard enough time without ANONYMOUS comments telling me what i am eating is 'unhealthy'.... at least i was eating. I think my mum will agree with that and i know she reads now... HELLO MUMMY!!!! :) So from now on, no more anonymous comments, can't be arsed with them, i have enough to deal with. I have tried so hard today NOT to think about how bad i feel and then this shit. NOT necessary.

jazz, brandy and coke, Hawaiian Pizza, Sex and the City, bubble baths and candles..... ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!

The stress is getting to me. I am desperate to feed myself, to keep myself healthy, but i just can't. My body doesn't want food and just the thought of eating right now is making me want to be physically sick. I FORCED a tiny bit of dinner down my mouth but it was awful...i really thought i was going to be sick. This is NOT good. I am getting fed up with this now. Still constantly scanning my body for irregular chances, driving myself MORE mad than i already am.

...hurt. Not fun. I have no idea what the results are yet, still waiting, which in turn is driving me mad...... I cry every 5-10 minutes. I just don't know what to do. I am terrified. I am analysing in my head the results and the fact that he didn't need to do my weak arm because he'd "Seen enough already".... that quote is messing me up. IF.. i could just stop this internal buzzing/vibration feelings for 10 minutes, it would be great. I can't sleep because it wakes me.... It's the most unnerving feeling - ever.

I have had a cancellation for an EMG - FOR TOMORROW!!!!! Scared and happy all at the same time!!

I really and truly believe i am. I'm struggling to do anything today without a tremor or a twitch. My tongue is barely moving, it's STILL in agony and of course 'burning tongue' is just yet another symptom of the onset of Bublar ALS which i have to say, is the worst and most rapid type to have. About an inch from the tip of my chin back toward my throat hurts so bad too.... I am not testing my hands or legs today, i can feel them buzzing - buzzing through my whole body. My tongue AT REST is definitely fasculating/tremoring and it's not smooth and flat, it's fatter one side than it is the other (ATROPHY). I'm a dead women.

Fingers on right hand aren't working. Pinky and ring finger are not doing what they are meant to do..... I am fucked.

I have accepted i am dying. It's ALS. Another hideous autoimmune disease. What CONFIRMED it for me today was that i was experiencing (and have been for ages now), severe weakness, internal vibrations and twitches in my body, especially my legs - so i finally gave up and took a diazepam to make it go away, because it WOULD if i was ONLY experiencing 'anxiety'..... and low and behold, the symptoms remained, all fucking day long. When i stand on my legs they are so very weak, they shake, i have NO strength in the any more...not only that, right now even with no weight on them, the vibrations are terrible and the twitching - the same. This is all to do with the nerves responding to the muscle dying. I have tingling in my right foot when i touch the top of it which runs down into my numb little toe and 4th toe. My ulnar nerve also right side is so sensitive and i have no strength in my little finger what-so-ever. I can barely get a sentence out without slurring e