Stressed.
No. 1 - It's 11.30pm and my neighbour has her washing machine going. It has been on since...oh...8.30 (multiple loads me thinks), anyway...her kitchen is DIRECTLY UNDER MY FRIGGING BEDROOM - meaning - my bed is shaking from the fucking machine spin, and to be honest, it sounds like shit and that its just about to break. CHOOSE YOUR WASH TIMES BETTER! And no, she isn't on economy 7 either!!!!!!! It is getting on my nerves now.
No. 2 - STRESSED (hence title). I have just spent the last hour and something minutes with my boyfriend telling me about i am not pushing myself. Don't get me wrong, its definitely not in the same was as my arsehole ex use to do it, because there is no, "I will finish with you if you don't do this/do that." He was saying, which i do agree with, that i don't push myself enough and that i am too lazy when it comes to doing exactly that. And yes he is right. I recently left a comment on Roberts blog and like i have said a gazillion times before on here, the fear of panic is greater than my desire (at times) to get well. Oh yeah...i would LOVE a normal life, if i could wave a magic wand and bypass all the bollocks that we have to go through to get there i wouldn't frigging hesitate.
What he can't understand is that how can i do all what i do with my mother, but not with him. He asked me "What can my mother do, that he can't". I really struggled to answer, all i came up with is that mum has been through it with me for longer and that she can help me when i feel panicky. Then he said "Why can't i do that, in fact, i CAN do that." I don't know if its still the fear of embarrassing myself in front of him, or acting like a loon...i don't know, but there is something that is holding me back from letting completely go. He said to me (which made me feel immensely under pressure and i HATE that), we should go out for dinner on Monday, because in 5 months he's asked nothing of me, and that is what he would really like me to do. Instantly i felt overwhelmed. Sitting eating a meal...is scary shit. What i explained to him is that most of the time when i go out i feel anxious, meaning i feel sick, so really that LAST thing i want to do is eat...but he didn't really understand that. He also said that i never suggest to do anything and i replied, that must be because i don't want to! But that was a response he didn't want to hear...I KNOW i must push myself harder - that is the story of most agoraphobics' lives. I told him that a panic attack must feel quite bad for it to have such a dramatic effect on my life, after all - a tickle on the chin would create such havoc now, would it????
I understand what he is saying. I do need to push myself, but i am scared and i am a baby....what can i do?
Yesterday (and this is what makes me think i am fighting a losing battle), i was upstairs in Tesco standing with my mother and suddenly, like she does, she vanished. I fucking hate that. I was calling her, Stinky was calling her, but no answer. I was getting more and more panicky because we were a fair distance from the car. I felt panic rising i didn't know what to do, it felt like an eternity. Stink kept disapearing too and that pissed me off. I called again and again, and still nothing. I was pacing like an idiot...then, i found her. I was SO mad. Why does she do that?? She's knows i hate it when i don't know where she is. I was about 3 seconds from fall blown, puking meltdown. Thing is, as soon as i found her - panic went. No where to be felt. I hate this shit.
Dear God, Please guide to get well...i am tired of living a life shrouded in panic misery, scared to do every day things, scared to live like i am meant to be living, this is NO life...Please help me. Give me the strength to fight this hell..i do not deserve to be like this anymore, 11 1/2 years of my time is plenty. Amen.
No. 2 - STRESSED (hence title). I have just spent the last hour and something minutes with my boyfriend telling me about i am not pushing myself. Don't get me wrong, its definitely not in the same was as my arsehole ex use to do it, because there is no, "I will finish with you if you don't do this/do that." He was saying, which i do agree with, that i don't push myself enough and that i am too lazy when it comes to doing exactly that. And yes he is right. I recently left a comment on Roberts blog and like i have said a gazillion times before on here, the fear of panic is greater than my desire (at times) to get well. Oh yeah...i would LOVE a normal life, if i could wave a magic wand and bypass all the bollocks that we have to go through to get there i wouldn't frigging hesitate.
What he can't understand is that how can i do all what i do with my mother, but not with him. He asked me "What can my mother do, that he can't". I really struggled to answer, all i came up with is that mum has been through it with me for longer and that she can help me when i feel panicky. Then he said "Why can't i do that, in fact, i CAN do that." I don't know if its still the fear of embarrassing myself in front of him, or acting like a loon...i don't know, but there is something that is holding me back from letting completely go. He said to me (which made me feel immensely under pressure and i HATE that), we should go out for dinner on Monday, because in 5 months he's asked nothing of me, and that is what he would really like me to do. Instantly i felt overwhelmed. Sitting eating a meal...is scary shit. What i explained to him is that most of the time when i go out i feel anxious, meaning i feel sick, so really that LAST thing i want to do is eat...but he didn't really understand that. He also said that i never suggest to do anything and i replied, that must be because i don't want to! But that was a response he didn't want to hear...I KNOW i must push myself harder - that is the story of most agoraphobics' lives. I told him that a panic attack must feel quite bad for it to have such a dramatic effect on my life, after all - a tickle on the chin would create such havoc now, would it????
I understand what he is saying. I do need to push myself, but i am scared and i am a baby....what can i do?
Yesterday (and this is what makes me think i am fighting a losing battle), i was upstairs in Tesco standing with my mother and suddenly, like she does, she vanished. I fucking hate that. I was calling her, Stinky was calling her, but no answer. I was getting more and more panicky because we were a fair distance from the car. I felt panic rising i didn't know what to do, it felt like an eternity. Stink kept disapearing too and that pissed me off. I called again and again, and still nothing. I was pacing like an idiot...then, i found her. I was SO mad. Why does she do that?? She's knows i hate it when i don't know where she is. I was about 3 seconds from fall blown, puking meltdown. Thing is, as soon as i found her - panic went. No where to be felt. I hate this shit.
Dear God, Please guide to get well...i am tired of living a life shrouded in panic misery, scared to do every day things, scared to live like i am meant to be living, this is NO life...Please help me. Give me the strength to fight this hell..i do not deserve to be like this anymore, 11 1/2 years of my time is plenty. Amen.
Comments
I can understand both where your bloke is coming from and where you're coming from. He doesn't yet know the whole agoraphobia/emetophobia thing & how it has taken over your life and you haven't had enough time to totally trust him. I hope that he will be patient. I'm sure that you'll both settle in after a while.
Here's a suggestion. What about setting up a "let's expand Sarah's safe area" programme - with your fella's help? Involve him with the setting up and get him to help you to work through the programme. Doing it together should a) help you: b) show him that you're trying c) let him see how hard it is to change and d) make him feel more involved in your life.
Well, it's just a suggestion...
Best wishes.
That is what i have said to him. Because he feels he's the one that always has to suggest stuff and i feel bad when i don't accept his offers. While talking to him he said to me that he will do ANYTHING i want him to do..which is bloody awesome. However, i said instead of him suggesting, let me do it. I told him that we should sit down and basically devise a plan to the road to recovery. It HAS to start somewhere and putting me in a "Meal for 2" situation, isn't going to work, right now...in the future, absolutely, but i need to work up to that.
x
Sometimes I get the same from my other half 'lets do this..' and it will be something pretty major to me, to him its nothing, which is obv why they struggle to understand why its such a big deal.
I think sometimes we surprise ppl, we have a good day and do something we cant normally do and then they think we're cured, or at the least a lot better than we perhaps are.
My other half suggests things that sometimes Id be ok with, but somehow because its a plan it fills me with dread, an instant sinking dread.. its like its out there written in stone and it feels horrible, like doomsday(!), but if I woke up that morning and chose to do it it might not feel as bad. Perhaps its about the control thing again.
Just tell him it'll take time. It took me AGES to tell my fiance what was going on, and it was an even longer time before I went anywhere with him too, oddly I felt better going places alone, I felt if I were going to make a numpty of myself then Id rather do it alone, out of his sight! Now I feel Id rather have him there every time I go places (probably not the greatest way to be either.. but Im working on it).
A plan sounds good, Ive got to work on mine too.. I said Id do it days ago, and have I? Nope :-/
Good luck xx.
I got a text from him a wee while ago apologising for being a grouch. He knows he went too far last night, but i can't stress enough, at no point was he being mean.
One thing he said that really annoyed me was "It's not as if i am asking you to go to a concert and stand in the middle of thousands of people" - but to me, he may as well have, the fear is still the same whether its 2 minutes down the road or an hour. Do you feel the same?
Hope you're okay today sweetness...and btw...you are frigging gorgeous, you have absolutely nothing to worry about how you look. Make-up, i don't wear make up ever...mascara and lippy gloss is the extent of what i wear. Can't be arsed, anyway, i look like a clown when i try to apply anything more :)
Get straight onto that list.
xxx
x
I reckon you're right when you say you're too afraid of embarrassing yourself in front of him. It will change over time I'm certain, when you've got to the stage of being 100% at ease with him. It's still a young relationship and you're keen to impress him, so panic is not on the to do list for you at the moment.
I also feel that fear of panic is greater than the desire to overcome it. It's just so habitual, so massive. Think of doing anything and I see myself having a melt down every time. My will to attempt anything with that frame of mind is zero. I suppose you have to get into the mind set of visualising yourself relaxed and having a good time?
You're making steps though Sarah! I think you are fabulous. You WILL get over this x x x