It's like this.
Now at the grand age of 35, two failed marriages behind me, a son of eleven and being in a relationship that's on the road to nowhere, there are some hard hitting decisions that have GOT to be made whether i want to or not.
I need to reevaluate exactly what i want and if it's at all possible to achieve. There are some things that i know are never going to happen, not as my situation like it is, and yes i am a little sad about that - but more to the point, i need to feel secure on a daily basis, and i sometimes don't feel it. I don't know if it's down to me and hating myself, never feeling good enough, or something completely different, but it needs to be addressed, in my own head. I can't be that girl, waiting for the end....i did that for 7 years with my ex and it destroyed me. Nightmares every night, which always ended in the same scenario, him leaving me for another women, and low and behold my dreams/nightmares DID turn into reality. I've started having those same nightmares again :(
In the back of my mind, because i know my fella isn't a *keeper* (he's never going to be mine), i feel that i am wasting my and his time by hanging around. Don't get me wrong, i love him so much, he cares for me, he is amazing for what he's done to help me...BUT...it's just not perfect. And i am Sarah, i WANT perfect (well, as close as possible). Am i wrong for desiring a relationship that is 50/50? Am i wrong for wanting to know that on days off, when my partner wants *me* time and i call to talk/have a chat - it WILL be welcome rather than feeling like i am committing a heinous crime. I want to know that my partner is there for me at ALL times. I have no problem with him going out with his mates, not in the slightest, but the fact that he's quite secretive and if i ask him what he's done on a *me* time day off, he thinks i am intruding. What is that all about? He says "So many questions." The other day, i asked TWO. Whether or not he played my boys DS and another which was not in the slightest prying, but he made something out of me asking. Now, where i come from, it's not wrong to ask fucking questions. It's not as if i am going through his mobile to check up on him in secret. If he asked me what i had been doing, i'd have no issue with responding.
So, today i am being less than receptive toward him, i am fully aware of my behaviour, i need to make some sense of this, i have to for my own sanity. I cannot carry on feeling like this, it will make me sick again. I've been the most anxious today for a long time, and i don't like it. I have no intentions of being that person that i was little over a year ago. I want things for me. I want to start thinking about myself for once. I am complying by HIS rules and as i do, i obey.
My blog has been a little thin on responses for a couple of days, but i am asking for opinions. I need to get my life in order.
I need to reevaluate exactly what i want and if it's at all possible to achieve. There are some things that i know are never going to happen, not as my situation like it is, and yes i am a little sad about that - but more to the point, i need to feel secure on a daily basis, and i sometimes don't feel it. I don't know if it's down to me and hating myself, never feeling good enough, or something completely different, but it needs to be addressed, in my own head. I can't be that girl, waiting for the end....i did that for 7 years with my ex and it destroyed me. Nightmares every night, which always ended in the same scenario, him leaving me for another women, and low and behold my dreams/nightmares DID turn into reality. I've started having those same nightmares again :(
In the back of my mind, because i know my fella isn't a *keeper* (he's never going to be mine), i feel that i am wasting my and his time by hanging around. Don't get me wrong, i love him so much, he cares for me, he is amazing for what he's done to help me...BUT...it's just not perfect. And i am Sarah, i WANT perfect (well, as close as possible). Am i wrong for desiring a relationship that is 50/50? Am i wrong for wanting to know that on days off, when my partner wants *me* time and i call to talk/have a chat - it WILL be welcome rather than feeling like i am committing a heinous crime. I want to know that my partner is there for me at ALL times. I have no problem with him going out with his mates, not in the slightest, but the fact that he's quite secretive and if i ask him what he's done on a *me* time day off, he thinks i am intruding. What is that all about? He says "So many questions." The other day, i asked TWO. Whether or not he played my boys DS and another which was not in the slightest prying, but he made something out of me asking. Now, where i come from, it's not wrong to ask fucking questions. It's not as if i am going through his mobile to check up on him in secret. If he asked me what i had been doing, i'd have no issue with responding.
So, today i am being less than receptive toward him, i am fully aware of my behaviour, i need to make some sense of this, i have to for my own sanity. I cannot carry on feeling like this, it will make me sick again. I've been the most anxious today for a long time, and i don't like it. I have no intentions of being that person that i was little over a year ago. I want things for me. I want to start thinking about myself for once. I am complying by HIS rules and as i do, i obey.
My blog has been a little thin on responses for a couple of days, but i am asking for opinions. I need to get my life in order.
Comments
but if my fella was secretive then i wouldnt stand for that as i dont like lies or sneaking around as i think anxiety/depression is gonna make me more paranoid too and have a jelous streak.
i feel lost in my life at the mo so i feel much the same as you do,i always feel guilty that i'm letting people down all the time etc cos i cant go places.i do not even have kids yet and i'm 32 in jan but do really really want to have a baby but just worried how i'd cope,ive got my fella but nobody else ;0(
so please dont feel alone,i would have a chat to him though and tell him how ur feeling cos u seem like a lovely couple x♥x
Sometimes it's hard to know what to say. Have been reading if not commenting. Since you've been with your boyfriend you have really made massive progress regarding going out and having some fun too. After everything you've been through it's not surprising that you feel insecure. I just don't know, when you 'feel' something isn't quite right it can be unsettling. I DO know what you mean.
I'd think that a partnership would be 50/50 and that you'd want to share everything, but then, not everyone thinks the same as we do and they like to stay independent and have a relationship. Men can be secretive buggers at times, and that can only cause suspicions and worry. What I do know is that you are a very instinctive person and you are also sensible, wise, and mature in your thinking. You are a strong independent woman and what matters here is that you feel good about things, and I don't think you're wanting perfection, just that this is niggling away at you. The best option I guess is to talk to him and be frank about how you feel.
That was probably rubbish advice but I empathise with you feeling all mixed up. That's pretty much me on a daily basis. What do you want? A beautiful secure committed relationship with a future maybe? Nothing wrong in wanting that?
xxx
I hate leaving advice on blogs. I'm always worried it'll come across the wrong way!
Lisa x
I have made progress and i've been so happy that someone FINALLY cares about me, but it is that instinctive feeling that i can't shake off. I know he's not cheating on me, but he is a fella after all and occasionally their roving eye gets the better of them. But its not even about that, its the security that i crave, thinking in a few years he's not going to get bored (which he usually does), leaves me and i have to start all over.
x
....BUT...like i have mentioned in the past, from the age of 20 he made the decision NEVER to get married and NEVER to have children and since between us we have 5 pets and a child moving in together is not an option.
Thing is, when you're in relationship, wether i am right or wrong, it's nice to know it's heading *somewhere* but this isn't.
The thought of set-backs are always in the back of my mind...lingering like a bad smell.
Your comment is more than welcome - thank you.
x
You know I've been following you for some time Sarah. This is the strongest relationship related entry I've ever seen from you. Lots of legitimate points that everyone has to deal with, not just a torrent of self loathing and wild catastrophic thinking. You're coming so far!
I appreciate and value your point of view. For once this isn't all about self loathing, even i can see my improvements and now i'm feeling this way, i want everything else to come together.
x
I think you are right to ask questions. It's obvious he is happy with this, but can you ever be happy with this? If not, then as much as you love him, maybe you do have to let him go. I can't tell you what to do, only you can answer that question.
Ultimately you have to do what makes you happy xxx
x