Thinking.
Yesterdays' down day was (rather bizarrely) after a REALLY good weekend. I'm going to try and explain this the best i can.
Saturday i did MORE shopping in Chelmo town centre which was awful, i went to a party, yes, a pre Christmas party with loads of people i didn't know. My boyfriend drank so i had to drive and i stayed for over 3 hours. Then on Sunday we went shopping for his Christmas tree, went round other friends for a cuppa, decorated his tree, went shopping, queued up in Argos for ages....and came home.
I haven't been to a 'party' since before Stinky was born and i hate driving at night,....and i have NEVER been Christmas tree shopping...ever! These things were done with ease and at no point did i feel anything, no panic, nor anxiety. That's good - right???? You'd think so.......
...NO! In my head, it's not good. (This is where it get's complicated, so bare with me...).
When i do good things, it's no biggy. I don't praise myself for being able to cope with these new situations i am being put in, i don't feel good that i can do it......why? BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. I SHOULDN'T BE AGORAPHOBIC. I SHOULD BE NORMAL. I curse myself. When my boyfriend is saying how amazing i am, and how much i have achieved in 8 months and that i should be proud of myself, my response is - "No." I'm thinking, we only went into town, i SHOULD be able to go to London (for example), so what i do achieve in my eyes is just not good enough... Whereas he's thinking "You went into town, shopping with no panic...that is so good Sarah".... Positive/negative minds...isn't it funny how they work!?
I crave and long to be that girl before i got my life taken away from me. It happened in the matter of minutes, going from a normal, pregnant, 23 year old women....to a 23 year old women, scared to move in case i passed out again.
I think depending on the situation you're in, it's easier to recover. For example. When i was with my ex husband, he was constantly putting me down, telling me how much of a failure i was and that i was basically a burden to him....so that (obviously) got to me. It didn't help that he couldn't drive, so if i was to go out and panic...he couldn't drive me home. It was tough. Plus, he was embarrassed of me. He never let me meet his friends, the only time i did was at the wedding and never again. Whereas now, being with Bean, he will tell me that i am fantastic, that i am doing great, that he's so very proud of me....and the results are really very very clear.... HE HAS ALWAYS ACCEPTED ME, JUST THE WAY I AM. No put-downs, no telling me i am shit, no calling me names because i can't do something, just non-stop "well done". ALL his friends know my situation, he's introduced me to all of them, and they get it...they get me and are super accommodating too. Even at the party, as we left, the hosts said to me "You've done really well Sarah.....", THAT means something to me. They accept me too....just the way i am. So, why am i so harsh on myself?
This year...2010, will go down as my BEST achieving year since 1998. Without a doubt. The amount of things i've been able to do, with the love and support from Bean has been brilliant. CAMPING, 3 TIMES?? WTF? Seriously, i went camping....! Now that i CAN see as a fabulous thing.
Bean said to me last night that 'I' have got to accept that I am a women, suffering with panic and agoraphobia. This IS me....(at the moment), but i also have to not be so harsh on myself. Be kinder and love myself a little more. But it all comes down to this....IF i wasn't like this....everything would be so much easier. Bean said to me that he's had 'normal' girlfriends and they come with their issues too....so no-one is ever without their own problems. Just that mine, is different - and he doesn't mind, one bit.
Starting today, i am going to try and see the progress i have made. The effort i have put into getting better, being with a man who loves me unconditionally and who has pushed me to get out and start doing things again, to start living again... I will be eternally grateful to my boyfriend, for he's helped me more than i could have ever wished for.... I've learnt to trust another person, well, many people actually....all his friends that don't mind that i'm a little nuts....if i didn't feel comfortable around them, i wouldn't be able to go to their houses, have dinner, parties, bar-b-ques, spend time camping with them.....none of it.
I am a very lucky girl really.....
My life is slowly coming back to me....
Now...just a few pictures to end off this huge blog! First picture is the party and the others are quite obvious ;)
Saturday i did MORE shopping in Chelmo town centre which was awful, i went to a party, yes, a pre Christmas party with loads of people i didn't know. My boyfriend drank so i had to drive and i stayed for over 3 hours. Then on Sunday we went shopping for his Christmas tree, went round other friends for a cuppa, decorated his tree, went shopping, queued up in Argos for ages....and came home.
I haven't been to a 'party' since before Stinky was born and i hate driving at night,....and i have NEVER been Christmas tree shopping...ever! These things were done with ease and at no point did i feel anything, no panic, nor anxiety. That's good - right???? You'd think so.......
...NO! In my head, it's not good. (This is where it get's complicated, so bare with me...).
When i do good things, it's no biggy. I don't praise myself for being able to cope with these new situations i am being put in, i don't feel good that i can do it......why? BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. I SHOULDN'T BE AGORAPHOBIC. I SHOULD BE NORMAL. I curse myself. When my boyfriend is saying how amazing i am, and how much i have achieved in 8 months and that i should be proud of myself, my response is - "No." I'm thinking, we only went into town, i SHOULD be able to go to London (for example), so what i do achieve in my eyes is just not good enough... Whereas he's thinking "You went into town, shopping with no panic...that is so good Sarah".... Positive/negative minds...isn't it funny how they work!?
I crave and long to be that girl before i got my life taken away from me. It happened in the matter of minutes, going from a normal, pregnant, 23 year old women....to a 23 year old women, scared to move in case i passed out again.
I think depending on the situation you're in, it's easier to recover. For example. When i was with my ex husband, he was constantly putting me down, telling me how much of a failure i was and that i was basically a burden to him....so that (obviously) got to me. It didn't help that he couldn't drive, so if i was to go out and panic...he couldn't drive me home. It was tough. Plus, he was embarrassed of me. He never let me meet his friends, the only time i did was at the wedding and never again. Whereas now, being with Bean, he will tell me that i am fantastic, that i am doing great, that he's so very proud of me....and the results are really very very clear.... HE HAS ALWAYS ACCEPTED ME, JUST THE WAY I AM. No put-downs, no telling me i am shit, no calling me names because i can't do something, just non-stop "well done". ALL his friends know my situation, he's introduced me to all of them, and they get it...they get me and are super accommodating too. Even at the party, as we left, the hosts said to me "You've done really well Sarah.....", THAT means something to me. They accept me too....just the way i am. So, why am i so harsh on myself?
This year...2010, will go down as my BEST achieving year since 1998. Without a doubt. The amount of things i've been able to do, with the love and support from Bean has been brilliant. CAMPING, 3 TIMES?? WTF? Seriously, i went camping....! Now that i CAN see as a fabulous thing.
Bean said to me last night that 'I' have got to accept that I am a women, suffering with panic and agoraphobia. This IS me....(at the moment), but i also have to not be so harsh on myself. Be kinder and love myself a little more. But it all comes down to this....IF i wasn't like this....everything would be so much easier. Bean said to me that he's had 'normal' girlfriends and they come with their issues too....so no-one is ever without their own problems. Just that mine, is different - and he doesn't mind, one bit.
Starting today, i am going to try and see the progress i have made. The effort i have put into getting better, being with a man who loves me unconditionally and who has pushed me to get out and start doing things again, to start living again... I will be eternally grateful to my boyfriend, for he's helped me more than i could have ever wished for.... I've learnt to trust another person, well, many people actually....all his friends that don't mind that i'm a little nuts....if i didn't feel comfortable around them, i wouldn't be able to go to their houses, have dinner, parties, bar-b-ques, spend time camping with them.....none of it.
I am a very lucky girl really.....
My life is slowly coming back to me....
Now...just a few pictures to end off this huge blog! First picture is the party and the others are quite obvious ;)
Comments
Accepting that I can't do things is difficult I keep expecting to wake up one day magically cured.
I'm glad that you had a positive weeken, you really have had an amazing year! And it's good to hear that you have people who understand and support you Xx
It's so hard not being like you use to be, missing that person in every way. I (despite hating myself for years) use to be so confident, now i shy away and walk around with my head down.
I wish i could just DO THINGS, normal things, like back in 1998...arghhh!!
i was also very outgoing and the life and sole of any party b4 i got this dreaded anxiety and over the years its just got worse and worse,sad but like your fella said we have to accept that we have anxiety etc etc and try to learn to live withit as otherwise it will end up beating us,never give up,love and hugs vinny x♥x
UNLESS you take time to read about this and research it, it does sound strange...lol
x
wish they all understood though would be great x♥x