BEING SARAH.......

My ex asked for a divorce - ENOUGH SAID!

In fact a nice weekend. Spent the day/night at my boyfriends yesterday, did normal things like shopping (the stuff i would usually do with my mother on a Saturday), and then we kind of watched the Eurovision but not really, it's so shit! Today we came back to mine, lounged around for a bit but i got bored and started doing my garden. Looking good i have to say, i still need to shop for some flowers, maybe later this week. Then, this afternoon we had lunch/dinner at my sisters. This is a massive accomplishment for me, yes, another one. When i left my house i was shitting myself, racing heart, dry mouth...scared stiff - but i relaxed into it and had a lovely time. PICTURES HERE!!! It's my boyfriends birthday tomorrow and we're going to the theater to see "When Harry met Sally" cannot wait, so very excited :)

Called doctors for the results of my swabs (smear text won't be back for a couple of weeks) and apparently the kit that was used on me was out of date, so lucky lucky me has got to go back to be re-swabbed.....AWESOME!!!!!!!

..are people who make it blatantly clear that they don't like me, but STILL read about my life...everyday - without fail! What is that all about? If a person makes the decision not to be a friend and is quite honestly sick and tired of my tails of woe, and my constant "Pity parties", and possibly because i am ever so slightly mental/stupid/fucked in the head, whatever.... then why don't they just DO ONE! I refuse to make my blog private because of said person...just a little bit of respect please. I don't interfere in your life, why? Because i don't give a crap about what you're doing - so just go. Get on with your life and stop reading about mine. Do you have nothing better to do?? ;) *YAWN* You chose to have nothing more to do with me...and i am MORE than happy with that. It took me all of 35 seconds to mourn the loss of that 'friendship' IF you can even call it that, so have closure, my love and go, once and for all... Thanks.

FUCK OFF S.O.O

Good morning this morning. I went out and purchased a rather amazing PURE EVOKE FLOW radio for my kitchen, then the boyfriend and i went bowling - first time for ages....had a good time :) ...best bit though ...I WON!!!!!

My boyfriend is sat next to me watching ALL my youtube videos... Awful! I never watch my videos. I make them, i upload them - done. He's onto another...lol Niiiiiiice.

...than seeing your hot boyfriend cooking up a storm in the kitchen.... ;)

...than seeing your hot boyfriend cooking up a storm in the kitchen.... ;)

Day two now...i am missing my boy so much and this fact got me thinking - What is it with some parents who don't think any thing of palming their children off on grandparents/absent parents/other family members for weekends or even a week/s at a time?? Okay, so Stinky goes to his daddy's on Friday night and is home Saturday, that's the longest he's stayed away since he's been born. It's an every week thing, but to have your child away for any more than that - i clearly cannot bare it and what makes it worse is the ZERO contact thing. At his dads i can call whenever i want and he's there. I've known of 'people' who really don't worry or even seem to mind about their children going off for a week with the in-laws... Perhaps i am an over protective/over caring mother and i do have to let go....but i don't give a shit... When i had Stinky at the age of 22 with no 'father' around, right then made a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT to have that c...

I feel i have to write this...so i'm sorry Nikki , actually, no i am not sorry ;) I've been reading Miss Nikki's blog forever and ever - and i was lucky enough for her to add me as a friend on Facebook today (which means a lot to me). Now, for anyone who reads Nikki's blog will know that she has a very low opinion of herself, but OMFG , i looked at her pictures today - The girl is like a frigging model, absolutely stunning, she said that of course she only put the good pictures of herself on her FB page, but whatever, Nikki is beautiful - absolutely! There - said it... ;)

Apart from it being super hot down south, i've had the best time. BBQ last night with my boyfriend and his friends which was lovely and today we lazed in the garden and had another BBQ this evening - what more could a girl ask for???? One thing, my boyfriend took a picture of me this morning and i have to say, its the first time i have looked at a picture of myself and thought, bloody hell - i look "slim". Cut my head off because i looked fucking ugly! Hideous in fact. My boy goes away tomorrow for his first school trip for FIVE whole days, i am dreading it to be honest, i've never been this long away from him since birth, i am already feeling separation anxiety coming on :(

...since my ex husband told me he wanted a divorce. I'm not going to lie and say that i don't hold any bitterness toward him for leaving me, because i married that fucker for life, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, and even writing this i get extremely confused because for 7 LOOOOOOOONG years he treated me like a piece of shit. I adored that arsehole and did EVERYTHING i could to please him. His dinner would be ready when he came home, his bath would be run, lunch would be made for the next day and the house kept spotless....all i could do, i did and what thanks did i actually get for being that person, none, zilch, nada ... I realise and know that we weren't right together, we didn't have the same dreams/aspirations. He wanted to travel, whereas i, simply couldn't, not that i wouldn't have loved to, but the dream was impossible. I was too many things that he hated in a wife/partner. I lived with rose tinted glasses on for so many years, but s...

Those words haunt me time and time again. YES LADIES (sorry gentlemen) today was smear test day. I'd only had one last June but due to some unusual bodily activity (bleeding throughout the month and after S.I), i had the enjoyment of visiting the nurse and getting one done. She probed around downstairs for a good 5 minutes before my cervix came into sight (and that was after i had to put my fists under my bum to raise my pelvis)...excellent, i love the whole ORDEAL of laying there, legs akimbo and getting NO satisfaction out of it!!!! I have to be honest now and say it wasn't as bad as the last one where she DID make me bleed, and the feeling of the swab going around inside you is the possibly the oddest feeling in the world, and the fact she did FIVE different swab's made it even worse.... LOVE IT!!

I am MORE that pissed off, for many reasons...some of which i would love to go into, but can't...so i'll just stew on them, but the MAIN reason is this. I can't remember if i have talked about this, because my brain is mush, but for ages i've been having strange bodily senstions. Numbness, hand shakes while holding a cup, legs constantly twitch and shake too, tingling, pain behind my eyes, strange vibration feelings INSIDE my body really weird things. So my doctor refered me to the neurology department. Now, I KNOW anxiety and i KNOW that if you overbreath/hyperventilate you get tingling/numbness/shaking etc, i am NOT stupid, so when i'm sat watching the TV on a Saturday afternoon, completely calm and relaxed with not a care in the world and you go to pick up the remote control and your arm is dead, not because you've been leaning on it, or it's in some funny position and it's gone dead, no, my arm was just like a lump of lead, therefore it's very ...

It was so busy, very spread out, packed in the barns and a long way from the car. I was bought 3 things by my boyfriend, cheese, bread and biscuits. Delicious.

It was my sisters' and brother-in-laws' combined 40th birthday party on Saturday. Had a lovely day with the family... Here are a few of the pictures from the day....

When will this ever stop??? I ADORE MY BEST FRIEND, Lets get that straight from the word go....

Cannot do this for a second longer. I'm not sticking around waiting to be fucked over by yet another man, what is the point? To get my heart stamped on and crushed - again. I simply couldn't cope with it. It's bad enough feeling as if it WILL happen, but feeling it every second of every day is draining. I can't sleep because i worry about it. I can't talk about it with him because it will cause a row and i hate arguing. Nothing is ever resolved through shouting at each other. The constant paranoia, uncertainty, fear... Do i NOT have enough to fucking deal with already??? Love doesn't even come into it. People get cheated on and apparently its not because they're not loved anymore, what a load of bollocks, seriously! Come on people.... I am driving myself crazy. There is fuck all point in being with someone when you feel so shit, insecure and unsure. I try not to let this show, but it's hard and i can't keep it in anymore. I am bursting. I need...

Looking at this picture i really think my boyfriend needs to get back down to Specsavers and get his prescription updated.

I just dropped my brand new Sony Vaio in the bath. Nice work Sarah.

...that is the sound of me crashing to the earth like a frigging bomb! Once again, we're in the midst of a downward slump, so to speak. Since my operation and how i felt so poorly after (including the DVT scare), it's made me more agoraphobic again. Scared to go out, feeling panicky most of the time, anxious, just generally phobic. Along with those problems, i then have the feelings of worthlessness, being useless, a failure...followed swiftly by my esteem plummeting and feeling unbelievably ugly, fat, scarred, wrinkled...AND on top of ALL that, the icing on the cake, paranoia - WHY IS MY BOYFRIEND WITH SUCH AN UGLY FUCK UP!? HE WILL LEAVE ME FOR SOMEONE ATTRACTIVE WHO CAN GO OUT SOONER OR LATER. Have a good weekend!

So yeah. Booked a holiday, but now i am thinking - what am i doing? There are a load of things that i could be better spending money on, like... A) A CAR B) Redecorating my bedroom and my son's bedroom C) CLOTHES for me and my boy D) Summer flowers for my garden E) TITS F) Facial surgery, meaning a chemical peel and fillers That is a lot of things on my 'Wish list'.

Just booked a week in Nerja, Spain. WTF??????????????