Coming up for a year..
...since my ex husband told me he wanted a divorce.
I'm not going to lie and say that i don't hold any bitterness toward him for leaving me, because i married that fucker for life, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, and even writing this i get extremely confused because for 7 LOOOOOOOONG years he treated me like a piece of shit. I adored that arsehole and did EVERYTHING i could to please him. His dinner would be ready when he came home, his bath would be run, lunch would be made for the next day and the house kept spotless....all i could do, i did and what thanks did i actually get for being that person, none, zilch, nada...
I realise and know that we weren't right together, we didn't have the same dreams/aspirations. He wanted to travel, whereas i, simply couldn't, not that i wouldn't have loved to, but the dream was impossible. I was too many things that he hated in a wife/partner. I lived with rose tinted glasses on for so many years, but sitting upstairs crying in my bedroom, while he sat downstairs was a flipping good indication that things weren't right - far from it, but i would have stayed in that marriage and fought for it...he clearly had different ideas.
I've had no contact for months and months, i had to speak with him briefly about the divorce, but it was short and not sweet.
When i look back and reflect on the person i was then, to the person i am now...i can see changes. Not dramatic ones, because when I'M in a relationship, it always has a certain amount of uncertainty attached to it. I mean my ex told me he loved me, alot (he didn't though), so when i'm told it now, how do i know it's any different. Okay, my boyfriend isn't an arsehole but its a relationship that doesn't really have any future....so that's a scary concept in itself, to know that sooner or later i've got to start this whole bullshit process of being heartbroken and finding another...
Agoraphobia wise, progress has been made, progress hasn't.... We all know that living with an anxiety disorder is taken day by day... It's a roller coaster of good days and bad days.
I am not as depressed as i was, although i DO still get depressed. It's not nice, but you cope with it, again, day by day.
All in all, to sum it up, i am a lot happier now than i have been for years. I can do more, go places and enjoy being Sarah. Yes i most certainly have my body hang ups - i will never be happy with the way i look - that i think is more of a problem than the agoraphobia. Deep rooted problem. But then again, being told by soooo many people that i'm ugly - is there really any surprise there? No.
I hope one day i can come on here and write that my life is just tickety-boo....fingers crossed.
I'm not going to lie and say that i don't hold any bitterness toward him for leaving me, because i married that fucker for life, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, and even writing this i get extremely confused because for 7 LOOOOOOOONG years he treated me like a piece of shit. I adored that arsehole and did EVERYTHING i could to please him. His dinner would be ready when he came home, his bath would be run, lunch would be made for the next day and the house kept spotless....all i could do, i did and what thanks did i actually get for being that person, none, zilch, nada...
I realise and know that we weren't right together, we didn't have the same dreams/aspirations. He wanted to travel, whereas i, simply couldn't, not that i wouldn't have loved to, but the dream was impossible. I was too many things that he hated in a wife/partner. I lived with rose tinted glasses on for so many years, but sitting upstairs crying in my bedroom, while he sat downstairs was a flipping good indication that things weren't right - far from it, but i would have stayed in that marriage and fought for it...he clearly had different ideas.
I've had no contact for months and months, i had to speak with him briefly about the divorce, but it was short and not sweet.
When i look back and reflect on the person i was then, to the person i am now...i can see changes. Not dramatic ones, because when I'M in a relationship, it always has a certain amount of uncertainty attached to it. I mean my ex told me he loved me, alot (he didn't though), so when i'm told it now, how do i know it's any different. Okay, my boyfriend isn't an arsehole but its a relationship that doesn't really have any future....so that's a scary concept in itself, to know that sooner or later i've got to start this whole bullshit process of being heartbroken and finding another...
Agoraphobia wise, progress has been made, progress hasn't.... We all know that living with an anxiety disorder is taken day by day... It's a roller coaster of good days and bad days.
I am not as depressed as i was, although i DO still get depressed. It's not nice, but you cope with it, again, day by day.
All in all, to sum it up, i am a lot happier now than i have been for years. I can do more, go places and enjoy being Sarah. Yes i most certainly have my body hang ups - i will never be happy with the way i look - that i think is more of a problem than the agoraphobia. Deep rooted problem. But then again, being told by soooo many people that i'm ugly - is there really any surprise there? No.
I hope one day i can come on here and write that my life is just tickety-boo....fingers crossed.
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