BEING SARAH.......

Okay. So in my last blog i mentioned that i had *burnt* my face. That, i am sorry to admit was a big fat lie. I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia about 18 years ago and part of that illness is picking at skin - it's called Dermatillomania . I am really embarrassed to talk about this, but as i am a very open person...i have decided to. **Compulsive face picking is not a sign of poor hygiene nor is it necessarily a sign of a hard-to-control acne problem. Quite often someone with this behavioral issue will begin picking at a spot that is entirely invisible to the naked eye but the urge to focus on it can turn it into an open, bleeding wound that cannot be concealed, even under the heaviest cosmetics. Some people develop the habit of compulsive facial picking as a result of damaged self-esteem, leaving the subject feeling psychically wounded, unworthy. They pick to emphasize the blemishes in their lives or characters although these social blemishes are often seen by only the subject...

I don't know if its a combination of all the stress that i have had with the decorating going on, the imminent divorce, the fact it have ruined my face but picking, which are NOT clearing up, just massive open wounds (and when i say massive i can get my thumb into the gaping holes), and a lot of other stuff that has been going on too. I woke up this morning on my sons 11th birthday and cried. I cried yesterday and the day before that too. I have spent in total six hours today (i can't even begin to think how many hours in total) infront of the mirror trying speed up the healing procress on my disgusting disfigured face, but to no avail. I look like a fucking freak. I feel awful. Because of all this - i am again, questioning WHY my boyfriend would want to be with someone as hideous as me. Someone who is so fucked up. Just don't get it. I've not seen my boy today, at all. He's been out with his daddy since 10am, and is now bowling until 8pm. What a fucking shit awful ...

I spent more on ONE cushion than i spend on my weekly groceries...and i bought FOUR! I spent an absolute fortune yesterday doing my accessory shopping. I still need to do more... Today i've been doing the garden and my bf is glossing the bathroom - bless him!

I spent more on ONE cushion than i spend on my weekly groceries...and i bought FOUR! I spent an absolute fortune yesterday doing my accessory shopping. I still need to do more... Today i've been doing the garden and my bf is glossing the bathroom - bless him!

My house is STILL a mess. The bathroom is tiled and emulsioned and if i do say so myself, i did a bloody good job of the paint work. All that needs to be done now is the lino fitted and the panels put on the bath. The hall and landing will be finished today...hopefully. Kitchen and lounge - COMPLETE :) We had a DRAMA! Yes, a DRAMA! I got my boyfriend to hold my mirror up vertically, just to see what it looked like, and he dropped it, scrapping the freshly painted wall and chipping a massive chunk out of my skirting board. Luckily, my lovely decorator filled both holes and is going to sort it out for me. I was really upset, my lovely walls...lol! Today i am doing my favourite bit - shopping for accessories. Bathroom, lounge, storage and kitchen stuff...LOVE IT!!

Pre grout of course :)

There is SO much dust in my house. It's as if the Sahara has blown in. Decorator is here...he's sanding...and sanding...and doing MORE sanding! My entire downstairs is covered in thick white dust...not good :( UPDATE: Took it upon myself to pull up my bathroom lino as i am having the tiler in tomorrow...OMFG i really REALLY wish i hadn't. That was possibly one of my worst experiences - EVER!!! GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSS. One word comes to mind...BLEACH!

..i've got up today and i am aching head to toe. I've got random bruises all over. OUCH! Yesterday i went to County Court to do some "stuff". I was locked in a room for an hour while my mother waited outside in the car. After that we went to B & Q and i picked up all the paint needed (hopefully i got enough) to do my house. It only cost £100, which i think is quite good. Came home and had a lovely night with my gorgeous boyfriend.

“What are you telling yourself?” Positive self-talk is not about telling yourself that bad things in your life don’t exist or have not happened. It’s not about telling yourself life will be easy if you think the right thoughts. Self-talk is about self-awareness and recognizing how your thoughts affect how you feel and ultimately what you accomplish. Your thoughts are your self-talk. And, they directly affect the way you feel. Since your feelings dictate your actions, it’s important to take notice of the chain of thoughts and events in your life. This newfound awareness holds the key to making the changes you crave come to pass.

Fucking hell. I only went and fell downstairs, top to bottom. My dog was lying on the top step, i have no landing light so i didn't see her. I went clean down, bending my arm and hand right back. Turns out, no major damage, just a bruised thumb bone :) I was in AGONY though...bloody dog. I think she hates me!!! It took FIVE frigging hours to tell me that....i ♥ A & E.

“Change is necessary to live a life with few regrets.” You only live once. And, it doesn’t hurt to think of this, from time to time. The worst thing would be to look back on your life, wishing you could have been happier or done more. Don’t let that happen! Now is the time to take a good look at your life and make changes so that you have no regrets. We all know time flies. Days, weeks, months, and years slip away. Don’t let them pass you by. Make the necessary changes that bring happy, joyful memories, so you can look back with no regrets. I LOVE THIS.

...prepare to be astounded!! Left my house at 9.30am. Went to B & Q to pick up paint samples ready for my house to be redecorated. Then onto Pets at home to get Bluebells food. From there we went to the electrical shop to get hover bags. Went the wrong way, had to do a full circle to get back. After that i went to my boyfriends house where we cleaned, tidied and cleaned some more. He was going to rehang his gate and realised we needed new brackets, so back up to B & Q. Came back to his house...did some more tidying, ate food, drank tea....done. On the way home we stopped off in SAINSBURYS (YES, EMMA, I DID IT TODAY!!!!), did some food shopping...and now i am home. I had one TEENY moment of anxiety in Sainsburys car park as we were leaving (weirdly enough), but apart from that - WOOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOOOOOO!!! FIVE hours i was out today...FIVE FUCKING HOURS! Get me people :) This is what being "normal" feels like.

On my Saturday. Lovely day today. Went shopping with my mother and i was bought a wee treat. My very first pair of dark blue skinny jeans and some little ankle boots to wear with them. Its a look i really like, but what is hotter, are the jeans with my 5 inch black heels. Let me tell you, my boyfriend REALLY appreciated it!!!! I was cooked the most amazing dinner of grilled tuna with a lovely green rocket salad. Gorgeous, in fact, my boyfriend is bloody amazing, i am such a lucky girl. He makes me feel so special every day, and i thank God that we split up for those 10 days, because it has done us the world of good.... :)

My boyfriend is a hairdresser, i don't know if i had mentioned it before. He speaks to many, many people, every single day... and much to my horror...he likes to talk about me...and my illness . NOT in bad way, just because he's Mr Chatty- Chatterson . I just got off the phone to him and he's currently in the middle of colouring an ex girlfriends hair. He was talking about me and it turns out that she also suffers from panic attacks stemming from a car crash and so does her husband, who has stress related panic. Before he was with me, panic attacks, mental health never entered his head, but since being with me..he's eyes have been opened. He said that he can't believe that SO many people who he "does" either have some form of mental health problem themselves...or know of someone who does. Panic (to me personally) is really embarrassing, not only because people don't understand why...and neither did my boyfriend until 4 months ago, but i HATE trying to...

...Tired with a very bad headache :(

.. SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IS HAPPENING!!!! Very excited and very, very busy! I have a deadline to decorate my house within the next 3 weeks :o Bloody 'ell people... ...it's all go in Sarah's house :) Today i am going to pop and see if i can find some lino for my bathroom....and maybe to B & Q tomorrow...i have ALL day. I've got to FUCK agoraphobia and get my arse into gear otherwise none of this will be possible!!!

Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t dump you. Love doesn’t harbor ill will or bad feelings. Love doesn’t ask anything of you. Love is as calm as a still pond and love is a warm, warm blanket.