BEING SARAH.......

I didn't sleep Monday, i got 4 hours on Tuesday night and haven't slept AT ALL since. Ugh...the worse thing is this. I am exhausted throughout the day, but i don't sleep because i think it will ruin my sleep in the evening, but it makes no difference. As of 8pm i am so awake...

Wowzers . I would just like to take a moment and thank each and every one of my readers who bother to take a few minutes each day to drop by and read about my misery... All i can think is that it must make your lives seem so much better.. lol . For the last month or two i've been reaching in excess of 100+ hits a day - and to me, that is simply amazing. I do have statcounter running so i can see who my regular visitors are and would like to say a special thank you to Mrs University Of Michigan Medical Center ...so happy to see that you're still about. Say Hi to Sarah for me ;) As for everyone else (who i know about)... COFFEECUP , NIKKI, ROBERT, EMMA, DREW , and RUBY - i thank you from the bottom of my heart... I really do appreciate you sticking around and reading. I know it sounds crap and corny, but if i didn't have you, i really wouldn't bother! Thank you once more... Miss Sarah♥

"Every day that passes, i know that it's another day nearer to losing him." S.W

I just weighed myself, because i hadn't few a few weeks and i am down ANOTHER 1lb! I'm 6'6 now...or 90lbs....I'm beginning to get worried.

Where it all started... Say Hi and Goodbye to my EX HUSBAND. This is the precious man that i loved for all those years but who treated me like dog shite... I'm only really posting these pictures because i LOVE LOVE LOVE my wedding dress. It was EXACTLY what i wanted. Gorgeous...stunning...i still love it now, rammed upstairs in the loft, screwed up in a ball somewhere :) Don't i look happy? Unfortunately by the end of the day, i was crying!

I AM DIVORCED. 3RD TIME LUCKY??????.....

I've found out some things recently about ARSEWIPE. No. 1 - He's passed his driving test. No. 2 - He's moving in with his girlfriend No. 3 - Getting remarried (well that was the plan, but as we are STILL married, he won't be doing that right now) I don't care that he's doing any of the above actually, i couldn't care less.

...booked tickets to see WHEN HARRY MET SALLY!!!! .

I HAVE BEEN TOLD THROUGHOUT MY LIFE BY VARIOUS PEOPLE THAT I AM UGLY, THAT I AM DISGUSTING. ONE TIME AN EX FRIEND (AND THIS STICKS IN MY HEAD) SAID THAT SHE WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF MY (EX) HUSBAND HAD TO PUT A BAG OVER MY HEAD TO FUCK ME...AND THAT I SHOULD CONSIDER BECOMING A MUSLIM JUST SO I COULD WEAR ONE OF THEIR DRESSES THAT COVER UP THE ENTIRE FACE AND BODY!!!! WHY OH WHY WOULD SOMEONE SAY THAT UNLESS IT WAS THE TRUTH? WHENEVER I WENT OUT WITH MY FRIENDS, I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ALWAYS LEFT JUST STANDING AROUND WHILE THEY WERE CHATTED UP....NO BLOKE WOULD COME OVER TO ME. NOT THAT I WAS OFFISH OR RUDE...IT WAS CLEARLY BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE HELL. I AM REGULARY TOLD BY PEOPLE DOWN THE PUB THAT I AM UGLY...THAT MY FACE IS A MESS, THAT MY ARSE IS FAT, MY TITS ARE FLAT... THIS IS MY LIFE, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO LISTEN TO, IS IT ANY WONDER I FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT THE WAY I LOOK?

This is an issue that is consuming my every minute of everyday. I can't think of anything else apart from being so disgusting. I look in the mirror and i cry. I sit and watch TV, see beautiful skinny girls, with their perfect skin, hair, boobs, legs, bum....and i cry. I have even started avoiding watching certain shows because it makes me feel so crappy. Agoraphobia, i have a chance of overcoming, being ugly - is NEVER going to happen. Sitting here, at my computer, i just can't explain how awful it is to feel this way. I want to be accepting of what i have...but i can't and i doubt i ever will. I am so sad. I just want to look nice...for one day. I put on make-up and i look like a clown. I look STUPID. I try to cover scars and blemishes, but nothing works. I try is disguise the fact i have no tits, but it's clear that i have nothing. I went into M & S to be measured yesterday and without even measuring my boobs (i was a 32 round the back), she could see that...

Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White....Julia Roberts in Pretty Women, okay, so that's not a fairy tale but in the film she talks about being rescued by the handsome prince from the tower which Richard Gere does in fact do right at the end. I've had some pretty shitty relationships, and i have had a pretty shitty time in general...and i KNOW it's not as bad as some peoples (at times i feel a bit like a fraud complaining) but a life that started off with parents seperating (and yes, my father paying no interest in ME), step father came in...he's an arsehole and still is, then crippled by nearly 3 years of horrendous bullying, 22 years of a bullshit eating disorder, TWO failed marriages, 7 years of verbal, mental, emotional and at times physical abuse...and not forgetting of course...PANIC, ANXIETY, BDD and AGORAPHOBIA. I think right about now, i fucking deserve some thing to go MY way. I am fucking tired of not getting what i want. I WANT a normal life, I WANT to d...

I hate my body. I hate that I hate my body. I hate the way I doubt my worth. I hate that I’m so broken. I hate being afraid to be fixed. I hate my smile. I hate missing who I was.

I hate myself. You all know that. I had a conversation the other day with my boyfriend and he says that it really hurts him when he compliments me and i can't accept it...or...when i say bad things about myself...which i do - because i fucking hate myself, so how can i accept it when i can't see it? Today i am having a really really bad hate myself day. I hate everything, it's probably a lot to do PMS - but still, when he calls i can't tell him that i feel this way, because he doesn't like it. So i am sat here crying (again) because i cannot talk to anyone, hence writing this out. Oh the joys.

..now for the rest of this flabby mess!!! I have forgotten about the rest of my body...lol. My "4-pack" has all but disappeared :(

Today i found out that i am still fucking married. Can you guess by the tone that i am mortified about the fact. I am devastated. I am SOOO pissed off, i have been crying - for hours. Why am i still married? Well apparently, County Court are in "Arrears" with getting divorces finalised, the are really back-logged, to the middle of November apparently, and i could only apply for my Decree Absolute on the 31st December, so my forms are in the back of the queue. I had ARSEWIPE phone me up last night (after he had spoken to the court himself) and accused me of DELAYING it. WTF? What kind of idiot does he think i am? WHY would i still want to be married to such a tool? That is issue number one! Issue number two............i can't talk about on here :( Issue number three........i can't talk about on here either!!!!! All i CAN say, is that i have some BIG decisions to make. Not easy ones, just to add to the already hellishness of having to come to a decision. Poop... ...

...when the fuck will i learn!??? (BTW - Such a headache for the last two days!!!)

...when the fuck will i learn!??? (BTW - Such a headache for the last two days!!!)

...is that i think i am too submissive. I live my life walking over egg-shells as to not say the wrong thing, in case i lose or upset that person. ((I am talking in general here.)) Just talking to my friend and she was mentioning that when she's out, she won't move out of the way if someone is coming toward her, whereas i, i WILL move, i always hold doors open for people, i apologise constantly for anything, in fact one day, someone actually said "Why do you say sorry? You've done nothing wrong". It's in my nature to make sure that i don't offend anyone. Okay, there ARE times when people piss me off, but mostly, i will hold it in. If i have a problem with my boyfriend, i am too afraid to say how i feel, he *thinks* i do - but no...i REALLY don't. I had 7 years of being scared to say how i felt,the threat of being dumped loomed over my head...and i guess that has followed me into this relationship. There are a lot of things that i would like to s...

..when you REALLY have exhausted ALL ways of recovering? I've read 20+ books, i've tried the medication, i've had therapy...i've TRIED going out more, but the fear STILL beats me, every-fucking-time. Is there ever a point when you should say - fuck it...cannot be arsed to fight any more???

c-67-187-169-181.hsd1.ca.comcast.net (Comcast Cable Communications Inc) [Label IP Address] California, Shingle Springs, United States Who are you?

Apparently the body goes through cycles and changes every 7 years. I am coming into my 35 th (gasp...35....lol), so that would mean i am due for a change, and boy am i noticing it. EVERY MONTH i am experiencing awful PMS, for the entire month. Sore/tingling boobs, sickness (ALL DAY), headaches, pains...dizziness....lovely. I've had these symptoms pretty much since my periods ended on New Years Eve...and i am still not due for another 7 days.... lol . Holy Crap! However the only thing that isn't consistent with PMS is my mood. Okay, i would generally get snappy about 2 days before, but i'm not being snappy all month, but i am finding that teeny things wind me up. I've never wanted my period to come so much...just to ease these feelings, just for a few days :) UGH - Sickness...don't like that very much....

At the beginning... End of December.. In 7 months...his hair has got bigger and my hair has got longer ;)

I'm looking back. My first marriage we got together in February and we're engaged 6 months and married by the following May, together 15 months before our wedding. Second marriage, engaged after 6 months and married by the October, so a total of being together 13 months. I know of people that were together no more than NEITHER of us want THAT kind of commitment. We are happy the way we are. Fucking hell, marriage/divorce...crap. My boyfriend has never wanted to go down that road and i am perfectly happy with that. We will never have kids and never move in together. We have the absolute perfect answer to a healthy relationship. We have no ties keeping us together, no mortgage, no signed lease, NO KIDS, we are together because we want to be. Simple as that. So many people are together for financial reasons because they have the house...and a family but desperately want to get out, but just can't do it, because quite frankly divorce is expensive (and so is child support). ...

500 Sit ups 100 Star jumps 100 Leg raises 50 lunges 50 side leg raises 40 reps with 10kg weights + general dancing about for 10 - 15 minutes to music channels. We're getting some pads so i can do some boxing. I need to burn off some of this anger...lol. My boyfriend and i did a good 30 - 40 minutes kick/boxing last night. I felt fantastic after... [I have to say knee permitting. I am waiting for another appointment for my operation. Knee is bad at the moment]

On this last video, you can see a black mark coming from the very top of the hill...follow it down, and he knocks me clean off my sledge...lol...i crapped myself!

I keep writing posts, then deleting them. I publish and then realise that what i have written is a ton of shite so i hopefully get rid before anyone can get to read it. But what i am writing today...tonight sorry...it's going to be left up :) I am off the scale happy. I cannot believe looking back that for 7 whole years i was so bloody miserable. Felt so alone. I'd never felt so alone, even when he was in the house. I recall one time, i had an friend come over and stay at mine. She told me when she got back home that she thought my ex husband was eyeing her up when i was out of the room or something like that, i know i argued with him about it, but eventually believed that there was no way he'd actually cheat on me and that she was trying to shit stir. When a couple of years later he did cheat, how fucking stupid was i??? Of course he was going to cheat on me! Why wouldn't he? So anyway...i was sad, lonely, depressed and REALLY insecure, okay, so i am still insecure, b...

I am in SO much pain. Like chronic, excruciating...horrible HORRIBLE pain! Where? In my fucking womb area - again. Basically it feels like i am just about to have a baby...labour pain for NO reason at all. Not due on for 15 days...so why the hell does it hurt so much?? OUCH! And to make it worse, i am on my own tonight...fucking great!!!!

SARAH[22:41]: Goodnight. Love you very much. You're gorgeous in every way. xxxxx BF [22:46]: Love you so much sarah xXx SARAH[22:55]: Not as much as i love you. I'm SO happy and in love. Never thought i would love anyone like i love you. xxxxxx BF [23:02]: You are the best thing that ever happened to me.x ...and now. I am crying. So fucking happy people...so happy ♥

..so lovely but in need of a haircut! She is snoring so loud bless her.. :)

My favourite line from Sex and the City. Random i know...but that's me!!1

Just been to the doctors and i am down another 2kg. Not good considering i've been eating like a horse!!! I'm lower now than when my boyfriend and i split up and i lost a shit load of weight then. I have a very worrying BMI of 16.9 :( Crap.

I have been staying away from the scales because - well, you know, all that Christmas picking. Pringles, cheese, twiglets, chocs, biscuits and MORE biscuits...yummy breakfasts of smoked salmon and hot rolls. Lovely!!!! I just weighed myself and i am the same as i was before...although, my clothes are fitting more snug...who cares? Right?

...been so in love, it actually hurts? I NEVER ever thought that i would love anyone like i loved my ex husband...despite the things he said to me, the way he treated me, the things he did to me, i honestly thought the sun shone out of his arse....HOWEVER...i know that wasn't love, i didn't love him, i was scared, scared to be alone. How would i ever cope financially, how would i cope being on my own? And the answer to that is.....VERY VERY NICELY THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!! My boyfriend...is so lovely. He's perfect....well, not quite, but who is? He's caring, thoughtful, loving, HE LOVES ME...i KNOW he loves me. He's affectionate, fucking gorgeous, he's uber sexy...he watches my shit films with me, he's brilliant with my boy...he is EVERYTHING. He's so special to me. I adore him. Absolutely 100%, completely and utterly head over heals in love. PROPER love. Not scared to be alone love, not scared i won't cope in love, not any of that - IN LO...