Oh my..
This is horrible. My ex husband (No.1) has gone. Gone to live 4 hours away. I am surprisingly devastated. Can't stop crying.
Posts
In the cold light of day and back to normality, instead of thinking i did well to go away for a week....i'm laying here thinking what a failure i am............. Why? 1) I SHOULD be able to go away. I went away EVERY SINGLE YEAR from the age of 11 months to 21 years old. 2) Probably ruined my boyfriends holiday by not being more *fun*. Put me in a pub/club situation and i panic. Can't do it. 3) Feel really ugly and sorry for my boyfriend having to be around me. All my pictures my scars are so visible, really destroying my already zero confidence. 4) Can't help comparing how much fun my boyfriend could have had if he'd been with someone else (an ex?). He's not said that, in fact he's said he's very proud of what i did, but i can't help feeling like a 36 year old going on 96. I'm so fucking dull. 5) Wish i could just get up and go somewhere without all the mental preparation beforehand. I can't remember what it's like to ...
Back to reality.
I really wish the holiday hadn't ended. I don't like reality. I don't enjoy how my life is here. It's more than stressful, too much anger, resentment.....sadness. It's getting close to when my ex leaves and this is weighing on my mind right now. He's Stinkys dad..... He shouldn't move all that way away. He's meant to be here for my son and for me, to help me bring up our boy.... to be there when i am struggling, but as of Wednesday, i'm alone.... No more 'Daddy'. Okay, being honest now... I do it 95% on my own anyway - but was comforting to know that he was so close to us. What am i going to do now? Again, thinking of it makes me cry. I cried in front of him yesterday and he said "I've been waiting 10 years to see tears from you Sarah.............". I just don't know what to do..... ...I'm right back there, confused with what i am doing.... Yes my holiday was wonderful and i got on really well with ...
I won't bore you..
I will simply write what i think is important. The negatives.... Had a couple of hiccups, mostly while on the site. How ironic. Being only 2 minutes from the caravan and i freak out! I didn't make it onto the boat... My son was a bit of a shit until Tuesday! I had to come home today :( The positives... I walked miles. We drove around Norfolk, miles from HOME and miles from the caravan, i was fine... More than fine. I felt NORMAL! At no point did i feel like i needed to come home. The (over) 2 hour journey wasn't a problem. I felt relaxed and happy. Had a lovely first holiday with the boyfriend.
Home!
Back home now... Very sad to be back.... Back to my mundane boring life... However, i will post all the good stuff about the holiday later....
