Blogging-hell.
8 days, no update. What can i say? It's not because i am living a rock 'n' roll lifestyle, that's for sure...
Not much has happened apart from the hatred i have for myself causing just a couple of rows, that's always nice, especially the ones that occur at the most inappropriate of times. I'm a cock! Ended up self harming on Tuesday night after a 'row'...ugh!
My dog has been uber sick. She wouldn't stop throwing up (even water), so she went to the vets they gave her loads of injections/medications and she is appearing to be a wee bit better today, at least she can stand without falling over. I was so scared, i thought she could die at one point. Her little eyes looked so sad.
Today...i'm REALLY missing my ex again. This is the second time in a couple of days. The last time i felt like this i took a second to think what it exactly was that i was missing, and i could think of nothing, so those feelings went, today when i tried that, it hasn't worked. I'm just missing him, my husband....i do still love him very very much...and that is what hurts. I know i am with someone else and he's lovely, but i think it is normal to have feelings still for my husband, i adored him for so many years and now i am in this new relationship...and i am afraid that its all going to go tits up... I spend so much time hating myself and living in fear of him going off with someone else....i am driving myself fucking mad. I am pissing him off with comparing myself to his exes. I can't help doing it. I am so totally the opposite to any of them...in every way that i can't see what he likes about me.
So that's about it...a joyful round-up of a week in Sarah's life!!!!! Don't think it was really worth it.
Not much has happened apart from the hatred i have for myself causing just a couple of rows, that's always nice, especially the ones that occur at the most inappropriate of times. I'm a cock! Ended up self harming on Tuesday night after a 'row'...ugh!
My dog has been uber sick. She wouldn't stop throwing up (even water), so she went to the vets they gave her loads of injections/medications and she is appearing to be a wee bit better today, at least she can stand without falling over. I was so scared, i thought she could die at one point. Her little eyes looked so sad.
Today...i'm REALLY missing my ex again. This is the second time in a couple of days. The last time i felt like this i took a second to think what it exactly was that i was missing, and i could think of nothing, so those feelings went, today when i tried that, it hasn't worked. I'm just missing him, my husband....i do still love him very very much...and that is what hurts. I know i am with someone else and he's lovely, but i think it is normal to have feelings still for my husband, i adored him for so many years and now i am in this new relationship...and i am afraid that its all going to go tits up... I spend so much time hating myself and living in fear of him going off with someone else....i am driving myself fucking mad. I am pissing him off with comparing myself to his exes. I can't help doing it. I am so totally the opposite to any of them...in every way that i can't see what he likes about me.
So that's about it...a joyful round-up of a week in Sarah's life!!!!! Don't think it was really worth it.
Comments
I ran across your blog via some other blog that I got to by going to www.myagoraphobia.com. Anyways... I am/was/am agoraphobic and have a panic/anxiety disorder as well. I assume that is what you have as well? I haven't read deep into your blog, so I don't know exactly what you have and everything, but I thought I would share with you a treatment option that doesn't really get any publicity at all, but is really an EXTREMELY good "solution" to agoraphobia and panic disorder...
I am currently doing something called "neurotherapy" ... basically it is a completely non-invasive, non-medication, non-anything weird procedure that I go to twice a week for probably 15 consecutive weeks... I go meet with my counselor and sit in front of a computer. My counselor hooks about 4 or 5 wires to specific parts of my head to read the various brain waves in these regions...
I then sit there and watch my brain play a game of Pac Man (of sorts) for about 45 minutes. During this game, the Pac Man moves if my brain waves get to a certain low level, which is constantly defined and redefined by the counselor. This sounds kind of weird, but during the game, your brain will automatically lower its brain waves constantly.
I've gone to 4 sessions, and my fight-or-flight waves have gone from a magnitude of 48 down to 20. There is still a long way to go for me to be completely done--usually they say 20+ sessions are needed to completely recondition your brain to use these lower level brain waves. My counselor recommends 30 for me.
It is really promising. If you research this and find it to be something you want to do, awesome! It's not always fun and games though ... two days ago I had a session in which I had a panic attack that was caused as a result of the test (long story, it was actually a positive result of the test ... not negative).
It is also somewhat expensive--not insanely expensive, but not cheap either. Insurance is very sketchy on whether it covers this type of counseling (at least in the U.S.). It costs me $60/session, so likely $1800 by the time it is all said and done. I was looking at some websites, and the estimated price was between $2000 and $6000. I do agree that it is high and it is a sticking point, but everyone asks me "but how much would you pay to not be agoraphobic and to not have panic attacks?" and I say "a million dollars" ... so a few thousand dollars really is small comparatively.
Anyways, I just wanted to share this because it has really done wonders for me, and I just began it. Agoraphobia is the pits, but there is a really viable option that doesn't require medication ... and for some bizarre reason is never publicized ... it is all about cognitive therapy, which has little track record of being effective ... weird.
If you want more information from me or have question ... whatever, feel free to email me at timmyb84@gmail.com.
Thanks and good luck!
-Tim
I can't think straight to write a post at the mo, don't know what's up with us?
You know it's expected that you will miss you ex and I'm sorry you're still hurting. It must be hard with all these mixed up feelings at present. Your new man isn't with his exes he's with you so pls don't be jealous of them. If they were so fantastic then he'd be with one of them. Doh! You just don't know how lovely and beautiful you are do you?
Stay happy chick xxxxx
hope your feeling a bit better. sometimes life seems to much to cope with. it will ease off soon, and things will seem better. i know thats no good when your in the midst of things. hope your dogs better too.
xxx