BEING SARAH.......

Where do i start? There is trouble in the C/W household. Last night we were watching Come dine with me, as you do - on a Sunday night, happy as "Larry" - then all hell was let loose. My BF text his bro asking him the name of that very expensive brand of food mixer...anyway...to cut a very long story short, my BF's brother, appears to have a MAJOR problem with me, despite never meeting me. Apparently its all because we split up - 12 weeks ago - and then got back together..., yes people, we have been together nearly 6 months now... i can't believe it....anyway....my gorgeous boyfriend took MAJOR offense to this and this morning in my house, it's been WW3, NOT between me and him, but between him and his brother.

I had to do shopping today, a big shop...grocery shopping. Bloody hell - Sainsburys in my town are having a re-fit. What a mess... I went in on my own with a shopping list of about 20 things, perhaps a few more, anyway - normally that would have taken me about 15 minutes, today 45. I couldn't find anything, EVERYTHING has moved. Ugh! Talk about annoying. Doesn't make an agoraphobic happy, let me tell you. I did it okay - no panic, just pissed off...

For 3 days i have had a crappy (just there) headache, the kind that won't go with the help of painkillers... My boyfriend was off sick earlier in the week with a bad headache/sore throat, so it's possible that i have contracted his disease...lol. However, this morning, headache still here and my sinuses are throbbing and so are my teeth, it ALWAYS effects my teeth. I have no sniffy nose/sore throat, nor am i sneezing and i don't have a fever either. Just general lethergy and head pain... Just feeling crap! However - Christmas is coming :) Christmas tree goes up on the 1st....pictures WILL follow....

It was awful. We walked from the car through the shopping centre and i was telling my mother i didn't feel well and that i couldn't get to M & S, so she grudgingly turned round and we started walking back to the car. But for a moment i thought, i am going to try this, so back we went toward M & S. Baring in mind, mum wanted food, so its right at the back of the store... We got stuck in the go-slow queue and panic hit me. I HAD TO GET OUT, but mum wouldn't leave her food at the till - so we stood there, actually, i was dancing around like some fool. The checkout women was staring as if i was effing mad. I knew it was a bad idea to go to M & S - i was shaking...i felt sick, bad, awful - BUT....i managed to just about stay there...and i didn't die and i didn't vomit and who cares that the women thought i was mad...

HAD ENOUGH. FUCKING TIRED OF LIVING LIKE A RECLUSE. TOO SCARED TO LIVE. TOO SCARED TO FIGHT. TOO SCARED TO DO ANYTHING. FEAR HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE FOR 11 YEARS. I CANNOT FIGHT IT. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I LET PEOPLE DOWN ON A DAILY BASIS WITH THIS STUPID ILLNESS. I DIDN'T ASK TO BE THIS WAY, BUT I AM CONSTANTLY JUDGED BECAUSE OF IT. WHAT DID I DO SO BAD TO DESERVE TO HAVE A LIFE LIKE THIS? WHAT DID ANY OF US DO? THIS IS FUCKING SHIT. AND I CANNOT DO IT ANY MORE. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! THIS IS SHIT...THIS IS HELL.

So..this morning, my sweet little dog came into season and MY panic is over. Thing is, i kind of feel...not disappointed, but i suppose being so many days late i had resigned to the fact that pregnancy was a real possibility. In other news...OMFG! The "plan" is to stay at my boyfriends on Christmas Eve, where i will finally meet, both his brothers (and partners) and his mother. I feel anxious just thinking about it. We would have been together for 6 months by then, so i think the time is right and definitely not something that we have rushed into. Meeting the parent/s (sadly his father died 10 years ago), is a big deal, and i am nothing like his ex...so i don't know whether they are going to like me...or think i am right for him - i am really nervous. Stinky will be there, so i do have something familiar around me. MORE NEWS...Stinky is finally getting to 'meet' HIS biological father. Recently he's be asking a few questions about him and i don't know what...