Depressed

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I don't know if its a combination of all the stress that i have had with the decorating going on, the imminent divorce, the fact it have ruined my face but picking, which are NOT clearing up, just massive open wounds (and when i say massive i can get my thumb into the gaping holes), and a lot of other stuff that has been going on too. I woke up this morning on my sons 11th birthday and cried. I cried yesterday and the day before that too. I have spent in total six hours today (i can't even begin to think how many hours in total) infront of the mirror trying speed up the healing procress on my disgusting disfigured face, but to no avail. I look like a fucking freak. I feel awful.

Because of all this - i am again, questioning WHY my boyfriend would want to be with someone as hideous as me. Someone who is so fucked up. Just don't get it.

I've not seen my boy today, at all. He's been out with his daddy since 10am, and is now bowling until 8pm. What a fucking shit awful mother i am.

I do not deserve to be happy. Ever.

Comments

coffeecup said…
I don't see how you can be a shit mother because your son is spending time with his Dad? Please don't feel guilty. You devote so much love and time to your boy that it ought to make you proud of yourself. A few hours of fun with his father doesn't make you a bad mother by comparison hunny.

btw. I totally understand that blemishes can make a person practically hate themselves. I've had some spot trouble and it's taken a month for them to start to clear. Lumpy horrid painful things you can't hide. I felt hideous and ugly and refused to be seen by anyone! Put some germoline on if it's a burn and leave alone to heal. They will! Poor Sarah!

BIG BIG HUGS....xXx
27/10/2009, 22:16
Amy said…
You are not a shit mother! Your son is with someone who cares about him and like coffeecup said, you spend the majority of your lives together and he knows that you love him and are there for him.

I'm sorry you burned your face. I've burned my face on the straightener before and it wasn't pretty (I somehow managed to get my face and my ear at the same time), but it did heal eventually. If you have some aloe vera gel definitely pop some of that on them! And lots of vitamin e once they start getting better.

((hugs)).
28/10/2009, 08:13
Nikki said…
I cant say anything that the others havent said.

I dont know why you say you dont deserve to be happy, from what I can see youre trying your very best, and thats a lot IMO. Youre a v good Mum from what Ive read.

Dont be so hard on yourself.

Hope today is a better day for you?

xx.
29/10/2009, 17:47
Achelois said…
Hi I have arrived here via Alice's blog, I'm confused. I agree with all that everyone else has said. Please don't be so hard on yourself. From my reading you are so not a bad mother. I do think you had the most awful day and sincerely hope you are feeling better. Try putting the mirror away and bathing in the love of boyfriend, who sees the real you. A caring, sensitive human being and a great mum. You do deserve happiness. So from one blogger to another via the wibbly wobbly web - please don't ever ever say you don't deserve happiness ever again, because you do.
30/10/2009, 04:11
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