Is it wrong to want the fairy tale?

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Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White....Julia Roberts in Pretty Women, okay, so that's not a fairy tale but in the film she talks about being rescued by the handsome prince from the tower which Richard Gere does in fact do right at the end.

I've had some pretty shitty relationships, and i have had a pretty shitty time in general...and i KNOW it's not as bad as some peoples (at times i feel a bit like a fraud complaining) but a life that started off with parents seperating (and yes, my father paying no interest in ME), step father came in...he's an arsehole and still is, then crippled by nearly 3 years of horrendous bullying, 22 years of a bullshit eating disorder, TWO failed marriages, 7 years of verbal, mental, emotional and at times physical abuse...and not forgetting of course...PANIC, ANXIETY, BDD and AGORAPHOBIA. I think right about now, i fucking deserve some thing to go MY way. I am fucking tired of not getting what i want. I WANT a normal life, I WANT to do things...I WANT THE FUCKING FAIRYTALE.

I know NO relationship is perfect, but you can make it pretty damn near. NOT everyone splits up/divorces...not everyone rows constantly...

...do you know what? I would settle for being happy. Not feeling the threat of being dumped looming over my head, i would love to be happy with MYSELF - but it's hard when you feel such a loser.

I would do/give anything to be content. In my life.

.......EDIT......

Perhaps i am fucking deluded? Perhaps i am in a dream world? Perhaps ME, i am not meant to live "Happily every after"? Perhaps i am going to go from relationship to relationship never finding that ONE person who can love me and accept me and actually want to be with me - not for a week, a month, but always. Okay, *things* happen, "Circumstance" blah, blah, blah, but i would just like to know that someone loves me that much, that they would want to be with me....for as long as....

Maybe i am too hard a person to be happy with? Perhaps i am high maintenace - NOT in the material way, oh no...definitely not, but in other ways?? PERHAPS i am destined to be alone???? Maybe this is what MY life has mapped out for me??

Comments

Nikki said…
Has something happened between you both? I hope things are OK. But didn't I read a blog a while back that you were happy as you were, him having his house, you in yours.. just being together? I get the impression he loves you no matter what and probably does want to be with you forever?? Maybe Ive got my wires completely crossed here.. apologies if I have (I have to do the dreaded school run now, but will try and message later once Ive read your blog over a bit more). I'm always about if you need a chat.. Im sure Ive said that before :)

Chin up - and all that annoying crap!

..and btw, you ARE a good person and you do deserve happiness!!

Hugs :) xx.
22/01/2010, 15:08
Sarah♥ said…
He loves me, yes, but he's said many many times that you "just don't know what will happen" - which i agree with, but it doesn't install me with much confidence.

I hate feeling not good enough, which i do feel. I know there are many girls that are better suited to him, his lifestyle and his attitude toward life in general.

I am happy living here, in my house, but i am pretty sure that a relationship with my boyfriend is only ever going to be temporary.
22/01/2010, 15:12
Nikki said…
"just don't know what will happen" - Thats a bit shit! I'm like you and the cogs would be whirring within seconds of that being said to me!

I used to ask Si when he would ever ask me out on a date, he always used to say 'one day' which said to me he would never ask (Which obv wasn't what he was saying, but being paranoid me I hated it and it didnt give me any confidence either!)... He obv did ask me out in the end but I hated feeling like I wanted something more than he did, that we weren't on the same page sort of thing??

..Now we're engaged and stuck with eachother!

I'm sure he has reasons for saying that. I'm assuming you've gone over this with him and talked stuff over. He obv loves you judging by the things youve posted about in the past, and like you say Im sure you'll feel better once Mrs pmt has packed her bags.. I will be a suicidal mess in another week or so, just give it time.. No-one wll love me then, everyone will annoy me, I will feel (even more) ill, irrational (Although completely rational at the time!), panicked, everything.

Dont worry Sarah, Im sure he loves you 110% he's perhaps protecting himself and perhaps being careful because of your son, which is sensible.

:) xx
22/01/2010, 16:49
Robert said…
When Marie showed an interest in me, more than 10 years ago, I could hardly believe it...but went along with it anyway. Then after a while I began to wonder what am I letting myself in for? - I'm a getting older, getting fatter, 2 times ex-husband & many times ex-boyfriend with lots of baggage and not much in the way of good looks or wealth - what the hell could she see in me??? I still wonder. But, yes it has been more than 10 years and it still works. Longer than any other relationship I've ever had.

If someone can put up with me - everyone is in with a chance!
24/01/2010, 01:47
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