BEING SARAH.......

My tongue is CLEARLY wonking off to the left side..... And it hurts.... and i am still slurring.... :(

...With all the strange going's on with my body i have (obviously) convinced myself i have MS or worse than that ALS. I am shitting myself. I have been doing endless tests on my hands this morning, because what do you know, it appears that i have a problem with my *Ulnar Nerve*. I have weakness in my pinky.... and ulnar nerve problems are caused by... MS/ALS! I have a constant skin crawling sensation all over my face... i am really scared. I am fixed up with a EMG on the 21st February... Panic time.

...how many do YOU have? Mine are in bold... * Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions) Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles * Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin) * Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin * Body jolts, body zaps, electric jolt feeling in body, intense body tremor or “body shake” * Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature * Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin * Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders * Chest pain, chest tightness * Choking * Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out * Clumsiness, feeling clumsy, co-ordination problems with the limbs or body * Cold chills, feeling cold * Craving sugar, sweets, chocolate, usual craving for sugar and swee...

Whether i sleep or don't sleep i always feel exhausted > Feel unwell (pained, palpitations, neuro symptoms) > panicky (health anxiety > not wanting to go out > depression > feel more unwell > more depressed > definitely don't want to go out.... when i DO go out it's ... feel ill > anxiety > panic > need to get home. That's my life, right there... Battling constantly with feeling SO ill... ALL the time. SO tired that i can't even muster enough energy to go to the toilet, i sit and wait until i am on the brink and crawl to the bathroom..... This is NOT fucking normal.

In the 12 1/2 years i have lived in this house, i have NEVER had new furniture in my front room. My sofa was second hand, my old CD shelf was from the 60's if not earlier and the TV unit, well - i have blogged about that. That was a VERY cheap Argos black ash unit that my BIL built a pine cupboard around it... Anyway.... slightly off topic. I LOVE my new sideboard. I fits in all my CDs/DVD's... and they are HIDDEN... a-maz-ing. Because of the vast expanse of space on top... i had to put something on it.... and this is what's there - left to right.... Picture of me and the boy, re-framed, 5 Buddha's and a magic wand.  My new piece of art and in front of that a bowl of Hersheys yumminess.  I big foam 'S' that my BF purchased for me.  A picture of me and the BF, then one of the boy and me and finally a snow globe...  :)

Stair carpet - Monday Snuggle Chair - 5 weeks.... I am pissed off that i completely overspent and the loan just didn't cover it and had no money for new furniture for the boy... but HE WILL get it - just have to wait a bit... and he is MORE than happy with his room ;) ;)

Let's talk agoraphobia... Fed up of the decorating chat... It's STILL going on... I will talk more when it's finished and i am not wearing a dusk mast to get from room to room! Ikea. Ikea is roughly 1hr - 1h 20 minutes away, depending on the traffic through the next big town. Yesterday, we left at 6.30pm and the traffic was terrible, every light was red and it did take us well over an hour, coming home i think we did it in just under an hour... so made good progress despite it peeing down and not good splashback from the lorries. My mother WILL NOT drive on 'big' roads, that is any road bigger than a normal town/country road, so that leaves me... i am not a lover either... in fact we hit the first part of the big road an my heart races and i am gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, in fact, we get to the other end and we have to peel my hands off the wheel. Anyway...primarily, above the driving part I have a fear of going out in the dark and 2 of ...

...AGAIN! It's 10.20PM!!! Ugh.. That M25 is becoming my friend. Why again? I purchased the small TV unit, took it to a nice man that my mum recommended to put it together for me... and the frigger didn't go together, something wasn't right so we had to take it back. Which wasn't too bad, because tonight Ikea DID have my sideboard unit in... so mother got me that for Christmas because she didn't need to buy the paint since the decorators have scratched my new floor...GRRR! Not happy about that, but it's where the rug is going to be, so yeah, no one will see it, but it's not really the point.

Everything is taking SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long. I *think* this morning the lounge and has been undercoated and he's now in the boys room glossing... i THINK! I am shut up in my room, sinuses are on fire from all the paint fumes, it's bloody freezing in here and i am fed the fuck up! I WANT MY HOUSE BACK NOW! I am sick of everywhere i turn there is a thick layer of dust... My bedstead is COVERED in dust. My chest of drawers, COVERED, my floor (what you can see of it) is COVERED. The kitchen, COVERED..... Remind me NEVER to get 3 rooms done at once again. I have been living in a shit hole for weeks now... WEEKS! Anyway... something better... So i mentioned a 'snuggle chair' - this is the smaller version of the chair, and i believe i purchased the brown and blue cushion thats on it... I can't really remember, but i think i did. I love all the colours in it because it's going to tie in perfectly with everything that is going on in the room... ...Providing...

Panicked last night. I was freaking out. I could NOT move anywhere in my house. My kitchen was even more rammed (if that was possible). I had to call the BF to come and get some of the things from there to take away, i could not squeeze past and climb over boxes any more. Yesterday when i had come home, all the flooring in the hall way/lounge and my boys room was down. Today they are undercoating the woodwork and hopefully painting the lounge. It will NOT be finished until Friday... :( My boy is staying at his Nanny's due to NO WHERE TO SLEEP! I HATE having him away from me, doesn't feel right. I HATE sitting in my BEDROOM and having to eat my dinner.... :( I am not posting any more pictures of the house until its all finished... My lounge won't be 'complete' for weeks because i have to get to IKEA AGAIN to pick up my sideboard and my 'snuggle chair' that i ordered from Next won't be here until March.... So no pictures of that room just yet...

....but FOUR workmen have just turned up at my house......!!!!! I was expecting ONE!

My boys chest of drawers... All sanded/varnished with new knobs on it... :) Stair carpet gone... Ready for redecorating to begin tomorrow :) A women took my a part of my stair carpet off the drive, it was all folded up and ready to go to the skip but she needed carpet, so obviously i let her have it. Then she came back for the rest, for some reason i offered her my small black sofa... Why? Because i felt a little bit sorry for her. Do i have a new one? No. Do i need a new one now? Yes. I wasn't intending on purchasing a sofa..but i just felt that she had even less than i did and it turns out, that my neighbour knows her and she really doesn't have anything, so i have helped her out. Wardrobe sanded and varnished. My boys bed primed and ready for varnishing tomorrow. So... On Thursday my mother took me back to Ikea, this time it was a little bit more successful. I got a small TV unit, i decided i didn't want to have the 'shabby chic' one, i go...

...just purchased myself a 'snuggle chair' (I ♥ the name).

...is a blast! How the end of our conversation went today. Lady - "I don't really know what to tackle first" Sarah - "Hmmm" Lady - "I'd say the panic and agoraphobia, but then the anxiety and health anxiety is a major issue, but so is the depression...." Sarah - "Is someone going to knock at my door and take me away.....?" LADY LAUGHS. I've had two 'sessions' now with my therapist and i don't know why they no longer do home visits... The 2 sessions have been about the assessment and getting to know me and my history... So much fun i have talking about my mental past... I jest.

I have just noticed blogger has a 'Stat' button at the top here... I have no idea when it arrived, but it's there.. I thought i'd check out my stats and see if anyone is reading, and yes.... i am having a regular amount of readers per. day, however, it appears that i get more views when something awful happens to me... Like i am on the verge of suicide, or my boyfriend pisses me off... I've had comments before saying i am too pessimistic but it's clear that people like to read when am having a breakdown... Me doing up my house, doing 'normal' things... Not quite as interesting. Between the 19th - 22nd and the 29th - 31st Dec i was having roughly 200+ views a day and when i checked my posts, yes, i was having a bad time... So it appears misery/depression/hurt/upset/depression/my misfortune is good to read about. Excellent.

...and purchased NOTHING!!! All that happened while i was there, was that the floor felt like it was moving up and down. A THICK SOLID floor.... I am going nuts or.. my legs are no longer working properly.

Sanding down old furniture.... 'cause i can't afford new.... I'm yet to do the wardrobe but there is no way i can move that downstairs on my own. Also today i have prepped my TV unit for the 'Shabby Chic' makeover... Unfortunately, now i have started, i am not too sure... Oh well... i've started now!!!!! ;)

Bedroom plastered. The decorating will commence on the 16th January!

..is sometimes scary. I was watching "Wanted down under" on TV the other morning and i was remembering when I was in Australia... HOW THE FLIP DID I GET THERE??? So then i started remembering what i did when i was in Australia.... HOW THE HECK DID I DO THAT!????? Remembering one thing in particular that really sparked off feelings of anxiety and panic. One morning, my mother and sister decided to get on a boat (a chartered boat) and visit GREEN ISLAND. Even back then i hated boats despite doing THIS earlier in the holiday... I hated every minute of the journey and especially the part where the ferry just stopped in the middle of the sea for no reason... Back to the story. Mother and sister set off early in the morning to catch the boat and left me in the apartment alone. No problem. No fear. No "OMG i am thousands of miles away from home and my mother is in the middle of the sea how am i going to cope". No mobile phones in case of 'emergen...

Stage 1 - REMOVE BORDER FROM SONS ROOM... Stage 2 - EMPTY SONS ROOM THE BEST WE CAN (REMOVING BED/ALL CRAP UNDER BED) and PULL UP CARPET! Stage 3 - HAVE RADIATOR REMOVED OFF WALL IN PREPARATION FOR PLASTERER. Stage 4 - PURCHASE ITEMS NEEDED FOR SHABBY CHIC'ing TV UNIT. I got, sandpaper, wire wool (for the distressing part), primer, paint, paintbrushes and sticky cloths for making sure all the dust is off. I *THINK* i know what i have to do... VERY looking forward to starting it now... :)

..that i have turned into the bitch from hell.  Yes.  I. Have. Over the last 2 weeks (just before Christmas) i have been nothing but bloody miserable.  I'm not talking about depressed miserable, but i've been that too, i am just talking about grumpy.  It could be a combination of things... and this is what i think.. 1)  I've been ill for weeks. 2)  I am seriously stressed about the upcoming decorating that is going to be happening. 3)  Lack of cigarettes. 4)  (Something personal) 5)  Rows between me and the BF when he's been drunk 6)  Not sleeping 7)  Exhastion So.. these things all added up makes me fooking grumpy and i must admit i have been taking it out on my BF.. Snappy, argumentative...cold....just nasty.  Thing is, i am not denying it, i KNOW i've been horrible and i even said to my mother, i have been awful to my boyfriend... We've just been bickering constantly for 2 weeks...  Anyway... he calls m...

I am struggling. I am at a loss with what i should do, colours....etc... My new flooring (everywhere) is going to be dark walnut.... This colour... I'm okay with what i am going to do in my son's bedroom, but i have no idea what i am going to do in the front room.  Whether i should paint my furniture white, shabby chic style... or... stain them more toward the colour of the floor...?  I don't know what lighting i should have here... I don't know what style i am aiming for.  It's modern because of the white walls and dark floor, but quite traditional with the sofas and furniture.  I usually know EXACTLY what i want....... but right now, i can't picture what i want to do.... Perhaps it's because i've been so ill......................????

I need to centre myself and get myself into a good clear head space 'cause  in under THREE weeks i am going to have a completely redecorated, new floored and new carpeted home... That's got to be something to look forward to!? I need to start thinking about a new rug, new bed covers for my boy, new lighting, new cushions... what colours...??  In my front room i am going for BRIGHT and BOLD!  Pinks/oranges/purples... all colours....or maybe not... In my

STOP SWEARING! Yep.. i am going to stop using profanities.. I may allow myself 'crap... and shit'... but anything more harsh than that - then no...  ..Have i mentioned - I DON'T SMOKE ANY MORE :)

I was going to put up a picture of "2012" and the majority of what came up was fricking doomsday pictures and the world ending,... don't want to be reminded that we're all going to die soon.... Stupid Mayans.... Stupid stupidness!! Something else for me to worry about. So..... 2012 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!