BEING SARAH.......

...Still nothing, no explanation. One person has said to me that he's just moved on and used my mental health issue to make me look bad and that he couldn't cope with me anymore, when the reality is ONE breakdown (okay, it was bloody awful) but the rest of our time together i did LOADS of things and made LOADS of progress, so really it doesn't make sense. Sean had commitment issues, i knew that, i believe now he wanted to move on - but i am getting the blame.

Sean was a gorgeous boyfriend who for 3 years stood by me... In December/January/February i had a mental breakdown. It was a horrible time for everyone involved, but we came through it and i went on medication. End of April i suffered another minor setback , my meds needed to be adjusted.. but that setback pushed Sean too far and he could no longer cope with me or my illness. I KNOW being with someone with mental health problems is fucking hard.. i never said it would be easy - but i HONESTLY thought he'd never ever leave me *because he said he wouldn't*. However, the breakdown proved too much. 99% of the time, i believed and still DO believe we were happy. We laughed ALL the time.. I ALWAYS made him laugh... We went places i never ever thought i would be able to go to... He HELPED me and encouraged me to do that... He was amazing in that respect...and i will love him FOREVER for helping me. For the first time since 1996 last year i went on HOLIDAY - we had a lovely tim...

NO VLOG! I've been super busy all day with gardening, the weather has been gorgeous. I did loads and changed a lot of my back garden, it looks amazing. I then went and got some new flowers and planted them too! MY LIFE IS SO ROCK N ROLL!!! Tomorrow, more flower purchasing, more paint purchasing and......whatever else takes my fancy!

..Has been going on.. i will make a vlog tomorrow ;)

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to have that feeling of something massive missing from my life anymore. I just need to move on, and i really thought i was, but today, sitting here alone the tears start..... I'

When your relationship ends through something you have no control over, it hurts so much. Stupid fucking illness. I was doing great yesterday and then i had a text conversation with him and he's just completely cut me off... He basically said he can't handle our relationship which then got me thinking. Out of the 36 months we've been together, i was really bad for 2 months, which isn't a lot. Of course in between we've had minor ups and downs, but who the fuck doesn't?? I don't get any of this. It's hurting my head and i've spent another day sobbing and now have the next 25 hours to look forward to, alone. Fuck it all... :(

I would love to be typing how distraught i am about my relationship ending when the truth is 5 days on, i couldn't give a fuck... I really couldn't care less. Is it the pills numbing my emotions? Perhaps, but whatever. I love it. I feel like the weight has gone from around my neck, no more tippy toeing around him, frightened to say the wrong thing, frightened to tell him how you're really feeling for the fear of backlash when he'd been drinking, scared to pick up the phone in case i'd get an ear full.. all that shit has vanished. I'm happy.

...I am still coming to terms with my new single status, but to be honest, i could be and it definitely would be a lot worse if i wasn't taking meds, plus i have just upped it to 10mg.. I am REALLY happy about that because... well, i just am!  Side effects this time are totally different.  I am still taking it at night, after dinner, usually between 7 - 9, but now, i feel really pukey every morning to the point of gagging.  Oh well, don't really care... As long as they start working soon... i can deal with this shit. On Sunday i went to Ipswich to a gorgeous hotel called the Salthouse Harbour Hotel (check it out online, it's stunning).  I needed to get away - so i went... No panic... In fact, i walked to the Pizza Express on my own, waited 20 minutes for the pizza and walked back... and i was fine.. SOME PICTURES OF THE HOTEL... :) Also.. i am SO excited about this picture. My brother found this online. Its a copy of the old Radio Times my father was on. He...

I am fuming today, for several reasons... Yes i end

ALCOHOL COMMENCE!!!!