BEING SARAH.......

I constantly get a feeling that something massive is missing from my life and i can't quite put my finger on it, which is really annoying.

...i get the feeling that i was put on this earth to do something

..and i believe that. I RANDOMLY took a picture in London which happened to be the same building as the picture that was taken by a 'friend' of mine many years ago. Now, turbulent relationship it may be. A fire sign/a water sign is always dangerous....fact. But a long time has passed, i have changed dramatically in the last 2 years, i'm sure she has too. Perhaps me taking that picture where we realise that OMG - that is too freaky... I think we take a deep breath and then draw a line in the sand, say sorry and *perhaps* we can finally move on from all the things in the past. I hope so. ...i'm sure that's why THIS has happened. Why else?

Fabulous day in Hampstead.... My friends dad was doing okay today, it was lovely to see him and his wife again! PICTURES HERE.... Tell you something, agoraphobia didn't play a part in my day what-so-ever.... FUCK YOU AGORAPHOBIA!

Tomorrow, Bank Holiday Monday, I, Miss Sarah am off to LONDON!!! Yes, LONDON! Hampstead to be exact. Having dinner with my gorgeous pregnant friend, her boyfriend, dad and his wife. Her dad has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and this *may* be the last time i see him. I haven't seen him for about 7 years, but he calls me all the time... :) VERY EXCITED!!!!!! :)

...what can i say? It's been glorious weather down here in the S.E of England. Today i reckon, possibly, mid to late 70's....at least. We were out early to go see my big-fat-pregnant friend. I like to see her as often as possible, just so i can grope her belly... ;) We stayed about 2 hours today, and i even got to help her weed her path. Gardening is my thing and when i see weeds growing between her path slabs, what can a girl do but get weeding. Plus, she can no longer bend!!!! My friend is 33 weeks tomorrow. She had a scan on Wednesday, the baby already weighs about 4lb....the head/abdomen is measuring in at 34 weeks 2 days... so i reckon it's going to be a biggy! She is gorgeous though and her bump is beautiful. I'll say it again - can't wait to meet this little one. After we got home from there, my boyfriend stopped off at his and got his bike thinking that it's a good idea to cycle in this heat. I was reluctant. However, we managed about 2.5 mi...

Seriously now...What the fuck am i doing?

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bri...

Saturday was very rushed. Went my normal shopping with mum, but be she had to be round my sisters by 11.30am (it was my nephews b'day party at Kelvedon Hatch), so it was all very quick and since my mother wanted to shower the shop keepers in town with cupcakes and then stop and talk for an hour, i didn't have much time to do anything.... We had a lovely night...LOADS of laughs. I managed to stay until everyone else decided to leave AND i drove home in the dark.... yay me! SUNDAY - We were unable to decide where to go/what to do. So we came with the idea of going to the castle... Hmm.... We got to the castle and it was extremely expensive to get in...plan failed! We just drove around the Great British countryside... Very beautiful now all the plants/trees are coming back to life. We spent the afternoon relaxing at my boyfriends which is where i am now. 7am in the morning, been up since 6am, my two boys are sleeping still... :) ...and it's Monday, s...

I watch a YouTube channel called CTFXC. It's a couple who do daily vlogs and i started watching it because the thought the guy (Charles Trippy) was a very handsome young man, shallow i know, but whatever! So, that was 3 years ago.... and i still watch everyday now. His girlfriend has her own channel, she is stunning. And today i commented, which i don't usually do, because they have so many subscribers, comments generally get lost in the 1,000's of others, but this particular vlog, Alli (his girlfriend) looked so pretty, i just felt like i had to. ...and look, i have the most THUMBS UP!!! Yay me :) This has never happened to me before...and since i have screen shot this pic, it's gone up even more.....

What i don't like is being used. I give my all to some people, i mean - EVERYTHING, then....... NOTHING! What is that all about?? Two lessons learnt here. No. 1 - DON'T BE SO NICE. No. 2 - Don't think that people are going to be as genuine as i am.

Flipping heck, i am so bored today. And with boredom comes the feeling of being down/miserable/depressed/unhappy/pissed off.... all the normal shit. I am desperate to dye my roots, but i can't do them until i get up the town, which isn't for another 3 hours. I just want something exciting to happen in my life, make it worth living for. I am fed up of it. Yes, i had a fabulous weekend, but then misery always seems to follow after. I've got my super beautiful friends baby due in the beginning of June, so that's not long now - but i can't buy it anything because she doesn't want to know what she's having. I am really looking forward to that, but in the same week (or within a few days of her due date) i have my repeat colposcopy for those stupid abnormal cells. JUST GET RID OF THEM, SO I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP GOING BACK! UGH!. No one wants to keep having THAT done. My boyfriend is off work sick, so i was looking forward to seeing him tonight, but n...

Taken through my boyfriends (dad's bought for him 40 years ago) telescope. How fab is it?

...started Friday night when my boyfriend took us out for a meal. That was lovely, we sat outside, with the weather being as amazing as it was. Got home and he FINALLY cut my hair, not had it done since NYE, so it was about flipping time!!! When the boyfriend had finished work we went out again for a drink then he took me to a garden centre for a browse. Come 7pm and i was all settled down at home he decided that he wanted me to drive him back home (he'd been drinking) and get some clothes for the next day. Instead of my usual anxiousness, i was quite alright :) Sunday morning i was up at 6am, we were out by 8am and round my friends by 8.30! I even ventured into a MASSIVE Sainsburys alone while they sat in the car eating their Maccy D breakfast McMuffins! In the afternoon we went to a place called Hatfield Forest for a picnic, i ended up walking for about an hour and a half around a big old lake, luckily no panic ruined my day, * PICTURES HERE * Got home from th...

..the rest WILL follow........soon..... I've had a very busy hectic weekend, had no time to do anything ;) Taken in Hatfield Forest. Oh yeah...and i've had my hair all cut off again, SO much better!!!

Went shopping today - VERY productive. Bought A LOT of tops....and a new laptop!!!! Pictures to follow after my new one has had all my pictures/documents transfered over. HAPPY DAYS!

My boyfriend got me a beautiful 'commitment' ring. We know he's not into marriage (blah, blah, blah), but this was his own idea and quite frankly i am shocked that he suggested it, because what i talk about on here, i never talk to him about, because i already know the score and he's not the kind of man to be pestered, that's why i get so frustrated. Anyhoo....yay :)

...before i was hideously unwell!! ;)

..The genius... :) Well, that's a wee lie....BUT....in 7 out of 14 subjects he's met his END OF YEAR 7 TARGETS!!!!! This is amazing since Stinky has NO concentration and learning issues. Subjects that he is FAB at are... English, Maths, Science, Citizenship, Drama (obviously!), geography and ICT. Subjects that he's doing really well in and only slightly off target are... Art, history, P.E and technology. Subjects he's struggling with are... Music and R.E and French. So yeah, since junior school he's doing flipping well. VERY PROUD MUMMY!!!

...just love it when you wake up at 5am in the morning KNOWING that any second you're going to puke your guts up.... Well people, that was me, this morning. Baring in mind, i have a phobia of throw-up, i coped amazingly well. I only TRIED to wake up the boyfriend when i was lying on the floor in the bathroom, eyes streaming, nose dripping covered in sweat... He never came to my help, just as well really...i looked like death. However, i'm feeling fine now, i've cleaned the bathroom and Stinkys bedroom as well as changing it all around. Now onto my room. Must dash.

Mothers Day - I was forgotten... No card for me. :( I got off the phone to my mum and she was ranting how my 'relationship' isn't real because i never see him. True. I've not seen him since Tuesday. I can't keep putting myself through this. What's the point?

I don't really know where to begin. I suppose i can start with how ill i feel. How tired i am. How i just cannot be arsed with anyone OR anything. I am losing interest again. I just want to be left to be miserable on my own. Don't want people around me, or to call me up, don't want to make idle chit chat. It's not that i dislike these people, i just takes up too much of my energy, when quite frankly all i want to do is cry/sleep and smoke. I'm just fed up. It's not like i haven't TRIED to improve my life. I spent a shit load of money on hypnotherapy which (lets be honest) made me worse. I am pretty positive i have something wrong with me. It hurts when i eat, i can feel my food go down my esophagus, i constantly cough...tummy hurts, and i look like shit (not even talking about the spots now, just in general). Does there come a point when you really do have to accept yourself for who you are and stop trying to fix the unfixable?