BEING SARAH.......

..and now, my HUSBAND (yes, i am still married, although still separated) called today and told me he wants a divorce! I was always ALWAYS hoping that we'd get back together, because i DO and i AM still in love with him and miss him every-single-day...clearly, he's not feeling the same. He reeled off all the same reasons why he wants the divorce...but we had NEW reasons too. The first 'new' reason is that he is going to Australia next year and if we were together, he wouldn't be able to save the money to go - therefore a VERY GOOD reason to not be together. Another reason, he HATES where i live and never wants to live here again... The day my world fell apart :( 30/5/2009

If it wasn't bad enough that i have developed a massive patch of WET ECZEMA on my face but i burnt my lip on pasta, so i have a huge burn which looks like fucking herpes. Lovely!!!

I read this article today in the daily mail.... Just click this link!

My boyfriend has had a phobia of needles (blood taking) since he was 14 (bad experience). He is 42 on Tuesday, so for a VERY long time. He's managed over the years only to have ONE blood test, and that was when he was 17, so since then, no needle activity in his arms! Even before our trip to the doctors on Monday he'd got an appointment to see a hypnotherapist, we knew the outcome of the doctors visit would be for him to have a blood test. He came away from the hypnotherapy appointment feeling like 'Superman' (in his words). He felt like he could definitely have one day. Me being ever the sceptic (after my sessions of hypnotherapy) was a little concerned with the elation he was feeling, because I too had that feeling and after it came the panic and anxiety. However, for my boyfriend he remained Superman. This morning at 8.30, he took himself off to the hospital (i couldn't go because he wouldn't be able to get me back home before work) and had the test. I ...

...and seeing how they cope. My boyfriend has had a fear of needles since he was very young and has managed to avoid any contact with them apart from 2 occasions when he needed to be held down, not good. When we went to the doctors about his high blood pressure i knew beforehand they would want him to have a blood test to check

One thing as a person with a long term eating disorder is that i got over the constant obsessive weighing myself, and just went with how my clothes felt. At my skinniest i am not kidding it would be every half an hour.... How bad is that? At Christmas time i purchased a new "Weight Watchers" scale...the kind that checks your BMI/Water/Fat....etc. I've used it once since i had it, the boyfriend used it a couple of days ago, so it's not had much use at all. This morning i got 'the urge' to see what i weighed. I KNOW i had put on weight recently because of the amount of good food i've been eating :) ..I strip down and jump on. I weighed 6 st 13 3/4 lb (97lb)... just under 7st, with a BMI of 17.9. Personally i think this weight is good for a short arse... I am short, very short, but at the end of the day, i am eating good things, nothing is forbidden or scary any more. When i went to my friends yesterday we had a cup of tea and a big ole slice of a M ...

...for not being as mental as i use to be especially on days like today! Okay, yes, i am still very agoraphobic, but no where near as bad as i was and that is good - right!? Started off with me waking up at 5am...not great. It was one of those occasions where you're paranoid you are going to over sleep.... My body made sure that wasn't going to happen! Got up, got Stinkys breakfast, the boyfriend left to go and get ready and i had a bath in preparation of my privacy being invaded AKA - THE COLPOSCOPY! Boyfriend arrived back at mine around 9.10. My appointment was as 9.40. This made me anxious thinking that we weren't going to make it. Finding a car park space is pretty hard at this new hospital. As it goes we drove into the multi-story and there was one right in front of us. Walked in, signed in and our first stop was the new cafe. We consumed two rather delightful Americanos! (May i add, my boyfriend is being REALLY generous at the moment, never been so spoilt, ...

So....(sighing) I am a mess. Woke up in my sleep crying. Went to bed crying. Got up crying. Lots of tears, anxiety, shaking, fear...terror....normal shit really!

...of nothing going on. Did my garden, but i will spare you the details of that today! I dyed my hair yesterday "LIGHT BROWN" (a permanent colour might i add), and it's come out even darker.... NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT! Hayfever has made a comeback after giving me the year off last year. I have my colposcopy on Monday... The joys of 'womens problems'. My boyfriend has extremely high blood pressure and cholesterol. He's having to make 'lifestyle' changes in order to help. Even more so now both his mum and dad have had heart attacks. Bluebell had a haircut. I'm letting her hair grow out a bit so they tidied up her face, toenails, ears and feet. Looks very cute though. My mum goes on holiday on Saturday. It's my pregnant friends last day at work tomorrow. Oh...and i've been writing this for about 5 hours!!!

From 17th May 2009.... BENEFITS.. ..of my mother being on holiday? I'm not spending any money! That can't be bad...lol. I've a purse with money in it....and a bank balance that doesn't say 0.00 and that is ALWAYS nice ;) I've got another friend on Friday who said he's going to call/text me tomorrow to see if i want to "Do something". He said even if i just sit in his car outside my house, that's something - right? He's not that reliable, so i can't even say for sure that i'll ever get that text....when he said it we were Skyping, it was gone midnight and he was drinking copious amounts of red wine!!! Ha!!! I am off to watch car-crash tv that is Kerry katona. From 17th May 2008... I HATE.. ..Saturdays! No. 1 reason...SPORT No. 2 reason...SPORT No. 3 reason...SPORT Asking yourself why all 3 reasons are sport, its because it takes up the entire day on TV. I can't watch ANYTHING because he is sat downstairs watching the fucking sport - ...

Holy cow. Last Tuesday my boyfriends mum had to have her beloved dog 'Candy' put down. It has been her constant companion since she lost her husband (boyfriends dad) suddenly in 1999 to a heart attack/stroke. Totally out of the blue. Thursday i'm chatting to the boyfriend on his way to work, as i do every morning. We finish up the conversation and he said i'll call you later. About 5 minutes later (which is very unusual) he calls back, i'm thinking he forgot to tell me something, so i answer the phone all chipper...and he says..."Fucking hell, mum's had a heart attack, i'm running home....got to go....". That's all he said. I'm sent into an immediate panic, totally freaking out. He had to drive to his brothers, who wasn't at his house when he got there, so he drove to his mums and the ambulance was still 'working' on her. As he pulled up it just started to pull out, blue lights flashing, the lot. Ironic thing is, she...

I've had a few people in box me on Facebook ask me if that is REALLY me. I am totally ashamed to say, yes, it IS me and no, it's not my finest hour. Clearly i didn't have any issue with eating here... I look like a pig, an actual pig. I think this picture is definitely my ugliest ever. My fear of getting 'fat' is definitely because i NEVER EVER want to look like this again. Weight does NOT suit me. I must be nearly 9st here....about 28lb heavier than i am now.

...so the world is ending on the 21st May 2011. And yes, i am panicking my arse off.... I am honestly scared shitless.

RubyWax Thu 12-May-11 13:58:29 StinkysMum Hi Ruby.. I met you a few years back when we did the BBC video on Agoraphobia. Just wanted you to know that since we made that video i made more progress in my battle with the illness. The park where we went to, i now do freely with my boyfriend and regularly take walks over there. Thank you again for highlighting this problem, Sarah x You were so open about what happened to you in the past that I assumed it wouldn’t be long before you could revisit places that reminded you of early trauma’s. If you can talk about it you’re healing. I’m so glad you get out of the house it was a waste for such a great looking girl to be locked indoors.

PICTURES OF ME GROWING UP!!!! < Click there.....

I am having 'one of those days' today - the kind when i am (not purposely) focusing on everything that is shit in my life and without sounding like an ungrateful cow for what i DO have, the negatives somehow outweigh the positives. What i am always thankful for is my son. He makes me smile every-single-day. I'll digress. This morning for example. "Hi Poo, you alright?.....". ... ... ... ... ... ... "UGH". Yep, that is all i got was a grunt, to be expected from a 12 1/2 year old boy - no? Once he's woken up, had his breakie he's back to his normal/very witty self. He's got an amazing sense of humour and a bit of a performer. He's singing and (attempting) to dance, Michael Jackson/R 'N' B stylie all the time. He's simply unable to walk from one room to the other without strutting to an imaginary beat. Also because he's been bought XBOX LIVE (by my boyfriend) he speaks to American boys a lot (whilst playing agai...

Felt the baby move LOADS today... It was a-maz-ing. I'll see her again in 2 weeks... :)

...gardening of course!!!! The before shot - unruly honeysuckle and the edges needed to be edged back in. You can't really see but i sorted out the rose at the back and the plants along the fence... ...all nice and tidy now! As for this - this was hell. I had to move ALL the pebbles so i could dig the weeds out. I've had several nail casualties, but they are worth it for how it looks now. Took me ages. Looks SO much better now. Bluebell has had a hard day (watching me) and she wanted a coffee.... (It's MINE really!!)

I am really REALLY fed up. My sister just called and told me that dad just rang her and told her he's coming down this weekend and will she be in to see him. She is sobbing because dad is coming down to a wedding and not specifically to see her. No. 1 - He doesn't even call me to tell me he's coming down. No. 2 - He doesn't call to see if i am going to be in. No. 3 - He REGULARLY calls her. No. 4 - He REGULARLY Skypes her kids No. 5 - Last time he came down he saw my nephew play footie. No. 6 - He hasn't seen or spoken to my son since before Christmas. No. 7 - At least she has contact.

Looking through the Selfridges website at some baby clothes (which are rather nice) and i had a wave of 'Oh my goodness'. I was thinking how am i going to react when i see my friends baby for the first time? I can almost 100% guarantee i will cry. Oh yes, there will be tears.... And when i hold it.....? Dear God, i don't want to drown the poor wee thing in snot and MORE tears. I am honestly SO excited, it's all i can think about... It's due 13th June (which is my 2 year anniversary with the BF), but also i wouldn't mind it coming on the 9th June because that's when i have my next colposcopy so i'll already be at the hospital... ;) Who knows 'cause in reality, it could come safely now at any point.... yay!! She's going to be a mummy... Other news. My boys 6th monthly dental check up yesterday, he's got good teeth, PLUS, finally we are being referred to an orthodontist, very happy about that, it's a couple of months waiting list - b...

It's been the longest journey....but she's almost there.... Gotta love her teeny bump! My (beautiful) friend has managed only to put on ONE STONE! She eats very well...but she has always been able to eat loads and not gain and ounce... dislike her for that one! NOT LONG NOW!