A lot about nothing.
There is so much i have to be grateful for in my life.... But at the same time, there is so much missing..... It's really beginning to get to me.
I want more commitment from my boyfriend but then i think about it, and i don't feel ready for anything else. I think i miss the things that a committed relationship brings... Waking up next to each other every day, having them come home to you at night, sharing the silly things in life.... but then i remember that it doesn't actually matter if you're committed or not, things still go wrong regardless... Hell, i've been married twice!!!!! I don't feel like i have a 100% connection that i should have... Something is definitely missing... can't put my finger on it....
I'm still devastated from lost friendships/relationships. I can't get over just being 'dumped' so to speak.... I hate the thought that i am such a terrible person i'm not likeable/loveable. It's an awful feeling to have hanging over my head. Every-single-day i regret being me and doing/saying things that caused these relationships to end so hideously. I obviously blame myself entirely for it. Can't get closure. You'd think after so long, being ignored, no communication, it WOULD sink in... But it took me over a decade to get over my first love...that was until i met up with him again and we talked it over.... HE apologised for being a dick...promised me that it was nothing to do with me, it was just the way he was at the time and it made me feel SO much better... Now we occasionally share a Facebook message and it's fine... I am happy.
My boy is 13 next week.... 13! Flipping heck, i can hardly believe it... Him, my mother and my gorgeous friend are the only 3 constants in my life....
I'm stressing a bit because i'm off to Bluewater again tomorrow morning, the same place i went to on my birthday... It's miles away, over the Dartford Bridge and back under the tunnel.... We're taking my friend and BG.... It'll be his first trip there... I'm anxious because i don't want to start freaking out with her there, she doesn't get it and it would be awful... BUT i've done it before, i'll do it again!
I HATE my hair at the moment. I'm growing it and my fringe. They are both at awful lengths. My fringe is just past my nose and my hair is just about hitting my shoulders. I asked my boyfriend for his professional opinion and he said "Clip your fringe up until it goes behind my ear" - but that's like another inch and a half........... Crappy :(
I dunno....
On the upside i have not picked my face AT ALL for nearly 3 weeks.... I've had spots come up that i have resisted picking. I had a huge under-the-skin blind spot near my nose, it really hurt, but i left it alone.... I have pretty clear skin (minus scarring), i think i need to fake tan it, that'd get rid of the scars....temporarily.
Well...that's about enough whinging for now.....
I want more commitment from my boyfriend but then i think about it, and i don't feel ready for anything else. I think i miss the things that a committed relationship brings... Waking up next to each other every day, having them come home to you at night, sharing the silly things in life.... but then i remember that it doesn't actually matter if you're committed or not, things still go wrong regardless... Hell, i've been married twice!!!!! I don't feel like i have a 100% connection that i should have... Something is definitely missing... can't put my finger on it....
I'm still devastated from lost friendships/relationships. I can't get over just being 'dumped' so to speak.... I hate the thought that i am such a terrible person i'm not likeable/loveable. It's an awful feeling to have hanging over my head. Every-single-day i regret being me and doing/saying things that caused these relationships to end so hideously. I obviously blame myself entirely for it. Can't get closure. You'd think after so long, being ignored, no communication, it WOULD sink in... But it took me over a decade to get over my first love...that was until i met up with him again and we talked it over.... HE apologised for being a dick...promised me that it was nothing to do with me, it was just the way he was at the time and it made me feel SO much better... Now we occasionally share a Facebook message and it's fine... I am happy.
My boy is 13 next week.... 13! Flipping heck, i can hardly believe it... Him, my mother and my gorgeous friend are the only 3 constants in my life....
I'm stressing a bit because i'm off to Bluewater again tomorrow morning, the same place i went to on my birthday... It's miles away, over the Dartford Bridge and back under the tunnel.... We're taking my friend and BG.... It'll be his first trip there... I'm anxious because i don't want to start freaking out with her there, she doesn't get it and it would be awful... BUT i've done it before, i'll do it again!
I HATE my hair at the moment. I'm growing it and my fringe. They are both at awful lengths. My fringe is just past my nose and my hair is just about hitting my shoulders. I asked my boyfriend for his professional opinion and he said "Clip your fringe up until it goes behind my ear" - but that's like another inch and a half........... Crappy :(
I dunno....
On the upside i have not picked my face AT ALL for nearly 3 weeks.... I've had spots come up that i have resisted picking. I had a huge under-the-skin blind spot near my nose, it really hurt, but i left it alone.... I have pretty clear skin (minus scarring), i think i need to fake tan it, that'd get rid of the scars....temporarily.
Well...that's about enough whinging for now.....
Comments
Good luck with your trip tomorrow!
Anyhoo, you have a wonderful trip and don't stress over the bridge. You can do it :)