BEING SARAH.......

This article is an interesting one... Apparently now it can be seen as wrong to kiss your children (YOUR OWN CHILDREN) on the lips... Well, as you can see from my vlog, i always kiss my boy on the lips...because HE'S MY SON and for anyone to imply it is inappropriate in doing so, has serious issues...., say's more about them than it does me!

So yeah..i've been up the town, got shopping, bought some food, some delicious McVitites Caramel Digestive biscuits... Oh my goodness, dipped in tea.... Heaven!!!! Got my boys' glasses fitted... he looks like a right little Geekoid now bless him... and that's about it... I've got to do two days worth of exercising now... Wish me luck!

I got my highest score ever today.... Very happy about this!!!!

I felt like i'd lost weight today.  My stomach feels like it's really sucked in, so i weighed myself, i NEVER EVER EVER EVER weigh myself any more, but i had to, to see if what i thought was right.  Flip me, i've gone down to 6st 11... (95lb)... I'm not happy with this figure, i don't like losing weight when i'm not trying, because i haven't..... Irony is, i'm not hungry at all tonight, i'm hoping maybe i will be a little later...

# I had, the grandparents, my sister, brother in law, my nephews, my niece, the ex husband (No.1) and my boyfriend.... I ♥ my family!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mummy's kisses... All of us together... With my sister...

...today i was in hospital waiting to give birth to my amazing son.... It was a long hard struggle. I was admitted on Friday 23rd October at 5pm. I was taken by ambulance after having my blood pressure monitored for 6 weeks before his birth. On this particular day it had risen too high and i was taking in straight away to the main hospital 30 minutes away. I was monitored again for several hours when pre-eclampsia was diagnosed. However, due to my mental state, i refused to stay and discharged myself.. I was warned that there was a very high possibility that i could have a stroke.... but that didn't deter me, i was NOT going to stay away from home... (at that point i was having panic attacks but didn't realise what they were). The only way the let me home was if i promised i'd go back first thing the next day at 8am, which i did. They put me on a machine and gave me medication straight away for my blood pressure and i was being checked on every hour...... Su...

NO MAKE UP ALERT!!!!!!!!!!! I'm weeks into my NON-PICKING now... and i think as you can see, i have NO spots... Yes, i have those hideous dark circles... and my face is really shiny from just moisturising with my Vichy...and yes, i have patches of discolouration, scars etc...but putting that shit aside, i am happy with the no spots... plus, it's period time....when i get all the spots.... i am doing well!!!!

..and i am about to 'big up' my radio....again! It's the PURE EVOKE FLOW , if you don't remember... I think i paid £149.99 for it about a year ago, but you can get it cheaper than that now.. :) Thing is, i am a terrible sleeper and after finding this radio had 'Ambient' sounds on it, we moved it from the kitchen to my bedroom, however, until last night, i'd never used it to help me sleep. I was wide awake at 11.20 and i knew today was going to be an early/busy day, so i put it on and started searching through the sounds. I found one called cicadas at sunset , put on the timer for 30 minutes, and i believe within 3-4 minutes i was asleep... I would give this radio a FIVE STAR recommendation... Not only the obvious fantastic sounds, there are also all the stations around the world you could possibly think of. A-MAZ-ING - go on, treat yourself :)

SANTA LETTERS... People who have been reading my blog for a long time will know all about me and writing letters..... I was hoping this year (now that my boy is too old for them), i could share my passion with other children.... :) Like my page....if you like..... Please..... Pretty please..... Make this mental girl H.A.P.P.Y...... Thank you xxx

..all day. I've been bored shitless at the same time and it wasn't until 2ish that i decided to move and do something! I started by bathing my stinky puppy... She had a little bit of leftover rice and chicken from an Indian takeaway we had last night and she smelt ever-so-slightly curryish, plus her hair is getting long again so she looked mank. When i finished washing her, i cut all around her eyes so she could see again.... I think she's grateful that i did that... Bluebell is just too cute for words... I ADORE my puppy, i couldn't imagine not having her around, not being with her, not having her there in the mornings....or everywhere i go... my little shadow - I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I really do. This is what she looked like all fresh and beautiful ;) After that i obviously had to disinfect my bath.... so i cleaned my bathroom completely... then i changed my duvet cover, bleached my bedroom/polished and cleaned mirrors and windows... It took ages to do that ...

Struggling on Saturday, feeling like death, i dragged my arse up the town in the morning to get a few bits of shopping. Did it as quickly as possible because i could barely move without aching. I got home and decided the best thing to do was have a little rest as i was positively exhausted from feeling ill and not sleeping at all the night before. I *JUST* fell asleep and the bf calls to say he's on his way.....than meant i had to get up then and pack an overnight bag - my body moved like i was about 80, i ached all over :( Got to his, helped him clean up, picked up all the apples from his garden and finally sat down, just in time for his friends to pop over. Sunday was an extremely busy day. Went shopping to start with then round mine to start something which ended up taking 7 hours..... My lovely neighbour the other day asked if she could borrow my washing line because her husband was moving his old shed to put a new one in... i obviously said yes! So i peeked through ...

... This is a wonderful group created by the lovely Fiona.... Please join us at Agoraphobia & Panic Disorder Support . :)

I really wish there was something that made me feel 'happy'... You know the kind of happiness you'd experience when you were younger... pure happiness, nothing-is-going-to-stop-me-from-feeling-like-this, happy. But there isn't in my life. Don't get me wrong, my son makes me smile everyday, but the smile lasts just moments, i want/need to feel good. I can't continue to be on the verge of tears all day, everyday, it's not right and it's certainly doing me no favours. I have NOTHING to look forward...nothing makes me look forward to the future. It's all bleak.... Being as poor as poor can be, worrying about buying food, paying bills, birthdays, Christmas - i just can't do it... i am really struggling. I WANT security in my life... i want to be anyone who isn't me. I am pissed off..... If i wasn't fucking mental, everything would be okay.... I WOULD BE OKAY. I'm fed up of having no direction.... I'm fed up of being 36 yea...

...Harold Camping has predicted the end of the world (again) for tomorrow.... For fucks sake.... If i wasn't mental enough already and just about recovered from the May's prediction, i've got to do it all over again............. Seriously panicking now!

I'm going to rant now.... BIG FAT JUSTIFIED RANT! So, my father, the man who hasn't been around for *ME* since i was 4, yes, that IS 32 years.... The man who in fact calls my sister every week, SKYPES her children every week (i'm not even including what he does for his other 2 children).... and for his grandson (my son)... NOTHING! I have just found out that my sisters two boys are going to stay with him tomorrow and coming home Sunday.  Now, i know there is an issue with space in the car, but at what point has he EVER asked my boy to stay up there, KNOWING FULL WELL I AM WITHOUT HUSBAND/CAR AND I AM AGORAPHOBIC!  He could easily meet us half way and take my boy, but oh no.... he is not even taken that into consideration at all.... I just totally lost the plot down the phone to my mum, because i don't give a fucking rats arse if he doesn't want to know me....but DO NOT ignore my son.  What pushed me over the edge was when my mother told me my sister had said t...

Today, i managed to purchase my mothers birthday and Christmas present, both nephews and my niece's Christmas presents and my boys birthday and Christmas present... Everyone else is getting £5 scratchcards... Apart from my boyfriend and another nephew.... Done pretty darn well.... :)

How much exposure does one need until panic attacks are lessened? I've been EXPOSING myself constantly for 2 years and 4 months to be pre

There is so much i have to be grateful for in my life.... But at the same time, there is so much missing..... It's really beginning to get to me. I want more commitment from my boyfriend but then i think about it, and i don't feel ready for anything else. I think i miss the things that a committed relationship brings... Waking up next to each other every day, having them come home to you at night, sharing the silly things in life.... but then i remember that it doesn't actually matter if you're committed or not, things still go wrong regardless... Hell, i've been married twice!!!!! I don't feel like i have a 100% connection that i should have... Something is definitely missing... can't put my finger on it.... I'm still devastated from lost friendships/relationships. I can't get over just being 'dumped' so to speak.... I hate the thought that i am such a terrible person i'm not likeable/loveable. It's an awful feeling to have...

..But i found this earlier on her BLOG... How lovely!?

£50 won on the Health Lottery (first time ever played) £5 won on the Thunderball.

Drove what felt like a million miles behind a 30mph driver. 10 miles took us over 30 minutes.... absolutely ridiculous! Anyway....the point of todays trip to Newmarket was to see my friends dad, it was his house warming...  (remember when i went to London in April) .  He's moved to Suffolk now, a lot less stressful pace of life....and basically, it's where he wants to be buried. We were there a couple of hours, my friend was there too with BG and her boyfriend...so it was nice to see someone i knew... ....Even better on the way home we stopped off at Waitrose..... I would shop there everyday if i could afford it, instead i bought biscuits, a pizza, vegetable chow mien, banoffee pie and some Ben & Jerrys ice-cream.... Nice Saturday night dinner.... :) A few pictures from today... The book was a 'booklet' full of Wills favourite photos he's taken. You might see in there Sir Richard Branson, Bruce & Demi, Dame Judy Dench........... He's done...

I'm feeling extremely depressed at the moment, so what better way to cheer yourself up, than watching comedies. I've banked in the last 5 days the following films... The Back-up Plan, Bridesmaids, Iron man 2, Horrible Bosses and just finished watching Friends with benefits.... I've liked them all actually.... However, hasn't stopped me feeling like dogs shite... Still depressed, still confused and still really really unhappy...

Taken first thing this morning.... Not look good.... But my boy is tall... When i had my flu jab the other day i measured in at 5'3.5" - a whole inch taller than i have ever been (without shoes....!).

A real boyfriend ....... Love these on Twitter.....

We took a little ride to see BG yesterday... It's always a pleasure to see my friend, but now, we have the added bonus of seeing 18 week old Baby G. He was making all kinds of cooing noises, along with laughing...smiling, rolling, all that good stuff.... He's gorgeous, what more can i say?

My son had a doctors appointment this morning...and my mother kindly took me. Walking from where we parked i saw her stop to talk to someone...i carried on because i only had one minute get there and considering it's uphill and there was a gale blowing downhill, it was quite a struggle. Looking behind me i could see me mother was still talking, i was hoping that she'd get a move on and hurry up. I got into the doctors, checked my lad in and sat down. We were only there for about 6 minutes before our name was called, still no mother. Had our appointment and came out, i reckon i might have been 10-12 minutes tops... Walking through the waiting room, still no mum, checked the loo, still no mum. I stupidly didn't have my phone with me so i couldn't call.. I thought i'd better walk back to the car, and there she was where i left her, still talking. Anyway.... I walked up there on my own, i sat in the doctors with my son on my own, had the appointment, on my...

Feeling very sorry for myself because i still feel fricking nauseous... So i'm laying on my bed, with puppy, watching Bridesmaids... And guess what? Just got to the bit where they all have food poisoning. Having to compose myself for a few minutes, cause it's made me feel a little bit worse... LOVE LOVE LOVE MY PUPPY THOUGH..... ...and my boy is downstairs making me a cuppa... What a good son he is ;)

...you just hate it when you you're woken with the need to vomit....? NOT my most favoured alarm system.... I'm not even at home which makes it worse... I crawled downstairs DRIPPING with sweat and shivering at the same time, couldn't quite make it to the bathroom 'cause i needed fresh air. I struggled to get the back door open and plonked myself on the floor in the huddled cat pose....gagging....and gagging and more gagging... Thankfully, no vomit....just gagging......and more gagging....you get the idea!? Happy Sunday...................... On the upside... My skin is looking fooking fabulous (ignoring scars etc)..... First time, no spots, in months.... Thumbs up!

I have been using my VICHY products regularly since i purchased them and i believe i have seen a slight improvement. On Wednesday morning i woke up with what all i can describe as is a horn growing out of the centre of my forehead. It was one of those spots that actually gives you a headache. I was very good and didn't pick. I put some sudocrem on it and went into town and then bought myself some cheapy Boots spot gel . Came home, had a bath and put this on overnight. To my AMAZEMENT when i got up in the morning it was half the size - and very easy to cover. Then the other day my mum calls me and said she's read about a product called NANOBLUR . I read about it, watched YouTube videos on it and decided that i had to try it. I purchased that from Boots and it came this morning. Oh My Gosh.... it REALLY does do what it says... My wrinkles around my eyes are barely visible....i'm sitting here with no make-up on and my skin looks pretty good. I'm looking fo...

I'm VERY proud of my son today. Just got a phone call from the school to say that he's doing amazingly well and has really grown up since he's been back from the holidays... I think now is the time to focus 100% on my boy, not to say i've neglected him in any way, because of course i haven't, certain things like bad marriages, bad relationships might have taken too much of my time, but from now it has to be 100%. I need to put my life on the back-burner and concentrate solely on him. He's nearly 13 and teenage boys are hard work, very hard work. We're getting to that stage where i am lucky if i get a grunt out of him, and it IS frustrating, so the fewer distractions i have in my life, the better. He's THE most important thing in my life and nothing else matters now. I was blessed by being able to have him and i need to remember that - he is my everything and will always be. We had an incident yesterday at school where he was assaulted by a yea...

A few things i always manage to do when getting ready to go out.... 1) Cut myself shaving (that's legs, not beard) 2) Get soap in my eye 3) Get moisturiser in my eye 4) Getting my necklace hot when blow drying my hair so it burns me 5) Burn myself with straighteners 6) Smudge mascara over top lid I think that's about it.

I am SO proud of this girl... She did something the other day that REALLY scared her.... But with a little bit of encouragement she did it and ... yeah... She's fabulous! Take a little look at her vlog...

Slept like crap last night, i think i might have had 2 1/2 hours, at the most... So when my boyfriend called me at 8.20 this morning, i was less than receptive to his idea (that we'd already spoken out earlier in the week), to go out for the day.  However, it was going to be a gorgeous day, probably hitting the late 20's, so i got my arse out of bed and got ready. I knew we were heading toward a place called Clare in Suffolk to a big country park, that was our first stop.  We walked right to the top of a mount where there are remains of a castle.  I was exhausted.  After that we drove to Dedham (which was really hard to find, NOT signposted at all).  It was beautiful, definitely worth the drive... We went on a little rowing boat,  I can't even remember the last time i got on a boat.  Not going to lie, i was a teensy bit anxious, but nothing that'd make me panic.  Coming home was a treat... Traffic jams on the A12.... I love a traffic jam when it...