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I really wish there was something that made me feel 'happy'... You know the kind of happiness you'd experience when you were younger... pure happiness, nothing-is-going-to-stop-me-from-feeling-like-this, happy. But there isn't in my life. Don't get me wrong, my son makes me smile everyday, but the smile lasts just moments, i want/need to feel good. I can't continue to be on the verge of tears all day, everyday, it's not right and it's certainly doing me no favours. I have NOTHING to look forward...nothing makes me look forward to the future. It's all bleak.... Being as poor as poor can be, worrying about buying food, paying bills, birthdays, Christmas - i just can't do it... i am really struggling. I WANT security in my life... i want to be anyone who isn't me. I am pissed off..... If i wasn't fucking mental, everything would be okay.... I WOULD BE OKAY.

I'm fed up of having no direction.... I'm fed up of being 36 years old and having the same kind of relationship you'd have when you're a teenager.

This really pissed me off the other night. I was in so much pain with my sinuses and i had no medication in the house. My bf called me up and i told him all this and he said that he couldn't bring me anything because he'd just got in, he had his PJ's on (which i don't believe anyway) and he was tired...... It made me cry... I thought love was all about helping each other? Putting yourself out occasionally? I cannot depend on him, i never have and i never will..... But surely, in a relationship there is a certain amount of dependency that goes between each other? Maybe i am wrong... I felt so unloved and just not special enough for him to put himself out for me... It would have taken him a maximum of 30 minutes to do it..

Super depressed at the moment.... :(

**I've noticed that sometimes people apologise for writing depressing posts, well...i'm not going to.... this is how i am feeling and i am going to get it out**

Comments

coffeecup said…
I think every day that if I wasn't dirt poor I'd be happier. I wouldn't care about being agoraphobic because it wouldn't be so much of a problem. Probably, I'd recover from it too? Gently, on my own. I could stop worrying about having to get better asap in order to go out and earn money or to please a man by going to places he wanted to go. If you see what I mean?

You are not the only one who feels this way. I really identified with this post of yours. Except for the bf. Though saying that, I've had one of those and I know what it's like. Now I feel unhappy because I don't have one and I feel very alone. Can't win?

What would you want that you think will make you happy? When you're totally in love with someone you couldn't care less about a lot of these worries. I wish I had an answer for you, and me too, but whatever your dreams are Sarah, follow them. If there are people in your life dragging you down then you know what to do with them.

Anxiety makes you miserable for sure! Not having anxiety though wouldn't make everything okay. People without anxiety have bad relationships, get depressed, lose their jobs, are poor, feel trapped and dissatisfied and unhappy.

I sometimes think that if I live to be 90 then I still have 50 years of life to live. Crikey! That's a lot of future ahead!! Okay, right now I can't really face making it to 40, but you have to hope and believe that just like there are bad episodes in life, to balance it out there will be good times ahead. Yin and yang and all that :)

Sorry for the long comment. Just that I'm sort of trying to answer the same questions for myself.

PS. You're not fucking mental!!! If you are, then so I am, and you're doing much better than me. x x
21/10/2011, 22:42
Sarah♥ said…
It's ironic because i had someone from the housing association today knocking on doors asking if they wanted to be involved in a 'money management course'... Yeah, that'd be fine and dandy, IF I HAD SOME!

Now i am blaming myself for my son not seeing my dad. If i wasn't "fucking mental", i would be able to drive to see him...and i can't do that, so it's obviously my fault. It's the only way i can rationalise it in my head. The other reason that he's just not interested in me or my son is too hard to handle. So, yeah, I.BLAME.ME.

I've said this to you before, and quite a few times when i was with the ex. You can be with someone, but the loneliness you feel when you're with someone who isn't right (for whatever reason) and you're alone all the time, that's really hard. When you are single, yes being on your own is difficult and i understand that and you crave that closeness and all the romantic things that go with being with someone, but sadly it's not always like that. Mr Right turns into Mr. WTF! Knowing someone just isn't that into you, is so bloody tough too.

'Normal' people suffer with the strains of daily life, but (most) 'normal' people can recover from it and not have to live with the after effects for decades. I remember when i was growing up and during the recession in the 80's, my mother was always frantic about money, and seeing how stressed they got about it, baring in mind a weekly shop back then would cost about £30, now i go in to Sainsburys 3-4 times a week and spend that each time!!!!

You've hit the nail on the head, there should (HAS) to be some balance in all the shit that we endure daily.... Shouldn't there? I'm beginning to feel this is more than just an episode...it's a LONG running drama.... ;)

I appreciate your lovely long comment, never apologise for that...

Have a nice weekend and i hope you're well :)


xxxx
21/10/2011, 23:00
coffeecup said…
What you said about 'being effing mental' is your fault and the reason that your not seeing your Dad... well, not precisely the same but that's exactly what I thought about my ex. If I didn't have anxiety I could have driven to the west country to see him and my relationship would have worked out. It was my fault for being 'mental' that he got fed up with me or whatever. I really don't understand your Dad, but it is HIS fault. His responsibility as a parent to behave like one. I cannot imagine that you have done anything wrong, and after all, parental love is supposed to be unconditional no matter what, so I reckon that he DOES love you. Maybe he knows he's hurt you the most and can't deal with his own guilt or something?

Can you get your Mum to speak to him on your behalf? I hope it gets sorted for you sweetie. I really do. Just tell him it's time that he got to know his grandson better. Nothing more, and see how it goes?

PS. I take your point about anxiety causing problems to last for decades :(

And Mr WTF! You've met my exes then? :)

HUGS XXXX
22/10/2011, 02:16
Jill said…
Hey Sarah, that's why you have Bluebell :)
25/10/2011, 17:48
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