BEING SARAH.......

What have i done today? I went to my boyfriends house and.....got stuck there! I was there for 3 hours..but started to get proper anxious when i thought about coming home. Strange, since i would have been going towards my house. So...i got drunk...and more anxious, resulting in my mother having to pick me up! Oh well...i don't care, because i was still out of my house for a very long time....PLUS...with the added enjoyment of speak to Miss Emma while i was there :) LOVE YOU EMMA ♥ I just took this rather amazing picture of our "pet" spider Goliath. He's been residing in my honeysuckle for about 6 weeks now. We feed him the odd daddy long legs..just in case he's not getting enough food. Here is our pet, with lunch :) ..a pretty good picture if i do say so myself. Hope you all have a lovely evening, i am sure i'll be sleeping well tonight :)

I lasted about 45 minutes before i had a panic attack, but I DON'T CARE...because i A) GOT THERE B) LASTED 45 MINUTES C) SURVIVED A PANIC ATTACK :) Happy days people!!!

As we all know, i have suffered with bad skin for years and years....and some more years. Approximately 20. Since July i have been using an antibiotic solution called Zineryt. It is AMAZING. My skin (although still covered in scars) is acne free and has been since i started using it. I use it religiously on my face...not so much on my chest and i am still getting the odd spot there...but as long as my face is clear...i'm a happy girl.

So, yes, we ALL know i am nuts. This afternoon my boyfriend got his outfit...and OMG ...he looked bloody amazing. Black slim fit trousers and a white with grey pinstripe shirt. Absolutely gorgeous. I am going to be SOOOO proud to be his girlfriend. That made me hate my dress even more...so i bought TWO more. Yes people, send me to the loony bin right now!!! In the pictures you see all 4 possible dresses i could wear and the two on their own are the newest ones i got today. I REALLY like the grey one, because i think with his outfit it would look really nice together. WHICH DRESS!???? UPDATE.... The first black one and the grey dress went down VERY well with my boyfriend! I will defo keep the right hand side black one because worn with thick black tights and ankle boots will look lovely....And either way i will keep the grey one, just because its gorgeous. For a girl who had NO dresses, i now have 4! Things are looking up in the Mr/Miss Sarah household :)

DRESS - River Island £24.99 (bargin)...NECKLACE - Miss Selfridge £12.00 SHOES - Faith £65.00 HANDBAG - Faith £30.00

..from now until Christmas i have a lot on. From medical appointments to parties and then 7 birthdays thrown into the mix. It's going to be an expensive time...oh yeah..not forgetting i need to buy Christmas presents too!!! OUR (being me and my boyfriends) first 'Official' engagement is happening on the 10 th October. I've been invited to a Wedding/Reception...and i am more than excited that we're going together. Today i am hunting for the perfect LBD (little black dress) and i was thinking of teaming it with colourful heels and clutch, just so it doesn't look like i am going to a funeral !!! I've got exactly ONE day for find said dress....and that being today. I am way too busy...so i have onc chance and that scares me slightly! I have to exercise now :(

There were so many signs today for me to ignore. Firstly my star sign which said - The hard choices you're making today are going to push your life in a new direction , then i found a white feather (and i know this one is a strange one), but there were two pigeons on my fence...and that is ALWAYS a sign. I NEVER have pigeons on my fence. The plan was for me to go to my boyfriends house, without my mother following. 11.30am came and i was getting nervous, but i knew this was something that i HAD to do if i wanted anything to change. For me to be able to drive in the car with him would open up my world so much. Long story short...i got there. I was there while he showered and ate lunch. From there i went to Argos to pick something up and then down to my best friends house, she is moving soon and this would be the last time i would go there. We sat, drank tea, looked through old pictures...and most of all, my boyfriend got to meet my best friend... They got on really well...she real...

...cannot stop crying today :(

Up, down, up down...if its not one man that is fucking with my head, its another. Today i called county court to see where my divorce stands and it turns out the Arsewipe hasn't sent back the forms. He had 12 days to do so...we're now on day 15. He's playing games! Unfortunately, that leaves me with two options. No. 1 - to PAY for the bailiff to serve the papers directly to him, in his hand...or No. 2 - I don't remember what that one was, but that is going to cost money too! I REFUSE to pay ANY MORE MONEY! As far as i am concerned now, he can jog on, i did my bit....

...she's so amazingly beautiful and the song is fab! GO NATALIE!!!!

..fast forward to last Friday. I knew there was NO chance of us getting back together since i got a phone call that day....and he said that "IT WAS OVER". I seriously had given up. That night i went out to the pub and had a fabulous time....i laughed and i was told by many people that i am NOT a bad person and that the break up wasn't all my fault. YES i have faults, but so does he! He was going away on Saturday because i was meant to be meeting him. I'd booked hotels (we were going to stay in 3 different ones. One in Ipswich, city shopping, then Gt Yarmouth - by the beach for Stink and then the last one in Acle , which was closer to where we were going to meet), i managed to cancel one...but the other i lost the deposits on. Anyway...i had had no contact with him, i just left it. He needed to get away...and i respected that. Little did i know that i had TWO exes giving him shit...I found out the my ex ex husband had been texting /calling him ALL weekend ...

♥

....big lump of happy today :) EMMA G - YOU ARE AMAZING. One of the most genuine, straight talking people i have met in a long long time. What the hell would i have done without you?....and your fella? You are two really cool people...THANK YOU ♥

..I always bang on about how i don't have friends....when in fact....over the last two weeks i realise that i have many, ones who do care that call and visit..... I am impressed :) Good news.. I have been searching in town for the Kings of Leon CD for ages. I was given it on a memory stick and i tried to burn it on a CD but it wouldn't work and since i have destroyed my speakers on my laptop i couldn't listen to it. I went on the HMV website today and got it for £6.99 and NO delivery....how fab!?? Delivery 24 hours....happy days.

To say the last 2 weeks has been a rollercoaster is the biggest understatement possible. I have been to hell and back, and back again. But i would like to thank ALL those people who have been there for me...especially Emma G....you are amazing and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for your straight talking advice (apart from telling me to go round there on that fateful Monday.... lol ). Your phone calls definitely helped me keep it together... :) I hadn't had any contact with him for ages and i knew he was away for the weekend (because i was meant to be with him), so on Tuesday after a long break of no texts...i wrote an email. There was NO i want you back...nothing like that - it was simply explaining how and why i felt like i did. He read it...and responded and after he'd had "time out" he was in a much better head space too. Thankfully he could see why i reacted to things like i did and it all made sense. The ONLY thing i have asked for him is to answer th...

He still loves me.

I've felt a lot more chipper today, i think it could be to do with the six hours sleep i had last night and the fact that tomorrow is day ten, the day i offically am over a relationship (comparing with the first break up!).

I cannot go through this again, i am not strong enough to cope. My heart is broken, yet again and it had barely recovered from the last time. I feel sick, still can't eat, can't sleep...my mind is racing with questions, questions, questions.... ...i want an out....i can't deal with this pain again. Its fucking killing me.

..i am trying to keep it together, to not cry, to not dwell on the fact that i have been dumped - again, but it is so fucking hard. So very hard. I don't know for how much longer i can keep it in. I think of things, stupid little things that he did and said, things that made me laugh, because we did laugh ALL THE TIME. I think in the 3 months we were together we watched a MAXIMUM of 3 hours television, if that. We talked. We ate. We had fun together, which is so different to me and arsewipe who use to sit downstairs while i sat upstairs.. We communicated. I liked that...and for all that to end, makes me feel physically sick to the stomach. I have not slept since last Saturday. I've barely eaten and i was down to 6 stone 6lb this morning, the lowest i have EVER been and that is not good. My BMI is fucking ridiculous. My mother took me to the doctors because i "look too thin" and he said that i have to go back in a month to be weighed again, and if i have not gained the...

My absence speaks volumes i think. Round 2 of heartbreak in under 4 months is simply more than *I* can deal with. I actually found someone who cared about me...who loved me...but because of my irrational fear of being hurt - i have ended up being exactly that. This is WORSE than Arsewipe telling me he wanted a divorce, and that is saying something.

...I don't think i have

This is me and Stinkys daddy, my ex ex husband! I've had possibly one of the most INSANE days of my whole life...but on the upside...i am no longer upset about being dumped! Let me start my story...Hang on to your seats - this just proves how mental i am! I was speaking with the lovely Emzy today and she is a BAD influence on me (YOU KNOW YOU ARE) and she said something like "Oh...if that was me i would be straight round his house...". Thing is, i am agoraphobic and i only go out with my mother, and there was NO WAY she'd be taking me anywhere, plus she was at work, so what do i do...i call my ex EX husband who love/hates me. "PLEEEAAAAAAAAASE take me to xxxxx house", "No way...oh...okay then". Baring in mind again, i only go out with mum, i jumped in his car and he dropped me off at the traffic lights, i walked round to xxxx house while he parked up in the supermarket car park about 3 minutes away. I get round his house and knock at the d...

..AGAIN! TWICE IN 3 MONTHS. NO EXPLANATION. NOTHING. JUST "DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN".

...moving on.

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