BEING SARAH.......

I have no idea what is wrong with me. I've had a stonkingly bad headache for 3 days now. Yesterday at my sisters i was dry heaving....this morning the same. NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!...lol. I am exhausted...it's 11am and i can barely keep my eyes open. I'm so tired. I've got no energy. The pain i get in my gallbladder has been awful. I have had it everyday for the last week. RIGHT THIS MINUTE i feel like i could throw up. Popped into town today to do some banking and while i was queuing i heard my mum say to Stink the words "Your mother" and "Thin" come out of her mouth. I asked her what she said and in front of around 10 customers she said "You are looking pathetically thin!!" Nice. I wouldn't say that, i would say i am looking the same as i have done for the last 6 weeks. I am eating. I am eating proper food WITH cakes and biscuits...so to be honest i am worried. Oh well..

...I HAVE FILED!

Two days ago i sent Arsewipe an email saying that maybe i couldn't be arsed to do the divorce, because after all - it IS him that wants it...so why should i do him a favour and save him the costs and pay for it??? So anyway, i get a response today basically saying that if i don't do it, i won't get my mums money that he owes. Even out of a relationship he is still being a cock and threatening me like he always did. "IF YOU DON'T DO THIS - I WILL LEAVE"...."IF YOU DON'T DO THAT - I WILL LEAVE"....what a shit head!!!!!!! I have filled out the forms and i am sending them off today. More than mad...more than angry!

Brazilian wish bracelets are supposed to bring you good luck when you wear them. Brazilets donates a portion of its proceeds to planting trees in Brazil!!! I have just purchased myself a

I have noticed that for a period after my husband asked for a divorce i was REALLY happy. New relationship...everything is okay, but now....everything is NOT okay. I am SO angry all the time. I shout, i scream, i swear, i get aggitated at the smallest things and this is even more than normal. There is a certain amount of shouting i do, but then that is to be expected, i have 4 animals and a 10 year old. I get frustrated. I HATE MYSELF (ugly, fat, cellulite, horrible person, scarred, wrinkles, grey hair, agoraphobic, mental health problems) > FRUSTRATED (because i hate my life/myself, but too scared to change) > ANGRY (because i am stuck like this and that i can't seem to improve, so i start projecting my anger outwards) > SCARED (that i will never be loved or in love) > INSECURE (that my friend will leave me because i am all of these things above) > JEALOUS (of gorgeous women that he comes in contact with) > UNTRUSTING (why would he remain faithful...

...i need some serious words of positivity and encouragement to help me get off my arse and stop being so fucking retarded and scared of what...thoughts? Feelings?....Making a complete idiot of myself in front of my "friend"...puking on him? Dying? Fainting? Screaming/shouting? All these things i fear would happen....lovely. I had an idea today about driving down to my sisters with him, she lives under a mile away, but just the thought sent my heart racing - what is that all about? Panic with association....? Great! I should be use to it by now, but i don't want to be scared of going out with him. For 7 years i wished for Arsewipe to be able to drive, thinking that would have made all the difference, now i have someone who does drive and i still can't go places. Afraid to do anything and go anywhere. Pathetic.

Oh my goodness...everything seems to be falling so nicely into place apart from me. I don't want to 'jinx' this...but my blokie is amazing. Absolutely amazing. I really never thought in my wildest dreams that i'd be lucky enough to be with someone who ticks 80% of my boxes. He is by no means perfect...but who is - right? On Friday he turns up with a 'present' for me. I mentioned to him about a week ago (in conversation) that i walked past the new Miss Selfridge that was being fitted out ready for its grand opening on Thursday and i'd seen a nice grey dress. Not imagining for one second that he was taking any of this in, i forgot about it. Afterall, us women, ALWAYS see lovely clothes we want to buy. Anyway...he was in my house for about 30 minutes and he mutters something, i asked him what he said and he said "Nothing!"... He stands at my counter and rolls a ciggie while i make a cuppa, then he hands me an envelope. "What's this?" I a...

I am only writing this because Stinky is playing Nickelbacks' Rockstar and has been since 7.30, over and over and i just thought if you were here how much you'd be hating it... :) 7 and a half weeks ago when you said you wanted a divorce i felt my life had ended. I totally believed 110% that i wouldn't be able to carry on without you here and at one point we were heading to the XXXXXX Centre because i felt so inconsolable, and dare i say now, suicidal, i cried for 10 days straight, i lost 1/2 stone (not complaining about that)... I 'thought' you were my everything. I ADORED you and i thought i loved you so very very much.. ...i started cleaning out my bedroom and i came across 40 - 50 pages of letters/notes that i had written through our marriage when we had a row, when you said/did something mean, i made a note of it. There were so many letters that i had written and never given you... Reading through them made me sob. I could see that our marriage was totally...

There are a lot of things (behind the scenes) that i am not happy about right now. My (man)friend and i joke around a lot and he KNOWS i am joking, so when he says something that he knows will hit the right buttons and i retaliate in a feisty way, its NOT taken to heart, but my mother thinks that he is going to up and leave me because i am horrible, when in fact, i have NEVER been horrible to him and i wouldn't dream of it. I am brash and i am common...that's me. I do gob off alot, again, thats me and like i said before, these are all things he is fully aware of. I get A LOT of this from my mum..."He's not going to stick around for long..." WHY? BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING AWFUL???? I am sick to death of hearing that. "No man will put up with you, if you behave like that...." I SWEAR...again, he knows this. Today she was telling me that i am horrible and that i talk to her like she's rubbish, but, in my defense, if i am being shouted at walking through a...

Stinky got a digital camera from my mum...and THEY like to take pictures...i had NOTHING to do with any of this i didn't even know they were playing around... Stink built a tower (it got as tall as his ceiling but i made him take a bit of it off for 'health and safety' reasons)..so pictures 1 & 2 are obviously of that. Picture 3 them trying to look funny, picture 4 is Stinky shaking his head so it goes blurry and picture 5 is after he's hit his head off the door and he's landed flat out on the floor...lol. NO CHILD WAS HURT!!!!!

I am angry. Really angry with myself. I have a raging headache, i spent the night with a racing heart that would NOT calm down (although i didn't feel anxious which was strange). Before me and him got together he'd bang on about a particular ex, in fact, he showed me pictures of this women many times. He was IN LOVE with her...completely. Stupidly i searched for her on facebook and now wish i hadn't. Firstly she's five years younger than me....secondly she is a dancer, with a dancers bod...and last....oh my goodness - she is absolutely stunning to the point of where i really DID feel anxious/nauseous/scared/ uber insecure..... She is how i would want to look. Beautiful skin, glossy hair, big big eyes, perfect figure....everything i am lacking, she had, so when he turns to me and tells me i am 'gorgeous' i can see that he's taking the piss out of me, because compared to this women, i'm a fucking disgusting pig. I don't know how to react to th...

Check out my very special 'Spongebob Square pants' teeth. This picture i can definitely see that my boy looks like me, but when they say they can see it NOW....i'm not seeing it. This photo was taken right after i had all my gorgeous LONG LONG hair cut off, i am smiling on the outside, but crying a river inside...ROFL!

I made a lovely rocket salad** with tomatoes, cucumber and red pepper. I wanted to keep that all red and green to make it look nicer. It did look gorgeous. I par boiled seasoned baby new potatoes, heated up extra virgin olive oil in a tray. I crushed garlic and rosemary and covered the drained potatoes in it. When the oil was hot i tipped in the potatoes and cooked for 45 minutes. They were d ivine . Lastly i made a balsamic vinegar/olive oil and mustard dressing for the salmon. 4 parts oil, 2 parts balsamic with a half teaspoon of mustard, pepper, salt and a teeny sprinkling of sugar. I placed the salmon on tin foil covering it with the dressing then wrapping it up air tight. Left it to marinade for 3 hours before cooking. That took about 20 minutes for 3 good sized pieces. Everything came together lovely. I impressed myself....AND...the salmon was perfectly cooked not at all dry, very moist. Delicious. (** I also made the balsamic dressing for the salad)

...i forgot to mention... ...he bought me these. Gorgeous. I am very lucky.

I am such a nutcase. I was FORCED into cooking dinner for my manfriend by my friend and my mother. We were having a nice relaxing coffee in Costa and they were saying that if i didn't cook for him soon, that he'd go off and leave me, because no man wants a women who doesn't cook. Firstly how very 1950's of them and secondly - i wish i hadn't bloody bothered. I was SO unbelievably stressed out. I wanted to then show him that i wasn't a total idiot and that i can in fact cook. ((I have to add, that he doesn't care if i cook or not, i found that out tonight)). I got myself so worked up that i felt really ill and panicky. He walked in and i had my panic face on. I told him straight away that i felt ill (didn't mention the P word). He went to pour a glass of wine and told him not to because that if i started feeling worse he'd have to leave and he couldn't drive if he'd been drinking. Then i said, perhaps you can go at 7. With me...when i feel an...

All that i am saying, i have written about...so nothing new.

July 17, 2009 Hand Over Your Concerns Cancer Daily Horoscope You might feel anxiety that is related to your expectations, and this could leave you feeling worried today. Perhaps you fear that the outcome of your hopes could easily be dashed by unforeseen circumstances and that all of your hard work might be pointless. Turning over your fear about the future to the universe today could help alleviate some of the concern you may have. You might consider taking a few minutes to visualize your perfect future—one without any glitches or negative outcomes. As you see this version of the future unfold before you, you can imagine that this picture is something you can hold in your hand. Making a wish that your future will turn out well, you might next imagine yourself handing over your future to the universe. Putting your trust in the universe in this way could take some of the burden of worry from you. Envisioning the future as we wish it and then turning our hopes over to the universe is a p...

...There are MANY reasons for recovery. Number one being undoubtably my son the rest mainly focusing around my family and basically having a quality of life that i've been missing out on for the last ELEVEN years. My man friend stayed last night and he's still going on about me staying round his this weekend. I am frightened. I've not had a panic attack in front of him so i don't know how he'll react to me going nutso... He left my house at 7.55 and at 8.35 i get this text message... "Baby, try to look forward to what we can do together and not what 'might' happen. I will be there for you and do whatever you need me to do, because i love you very much." How lovely is that? That makes me want to me fight this so much. He is willing to be here and stand by me while i get better. This is ALL i have ever wanted...

((FIRST TOMATO THIS YEAR))

The walk that i went on with my friend the other day, was good. He left me this morning and said "How about trying to go for a walk today while Stink is at school?"..."Yeah, yeah" i said!!! After i had done my exercises i got dressed and took the dog out. There were a couple of 'breathless' moments, but it didn't go any further than that. I did the exact same walk that i did with him...BUT...i went a lamp post further...that's good, right? I did the letterbox, no problem today. I am really proud of myself....i AM trying now...i think it's plain to see to anyone who is reading this, that small changes are happening :) ((THE RED DOT IS FROM WHERE THE BOTTOM PICTURE IS TAKEN!))

Uh oh...i got a phonecall at 9.30 saying come and get Stinky because he's a 'vunerable' child (asthma/allergies). I did absuloutely amazing. I walked to the school with NO anxiety. I waited for about 15 minutes, no anxiety...! He is now home for probably the next 7 weeks - anxiety levels HIGH!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday *we* took the dog for a walk. Only around my estate, but it would have been the first time i've been out alone with him without my mother trail gating us..lol. It went fine. We walked around the block and i made it my mission to get to the letter box, which isn't far from my house if you go there directly, but because we'd already been walking 10 - 15 minutes my anxiety levels started rising. I did what i usually do, i made him stop and i took the short walk (i mean SHORT) up the the letterbox. I wanted to prove to him that i am making an effort and trying these teeny steps toward 'wellness. Now here is my scary, frightening problem. He is DESPERATE for me to stay at his. Which is terrifying me. Issue No. 1, i have to get there. Issue No. 2, i have to stay there without panicking (i've only been there once, so not comfortable yet). Issue No. 3, if i DO panic there would be no way of escape, because going in a car would be out of the question, so i'd...