BEING SARAH.......

Clearly i am sporting the newest fashion craze. Protective eyewear. I'm sure there is a celebrity somewhere who would wear them. Today... SUNDAY, 28TH MARCH 2010 , i got in my boyfriends car and he drove me to my mothers to go to church and then we stayed and had dinner! We were there a good 4 hours. We came back to my bf's and walked round town. I am SO happy with myself. I've been here at my boyfriends since yesterday afternoon. I am really happy despite having a big old headache! > Later on Had the nicest shower, we're going to sit down and watch bullshit TV for the rest of the night....happy days :)

Insanely boring day! The only thing that has kept me from going nutso is that fact that i have had lots of phone calls and texts from various people including my boyfriend who i haven't seen since Monday and that was only for a few minutes. He's been ill all week, i can't wait to see him tomorrow. We've got plans for this weekend, i hope i can pull them off, but the way i am feeling right now, it's not looking good (STOP THE NEGATIVITY).

..to having an awful headache for over 2 weeks. It's too much now.

To get to Cambridge takes over an hour and that's from my mums house. We were the other side of town. I left home at 11 to get a blood test, at 12.20 i was called in - i was out there by 12.30...but it was too late to leave then :( I've just been back into town and bought Stinky all these.... ..and i treated myself to these... (BTW - i have no idea why the image is wonky, because it isn't like that in the file!) My friend has just read the Sophie Kinsella book and said it was brilliant and i read a review in a magazine about the other one and liked the sound of it. Let's hope my concentration can hold out... ;)

I'm really excited. Today, i was bored. So i've just called my mother to see what we could do and i came up with a plan and we're going to Cambridge...to do....guess what? MORE SHOPPING!!!! Despite being agoraphobic, slightly mental and all the rest of my problems, i would say my life is pretty fricking good! Still got a poorly boyfriend at home sick, so a big thumbs down to that - BUT a big thumbs up to buying new clothes :) We might even "do lunch". Unfortunately before i do anything of this - i've got to have a blood test. A FASTING blood test. So i can't eat or drink anything until i've had it done. I'm craving my coffee. Mum is infact making me up a flask so i can take it with me, because by then, i will be gagging.

..is beating me today. I am so tired. I'm meant to be going out in a bit, but i don't think i have the energy to move, let alone get ready. This is ridiculous. My eyes hurt and my body aches and to make things worse my boyfriend is poorly with a stomach bug, my WORST nightmare. I won't allow myself to see him now for 72 hours, which will take us up to Saturday. I miss him. On a good note, i had parents evening last night. I don't know if i mentioned but the last one was in November and being honest, it wasn't the best one i have ever had. My boy is adorable (as quoted by his teacher), but he's a joker, he's the class comedian...and he didn't know where to draw the line. He is NOT and i repeat NOT naughty - ever. He isn't a bad child, but his concentration leaves a lot to be desired. His grades were down. ANYWAY...after that meeting, we had another 6 weeks on to see if he could improve and luckily (for him) he did. Anyway, he was struggling with Maths...

I did really well yesterday. Walked round the precinct for a bit, my boyfriend bought me a book for 'being good'...lol. Then onto the newly opened Lidl. I'm not particulary interested in these kind of supermarkets, but i went because it was further from my comfort zone. I was a wee bit anxious and was going to turn around in the carpark and leave, but we sat in the car for a minute and i decided that now i was there, i would at least try and go inside. Mission Accomplished!!!! The journey back to mine was fab. NO anxiety.

So, i got to my boyfriends with NO problems. We went up the town. NO problems. Then we went to the new shop that's opened up

Up and about really early. Right now, i am blogging from my boyfriends house while he showers, then we're taking a walk round town. I might treat myself to some Eternity perfume as i just run out. I'll see how it goes :) Sun is shining...makes everything so much better.

Have had a lovely afternoon with my boyfriend. That's all.

I would like to apologise to the gents that read this. If it's not bad enough that us women have to bleed every-single-month, but why, OH WHY add all the rest of the shite that goes with it? Bloating - So much so you can't get your jeans on. Nice. Staying in my PJ's today. The need for carbs - Ugh, i've eaten too many slices of bread and biscuits today. Swollen ankles - ALWAYS a winner. Headache - Love it. Moodiness - I apologise to my mum for being just a tad snappy yesterday. Stomach ache - Great. EXHAUSTION - Not really anything to do with PMS, but i thought i'd add it for fun. Acne - If the rest isn't enough, give 'em acne as well!!!! WTF?? Thank goodness i am over the moodiness, headache and stomach ache - but everything else is still hanging on. On to another subject matter. My boy has come home from school recently saying that some of the other children are calling him fat and one boy in particular said, "YOUR MUM IS FAT, THAT IS WHY YOU ARE SO F...

Olly Muirs! You remember him, right? The guy off the X-Factor, he sang with Robbie Williams. Well, to my joy (i'm being sarcastic), he's opening a store in the town on Saturday. My mother LOVES the Muirs, in order to remain being a good supportive daughter and being there for my mother to fulfill a dream of seeing him, i am going to be getting up and into town by 8am. Love it. Cannot wait... :) I've had a lovely 4 days with my fella. We've got 3 days off now. He's busy working after work and then he's out on Friday. I think we have our situation working now. I love the time we spend together, but also, the time we spend apart is important too. He's a good man. I'm trying to watch my food intake right now. For me all i have to do is stop eating biscuits and the weight falls off. Ha! I've bought so many pairs of skinny jeans that are size 6 - a single lb extra and it shows. Not great. I just need to be carful, especially today when i am going to b...

...is positively gorgeous this morning. Sun is shining. I think i'm going to head out and do some gardening. Getting back out there, makes me very happy!

I went out today and bought my son £100+ worth of clothes, i bought my boyfriend a top and i bought my mother things too... WHY? Because i am NOT selfish!

A friend of mine yesterday pointed out what a person had written on their blog about being agoraphobic. Said person is an EX agoraphobic...this is what was said. "Agoraphobia is a selfish state of mind. Its completely "curable", and yet some people just wallow in their own self-pity and will never ever get over themselves and recover. When you are so worried about yourself all the time, how can you possibly be a good mother to someone else? Or a good wife/girlfriend/friend? I've unfortunately been the agoraphobic, and I've been the agoraphobics friend. As the friend, it was miserable. Nothing was ever about anything else but them. It was annoying and frustrating. And completely in their hands to change it, but they wouldn't. Because they're too selfish and self centered. Those aren't qualities people like in a person." Opinions please?

We've got a dinner guest tonight. It's one of my fellas best friends'. He's going to be cooking (because he's an amazing cook), roast lamb, baby roast potatoes and veg...and for me, salmon and salad, i don't like lamb. But i have a problem. Since Monday last week, 30 minutes after EVERY meal i get severe stomach ache, to the point of being unable to move because it hurts so much. It's beginning to bother me now. I've never had this before in my life, so it's very strange. I am worried that i will get it tonight when this friend is over - i'm not good with being unwell with people around...i don't quite know what i'll do. Anyway. I've been very busy spring cleaning my house to make a good impression. It's flipping spotless. Bathroom spangley, looks like new, in fact the whole house looks new. I'll let you know how it goes. And...one last thing. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY FOR ALL THOSE MUMMY'S OUT THERE :) Stinky made me a g...

Got a random phone call to say i have been "chosen" to be reassessed at the hospital about my upcoming knee operation. I am VERY excited for ONE reason and ONE reason only. The doctor who i saw was HOT!!!!! :) On the down side, operation is in May!

I have gorgeous coppery coloured lights all the way through! It looks amazing :) So happy with it.

I'm having hair cut AND highlighted in a bit. I am very excited. I've never had my hair highlighted before. If i was to go to the salon and pay for this pleasure it would be in the region of £120....for me, it's one of the perks of being with a hairdresser! However, i've waited...oh....10 - 12 weeks! Post pictures later.. :) UPDATE... HAIR FAIL. The cut is fine (much shorter), but the highlights didn't come out so well, so we're going for round two tonight!

I have to thank the ladies who so kindly offered their advice and my goodness, you're a wise bunch of women!!! I've shed a couple of tears reading them...you ladies are simply amazing . I am grateful beyond belief. Thank you SO much for taking time out in helping me. I am going to read and re-read each one again. I feel blessed and ever so humbled to have such kindness offered to me... I hope you know i wouldn't hesitate to do the same for all of you. ♥

...SOME GOOD HONEST ADVICE. I'M NOT GOING TO POST THE PROBLEM ON HERE BECAUSE SOME THINGS AREN'T MEANT FOR CERTAIN EYES TO SEE!!!! BUT FOR ANYONE WHO WOULDN'T MIND HELPING ME OUT PLEASE EMAIL ME AT BEINGSARAHC@AOL.COM

I'll start off by saying i believe my boyfriend has ended our relationship. Why? Because he finds it REALLY hard to cope with my issues... Last night he reeled off everything that i suffer with, one after the other. Panic attacks Agoraphobia BDD Low self esteem Self harm Health anxiety Emetophobia Bulimia (there were two more he added but i don't recall them) He got really cross with me, so much so, he walked out on me. I've not seen him since. He said he finds my issues draining. Which i can totally understand. Right now my self loathing is going nuts. I don't think i have ever hated myself so much. He gets upset when i constantly pick holes in myself. When we were away i had several gorgeous looking spots on my face (caused by picking) and i felt concious about going out, but i did go. But i didn't stop moaning about how digusting i look and how fat i have got. To be honest, i get that i am a challange, but i didn't realise that i would be dumped ove...

I am totally crapping my pants. I have agreed to go and stay in a hotel with my boyfriend for two nights - am i mad? SYMPTOMS ALREADY... Negative thoughts. Body Dysmorphia going mental. This is a good one. I don't think i am good enough to be seen out with my boyfriend, so i feel flipping ugly...really uggers! Racing heart Fab-u-larse!

He's all i have.

I want to die