Cocking hell...

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I am such a nutcase.

I was FORCED into cooking dinner for my manfriend by my friend and my mother. We were having a nice relaxing coffee in Costa and they were saying that if i didn't cook for him soon, that he'd go off and leave me, because no man wants a women who doesn't cook. Firstly how very 1950's of them and secondly - i wish i hadn't bloody bothered. I was SO unbelievably stressed out. I wanted to then show him that i wasn't a total idiot and that i can in fact cook. ((I have to add, that he doesn't care if i cook or not, i found that out tonight)).

I got myself so worked up that i felt really ill and panicky. He walked in and i had my panic face on. I told him straight away that i felt ill (didn't mention the P word). He went to pour a glass of wine and told him not to because that if i started feeling worse he'd have to leave and he couldn't drive if he'd been drinking. Then i said, perhaps you can go at 7. With me...when i feel anxious i give myself time limits. If i still felt bad by 7 he could go but if not he could stay a bit longer. As time went on and dinner had been eaten i felt a little better. 7 came and he said "Right, i'm off"...this annoyed me because by then i didn't want him to go, but he refused to stay. It was all a bit messy. He just drove off. I am extremely upset, i have done a bit of self harming...and i feel like i can lose something quite special if i don't start behaving "normal"....

I don't get why No. 1 - he wants to be with me, i am crazy, there are a gazillion NORMAL women, good looking women out there.... and No. 2 - why/how he is still with me....

I'm so stupid.

Comments

Amy said…
Hi Sarah, I've been following your blog for ages but haven't commented yet. I feel the need to say you are not stupid. I too set myself time limits (not intentionally and I wish I wouldn't..but I do) and he knows what he's getting himself in for (well I feel he does). You are not your illness and sometimes our illness talks louder than we do. I'm sure he knows deep down that it was your panic talking. Maybe he just left because he felt you needed a little time or space.

I'm married and I often see my husband struggle with what to do in some situations because every situation is different and we deal with them all a different way (even though a lot of the patterns in the way we deal with it are the same).

Give him the night and give him a call tomorrow and just be honest! I've found that to work the best. Tell him you were panicking and that you really didn't want him to go. I'm sure he'll understand. He's stuck with you in other situations where you've thought he was backing off and he hasn't been. Maybe...just maybe he's a keeper :)
19/07/2009, 07:16
Sarah♥ said…
Hi there and a massive thank you for reading (and now, commenting).

I did send him a message last night explaining that i was feeling anxious and how i needed to set myself a 'time goal'. He was understanding...BUT...i still feel really bloody stupid.

Its so early on in the relatiosnhip and i really would like this to work, but i am showing myself as being more mad than he knows i am...and he DEFINITELY knows i am...lol
19/07/2009, 07:39
Anonymous said…
He sounds as if he could be insecure. Perhaps he isn't 100% sure how you work in Girlfriend Mode yet but that he's scared that, that night, you didn't want him and maybe were using your illness to get rid?

The good thing is - he knows early on what you're like as a girlfriend and not just a friend and if he is unable to cope, it will become obvious early on.

How depressing am I? ;)

He knows a lot about you and I don't know if he would have got involved if he wasn't keen. It isn't as if all this is a surprise to him, but living with agoraphobia is not the same as hearing about it from the sufferer, who often is inclined to make it sound funnier than it actually is.

You are much more than your agoraphobia!
19/07/2009, 10:08
lotte said…
Hey pretty lady.....You are not stupid!!! You are normal and good looking (so why would he want anyone else) and you're not crazy!! I also get stressed when cooking for others (because i want everything to be perfect) and I imagine this is what happened for you as well :)

xx
20/07/2009, 15:11
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