[deep breaths]
..i am trying to keep it together, to not cry, to not dwell on the fact that i have been dumped - again, but it is so fucking hard. So very hard. I don't know for how much longer i can keep it in. I think of things, stupid little things that he did and said, things that made me laugh, because we did laugh ALL THE TIME. I think in the 3 months we were together we watched a MAXIMUM of 3 hours television, if that. We talked. We ate. We had fun together, which is so different to me and arsewipe who use to sit downstairs while i sat upstairs.. We communicated. I liked that...and for all that to end, makes me feel physically sick to the stomach.
I have not slept since last Saturday. I've barely eaten and i was down to 6 stone 6lb this morning, the lowest i have EVER been and that is not good. My BMI is fucking ridiculous. My mother took me to the doctors because i "look too thin" and he said that i have to go back in a month to be weighed again, and if i have not gained the 5kg (11lb) i have lost since March then i am going to have to 'see someone' (go to a clinic!). I think it was a threat...it scared me actually, 'cause even i think i look to thin right now, so i must be bad.
I was *meant* to be going away this weekend with the ex (actually meet him somewhere) but due to the fucking split..that is not happening. I thank God have been able to get my desposit back on one hotel, but i have lost the deposit on the other two but i can't be arsed to worry about it...We were going somewhere which was about 2 and something hours away so it would have been a bloody good acomplishment to do it...but shit happens...A LOT of shit happens to me!!!
I think thats about enough of my crap for now..i am going to go downstairs and have a ciggie...oh yes...i have started smoking again! BAD ME.
Hope everyone is well...♥
I have not slept since last Saturday. I've barely eaten and i was down to 6 stone 6lb this morning, the lowest i have EVER been and that is not good. My BMI is fucking ridiculous. My mother took me to the doctors because i "look too thin" and he said that i have to go back in a month to be weighed again, and if i have not gained the 5kg (11lb) i have lost since March then i am going to have to 'see someone' (go to a clinic!). I think it was a threat...it scared me actually, 'cause even i think i look to thin right now, so i must be bad.
I was *meant* to be going away this weekend with the ex (actually meet him somewhere) but due to the fucking split..that is not happening. I thank God have been able to get my desposit back on one hotel, but i have lost the deposit on the other two but i can't be arsed to worry about it...We were going somewhere which was about 2 and something hours away so it would have been a bloody good acomplishment to do it...but shit happens...A LOT of shit happens to me!!!
I think thats about enough of my crap for now..i am going to go downstairs and have a ciggie...oh yes...i have started smoking again! BAD ME.
Hope everyone is well...♥
Comments
Look at it this way. You were scared of what might happen with your agoraphobia and issues but you gave it a chance. That's a lot more than some people are able to do (umm, me for example). Whatever happened that he turned around and cut you dead like that, well what does that ultimately say about him? Isn't it better to find out now that he wasn't quite as kind and understanding as first thought? I cannot believe that you were so horrible that he doesn't want any more contact. You were trying harder than you ever have to please him, and contemplating doing things that scared you senseless just to be a 'dutiful' girlfriend. Men, they're all romance and flowers to start and no substance long term. (okay sorry, a lot of men). Stuff 'em! If you can't be completely yourself and have the confidence to say no to things that are not your thing, (ie camping) then you can't be comfortable. What is it with a man's ego that he thinks he can solve/cure everything? God forbid we doubt their abilities! Why can't you call him and talk? What kind of person will not allow that? One that you'd be better of not knowing hunny. Jeeze this is tough! :-(
Don't be losing any more weight please! Smoking will be taking pounds off on top of all this stress too. I'm having to live with putting on a stone since I quit last year! Horrid! I can't say I blame you babes. I used to love it but now I have money in my bank account. Oh well, you will stop when you're ready to.
You are being so brave and strong. You have so many qualities and so much kindness and love to give. All I can wonder is that it must be the 'beautiful people' who are the ones who keep on getting hurt.
:-( :-( X X X
I did try with him, so bloody hard, and yes, i can admit MUCH harder than i ever did with Arsewipe, because i knew he cared, but yet i kept push, push, pushing him away until he fucking broke, and went!
He could accept my agoraphobia and panic attacks, they were NOT an issue to him, just the insecurity and lack of trust that was the problem. He called me yesterday out of the blue (i hadn't called him since last Sunday) and he said (in his words) "JUST TO CONFIRM, ITS OVER" and that was it...i tried to respond but all i managed to get out was "Um..but..." then the phone went dead.
I am giving up on men!
You DID try. So really very hard! That's so evident. It's not unremarkable given everything that's been going on in your life lately that you are going to be insecure and he should have realised this and given you space to learn to trust again. You can't just change in such a short space of time, maybe he was asking too much too soon and his ego couldn't take a bit of cautious rejection. That's how it seems from here, (knowing not an awful lot mind you).
Thanks for asking about me :-) Just down too, mainly because I've not even got the courage to talk to a guy in the first place, because I think he'll think badly of me and I'm stopping it before it can even start. Ha ha! Men are the cause of ALL of my woes and troubles past and present. Who knows in future? The happy memories have tortured me too, keep remembering what I'm missing or that he must be having a wonderful time whilst I've been to Hell and back, but brains are selective, they tend to wash over the misery and the faults etc.
I just know you WILL find lasting happiness. You have a huge capacity to make people like you and so much love to give. When the right man comes along at the right time. Anyone who rings you to rub salt in the wounds then hangs up, honestly, what kind of sick game is that? Urgh! MEN!!!!!
Love to you gorgeous woman Xxx
Don't think that you wont get those things again though.. the having a laugh, eating together, your agoraphobia not being a problem etc, there will be another guy who will be just as much fun to be with, just as accepting etc, but will be less harsh Im sure!
What did you do that was so bad to warrant him being so mean, jees! :( That wasn't nice at all.
If there was something important that you wanted to say during your phone call and you REALLY want to say it, then maybe write him an email (I hate having things unsaid, that 'I wish Id have said that at the time' feeling), just explain you want no reply but that you needed to say your side of things.. But failing that I would try your best to forget him iykwim (I know you can't forget over night, thats not exactly how I mean it!).
Dirty dancing (the film I mean!), dairy milk and maybe a glass of wine and a nice bath.. girlie stuff. It usually helps :)
Hugs xx.