BEING SARAH.......

Where do i start? There is trouble in the C/W household. Last night we were watching Come dine with me, as you do - on a Sunday night, happy as "Larry" - then all hell was let loose. My BF text his bro asking him the name of that very expensive brand of food mixer...anyway...to cut a very long story short, my BF's brother, appears to have a MAJOR problem with me, despite never meeting me. Apparently its all because we split up - 12 weeks ago - and then got back together..., yes people, we have been together nearly 6 months now... i can't believe it....anyway....my gorgeous boyfriend took MAJOR offense to this and this morning in my house, it's been WW3, NOT between me and him, but between him and his brother.

I had to do shopping today, a big shop...grocery shopping. Bloody hell - Sainsburys in my town are having a re-fit. What a mess... I went in on my own with a shopping list of about 20 things, perhaps a few more, anyway - normally that would have taken me about 15 minutes, today 45. I couldn't find anything, EVERYTHING has moved. Ugh! Talk about annoying. Doesn't make an agoraphobic happy, let me tell you. I did it okay - no panic, just pissed off...

For 3 days i have had a crappy (just there) headache, the kind that won't go with the help of painkillers... My boyfriend was off sick earlier in the week with a bad headache/sore throat, so it's possible that i have contracted his disease...lol. However, this morning, headache still here and my sinuses are throbbing and so are my teeth, it ALWAYS effects my teeth. I have no sniffy nose/sore throat, nor am i sneezing and i don't have a fever either. Just general lethergy and head pain... Just feeling crap! However - Christmas is coming :) Christmas tree goes up on the 1st....pictures WILL follow....

It was awful. We walked from the car through the shopping centre and i was telling my mother i didn't feel well and that i couldn't get to M & S, so she grudgingly turned round and we started walking back to the car. But for a moment i thought, i am going to try this, so back we went toward M & S. Baring in mind, mum wanted food, so its right at the back of the store... We got stuck in the go-slow queue and panic hit me. I HAD TO GET OUT, but mum wouldn't leave her food at the till - so we stood there, actually, i was dancing around like some fool. The checkout women was staring as if i was effing mad. I knew it was a bad idea to go to M & S - i was shaking...i felt sick, bad, awful - BUT....i managed to just about stay there...and i didn't die and i didn't vomit and who cares that the women thought i was mad...

HAD ENOUGH. FUCKING TIRED OF LIVING LIKE A RECLUSE. TOO SCARED TO LIVE. TOO SCARED TO FIGHT. TOO SCARED TO DO ANYTHING. FEAR HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE FOR 11 YEARS. I CANNOT FIGHT IT. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I LET PEOPLE DOWN ON A DAILY BASIS WITH THIS STUPID ILLNESS. I DIDN'T ASK TO BE THIS WAY, BUT I AM CONSTANTLY JUDGED BECAUSE OF IT. WHAT DID I DO SO BAD TO DESERVE TO HAVE A LIFE LIKE THIS? WHAT DID ANY OF US DO? THIS IS FUCKING SHIT. AND I CANNOT DO IT ANY MORE. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! THIS IS SHIT...THIS IS HELL.

So..this morning, my sweet little dog came into season and MY panic is over. Thing is, i kind of feel...not disappointed, but i suppose being so many days late i had resigned to the fact that pregnancy was a real possibility. In other news...OMFG! The "plan" is to stay at my boyfriends on Christmas Eve, where i will finally meet, both his brothers (and partners) and his mother. I feel anxious just thinking about it. We would have been together for 6 months by then, so i think the time is right and definitely not something that we have rushed into. Meeting the parent/s (sadly his father died 10 years ago), is a big deal, and i am nothing like his ex...so i don't know whether they are going to like me...or think i am right for him - i am really nervous. Stinky will be there, so i do have something familiar around me. MORE NEWS...Stinky is finally getting to 'meet' HIS biological father. Recently he's be asking a few questions about him and i don't know what...

Still "nothing" to report. At what stage do i start to worry? I've got really bad pains sitting over my left ovary but no generalised period pain, like i could get. To be honest, i don't for a second think i am pregnant, just the absence of my period is causing concern. I'm feeling altogether shit today :(

Lets bloody hope so. For this past week i have peed for Britian, i feel sick unless i am gorging (really bad cravings for sweet stuff), i never usually eat in the day, i am knackered, dizzy, headachey and generally feeling blah. My boobs have that awful feeling like they do just before you'd breast feed, any mothers out there will know what i mean, that chronic tingling... Perhaps i'm worrying that bloody pill didn't work.... :( I am due anytime now...lets hope we see some activity really soon...

I am due my first period since the morning after pill - and frigging hell am i in pain! Usually (since i had Stinky) i no longer get bad cramps, just a headache, but today...OMG - it hurts :(

No. 1 - It's 11.30pm and my neighbour has her washing machine going. It has been on since...oh...8.30 (multiple loads me thinks), anyway...her kitchen is DIRECTLY UNDER MY FRIGGING BEDROOM - meaning - my bed is shaking from the fucking machine spin, and to be honest, it sounds like shit and that its just about to break. CHOOSE YOUR WASH TIMES BETTER! And no, she isn't on economy 7 either!!!!!!! It is getting on my nerves now. No. 2 - STRESSED (hence title). I have just spent the last hour and something minutes with my boyfriend telling me about i am not pushing myself. Don't get me wrong, its definitely not in the same was as my arsehole ex use to do it, because there is no, "I will finish with you if you don't do this/do that." He was saying, which i do agree with, that i don't push myself enough and that i am too lazy when it comes to doing exactly that. And yes he is right. I recently left a comment on Roberts blog and like i have said a gazillion times...

I am going to have a rant here. We were watching the ten o'clock news last night and there was a REPORT on there about a women who'd left her FOUR young children alone (between the ages of 3 months and 4 years) while she went on a 24 HOUR drink and drug bender. Okay, so i am a far from perfect mother, but fuck me....WHAT THE HELL???? 3 months old? They showed footage from inside the house where the children had moved chairs to search for food...it makes me SO mad. There are thousands of women out there desperate for children, try so hard going through IVF...and end up unsuccessful, but then you have this fucking pathetic excuse of a mother who does this. UGH! I am MAD. These kind of women do not deserve to have children...ANYWHERE NEAR HER! Her punishment - NOTHING. Walked free. What kind of example is being set? The law thinks its okay for this to happen? Okay, so the children are now being cared for by the grandparents...but the WOMEN - lock the bitch up.

...Ruby Wax!!!!!! I've had the most unbelievable day. I was interviewed again by Ruby Wax, but this time at my mothers house. It's a follow up to my last interview that took place over Skype back in February...kind of a...."What happened next". She was very down to earth, held my hand all the time...made me feel comfortable. We went out to the park first of all near my mothers house and then we took it to a park in town where i had to see how far i could go. To get into the park itself was a fair distance from the flipping car, so i was well out of my comfort zone before we even started. I did start getting anxious at one point, but it was controlable. Had a bloody marvelous day....boyfriend was there with me....all was good :) ...AND....do you you want to know the BEST bit? I have PAUL MCKENNA'S number in one hand...and Rubys in the other :) :) :)

Big thumbs up to Levonelle 1500. I had NO side effects, not one...not a single twinge until exactly 12 hours after i took it where i started to get excruciating stomach cramps, i remember labour feeling very similar. I was doubled over in pain for an hour, then it stopped... then it started again... then it stopped... then it started AGAIN - you get the picture? Still no bleed, but that is not uncommon...so i am just waiting. I felt super nauseous yesterday and this morning especially, but thankfully nothing more now than some period pains. Thank goodness that is over. Good news also...my face, is finally healing.........BUT.......i have a very large scar on my nose. Thumbs down .

I opted to really go mad and *try* Levonelle 1500 instead of the coil. The thought of having a little piece of copper rammed up through my vagina/cervix to my womb really didn't make me happy, not even thinking about the pain AND the fact it can lower your heart rate and make you faint whilst being done (apparently, so my doctor informed me, that the cervical muscles are the same as the heart muscles and can effect it). So i called my doctor last night and explained that i was not happy with my decision and he gave me the pills. Although it was about 35 hours since the "accident" happened, i am still a good 85% clear of it working. My boyfriend collected the pill and brought it too me, like the angel that he is. I held it in my hand and my heart raced, i thought it was going to jump out of my body...i WAS scared of what would happen, obviously. Pills aren't my thing. I swallowed it...that was 8 hours ago. I've felt cramping...a little neauseous at times...b...

((Okay, so this may just be too much information, but i am still going to type this!)) At approximately 2.01am this morning, my gorgeous boyfriend and i had (as the doctor so nicely put it) as sheath malfunction, aka...fucking condom broke on my most fertile day...how bloody typical is that???? I HATE condoms and my reason...they are shite, and this morning i was yet again, proven right! I had an emergency appointment at 10.40 to weigh up my options (which i went with my boyfriend to, he took me - yay!!!). Morning after pill...don't think so. Last time i had that i was so poorly and decided i never wanted to go through that again, my only other option...the IUD! GREAT! Not happy about that at all...but it will sort me out, plus no more condom worries. While i was there..i was swabbed, again! Seriously, do i look like some dirty ho? I was only done about 4 months ago. {actually, as i sit and type this i am feeling more and more ill. headache, runny nose...fabulous} What els...

This is now getting beyond a bloody joke. My face is still hideous. The 'wounds' (and i WILL call them that because they are just like gapping wounds) are still there and if not worse and to add to it, i have another THREE! That is FIVE disgusting holes in my face. I am trying ever so hard not to look at them, but when you know they are there...i can't not. It's the continuing vicious cycle of.... teeny tiny spot > pick > make worse > pick to make better > even worse ... i just don't know what else to do.

Is anyone out there? I am going fucking insane.

What really makes one feel special is when they are wished dead. Because i called my mother to tell her that i was feeling really down, after she got off the phone my step father said "I wish she was gone" my mum asked him what he meant, did he mean dead and he said "YES". Nice.

My body dysmorphia is effecting me more than my panic and agoraphobia. I am SO depressed with myself. I can't do anything, because i don't want anyone to see me. This is hell. My life is hell.

I couldn't resist - HOW FLIPPING CUTE IS MY SLEEPING PUP!?

From this... To this...in 4 months. REALLY trying to grow it. I've had it cut twice by my gorgeous boyfriend...not that i wanted it done because I AM TRYING TO GROW IT! Seems a little...um...stupid to keep cutting off the length...but anyway...it's getting longer. What i did forget is that when you grow it, it goes through those horrid stages of it looking shite...i was PAST that stage, but then i was ordered to have it cut...so i am right back there again! Ugh. Poop.

NB. I have cream on my nose covering up the hideousness.... :)

..technically, shes not a puppy anymore, but because she's so tiny...she's like a little pup. Being smaller than ALL my cats....she's just lovely. I LOVE HER! I had her groomed last week, so she looks all nice, clean and tidy....i seriously am so in love with her...i can totally understand how 'people' treat their dogs like children...Bluebell is the little girl i never had.... :) Couldn't resist another....