BEING SARAH.......

Thursday/Friday....NOTHING! (but should be sorting out my room) Saturday/Sunday...CAMPING in rural Suffolk Monday...NOTHING Tuesday...Appointments WEDNESDAY.....MY BIRTHDAY. Shopping/out for dinner Thursday...Sorting out room Friday...Sorting out room Saturday...Party/BBQ Sunday...Boyfriends Mum's AND taking out furniture Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday...Bedroom being done Thursday/Friday....Furniture being delivered. Busy, busy, busy! Cannot wait to go camping this weekend. Stink is coming too, he's so excited. I bought him a sleeping bag today and blow up bed. My fella has got an 8 person tent, so i think it should be big enough. We're going with 2 couples and maybe a women and her son, don't know for sure. It's basically in the middle of nowhere, about an hour away from here. The weather is meant to be lovely, so that's good news. It's like a "birthday" weekend for me....

MY BOY! SO HANDSOME AND GROWN UP!

So i called up my mother yesterday and was all happy from what i had done during the day, but i got little to no reaction. So i called off. A little later i phoned again, and again i got the same response. No "Well done" nothing like that, in fact, she was more preoccupied with the fact that Stink wanted his hair cut and she likes it slightly longer! That conversation was a struggle, she barely spoke to me. This morning i speak to my sister to see if mum was in an okay mood with her and she said that yes, she was fine. 10 minutes ago, my sister called me back after having a chat with mum. Apparently, my mother is feeling no longer needed. I don't call her as much any more (NB. If you knew the hassle it is to call my mother. A) She never has her mobile on. B) If you call and she's still at work you are confronted with tuts and sighs from my step father, like i shouldn't be calling - no win situation). I can kind of understand that this could be an emoti...

Stinky had a day off today (teacher training), so we all went out....and *I* went swimming, to a swimming pool....10 years since i've done that. I was so embarrassed though, i'm not good in baring my body to the general public, in fact i fucking hated it. I felt fat and disgusting beyond belief. Anyway....pictures of my day are here :)

..I just got in - it's 2am!!! Get me.

..hell just frozen over, pigs flying in the air....? Holy moly. I am gobsmacked, speechless and flabbergasted. What has happened? Just chatting to my (absent) father. He wanted to ask me (9 weeks late) how my knee was. Further on in the conversation, he asks about Stinky, i say he's fine and that he just had two days at his new senior school. Then, out of the blue, my father says... "CAN I BUY HIS UNIFORM?" WTF? Little does he know that altogether (not including new coat/bag/and pencil case stuff), it is going to be about £230. There is a VERY strict uniform ruling at this school and are many compulsory items that the children have to have, including black socks. I've sent him a list including the prices as from the uniform shop so he knows i'm not taking the piss. My father has never done anything like this for me - ever! Anyway, back to Stinkys school. They are very tough. I like it. They have point system there. So if the children look scruffy, have no tie/blaz...

(INSERT SARAH'S ANGRY FACE HERE) Why is it, after almost 12 years my step father is still so ignorant to my illness? This afternoon i asked my mother if she could take me to Stinkys new school tomorrow night at 7pm because there is a welcome parents evening. If it wasn't for the fact that Stinkys dad has no car and my fella is working until 7 then cutting hair until 9, i would have gone with either of them, but i can't so i ask my mum, BUT...my STUPID step father says "WHY DON'T YOU WALK THERE?". It's way too far for me to walk on my own, simple. I wouldn't even try, it's just too far. I am so pissed off with the stupid comments he makes. He has NO idea about agoraphobia OR panic attacks.

..because i like these things.. ;) •01 My earliest memory is ... Being in a very steamy hospital room at a very young age with whooping cough. •02 My school report usually said ... ... Talks too much, can't concentrate. •03 When I was a child I wanted to work for ... ... I wanted to be a nurse. •04 My worst job ever was ... ... Ripping masking tape off pieces of wood that had been glued together. I did it for ONE day. •05 My first romance ... ... Alan B. My next door neighbour. •06 My most treasured possession is ... ... I love everything i own. Obviously my emerald cut 1.5ct diamond ring would be high up there... ;) •07 My mother always told me ... ... Wipe yourself when you pee, in case you get knocked over. •08 I've never been any good at ... ... Dancing/singing... •09 If my life were made into a movie I'd be played by ...... There is no one like me. Short/flat tits/ugly... •10 I wish I had ... ... a mum and dad who lived together. •11 I wish I hadn't ... ... Let my ...

The progress i have made over the last few months is all down to him and the way he accepts me TOTALLY, NO PRESSURE!! My illness, agoraphobia, panic attacks - none of it is a problem. He doesn't like to hear me hating on myself, saying how disgusting i am, when he loves me like he does, quite literally warts 'n' all!!! When i first got with him, i couldn't even get down to the shop which is like 2 minutes in the car, if that. I couldn't go round the big roundabout near me, which is even closer. I couldn't get to his straight away. That took 8 weeks+ and even then it was touch and go for a while. Now, i am panic free getting to his. I can go to the supermarket with him. I can walk into town from his, i DO still struggle walking any distances with him, but it'll come. As you know, HE took me to the hospital for my operation, i've been to his mothers, i went to the theater, stayed away for the weekend in a hotel, been to the cinema, Salsa dancing, the food...

PICTURES HERE!!!!

Had the best day. We drove to the middle of nowhere to a garden centre. I reckon we stayed for well over an hour...and i was fine. NO ANXIETY! It feels brilliant to be finally able to get out of my town with someone other than my mother and not have to worry about panicking. I am thrilled with the progress i am (slowly) making...

It's going to be ALL white. White walls, white blinds, white furniture, white bed, DARK WOOD FLOORING and then hopefully buy 2 really large bright coloured canvases, one for above my bed and the other above where the chest of drawers will be....

I'm having my bedroom redecorated at the end of July! I am SO happy. I decorated it 5 years ago, when i had a friend stay over from America, and it's not been touched since. I have one of those 'stupid' red feature walls, which looks lovely, but too dark for this small room and cream carpet, which i have fucked up. Sooo...i am having my "sliderobe" fitted into the alcove, new wood flooring and he's painting it for me too. All i need to do is buy a chest of drawers, 2 new bed side tables and a bedstead. I know i am going to go (or hoping to go) high white gloss furniture and maybe a pewter bedstead, either that or just white. Walls are going to be white apart from one, which i am yet to decide between pale pink, pale green, a pale grey, OR - if you have any ideas of a feature wall colour in a very small space - let me know :) I want it to be very bright in here with the duvet cover/runner to make up with the lack of colour elsewhere. EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT ONE PAIR... NOT TWO PAIRS... ...BUT THREE PAIRS!!!

That was fun. Head in cage. Ear plugs in (NO music). 45 minutes of laying still - for someone who can't stop moving, that was a challenge in itself!!! Roughly 30 minutes in my mouth was dry, i had to have a drink. I pressed the " emergency " button and they were straight in there, like a shot. I had a sip of my drink and laid back down - away we went for the rest of the scan. Bottom line is - I DID IT! I have cancelled SO many brain scans over the years, in fact, once i got there, laid on the bed, head in cage and i was only slid in a bit, just couldn't cope with it. I think mentally improvements ARE happening. Slooooooowly , but still - who cares, right? Something IS better than nothing. Cannot wait for tomorrows colpscopy now... whoop! It's does mean (much to my disappointment), i have a 3 hour wait between hospital appointments, so a little bit of retail therapy will have to happen! Such a shame..... ;)

After many many years of having an "anyone can read" blog, it's now time to make it private. I will keep this post up until the 1st July when i'll make the change over. So for the next few weeks i will keep on blogging but keep them as drafts until i am private. If anyone wants to continue to read - please email me on beingsarahc@aol.com and i will invite you nearer the time. I thank all my followers from the bottom of my heart, you're all very special to me and without your support, i don't know what i would have done. Sometimes people in the real world - just don't get it....but you do! Thank you again... Miss Sarah xxxxx

AS OF THE 1ST JULY 2010 I AM GOING TO MAKE MY BLOG PRIVATE. IT WILL BE INVITE ONLY. SO IF YOU READ AND WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE TO READ PLEASE EMAIL ME AT BEINGSARAHC@AOL.COM .

Apart from today, where i am trying my hardest to do stuff. So far, i've been on the phone, a lot, done 35 minutes of exercises (thumbs up), had friend round for coffee (thumbs up), bleached my bathroom (thumbs up), painted the bath panel (thumbs up) - and now, i have to start cleaning (thumbs down!). Tomorrow i have my brain/spine MRI scan. Not bothered. Also got someone coming round to quote me on a new wardrobe. I have a big wasted alcove space in my bedroom and a 'sliderobe' would be fantastic in there!!!! Wednesday - Doing usual Wednesday things. Thursday - 11am Colposcopy, followed by 3pm knee follow up. Friday - NOTHING! So that's it, for now... :)

..(yesterday) since my boyfriend and i had our first date. ONE YEAR!

Exercises done, although i am feeling ever-so-slighty ugly today, so no picture!

..can i possibly move my pup? She's so comfy laying right in the middle of my legs... Bless her. She had a haircut on Wednesday, so she is looking all lovely again :)

Exercise Routine... 100 Star jumps 50 Reps on each arm with 10kg weights *30 Sit-ups *30 Oblique sit ups *30 Reverse curls (*these are done in sucsession within 5 minutes - i can manage 4 sets of each) 100 Leg Raises (and the fun part) 20 minutes of dancing round my bedroom :) I actually alternate the *'s by doing 500 sit ups every 2 days. To be honest the *'s are by far more beneficial and you can see results quicker!!!!

It starts today. I did 45 minutes of various exercises. My main problem are my legs and bum, although the stomach could do with a little more toning. Arms are doing okay still.

Last Friday i spent a total of 6 hours planting/weeding/mowing/cutting things back.... i did the lot. It was hard work, but i *think* when things start to grow, it'll look good.

(secretly hoping that there will be something *seriously* wrong with me, then i wouldn't have to live anymore)

(secretly hoping that there will be something *seriously* wrong with me, then i wouldn't have to live anymore)

I love the Summer but i also HATE the Summer. I love it because it's (obviously) hot.... I love being able to have doors and windows open, i LOVE doing my garden and i love sitting outside in the evening round friends houses.... BUT.... I hate it too. I hate seeing females walking around in their skimpy shorts, with their perfect legs out, minus cellulite. I hate seeing females with their low cut tops and their tits bouncing all over the place, i hate knowing that all that i hate excites my fella. I hate being me. I hate having scars all over my chest so everything i wear has to come to collar bone height. I hate having to wear LONG shorts to cover my vile cellulite ridden legs. I hate being flat chested. I hate having all the scars on my face. I hate being ugly. I fucking HATE being me. Roll on winter i say..... I feel really depressed.

... abnormal fucking cells again! Ugh. Back to have ANOTHER colposcopy ! And actually i am really pissed off.....why? I'll tell you why. I've had several smear tests come back with abnormal cells before and i've been down this whole colposcopy route 2/3 times already. My last smear test (before this one) was June last year and i was told to come back in THREE years....yes, THREE years! It's only because i've been bleeding through the month and after sex that i took myself off to be checked. Good fucking job i did really.... I am annoyed and really fucking pissed off that nothing, NOTHING ever goes right for me...

After 5 years of sleeping hell (a mattress where you can feel EVERY spring) today, in approximately 2 hours i am having a brand new memory foam one delivered. OMFG - How fabulous. Praying for a good nights sleep tonight, otherwise, SHIT WILL HIT THE FAN as it was my boyfriends 'super' idea. "Oh Sarah, i know what you can buy, get a new mattress, i don't like yours..." "Okay lovely, whatever you want lovely.... Do you want me to bend over now lovely?"

Yes my lovelies , i made it to the theater - how effing amazing is that? NO ANXIETY...and i drove home on the M11, late at night..... The show was brilliant...thoroughly enjoyed myself. PICTURES HERE! What was also interesting is that there was a girl who sat next to me....i noticed something. She seemed very on edge, almost anxious. Then i saw something, she was checking her pulse on one wrist and then on the other. This behaviour continued throughout the show, every few minutes. At one point she was even checking a pulse in her leg. I felt reassured that i was not the only "anxious" person there :)