BEING SARAH.......

...bloody hell, these actresses may be beautiful...BUT...they are so freaking dull. Michelle Williams is currently in First Place for being the most boring.

....laughed my arse off!!!! Unfortunately what you can't see in this picture is that i have coloured my eyebrows in really thick and given myself a moustache, its a shame since Gertrudes goatee is very noticeable.

Flipping heck, i am losing my blogging touch - to be honest, i can't be arsed....nothing really to say, however, i will spill it now because i have nothing better to do with my Sunday afternoon. I've had 5 weeks of hypnotherapy and in those 5 weeks i have not felt as shit as i have done this last 2-3 weeks for bloody ages. So IS IT WORKING? Who the heck knows? I've barely left the house. I have been super depressed. And what makes it worse, is that i am PAYING to get better. The irony! My last session was called 'Parts therapy', you should Google it rather than me trying to explain the concept. But i can say it was really interesting. Did i feel better after my session? Of course i didn't, i felt terrible.....like i wanted to self harm (but didn't). Today i have left the house. Can i hear a "Woo hoo"? Me and the BF went round his, then over to his friends for a cuppa, then onto our normal stop in Sainsburys....back to mine......

From my 'The Secret' daily email update YESTERDAY i get this.... .. "How do I stop my negative thoughts?" - is a question that I have been asked many times. If you have ever asked this question then you will feel such enormous relief in knowing the answer, because it is so simple. How do you stop negative thoughts? You plant good thoughts! When you try to stop negative thoughts, you are focusing on what you don't want - negative thoughts - and you will attract an abundance of them. They can never disappear if you are focused on them. The "stop" part is irrelevant - the negative thoughts are your focus. It doesn't matter if you are trying to stop negative thoughts or control them or push them away, the result is the same. Your focus is on negative thoughts, and by the law of attraction you are inviting more of them to you. The truth is always simple and it is always easy. To stop negative thoughts, just plant good thoughts! Deliberately plant good...

My 'little' boy is no longer little. He has the voice of a man....he MOANS like a man, he (omg) shaves like a man, he (on the odd occasion) smells like a man (yes, i have introduced him to antiperspirant), he has the appetite of a man (although he's lost A LOT of weight), he has the same size feet as a man,.... but.....bottom line, he will ALWAYS ALWAYS be my little boy ;) He wanted a new profile picture for his Facebook, it took us an hour to get ONE decent one where he wasn't pulling a daft face, AND, he had FIVE changes of tops.... Obviously got his mother's genes where it comes to not feeling happy about having a photo taken. LOVE HIM!! ..oh, oh, oh, i forgot to mention we had our first senior school parents evening. Over the moon mother, i think i am. It was brilliant. He has already met the end of year grades in 2 subjects and we definitely make the others before July. English and Geography are his strong points.... His behaviour is spot on, his conce...

I am wearing, green H & M hoodie, White Billabong T-Shirt, Gap jeans (forgot i had these) and my faithful blue Converse boots. All ready for shopping....in the pouring rain. I've got NO make up on, nor have i made the effort to do my hair, well...what's the point when its raining as heavy as it is, it'll only go super frizzy....lol

So todays therapy session was all to do with trying to get rid of the things that have hurt me in the past...ie. My dad leaving, granny dying, bullying....you know the stuff. Basically i was put into deep relaxation and all those bad things i had to visualise as pages of a book. When talking about my dad leaving, i had to see that on a page of a book, gradually fading to nothing, then ripping out the page and screwing it up into a ball and putting in a paper bag. I did this for each thing that bothered me from my past..... Then i was told to open a cupboard and in that cupboard was a shoot, that lead down to an incinerator, i then threw the bag with all the badness in, down the shoot to be burnt. Gone. Badness is no more......???? So tonight just now, i am lying in bed, it's nearly 11pm and the thought of the bullies popped into my head, and instead of the usual bright vivid colours that i normally see when thinking about that time of my life, i saw it all blurry, couldn...

I absolutely LOVE this *CAMI TOP* from Monsoon, but for £78 , i'm going to have to seriously think about it.....SERIOUSLY think about it... ;)

...i bought 'The Secret' app for my phone this morning and i kid you not, THIS was the first teaching...it's spooooky..... ;) "If you feel bad about your body, that is a powerful feeling, and you continue to attract bad about your body. You will never change you body if you are critical of it and find fault with it, and in fact, you will attract more weight to you. Praise and bless every square inch of your body. Think about all the perfect things about you. As you think perfect thoughts, as you feel good about you, you are on the frequency of your perfect weight and you are summoning perfection."

CLICK HERE and read some of the most amazing stories of 'The Law of Attraction'.....

Up super early this morning. My boyfriend and i went for a LONG walk around the park. Flipping heck it was freezing cold. Windy too. I do love him, he pushes me every time and i do it. He kept saying, just a little further, or, go to that bench...and instead of saying a flat out no, i had a little tantrum and carried on, SO glad i did!!! Then we had lunch out, me, eating lunch out.... can't believe i am writing this stuff. Doesn't seem to be possible. I drove home and now we're back, ready for a relaxing night!

After yesterdays session, my therapist also told me to grab a copy of the book "The Secret" which LUCKILY i already had upstairs in my bedroom. I did try and read it when i first got it and didn't seem to get very far. I started reading it last night at 11pm and i have just finished it - and OH MY GOODNESS, what an amazing book. Usually me and books like that don't gel, i'm more of a 'easy reading' type of person, but honestly this sucked me right in. Everything that i read in it, i just got. Basically i can sum it up quite nicely, and very easily. You attract, like for like. So for example, if you thinking bad things about someone despite whether or not they've been disrespectful to you, you'll get more of that kind of negativity back. If you worry about bills, then needless to say, you'll attract more. You have to behave in a way like you have an abundance of money/good health/happiness - and then, YOU WILL GET IT! Sounds too good t...

I don't know if i mentioned this or not but i am currently paying for private hypnotherapy sessions. Today was my 3rd, it was very interesting because what was said made perfect sense. How am i EVER going to get well when i hate myself so much? I've got to stop feeling so down about my looks (easier said than done), stop feeling like a failure in ALL areas of my life, stop taking the blame for things that don't even concern me, stop worrying about my relationship, stop feeling like i am worthless/pathetic/ a loser...and lastly, STOP LETTING PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT! ANY IDEA'S HOW I AM MEANT TO DO THIS....PLEASE COMMENT!

...about the same as i did around the 3 - 5 year mark into my marriage, which saddens me. What i am doing in THIS relationship, it's not right. I KNOW it's wrong. I KNOW it's going no where. I KNOW all this.....but yet again, i am in the same situation where i am in love, but i am scared. There is SO much more to his life, for him to do and i just can't do it. I am too sick. I am so unwell with my fears at the moment, i'm not good for anything, especially remaining in a relationship that has no future. I don't feel secure and most agoraphobic/fear/anxiety sufferers will know that security is very important, and i don't/will not have that. I'm so unhappy - unbelievably panicky...and basically shitting myself for what my NON future holds. I am beginning to believe that i am one of those girls, who just picks fellas who don't really like me..., or don't want to commit...excellent!

I've been consumed with horrible thoughts today. Really bad. Is there really no way out of this for me? If not, what the fuck is the point to any of it? I have been trying SO hard...doing things, going places....trying my hardest to overcome this, but i don't want this to be my life. I don't want to live like this anymore..and i cannot possibly do any more than i already am!!!! So down. So unhappy. So fed up.

I just feel crap today. It feels like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Yesterday, i caught out my boyfriend. He had lied to me about something SO stupid....but when he realised that i knew what he said was a lie, he went...a little....mental. Fact is - HE FELT STUPID that i'd realised that he had lied to me! Who's fault is that? Not mine. So, in my head i am thinking "If he lied to me about that, what the fuck else does he lie about?" I trust(ed) this man....but....there are TWO things i asked for out of our relationship, right from the beginning, and that was HONESTLY and FIDELITY. Now what? I am NOT being lied to, i'd rather him lie about a BIG thing rather than something so fucking stupid..... I won't discuss this with him, because he'll get all defensive and it'll will only end up bad. Fed up. Pissed off. Hurt. Annoyed.

I went in to town this morning, but when i get home, i change out of my outside clothes and get comfy! I'm wearing a French Connection t-shirt and some rather questionable H & M black joggers that have shrunk in the wash..... Do i care? Nah..... HAPPY SATURDAY. I have exercises to do :(

Okay - so here i am wearing a Zara denim jacket, white long sleeved t-shirt top from Next. Brown leather belt (circa 1970), grey combats from Topshop, tan Wrangler boots (that have also been ruined from my working days at the pub). My scarf is from River Island....of course R.I had to appear in my outfit somewhere!! I've got on my OLD blue hoodie from H & M, i forgot i had this one. White t-shirt with star pattern from TopShop under hoodie. Brown belt (as before). River Island jeans (forgot i had these ones too, i am terrible!!!) and my light grey Converse shoes. Love them!

I have been divorced a year. A YEAR. How time flies. I thought i'd check on MY DIVORCE DIARY BLOG to see if any comments had been left and reading through i noticed that yes in fact, my divorce was final 27.1.10. How could i forget? However, skimming over old posts, i'm crying. CRYING FOR WHAT? Goodness knows. Crying because i lost a really good man? Crying because he was so nice to me? Crying because no one would ever treat me as well as he did? Fuck knows. But i'm crying. I was crazy in love with him. Am i still in love with him? Doubtful. But it still hurts to know i was abandoned like i was. It's crap.