BEING SARAH.......

...than having a panic attack...? Having a panic attack at 12.30am - when you're all alone and you're freaking out because you can't fucking breath!

Went to the doctors, i have acute sinusitis, laryngitis AND an upper respiratory infection... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

..and for my next trick, i will develop Laryngitis.... and my left sinus cavity in my cheek is on fire (along with my left nostril)..... Holy moly this hurts. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! IT!

..don't know where to start. I'm still sick, in fact, i am worse. Not only has my cough got worse (getting 2nd lot of antibiotics today), but i am aching so much. Throat, ears, head, legs....arms.... everywhere. But this is the least of my problems. Christmas Eve. The boyfriend came over, i can't really remember what had happened, but he was drunk and stormed off up to bed and i was left downstairs feeling ill - i think i got to bed about 6am, only to be up at 7... Christmas Day. He went off to do family stuff and i was feeling terrible still then he got the arse ache because i felt ill. At 2 we went round to my neighbours for drinks and at 3 we were picked up to go round to my sisters. It was a nice afternoon actually, however i still felt shitty. Got home at 8, my ex came round to see the boy and the BF again drank too much and this time pissed me right off as he tripped and spilt RED WINE all over my white walls... ..but i was the bad one for over-rea...

From the boyfriend... A microwave... Mine broke. A onesie. 2 tins of biscuits Take That Progress tour DVD Nighty Night DVD Diamond studs Cheese... Black Bomber, my favourite. The Secret daily teachings book. Mark Wright calender From the mother . A set of my favourite Vichy face products. DKNY perfume. A book. Earrings Tin of biscuits And 2 boxes of cheesey snack things.. (and money to buy paint with... that i haven't got yet) Mark Wright Calender Anne Geddes Calender My sister. A book. Bracelett Ring A 'Keep calm and carry on' canvas. The ex husband Picture. A Chinese lady money box £75 River Island vouchers. My son... 5 pieces of make-up... :) My dad. 2 pieces of La Roche Possay face products. ...and some other little bits and bobs that i can't remember.

NHS iPhone app, these are the details....... Not too shabby, i'm happy with that!!! Nearly 9 days no smoking, don't even fancy one..... GO ME!!!! I have no idea where that £30+ is though... i'm no richer... :(

Hope everyone had a good Christmas... BUT... Oh my goodness... To all those who read my blog on CHRISTMAS DAY - What were you thinking??? Our day was okay. I will write more later, but right now, i'm cooking dinner and puppy-sitting for my sister, too much fun!

What a lovely surprise i received this morning from.... Fiona. Oh my gosh.. I am so happy (despite still being SO ill).... Thank you lovely - You are fabulous and didn't need to do this for me.... ♥

I'm still sick.  Still got a bad chest infection.  Still coughing up a lung every five minutes.  Still feel like i've been run over by a bus (x 1,000,000).  Not the best run up to Christmas Day, but i don't care to be honest.   The problem i am having (as well as coughing ALL THE EFFING TIME), is when you're taking antibiotics (erythromycin) /cough medicine (Covonia)/pain relief(Co-Codamol) and throat lozenges (Strepsils) it has a very bad negative effect on the digestive system causing huge amounts of pain and i have had a constant stomach ache since Tuesday :( Anything else interesting? Yes and no.  I had an assessment done for my mental health.. and it turns out i am suffering with 'Clinical Depression'.  I am really not doing well mentally at all and i am scared, scared because i am struggling with nasty horrible thoughts, and i can't just ignore them. I was in the bath today, mid day, really strange time to bathe, but i was hurtin...

Took me AGES to get the animals all looking the same way!!!   Bella, Bluebell and Blossom.

My BF has just walked out on me after a conversation about Christmas.  I am so fucking depressed, is it any wonder i am not looking forward to it?  I have NOTHING in my life that i am looking forward to.  Every-single-day is a constant battle with pains/depression/agoraphobia/panic/self loathing.... etc, etc.  My mother had the biggest go at me today telling me i look 'Hideous' which i love.... I am fed the fuck up with everything. ...and i self harmed.  Have no other way to express my emotions.  I am fucked.  Proper fucked in the head.

...we're getting to Christmas, the more anxious i am getting.   There are so many things that i hate about Christmas i couldn't possibly be arsed to start listing them all.   When i say i am getting anxious about Christmas, i REALLY am.  The whole thing from start to finish fills me with utter dread.  The fact that i have got to stay round the BF's when i've barely left the house in weeks is scaring me.  The fact that we've got to go visiting, again, when i've hardly been out, that's making me anxious too.  I hate the whole family get-together part too.  My family, doesn't get on too well... there is ALWAYS a row, always, always, always, and i find that really hard to deal with... And on top of ALL this, i am fucking ill... Coughing my lungs up.  I sound like a seal barking... it's not good.  The medicine that i am taking isn't working, so hopefully the antibiotics will.  I'm just completely pissed off and dreadfully miserable at the mom...

... I have a chest infection... Lovely!  Feel.Like.Shit.

...next year, NOT to go Christmas shopping a week before Christmas.  Fricking MADNESS!!!!  I am exhausted... mentally and physically.... Plus, my mother OFFERED to purchase me the Michael Kors watch that i wanted as well as help me with the decorating.... but i said "no"..... Shedding a few tears here... :(

I feel like hell and have done for so long now. It feels like my entire body hurts, shoulders, ribs, back, head, wrists, knees, legs... everything hurts... Now. One good thing is that all my blood tests are fine, so that's a positive thing... BUT... the horrendous constant fatigue, combined with all the pains is making me not want to move, anywhere cause when i do move, i hurt. My brain is in a constant fog, not to mention my skin, fuck me, how itchy am i??? It's like my skin is crawling 24/7. Bored of it now.... In other news........ My boy, my angel, the love of my life, my WHOLE life, had his brace fitted yesterday, he's in a whole world of pain too. Can't eat anything.. Soup is on the menu right now. Tomorrow, i have got the blind fitting man coming round. He's quoted me £24 for new drops for my downstairs blinds, which is excellent, and he's going to price me up for the boys bedroom, for Venetian blinds.. Cheapest ones possible :) and after...

A few weeks ago i blogged about getting my house redecorated... Well, i *think* i told the guy that i wanted it done, that was before i had to spend £xxxx on getting Billy fixed... and then put to sleep... so i forked out A LOT. Anyhoo, i decided that i couldn't afford to get the house done.. however, i forgot to tell him, during the sadness that was Billy's passing... :( He called yesterday and said that he needed to come round to measure up etc, and i said that i could not longer afford it. He said "I hope you can because i've ordered all your flooring in...." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! WTF? So, i'm fucked. Yes. Fucked. I don't have the cash... anywhere now. I'm having to blag from my mother to change my Christmas present (the Michael Kors watch) into paint and furnishings for my house. I am going to have to try my hardest to 'shabby chic' my old furniture in the front room instead of purchasing new.... oh the joys, and in my boys ...

I've had one hell of a few days. After the BF went missing from his works 'do', climbed over his gate paralytic because he lost his key, fell, battered and bruised himself.... little did i know what i was in for next..... ... He Skyped me, which was great.... continuing to down shots at 7.00 in the morning. He went off to have a doze, which he did until 2pm. He Skyped me back - but then it all went wrong..... He started. He turned vile and nasty... Saying things i don't even want to repeat. I was fuming... This time, he really hurt me. He was saying things firstly that was completely untrue... THEN he went on to bang on out my mental health problems.... again.... and he topped it all off with blaming my mother... LINE.CROSSED.MUCH!? And finally he said "If you can find someone better...then do it...." To which i replied "By the way you've been going on about me for the last hour, i'm sure you could do the same...." then he cancell...

So my dad came to visit on Saturday, it was the normal visit, him sitting there watching the television while i spoke to his wife.. then he leaves. Sums it up really. Saturday morning was nice

...which is lovely. Nose dripping literally like a tap... sneezing....feel like crap...

My boyfriend has his works 'do' last night... Obviously he got pissed, but this year to the point where he clearly couldn't walk. He's got cuts on his forehead, both hands, a bashed elbow and a massive graze right down his side. I HATE his Christmas works party.... Hated it last year, hate it this year..

...Is a Michael Kors watch..... Just saying! Not that i celebrate Christmas, because i hate it, but if someone wants to purchase me one, then i am going to accept. Sadly, when i told my mother that they are in the region of £200-£400... she wasn't that impressed.... Fingers crossed she gets generous... :)

EXCELLENT webpage..... Please, CHECK. IT. OUT.... ANXIETY SYMPTOMS - How many do you have!???

After the hoo-ha that was my Tesco trip with my mother and losing her i've been okay in there... Today, i had already been in Sainsburys but there were things that i still wanted from Tesco. Turns out, that if my mother sits in the car while i go shopping alone, that is FINE.... But.....going in with her and losing her, totally different, panic stations... Don't get it. So anyway. I am walking around, everything is cool, i get all the things that i needed, got the the self serve checkout and suddenly, from no where, i started shaking, then came the feeling that i was going to faint. I was having visions of me legging it, getting so far out of the shop and just passing out... Not great. I continued to scan my stuff, which incidentally EVERY item i scanned there was a problem once i put it in the bag, so i had to wait for the assistant to come and sort me out... I was getting more and more fainty..... I quickly paid and went.... Just as i was walking out the door, i foun...

...Trying to get fit(ish), well not fit, that's a lie... "In shape" i think is better..... I need to try and stop crying over Billy Bonkers, i am terribly sad , and will remain this way for a long time, but waking up in the middle of the night and breaking down is not good for my health, mental or other... So i have to focus on something else now.....

Billy Bonkers birthday - she would have been 7..... Just took the Bluebell to the vets and i asked them how old she was, i really didn't know... that it was today... Very sad...

The vet finally called me with the best phone call i could have received... Feel much better now that i made the right decision with Billy Bonkers. The initial diagnoses of Lymphoma wasn't entirely correct. She did in fact have Leukaemia which had then spread to the liver... and lymph nodes. Poor little thing didn't stand a chance and the vet said that given all the medication she had, *IF* there was any chance of her getting better, it would have been visible by Saturday....but she was just as unwell and still not eating... Don't feel like i gave up too quickly now.

I went outside first thing this morning and said "Hello Billy Bonkers"..... It was cold, but d

...can't believe that my little cat is in there.... I'm really struggling.... Miss her SO much. :(

A friend just contacted me on Facebook and she's offered to drive 10 miles AT MIDNIGHT to come and have a cuppa with me........ How nice is she!?

Thought i'd just weigh myself since ALL my clothes are hanging off me and i weighed in at a rather pathetic 6st 9lb or 93lb...... I've been eating.... don't get it.... :(

Billy Bonkers cuddling her only surviving kitten.... So cute....

..It's just so bloody hard. All i can think about is her. Went to get her and they showed me to the room where they had her wrapped in a little towel, i broke down and had to the get boyfriend to come in and save me... I had her laying on my lap on the way home, i was stroking her.... telling her again that i loved her... Got her back to my house and placed her on the work surface while my boyfriend dug a hole. I HAD to see her one more time so i uncovered her to reveal the most peaceful looking animal.. Just like she was snoozing... Her fur was horrible though. Combined with the fact that she'd been gone for 4 days and also the cancer does effect the quality of it... she looked rough.... but still, i sat and stroked her the entire time the bf was digging... I gave her a final kiss on the head, wrapped her up and placed her genitally in her grave.. Placed a little red carnation on top of her... and said 'goodbye'..... She's gone now.... R.I.P Billy Bonkers...

Crying for 10 hours straight yesterday has caused me to have the most unbelievable pain in the sinuses this morning... ..but i had a proper meltdown about 7pm last night.... While i was sobbing i had the worst feeling in the world... After they put her to sleep they said they'd cremate her for me, which at the time i was fine with, i didn't want to see dead Billy Bonkers any more, however, thinking about it, i started stressing over what they'd do with her ashes, where would they go? They said i could have the ashes back for an extra £130...but since i'd already run up a bill of £600 from all the tests/operation/biopsies and chemo... i really couldn't do any more financially for her... I tried my hardest to get her well, spending what i could on doing that, but i'm running out of money.... Anyhoo... in a frantic moment i called the emergency line and i asked them if they'd cremated her yet and luckily they hadn't... So i am going to collect my Bill...

My beautiful Billy, her last picture alive..... Her cancer was found to be too aggressive and the fact she still wasn't eating... we decided it was the most humane thing to do... I am gutted... I cannot explain how fucking terrible i feel right now.... I love you Billy Bonkers.... I'm so sorry..... Goodnight, i love you .

...Look who's home.... She is not in a good way.  Got a vets appointment this afternoon at 2.40.   I got up this morning and nothing.  Then i was having a conversation with my mother on the phone and i went downstairs... In the middle of the garden sat Billy.  I ran out to make sure it was her.  I picked her up and brought her indoors.  She's not walking, i don't know if she's just weak or she's been knocked over.  She is all skin and bones...  So sad.  I gave her mackerel but she wasn't in the slightest bit interested.  She's had a little drink.. but thats all. I hope the vets can mend her.... UPDATE She's being kept in at the vets due to a finding of a big lump under the neck.. They need to rule out cancer... She's being VERY friendly, which is not like my Billy... She's a feisty girl and generally will attack anyone within a 2ft radius of her.... Anyhoo - should hear later on this afternoon... ANOTHER UPDATE Vet just ca...

Started at 9.30 this morning and i have just sat down now.. First of all i had to put the Christmas tree up, then..... that followed into a frenzied complete house clean, including all kitchen cupboards.... Ugh!  What a job that is to do... Bathroom - done. Bedrooms - done. Stairs - done. Front room - done. Kitchen - done. Rest time :)