What's going on...?
I'm still sick. Still got a bad chest infection. Still coughing up a lung every five minutes. Still feel like i've been run over by a bus (x 1,000,000). Not the best run up to Christmas Day, but i don't care to be honest. The problem i am having (as well as coughing ALL THE EFFING TIME), is when you're taking antibiotics (erythromycin) /cough medicine (Covonia)/pain relief(Co-Codamol) and throat lozenges (Strepsils) it has a very bad negative effect on the digestive system causing huge amounts of pain and i have had a constant stomach ache since Tuesday :(
Anything else interesting?
Yes and no. I had an assessment done for my mental health.. and it turns out i am suffering with 'Clinical Depression'. I am really not doing well mentally at all and i am scared, scared because i am struggling with nasty horrible thoughts, and i can't just ignore them.
I was in the bath today, mid day, really strange time to bathe, but i was hurting all over and i thought the steam would help my chest, which it didn't. Anyhoo, my bf called and said he'd been asked to go out tonight. Because i'm really doing bad, i thought for a second that he MIGHT come and see me since i've only seen him TWICE since last Tuesday....and given the fact i am ill and really depressed, i assumed i would be his priority... Nope, going round his friends is FAR more important. I sat in the bath and literally sobbed for 10-15 minutes. I felt so unloved and unimportant. I WANT to be someones priority, i want someone to love me..... But it's not going to happen, not with this one anyway. He might say he loves me, but no, he's not 'in love'.
So yeah... Fed up.
Anything else interesting?
Yes and no. I had an assessment done for my mental health.. and it turns out i am suffering with 'Clinical Depression'. I am really not doing well mentally at all and i am scared, scared because i am struggling with nasty horrible thoughts, and i can't just ignore them.
I was in the bath today, mid day, really strange time to bathe, but i was hurting all over and i thought the steam would help my chest, which it didn't. Anyhoo, my bf called and said he'd been asked to go out tonight. Because i'm really doing bad, i thought for a second that he MIGHT come and see me since i've only seen him TWICE since last Tuesday....and given the fact i am ill and really depressed, i assumed i would be his priority... Nope, going round his friends is FAR more important. I sat in the bath and literally sobbed for 10-15 minutes. I felt so unloved and unimportant. I WANT to be someones priority, i want someone to love me..... But it's not going to happen, not with this one anyway. He might say he loves me, but no, he's not 'in love'.
So yeah... Fed up.
Comments
I am familiar with these nagative thoughts, it comes with the depression and anxiety etc, if you can let them come without listening to them don't let them or the diagnosis destress you, it's just the way the mind works when depressed and anxious.
I remember my ex behaving similarly as your BF, when i first started to become agoraphobic with panic and depression, i was having a bad reaction to an antidepressant that night (i stopped those immediately now i'm on a different one), he asked over the phone if i'd be ok by the weekend to go out on the town (i hadn't seen him for 2 weeks and i really thought i was going to die or go insane), then to top it off he asked if i think we need to have a break(great timing!), some men (not all) can be so clueless and selfish. Obviously your BF knows what you are dealing with (kind of) but since he has never had it himself he can't begin to know the depths of despair it causes when you are alone and need someone there to care, i think sometimes it's also some people want to be in denial about what's really happening so it doesn't affect them, who knows.
Don't let him make you worse, all the people who read this blog and have been there too care a lot about you and i know your son and mum love you very much too, fight all of this for the people who do care (even if they don't always act that way), even if there is no one else you need to do it for yourself too. It does get better but i'm sure the things that are upsetting you right now aren't helping you get there, just don't listen to these negative thoughts, it takes a lot of practice, to let the thoughts come and then let them go. Lots of love to you and i hope you start to recover physically so you can fight this all a lot better, lots of love to you xo.
Kat.