Penny has dropped..

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I have noticed that for a period after my husband asked for a divorce i was REALLY happy. New relationship...everything is okay, but now....everything is NOT okay. I am SO angry all the time. I shout, i scream, i swear, i get aggitated at the smallest things and this is even more than normal. There is a certain amount of shouting i do, but then that is to be expected, i have 4 animals and a 10 year old. I get frustrated.

I HATE MYSELF (ugly, fat, cellulite, horrible person, scarred, wrinkles, grey hair, agoraphobic, mental health problems) > FRUSTRATED (because i hate my life/myself, but too scared to change) > ANGRY (because i am stuck like this and that i can't seem to improve, so i start projecting my anger outwards) > SCARED (that i will never be loved or in love) > INSECURE (that my friend will leave me because i am all of these things above) > JEALOUS (of gorgeous women that he comes in contact with) > UNTRUSTING (why would he remain faithful when i am such a fucking digusting/horrible/ugly bitch) > HATE MSYSELF.....

It's a fuck off huge vicious cycle.

Comments

Emma said…
I really really relate to the 2nd part of your blog. Even tho i really do come across as pretty confident, inside im far far from it.
I use to be sooo confident when i was skinny and now i hate being bigger!!
I guess what im saying is i could have wrote the exact same thing word for word!!
:(
27/07/2009, 13:54
Emma said…
p.s: Ive pinched this for my own blog. Hope u dnt mind- altho i altered it a bit. x
27/07/2009, 14:03
em said…
i really hope things work out. you have a decent guy, nice home, a good kid. try not to beat yourself up with not being able to do things yet. you will in time. why do things always need time? i would take small steps, and talk you way through them with decent guy. you deserve a break.
x
27/07/2009, 22:24
coffeecup said…
Me too :-(

Can totally relate to and understand your feelings. I can relate to the previous post too. If you've not really been in a car with anyone except your Mum, (yup, me too again) then it's gonna be a major worry. The only way to get past this is to let him take you out and slowly build your confidence and trust. Your sister's sounds like a great idea doesn't it? Try babes, it's only a few mins to go a mile :-)

Anger and frustration. Oh yes, my two best friends. I feel angry most of the time, from the second I wake to the moment I shut my eyes. It's all those nasty thoughts ruminating around in your head nagging away and picking faults. Who wouldn't be furious when there are so many things that they want to do and places they want to go and for some strange reason they can't because it hurts too much.

No one really understands how it feels. If I could show people the secrets in my heart and they knew how hard I struggled maybe then I could stop trying to conceal all this pain and controlling my emotions then maybe the panic would give up. Maybe?

The only answer is to face the pain and take a leap of faith. I know this but it's soooo hard! Nothing ventured nothing gained hey?

If your friend leaves you because of 'the above' then he's not right for you. He must see the same things in you that we do, a beautiful fabulous gorgeous sweet and caring sensitive loving woman with an excellent sense of humour.

We LOVE you!
27/07/2009, 22:37
lotte said…
Glad to see Im not the only one that screams, shouts and swears....as well as throwing things across the room. This is why I self harm because i get so angry and frustrated, at myself and everyone else around me......

I can fully understand the hating yourself bit, and I know that it does not make any difference what others say, that you are pretty, gorgeous, funny, beautiful, have a lovely figure, talented. You are all of the above things and much much more, its just the depression that makes us feel so shit!!!

And like coffecup said, we love you xx
28/07/2009, 09:20
Sarah♥ said…
Thank you so much ladies :)

I'm lost for words at how wonderful you all are - i don't deserve your support...but appreciate it so very much.

x
28/07/2009, 09:56
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