From the mouth of an EX agoraphobic
A friend of mine yesterday pointed out what a person had written on their blog about being agoraphobic. Said person is an EX agoraphobic...this is what was said.
"Agoraphobia is a selfish state of mind. Its completely "curable", and yet some people just wallow in their own self-pity and will never ever get over themselves and recover. When you are so worried about yourself all the time, how can you possibly be a good mother to someone else? Or a good wife/girlfriend/friend? I've unfortunately been the agoraphobic, and I've been the agoraphobics friend. As the friend, it was miserable. Nothing was ever about anything else but them. It was annoying and frustrating. And completely in their hands to change it, but they wouldn't. Because they're too selfish and self centered. Those aren't qualities people like in a person."
Opinions please?
"Agoraphobia is a selfish state of mind. Its completely "curable", and yet some people just wallow in their own self-pity and will never ever get over themselves and recover. When you are so worried about yourself all the time, how can you possibly be a good mother to someone else? Or a good wife/girlfriend/friend? I've unfortunately been the agoraphobic, and I've been the agoraphobics friend. As the friend, it was miserable. Nothing was ever about anything else but them. It was annoying and frustrating. And completely in their hands to change it, but they wouldn't. Because they're too selfish and self centered. Those aren't qualities people like in a person."
Opinions please?
Comments
When people struggle with something and they make it through to the other side, they feel like they can have an elitist attitude about it.
Which was my point with the addiction debate I had on FB the other day. A few people had been through an addiction and now felt the need to call everyone who was still struggling weak and selfish, kind of like the person who wrote the above post about being selfish if you have agoraphobia.
It is utterly ridiculous.
Agoraphobia leads one to become extremely focused on oneself, but that doesn't make an agoraphobic selfish or self-centered in the way that we generally use those terms to describe personality flaws.
My opinion is that the almost 24x7 focus inward is not an innate flaw, but rather a misdirection of thought based on fear. Since we fear how we feel or might feel in any given situation, we become focused inward on an almost constant basis. We become obsessed with our own thoughts and bodily sensations in much the same way that a person afraid of dogs would be focused on dogs continually if forced to live in a kennel.
So yes, there most certainly is a "me first" component to any agoraphobic, but it should not be construed as some kind of inborn uncorrectable personal flaw.
I do agree 100% that agoraphobia is ENTIRELY curable and that the power to attain that cure lies within every agoraphobe without exception.
I like your hair, by the way. ;-)
And im writing this at work so not sure if it makes sense, and I mean no harm in this its just my two cents
I recall when you said that someone you knew who was agoraphobic was only doing for the attention of her ex husband. True or false? I kept that email and i could find it if you like. I need to crank up the old laptop though :)
It is ridiculous to say that someone cannot be a good mother because they have agoraphobia. What about the gazillion other important qualities required to be a parent? Some people chose to neglect their kids but this doesn't follow that because someone has a mental illness they will automatically be a poor parent or friend. It's the most narrow minded thing I've read in a long time.
Not all mental illness can be cured. Hence why there are acute units housing people who are unable to function without support. Basing such a generalised statement on the evidence of one person and one relationship is not a true representation of the entire agoraphobic population. I suggest they take a random sample study group before they make such an accusation.
Grrr!
I simply think that the blogger just feels that its hard on both ends and exausting, and now she sees that. And came to the realization that its fixable. Its not a chronic debilitating disease with no cure. It might be chronic and debilitation, but its mental not genetic cell forming disease. It can be fixed by behavior modification, therapy and medications if needbe.
I get out 3 times a week to go shopping. That's where MY attention stops.
I have a massive problem people talking about my illness, not that i am ashamed but for example, when i was staying in the hotel with my boyfriend last weekend, he told the receptionist that i had panic attacks - there was NO need. For this reason - 99% of people have NO concept of panic disorder therefore don't know how to react. This women was very nice actually and said how amazing it was for me to be doing such a big thing, but still, some people do and will look at you as if you've just sprouted horns!
After 12 years of having agoraphobia i can assure you that the attention stopped a LONG time ago.
As for being a bad mother - WHAT A LOAD OF SHITE. I am a fucking good mum. I have raised a polite, respectful, loving, non-bratty child pretty much on my own. He wants for nothing...i provide for him - ON MY OWN.
As for being a bad friend - Ha! I don't think so. If any of my friends needs to talk - they can ALWAYS get hold of me!!! I do what i can, and thank God that is enough for them! They love me for me - not Sarah the agoraphobic.
Being a bad daughter/sister - That's bollocks. I am a built in baby-sitter for my sister - what more could she ask for? I have an AMAZING relationship with my mother.
Partner - My boyfriend loves me. We've been together for 9 months now. He loves me regardless of my agoraphobia. I am an excellent girlfriend. I treat him well and vice versa.
Done.
While it may be true that the fear of dogs allows one to think of other people and things, that is NOT the case if the fearful person was forced to exist 24x7 in a kennel. For an agoraphobe, the source of fear is within and is therefore unescapable. An agoraphobic person cannot "avoid the dogs", so to speak, hence the continuous focus inward.
As for the parallel between addiction and agoraphobia, its true that you were not born to snort crack. You did it initially because it made you feel good. Find me an agoraphobic that decided to venture into that lifestyle because it felt good and I'll write you a check for a million dollars.
Being in a relationship with a long term agoraphobe is certainly taxing, frustrating and draining, but those things do not make that person self-centered or self-indulgent by definition. It just makes the difficult to deal with. I certainly would not argue with that assessment.
While it may be true that the fear of dogs allows one to think of other people and things, that is NOT the case if the fearful person was forced to exist 24x7 in a kennel. For an agoraphobe, the source of fear is within and is therefore unescapable. An agoraphobic person cannot "avoid the dogs", so to speak, hence the continuous focus inward.
As for the parallel between addiction and agoraphobia, its true that you were not born to snort crack. You did it initially because it made you feel good. Find me an agoraphobic that decided to venture into that lifestyle because it felt good and I'll write you a check for a million dollars.
Being in a relationship with a long term agoraphobe is certainly taxing, frustrating and draining, but those things do not make that person self-centered or self-indulgent by definition. It just makes the difficult to deal with. I certainly would not argue with that assessment.
I wish i had your way with words.
Summed it up amazingly.
x
Not one single person who has pure experience of living with agoraphobia would ever say such things.
I'm a father, with 2 young children. I am married and have been for nearly 5 years. We got married right before my disorder started. At no point has my wife looked upon me as being selfish, self centered and all the rest of the crap that was mentioned in the post.
How dare that person get on their high horse and preach that rubbish. They need to think back to when they were ill and how they felt.
I find it incredibly hard to comprehend that someone who has been through agoraphobia and knows what it can be like could say something so thoughtless!!
Drew
I know this is going to be unpopular, but I don't entirely disagree with what that person said. I just think they're describing it incorrectly.
Agoraphobia leads one to become extremely focused on oneself, but that doesn't make an agoraphobic selfish or self-centered in the way that we generally use those terms to describe personality flaws.
My opinion is that the almost 24x7 focus inward is not an innate flaw, but rather a misdirection of thought based on fear. Since we fear how we feel or might feel in any given situation, we become focused inward on an almost constant basis. We become obsessed with our own thoughts and bodily sensations in much the same way that a person afraid of dogs would be focused on dogs continually if forced to live in a kennel.
So yes, there most certainly is a "me first" component to any agoraphobic, but it should not be construed as some kind of inborn uncorrectable personal flaw.
I do agree 100% that agoraphobia is ENTIRELY curable and that the power to attain that cure lies within every agoraphobe without exception.
I like your hair, by the way. ;-)
woot
Okay my two cents. Being that I know which blog you are talking about;) Having never been agoraphobic, but had MAJOR addictions. And having a best friend that was agoraphobic i feel I can say something. I knew said person prior to agoraphobia, i knew her during, and I know her after. To me, from the outside, its selfish in the sense that you are constantly all about yourself. Sure if you are scared of "dogs" you will think constantly about it, but you also can think about other things, other people. Much less give your all to them. I was a huge drug addict. And I have housed a drug addict in my home for 6 months. They are, as agoraphobics completely absorbed in all their issues. To say it is a flaw, sure it is. Its a huge flaw. Something that bothers me, is this illness, which i know a lot about, just like any mental illness is fixable. Whether you choose to or not. And if people love you regardless then thank god for that, because you just as anybody regardless of issues deserves a quality of life. Its just how far are you willing to go to get help, step out of your box of fear, rejection, attention seeking, etc to get said help? People have a tendency to get tired of always being focused on people who can only look inward. With my "friend" that wrote that post you talk about, i struggled with the issues she had because it made everything complicated. And I wasn't even with her everyday she was going through it. You weren't born with Agoraphobia. Just as I wasn't born to snort crack. You need to find the triggers of the addiction and beat them down. I know you can do this.
And im writing this at work so not sure if it makes sense, and I mean no harm in this its just my two cents
AP
If that were the case, and I don't think it is, making an agoraphobic feel even worse about their condition isn't helpful. Saying something like that is both thoughtless and irresponsible. I'm not a proponent of wallowing in self-pity, but I also don't believe in kicking someone while they're down.
woot
But where is the line drawn from supporting to enableing?? I don't see it as kicking a person while they are down. Though this quote that is pasted here isn't entirely in context....so you cant blame there "person" that wrote it. I think more the point was that its hard to be friends with someone when they are in said self-pity-selfish state of mind. Its a one sided friendship and one that she choose not to be in any longer.
Woot - was that piece written for someone particular then? I didn't know that. Let me quote you "Its a one sided friendship and one that she choose not to be in any longer." CLEARLY its about someone!!!! Or am i mistaken?
I recall when you said that someone you knew who was agoraphobic was only doing for the attention of her ex husband. True or false? I kept that email and i could find it if you like. I need to crank up the old laptop though :)
Coffeecup
I guess my Dad is a really selfish person because he never took me on holiday or shopping or held my hand and walked with me, or all the million other things that a child missed out on because they had an agoraphobic parent. Do I consider him to be selfish? No, just unwell and in need of care and compassion.
It is ridiculous to say that someone cannot be a good mother because they have agoraphobia. What about the gazillion other important qualities required to be a parent? Some people chose to neglect their kids but this doesn't follow that because someone has a mental illness they will automatically be a poor parent or friend. It's the most narrow minded thing I've read in a long time.
Not all mental illness can be cured. Hence why there are acute units housing people who are unable to function without support. Basing such a generalised statement on the evidence of one person and one relationship is not a true representation of the entire agoraphobic population. I suggest they take a random sample study group before they make such an accusation.
Grrr!
woot
I don't believe it was meant for anybody, I think it was a generalization, and if it was it washer just speaking her mind of how she felt and saw things. As for something I said god knows how long ago... really I don't remember saying that AT ALL. And would prefer you not bring up OLD SHIT so to speak about her. That was over 5 years ago and truly I am done with that drama and moved on and grew up a long time ago. But if I was asked right now, as a generalization, "do i think it is for attention" Yes I think part of it is. Because if you are 'sick', so to speak, then people have to pay attention to you, they have to bend to your needs and wants because if they don't then it can cause issues. There is no bending with someone who not only have agoraphobia, but like you have multiple mental illnesses and phobia's. Its psych 101. Which is why it becomes or can become a self indulgent illness. And for some people who are in a relationship (friend family spouse) it can get tiring and overwhelming to handle on a daily basis. Which is why there is a vicious cycle..."nobody loves me" said over and over until someone leaves because they are tired of hearing you say "nobody loves me" all while they are telling you the love them. They get tired of it and leave then you say "see nobody loves me" Its attention on both aspects. Negative attention. you say nobody loves you, people say, i love you-attention. Loved ones leave, you say see nobody loves you-and people tell you, but I love you-attention= Vicious cycle.
I simply think that the blogger just feels that its hard on both ends and exausting, and now she sees that. And came to the realization that its fixable. Its not a chronic debilitating disease with no cure. It might be chronic and debilitation, but its mental not genetic cell forming disease. It can be fixed by behavior modification, therapy and medications if needbe.
I can tell you that i don't get any more attention than my 39 year old sister. In fact, i get less attention, because i sit at home. No one needs to worry about me because they know exactly where i am and what i am doing.
I get out 3 times a week to go shopping. That's where MY attention stops.
I have a massive problem people talking about my illness, not that i am ashamed but for example, when i was staying in the hotel with my boyfriend last weekend, he told the receptionist that i had panic attacks - there was NO need. For this reason - 99% of people have NO concept of panic disorder therefore don't know how to react. This women was very nice actually and said how amazing it was for me to be doing such a big thing, but still, some people do and will look at you as if you've just sprouted horns!
After 12 years of having agoraphobia i can assure you that the attention stopped a LONG time ago.
As for being a bad mother - WHAT A LOAD OF SHITE. I am a fucking good mum. I have raised a polite, respectful, loving, non-bratty child pretty much on my own. He wants for nothing...i provide for him - ON MY OWN.
As for being a bad friend - Ha! I don't think so. If any of my friends needs to talk - they can ALWAYS get hold of me!!! I do what i can, and thank God that is enough for them! They love me for me - not Sarah the agoraphobic.
Being a bad daughter/sister - That's bollocks. I am a built in baby-sitter for my sister - what more could she ask for? I have an AMAZING relationship with my mother.
Partner - My boyfriend loves me. We've been together for 9 months now. He loves me regardless of my agoraphobia. I am an excellent girlfriend. I treat him well and vice versa.
Done.
woot
like i said, it was a generalization, don't get so defensive. You asked for opinion. Don't ask if you can't stand to hear it.
Sarah♥
I want readers opinions and that is why i have asked for them :)
I posted this because my friend could not believe what a former agoraphobic was writing and since she doesn't have a blog nor ever been agoraphobic she wanted ME to see what fellow agoraphobics thought. She didn't and i didn't think (or so i thought) that this was anything related to me.
Please don't feel irratated.
Said person has their own opinion and i am not disputing that. It was her choice and i have absolutely no problem with that. In fact i totally agree with her decision. More than happy. She has her life and i have mine.
Am i exhausted with being agoraphobic? Yes, very much so. I am worn out. So tired of being afraid. So bored of being indoors. I wish i could find the inner strength to fight the fear, but panic scares the crap out of me. I am terrified. If that makes me weak, pathetic, a loser...then so be it. I won't argue with that.
I've come to learn after being with my arsehole ex who destroyed my confidence and self esteem to the point of no return and doing a complete 180 to now being with my amazing boyfriend who loves me for me, i don't give two fucks about what anyone thinks of me. If someone thinks i am a failure - who cares? The people whos opinions count are my closest friends, my boyfriend and my family. Everyone else can do one!!!!! I hate myself enough to cover what people may or may not think about me.
There is not a single comment saying i am a good person. Why on earth would people respond to this post by saying that? How funny. So if you think that i posted this, for that reason, you are really very much mistaken. But we all make mistakes, right?? No one is perfect.
I apologse from the bottom of my heart if you've been effected/upset by what i have written. Not my intention.
You don't need to understand me...lol. Good grief, i have a hard enough time understanding what goes on.
I'm again sorry if you don't like what you read, but there is always a very easy solution to that... :)
Great blog! I appreciate your courage and your forthrightness in discussing agoraphobia.
I also wanted to share a great resource for that-- (Completely Free) Telephone Conference Call Support Groups for Overcoming Agoraphobia and other social anxiety problems too, http://www.healsocialanxiety.com