BEING SARAH.......

...and way too funny.

That's not happening now. My friend just called me (Stinkys best friends' mum) and asked me if i was going out today and would i mind if she came. Of course i don't mind (she just had an operation, so it's the least i can do to help, that and have her son practically live at my house) , it just means that the clothes trip is off for today (only until Saturday) and a coffee at the local shopping centre is in :) It's a gorgeous sunny day...so it'll be nice to have a walk. :)

Why? I AM GOING SHOPPING LATER! Shopping list. ME: Jeans and tops (maybe a handbag and some boots) STINKY: Jeans, tops, hoodies and trainers. I've just cleared out my boys wardrobe to make way for his new school uniform. Problem with that, is that i then get onto his t-shirts and other things. I've just bagged up roughly 40 t-shirts, 5 pairs of jeans, 6 pairs of trainers and a couple of hoodies (not including his primary school uniform). His wardrobe is only half full, which means i have to buy him new clothes. He's so tall and takes a size 6 shoe... When did that happen??

Madness. Utter madness. You're a funny, funny girl, i'll give you that, never fail to me laugh.

Is sleeping under canvas.. Zzzzzzzz miss you Watson x 6 minutes ago via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like Someone loves me!!!!! I didn't go camping because i was REALLY ill. Upset stomach ALL night. He went, i stayed home...

As you may have noticed at the moment i am writing a lot of posts and then deleting them, there is a reason for this. I don't find it amusing when people read my blog for "entertainment". I would NEVER read someone else's blog because i enjoy to see if they are failing, or not doing so well, i am NOT that heartless and - how fucked up is that anyway?? I genuinely LIKE the people who's blogs i read. I LIKE to see that they are doing well, and when things aren't going that great, i feel bad for them. Take Lotte for example, i certainly don't read her blog for entertainment - and now i know she's having a hard time, i am making an effort to contact her by text to show her my support, and also Mrs G, we spoke on the phone the other day after her panicky honeymoon, i didn't find that amusing either. *SOME* people are more fucked up than they care to acknowledge. Seriously, if you're reading for entertainment value, then don't, fuck o...

Please read... LOTTE'S BLOG

Perfect time to move on. I feel stronger, happier, healthier (despite my stupid brain illness), my house is how i want it (as i look around my gorgeous bedroom), my son is at that age when his sense of humour, his love for me...everything, all shining through (he STILL comes up to me 5 - 10 times a day wanting a kiss). Right now he's in his room playing the Wii with his best friend, all i can hear is laughing - who wouldn't be 100% content with that? Who NEEDS a man around the house? I don't need anyone to make ME feel fulfilled. I live an easy, quite life, no arguing, no man to clear up after, i take care of my son, because i can, why do i want a man to be around to do it all for me? Living on my own now for quite a few years now (ex moved out in 2008), i'm more than capable of going it alone. You have a man, you think it's all perfect, you think he adores you, you think he thinks your the best thing since sliced bread...but then, bam.....another one bites the ...

You'll know how easily i get confused so when my boyfriend came out with "I want to be with you forever. A band on your finger proves nothing. How many marriages end in divorce? If i love you, i love you completely WITHOUT having to sign a piece of useless paper and declare it infront of an audience. I tell everyone, all day every day how amazingly proud i am of you, how fantastic you've done in the last year, how you make me laugh constantly, how i love everything about you. I know you can't see it yourself Sarah, but trust me when i say, i adore you." Hearing that made me realise that okay, i've had two failed marriages, so despite saying that bullshit line "Iil death do us part" - we all know how easy it is to get out of a marriage, and quite frankly, i would rather not be married again. I love that i see him 8.30 every morning without fail my boyfriend will call me.

Just had *THE* conversation with my boyfriend about feeling broody. His reaction was just as i thought. He's been here before with most of his girlfriends, so it's nothing new. I am sat here in tears. I wake up thinking baby, go to sleep thinking the same. I hope it's just a phase...and i will get up one day and think "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?". Until then...deep breaths.

We were supposed to be going up tomorrow afternoon (lets just take into account that it's not stopped raining for like THREE days, and we camp on a field)...yes, all i can think of is mud and...where are my fricking wellies?. So anyway, because my boyfriend has been off sick this week with stomach problems, they filled his usual half day Saturday to a full day, which thank goodness means that finishing at 5, we wouldn't get to the camp site until at least 7, and i said NO to pitching a tent at that time - in the cold. So it looks like we're leaving on Sunday. What is worse is though, is that the field is a NO CAR ZONE in the rain which means lugging a people carrier vehicle FULL of camping gear 1/2 mile up a field, which would take at least 6 trips, none of this is appealing to me. I LOVE CAMPING, when it's sunny and warm, dry ground, but sludging around in mud, not my idea of fun. Perhaps i can persuade him to come to a nice hotel for the night? Whatever i do, i'...

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Dear Mrs Ca. We "met" in 2002 on an internet forum. We quickly became internet friends because you too were suffering with agoraphobia, married with a child who was not too much younger than my son at the time. It seemed we had an awful lot in common. We chatted for hours, most days, then we started talking on the phone. We had a few misunderstandings but still, that's what "friends" do, bicker sometimes. In 2005 i invited you into my world, my life....but wowzers, didn't i fuck that one up!? I found an old email from you yesterday (when i hooked up my old laptop that had been buried away for zions). And since i know you STILL read my blog, bless you, i thought perhaps you'd like to read a little something about yourself, because today, i am a little bored and feeling a tad hormonal, so here goes. 1.5 years ago, I met you after 4 years of talking to you online. And in person, you're pretty much the weirdest person I have ever come accross sho...

(Courtesy of my stepfather) "Get off your lazy arse and get a job"

Talking to a friend... I was lead to believe for a long time that i was a terrible person, by a couple of people that i had let into my life AND home. One of those people was of course my ex husband, who i'd have kissed the ground he walked on if he asked me to and the other being obviously someone else. Fast forward a couple of years. I know that's not the truth. I was called selfish. I laugh at that now, because i'm THE most generous person i've ever known. Selfish perhaps because of my illness? Well, i was speaking to my gorgeous friend Mrs. L about being selfish and that's just not the case. Being selfish is someone who doesn't give a shit about hurting someone's feelings, whereas being unwell and selfish, you DO feel guilty about letting people down, but you need to do what you think is best, for you. So yeah, whatever! I was told a whole lot of things from these two people, but i don't hate...oh no, i feel utterly sorry for them. Both of th...

..to be a mother again is becoming stronger and stronger everyday, i'm thinking it's because i am with a man who never wants children so i know while i am with him, that choice is taken right out of my hands and its not going to happen. A lovely friend is trying for a baby at the moment, and i know of several people who are pregnant or trying to fall pregnant and i want that. I desperately want that. Pregnancy was a breeze for me, i loved every second of it...and i'm fully aware i have a child already and i should be happy...blah, blah, blah - but being brutally honest here (and i can be, since blogging is all about honesty), i don't think i will be 100% happy until i have another child. So Sarah is stuck with ANOTHER dilemma... To give up the one thing i want out of my life to a man who won't be with me for more than 5 minutes...OR...leave the security of what i have RIGHT NOW to possibly never find "Mr. Right" to become pregnant anyway? Stressing.

This is how i want to be. The boobs, the hair....shame it's still my face, but without a head transplant i am fucked! Now, must rush off to buy lottery tickets so all this can be possible.

After my stupidness on Saturday i REFUSED to let it get to me. I don't know how often that attitude will work, but it did this time around. Got up early, straight round to my boyfriends and we blitzed his house. Cleaned top to bottom. My nails are now regretting it, but these are the things you do for love. When we'd finished we went and visited his friend and although i wasn't feeling 100% i MADE myself do it, hoping and praying that a panic attack wasn't going to happen. All was fine though. Back to my boyfriends to get washing out/feed his cat, then back to mine for the night, or so i thought. I got a call from my son's friends' mum who has taken him to London for the day today and said it would be better for Stink to stay there the night, so fair enough, he stayed, which allowed me to go and spend the night round my boyfriends, which was lovely.

So. I'm feeling anxious/panicky and i don't like it. I've been so long without these kinds of feelings i am neither use to it, nor do i remember how to handle it. I was out in town and i suddenly started feeling really (i don't know how to explain it other than) ugh. No energy, struggling to walk, talk, felt really disorientated. I needed to go get some food from one shop and walking up there i started getting nauseous (which is my main fear), so we turned back and went to Sainsburys instead. Did shopping thank goodness, but since i've been home i have had a panic attack :( Now, i still feel shit and sick...but what is MUCH WORSE than that is the guilt that i feel for being this way after not having this kind of attack for ages. I feel guilty that our plans have been fucked up (although he doesn't know this yet), i feel guilty for being a shitty girlfriend who can't do fuck all because she's mental. I feel guilty for being me. Sometimes, i wish i ...

..for just a couple of reasons. No. 1 - My boyfriend has a terrible fear of wasps (and there were a lot of them about), hence why he's got his hood up and not the fact that it was cold.. :) No. 2 - I look happy. Camping is a fantastic way to kick back, relax, eat good food and laugh until my stomach hurts. What is better than that? All for £8 a night - bloody bargain! No. 3 - I only have 10 days until we do it all over again. None of this would have been possible without the love and constant UNCONDITIONAL support of my amazing boyfriend.

..with my mood. Friday was a really hard day, i self harmed (not badly), but i did it after months and months of abstaining from hurting myself. I have so much love coming from my non- committing boyfriend, although he did say that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...((but with no wedding/children/engagement)). What am i to make of that? Fucks my head right up. I adore him. He knows it too. My life is amazing since he came along...but....arggghhhhhhhhh! You know the rest! Anyway. I just don't know really.

..but i'm still down. I am heading toward depression again and i know i am because i can feel it.

CAMPING :) 3rd time camping now and it just gets better and better. I love it. The only downsides were, way too many wasps and i woke up with a stomach ache, apart from that, fabulous. I laugh CONSTANTLY.... ...and my boyfriend let me drive his new car...lucky me :)

Feel like dogs shit today. Hate the way i look, SO much. I've self harmed over something ridiculous. I wish i didn't have so many things wrong with me. Why can one person be so unlucky with the way they look? If it's not bad enough having tits like a boy, but i have scars all over my chest too. If it's not bad enough having wrinkles, i've got acne/hyperpigmentation and black circles as well. If it's not bad enough that my arse is disgusting, at least give me a break and take away the cellulite. If it's not bad enough having REALLY short hair, but it's gone fucking GREY!!!! ONE THING RIGHT WITH ME WOULD BE AMAZING!

I made it, the 4 hours and 45 minutes journey to my dads. BLOODY HELL! Can you believe it? FOUR HOURS AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES. 200 MILES. Left home at 10.09am and got there at 2.45pm. Long way and very tiring, especially when i drove. Mum gave up after the M11, that was too much for her, so i took over at the A14 and drove the rest of the way. A14, M6, M42, M5....something like that. Birmingham is a shitter and we had a TomTom too. We thought we were lost so we pulled off at a service station to reset the TomTom, but as we drove out it told us to go the same way as we were going, so happy days. Unfortunately, i didn't stay the night as expected. I was there 6 hours and felt like i'd had quite enough for one day, so we drove the FIVE hours home. I did 90% of the journey in the dark which was hellish, the car lights were blinding me, i'm no good at night driving, but still, i succeeded in doing so. A little "bitter-sweet", but lets face it guys, did you ev...

...no, not to some mental institution, although i feel that would be an idea, i'm taking a trip to my dads, where i've not been in 13 years. It is a 5 hour journey...which in itself is a scary thought...BUT...exciting at the same time. We're leaving tomorrow morning at 10am - so...wish me luck! Hopefully, anxiety staying away, i would really like to go into Wales because as you can see from the picture he's right near the Welsh border and taking a trip into Cardiff - but we'll see how i am. Fingers crossed for me people....please ;)

I hate ME on days like today. We had it all planned out yesterday what we were going to do. I managed an hour. My bad head is spinning, so dizzy it's untrue. I feel like when i walk the ground is coming up to meet me. Bloody horrible. I've taken medication but to now, no different, in fact, i am beginning to feel really nauseaous. I feel like the worlds worst girlfriend . It's a big fail for today. I look and feel like shit. The black circles under my eyes are terrible, i look like a heroin user. My skin has broken out, i'm tired and i wish i wasn't here. So...i'm home alone while my boyfriend and son have gone out. I did treat them both to a full English breakie this morning though... ...however....I hate myself. I hate myself for feeling ill, for being ill, for having no control over this stupid illness.

I don't even recognise this picture as being me... Even I can see i have changed, a lot....

...away all the things i enjoy (we're talking food here). Crisps, gone. Biscuits, gone. Soft Gorganzola cheese, gone. ARGHHHH! I am A) Starving. B) In a fowl mood. C) Desperate for some yumminess. I know doing this i can easily drop a couple of pounds before i go away next week, i want to get back into my skinnies. Right now i'm lucky if they go past my expanding thighs. Stupid biscuits...!!

...with a head full of "What am i going to do?". What's the point of carrying on knowing that there is only one person in this equation who's going to get their heart broken (again), and i'll give you a clue, it won't be him.

...next week to my dads, not been there since 1997 when my grandmother died. This means driving right across the other side of the country, i live in the South East, he lives about 2 miles from Wales. Quite a long way and even moreso when my mother doesn't do motorways, it's all down to me......

...no commitment thing is killing me. Everyday i think of what i've always wanted from a relationship, happiness, love, respect...and eventually marriage and children. I crave to have the upbringing i never did. I WANT to have that family unit with a mum and dad together. Am i compromising too much?

Stinky is fantastic. He can draw like a pro. Me, i can't draw a stick figure, so where he gets it from, i have no idea. Definitely not from my side of the family. We're all shit. The detail in the picture is amazing.

Why are "looks" are such a big thing? Why is it that if you're unattractive, slightly overweight, you don't wear the latest fashion, your make-up doesn't come from MAC and you don't conform to the "ideal", society looks down on you? Maybe it's just me that feels i'm under scrutiny because i don't have the 6ft legs, perfect clear face, beautiful sparkly teeth and eyes, the gorgeous flat stomach....the mane locks that swish when i walk....i HATE society and i HATE that i feel under pressure to correct MY flaws so i feel that i do fit in. Well, i will NEVER fit in. I will never be pretty, i will never have the body that i desire, my tits are going to grow over night, my face isn't going to become clear.... i'm not going to be THAT person without risking what i already have, and i know i hate what i have, but is it worth taking a risk and making it worse? If that's at all possible? My boyfriend says he doesn't see my scarin...

Firstly, this isn't going to become all about my "brain problem" but as i feel things, i am going to blog them, for my reference more than anything because my memory is shot, so writing it is the only way! Last night i got really unbalanced, very quickly. It was like someone had just thrown me on a roundabout and spun me round and around. I could barely make it to the toilet without falling over. CRAWLING back into my bedroom i had to lay down for a good hour after taking my medication before i felt like i could get downstairs without falling. This morning, i'm exhausted. I've got no energy what-so-ever. The left side of my face is feeling numb and my head hurts, a lot. These are ALL symptoms i've had for a long time, but i've just ignored. Now i know there's a problem, it makes is *easier* to cope with.

I'm FINALLY getting my face sorted out. Because i have STUPID hyperpigmention - my face is basically two-toned and awful. So on Wednesday i am getting a chemical peel to sort that out, and maybe some fillers too..., and botox . Who knows - still undecided on the botox , but definitely the fillers to rectify the stupid 3mm deep smile lines, and crows feet, gross. I WILL HAVE CLEAR SKIN!

Another very successful day/night camping :) Loads of fun. Very good company. Thoroughly enjoyed myself - again.