Not good..

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So. I'm feeling anxious/panicky and i don't like it. I've been so long without these kinds of feelings i am neither use to it, nor do i remember how to handle it.

I was out in town and i suddenly started feeling really (i don't know how to explain it other than) ugh. No energy, struggling to walk, talk, felt really disorientated. I needed to go get some food from one shop and walking up there i started getting nauseous (which is my main fear), so we turned back and went to Sainsburys instead.

Did shopping thank goodness, but since i've been home i have had a panic attack :(
Now, i still feel shit and sick...but what is MUCH WORSE than that is the guilt that i feel for being this way after not having this kind of attack for ages. I feel guilty that our plans have been fucked up (although he doesn't know this yet), i feel guilty for being a shitty girlfriend who can't do fuck all because she's mental. I feel guilty for being me. Sometimes, i wish i could just be put down, like a sick animal. I have no excuse for being this way and it's beyond my control...but it doesn't stop me feeling like a big fat sack of dogs shit.

Comments

vinny said…
oh sarah i hear ya,i feel like this most days hun,i got an invitation from my sis through the post yesterday to go to her sons christening who i have never even seen yet only on photos,i had to text her and tell her i wasnt upto coming,she lives up north and i live down south so its a long long way to travel plus i cant stand being around people at any sort of family events ;0(
i felt so depressed and angry with myself that i had to say no and i had a little cry,i worry months ahead of thing even happening,i knew she was gonna send me an invite and i would have to say no and ive worried for months about it and not been able to sleep properly,i feel guilty everyday for always letting people down,i hate my life and wish i cud change the way i am but in the end you just feel like giving up cos u have tried that many different things to get better and nothing has helped,i have panic attacks all the time and they are horrid,but people dont know enough about mental health,because its invisable and u cant really see it then people dont think its as bad as what it is and do not understand that ur screaming inside and just wanna be normal,i get my down days like this and its bloody crap,all as i wanna do is sleep to forget about things ;0(
i dont think we will ever get better totally,it may get easier in time to come who knows but it will never go away,ive decided to try for a baby now and my fella has agreed too,cos if i leave it any longer than i will be too old,i cant keep putting it off just cos of my mental health cos what if i never get better?then i would never have kids,i'm dead scared and shitin myself but am desperate to have a child,some people have even said maybe it will help me?so who knows but i really do understand where u are cumin from and hope it doesnt wreck ur whole weekend hun
{{{big hugs}}} luv vin xxx♥
21/08/2010, 14:42
Drew said…
You might not have control over when anxiety symptoms strike, but you do have control over how you handle them.

This is where the rubber meets the road. You can hide in your house because you've had a bad experience, or you can just go forward with whatever plans you already had - knowing that feeling like crap sucks but isn't dangerous.

I'm not saying that you're going to run out and have the best time of your life right now, but getting out and allowing the anxiety symptoms to just be there without running from them means you have a far better chance of being "normal" down the road. This is a skill just like reading or riding a bicycle. You have to practice it to get better, so having anxiety now and then is actually a good thing. Take advantage of the opportunity to take a giant step forward!

Remember, courage has nothing to do with not being afraid. Courage is about acting even in the face of fear.
21/08/2010, 17:12
vinny said…
feel the fear and do it anyway lol i hate that saying what a joke,or fight or flight hate that saying too,some people just dont understand how hard it really is,i know u have to face fears but little at a time as throwing urself in at the deep end then u will never get better,as when u/we have panic attacks its horrid and sets u back to square one again ;0(
good luck hun and i do hope u feel less anxious soon,i shake all the time,my hands and head shake even when i'm not even anxious grrrr,and when i have a panic attack i feel like i'm gonna die or fall over/faint be sick or stop breathing cos i cant ever catch my breath and find it hard to breathe,i do try and practise brathing deeply but it never works and just makes me dizzy lol u cant win can ya xxx goodnight sweet dreams♥
21/08/2010, 21:34
Sarah♥ said…
I will respond to you both tomorrow. Thank you for your comments :)
21/08/2010, 21:51
Shelly said…
Sorry Sarah, I know that feeling too. I hate it. It is like starting over from square one. Though, I have noticed if I dont stay stuck in my house the next day, that period tends to move quicker. I hope your BF understands. I feel guilty a lot, like a lot. Over lots of things, but especially in regards to my anxiety and how limiting it can make it for other people around me.

I hope you feel better soon.
22/08/2010, 02:56
Amy said…
The one's that come after a hiatus are definitely the worst because it feels like you are starting the healing right from the start again :( Try to remember though that you are not. You've come a long way and even so called "normal" people who don't have panic attacks have bad days and feel anxiety. Try to put it down to a bad day. ((hugs))
23/08/2010, 10:10
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