BEING SARAH.......

Having a really bad day today. I really don't see the point of being with someone when it's going no where. It's only a matter of time before he dumps me for someone prettier anyway. So why prolong it?

I've been doing this since 2003. There is a fab site where you can view a selection of your old posts. Some of mine are HERE , HERE , and HERE . Anyway, i am bored. Bored of blogging. I don't really talk much about anything interesting these days. I ramble sometimes about how depressed i am, how i am tired of being like this *YAWN*, or what i have spent MORE money on (had a great day shopping for clothes yesterday btw!!). Chatting about agoraphobia isn't really on my list of priorities. I live it day in and day out, i don't really want to write about it too. There are things i would talk about, but can't.... ...but at the same time, there are also other things that i perhaps shouldn't mention! My life is strange, that's for sure, however it's a lot calmer, less stressful and no pathetic juvenile dramas since two dead weights have been lifted from my shoulders. I am very (happy) in love with a good man, got my son, my friends (WHO ACCEPT ME FOR ME), ...

ONE thing i have learnt in my 30 something years it is this... TRUST NO ONE.

That's where i feel i am at the moment. FAILURE NUMBER ONE:- The plan was to go up to Gap on Sunday with my boyfriend. Just for reference that is 1.2 miles away. I managed to change that plan (as i can). I was going shopping with my mother on Sunday morning, i hadn't been food shopping since Tuesday and she was going to get me a few bits. So i "suggested" that maybe, mum could just "pop" us up to Gap on the way home. Roughly translated in agoraphobic speech to - I am too scared to go with you, but i can get there with mum, so that is a compromise! That's what we did. My boyfriend came grocery shopping, then mum dropped us off at the shopping centre and we went to get him some clothes. Mum stayed in the car for that! It WAS raining/snowing - crappy weather. We must have been gone for a good 45 minutes, and i was perfectly fine! HOWEVER.. I did get to his house which is over 2 miles away. This is what i don't get. I couldn...

Have you seen that show on Channel 4? I watched if for the first time today on youtube and caught the second episode. I cried the whole way through. The girl on there was 20, with partner, no job and no home (i guess she'd stay with her mother). That didn't make me cry. I think the realisation that i will NEVER have that. Stinky was born from a two night stand, yes people - what a slut! But as i mentioned before, i was having no periods, meaning NO ovulation - but i still got pregnant, he was a miracle. As a girl growing up, you dream of having the perfect relationship, with the perfect man and having the perfect home and family. That's not going to happen for me. Marriage number one, didn't want children. Marriage number two, i got broody once or twice, but KNEW that it wasn't right after he called me a useless and bad mother and asked me what did i have to offer anyone, especially a child. Now i am with someone who i love/adore, who is good to me BUT he doesn'...

..you knew that someone from your past, who hurt you, caused problems in your life over and over again was reading your blog - what would you do?

...is like a big pile of manure and i am drowning.

..What do you think about me making my blog private? Why? Basically i know that i have one particular reader who i don't want reading my stuff. It makes me really uncomfortable. I am not saying it's any of you lovely people who comment nicely and are genuinely good people, i am talking about someone from my past who should stop

When i started seeing my boyfriend, i bought a box and in it i put little things that meant something to me. I just went through it (because i hadn't for ages) and it made me cry. I have cards from the flowers that he'd sent me, car parking tickets when we've been out, my coke bottle from our first date, dried flowers from the bouquets, cards, little notes..a pen...champagne corks from NYE, the first jar of beetroot he bought me and empty durex box ;) - LOADS of stuff. I'm so glad i've got this. :)

Take a group of men, flying off to Portugal, for 7 days...for last minute freedom before one of them gets married and what do you get.... Yes a stag party!!!! ...at the same time, you get this....

This is something that i have not blogged about, until now. My son, my gorgeous son has been diagnosed with learning difficulties, IN HIS LAST YEAR OF PRIMARY SCHOOL AND UNDER 12 WEEKS BEFORE HIS SATS!!!!!! I'm thinking, what the fuck have they been doing for the last 6 years? Okay, so he can read amazingly - BUT - he can't retain any of what he's read, and that goes with every other subject. I watched a program last night on Channel 4, called Dispatches on how the education system are failing primary school students and that their maths skills are SO behind in their years. It felt oh so real. So what am i doing to help?? (since the school has taken so long to sort anything out). Right now it's half term. My son is sat infront of a Maths workbook and he's working. Yes, what a mean bitch of a mother i am, but if the school isn't helping, it's down to me. He will do an hour to an hour and a half of this book and then he will read for an hour, and to make...

Red hot bubble baths are always going to be in my top five. Music. I love music. I love ALL kinds of music. I will watch probably 2 hours a day of TV maximum - music however, is always on :) Two in one. My cup of tea/coffee i could not live without, nor could i live without my telephone/mobile. I spend about 3 hours a day on the phone. I think that's quite a lot :) My Tiffany bracelet. My ex husband bought me this for my 30 th birthday. The ONLY present he bought me. Also i bought the pink one which is a Brazilet , you're supposed to tie three knots in it and make three wishes. When the bracelet brakes is when your wishes come true. I got it in August and it's looking like it's almost ready to break. I WILL buy another when it goes - i love it.

I was at my boyfriends but i had to come home because i felt poorly. We had it all planned out, spend a nice day together and then he was going to cook for me tonight, but the best laid plans, don't always happen. So i'm home alone and he is also at home, alone. We've postponed Valentines Day until tomorrow, when hopefully it will turn out good :) Yesterday was good though. I went up the town with my mother and bought me some goodies. I got a pair of RAY BANS , really nice and this time the dog WILL NOT eat them, unlike my last ones, a pair of GREY SKINNY JEANS and a black ruffle sleeved top to go with them, but i can't find that on the website. I also bought two necklaces, pair of earrings and a winter coat. I HAD to buy a coat because i was out in my teeny tiny very thin Superdry one and it started snowing, and i couldn't cope with being freezing anymore - so i went into a shop, saw one and got it. Very nice :) My boyfriend bought me some lovely ELEMIS FACE...

In a very GOOD way. I have just had a 2 1/2 hour chat with my Stinks biological fathers' wife. She's been round for coffee and it was unbelievably pleasant. She is so nice. Now that Stinky and his real dad are getting to know each other, i thought, it would only be right for me to meet up with his wife, just so when Stink goes there for dinner (he's been invited) i'd met her and at least got to know her a bit. We chatted like we'd known each other for years. She talked with Stink and said what a lovely young man he is (well, of course he is, he's mine!!), and i am now fully at ease that she'll treat him well. This is another weight off my mind. Everything WILL fall into place in the end..things ARE slowly coming together.

All these were used in a search engine - and came up with my blog. being agoraphobic im a female past cutter with lots of scars and im scared to meet guys disgusting ugly insecure depressed i have agoraphobia and went out today i hate agoraphobia agoraphobia court i'm agoraphobic heartbroken my life is crap and i am ugly high maintenace ugly agoraphobic wants a divorce how to agoraphobia got its name i am agoraphobic scared i'm going to throw up picking blogspot skin agrophobia stupid I am loving the highlighted one :)

I don't know if i have posted these before, but doesn't matter if i have. My name is Sarah and my memory is shocking :) Comment and tell me where i am!!!

This was taken earlier when we were shopping. I have to say, my camera time is an hour fast - must remember to change that.

Well, clearly i blog! I have just spent 10 minutes chopping up a mixture of dried fruit; apricots, prunes, coconut, raisins, pineapple, banana, mango and some odd looking thing (that actually tasted like vomit) to soak and go into my sons porridge in the morning. YUM! My lad is so lucky that his ma doesn't sleep :)

TO ALL MY FEMALE READERS. PUT PICTURES OF YOURSELF UP FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, MAKE-UP FREE! IT TOOK ME AN AWFUL LOT TO DO MINE THIS MORNING...LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN DO IT TOO :) SEND ME THE LINK TO MY EMAIL - BEINGSARAHC@AOL.COM AND I WILL POST IT TO MY BLOG. GO ON, I DARE YOU :)

Bluebell absolutely knows when she's going to the groomers. I have to carry her in there because she hates it so much. The outcome, is good though. She looks amazing.

Off out today. Can't wait. It's cold..um...looks like it could snow, or hail, or rain, or something unpleasant. Today is Bluebells hair grooming day. She knows as soon as we pull up what's going on, definitely not a lover of having her hair cut. Anyway, i'm in a really good mood. Very in love and very happy. Here are a few pictures that i wanted to post. First one is of me in my sons PJ bottoms. My mother bought them for him from Gap at Christmas, and they fit me better, so i am "borrowing" them :) They are very retro - i ♥ them. Second picture is a VERY brave one of me. I am trying to stop being so paranoid about the way i look. I still hate myself and i don't care if i get shitty comments, in fact, that is the main reason i am putting it up - so if someone says i look hideous, i can deal with it. I just took the picture, not been up long, got no make-up on, nothing. My scars and bad skin is very noticable in this picture, but i don't give ...

I have got a new blog called MY DAILY WALKS . I'm keeping a diary of my road to recovery :)

Do you know that theme tune? Everybody does! I have a next door but one neighbour, who is lovely. She's 37 and has 5 children. Over the last 12 months+ she's been popping over for cuppa's more and more, and we talk like there is no tomorrow. She has just left my house and it's gone 10pm. She knows all about my problems, every last one of them and doesn't judge. I LOVE these people that don't judge. What happened was this. I had just got my duvet cover out of the tumble dryer and because i only have the one which goes with my bedroom it has to go straight back on my bed. Usually i have Stink to help me, but he's at daddys and i CANNOT do it myself. 9 times out of 10 i will end up crying because it's all lumpy and i get frustrated because it won't lay straight. This is exactly what happened tonight. I couldn't get it right, so i had a temper tantrum and threw duvet in one corner of my room and the cover in the other. I went straight online to see i...

A comment was left for me at my "Divorce" Blog and it REALLY pissed me off to be honest. This is what it said... I hope you have taken this opportunity to expand your circle of people you can trust. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on the new guy and doing your best to convince yourself that he's the answer to all your problems. I noticed a pretty swift change in attitude at exactly the time he came into the picture. Maybe before things get to serious with him you should take a step back and work on some your issues. No matter how great the new guy is no man wants to be shouldered with his lover's problem...God know we all have enough of our own. Best of luck. Maybe some of you would agree with the above statement, i don't know...but for whoever reads my blog on a regular basis would know that i have NEVER put any pressure on my BF. I have never relied on him, depended on him, expected anything from him. For me, in a relationship all i real...

I don't know if you'll remember but back in June (the 1st to be exact), my mother and i were involved in a car crash. Well, it just so happens that i am entitled to a rather nice amount of compensation. HAPPY DAYS!!!!! That'll pay for Christmas.

My boyfriend has asked me to meet his mother. On Sunday. His mother lives 20 miles away. Dual carriage way the whole way. Meaning, no quick escape. I'm pooping myself. What the fuck do i do? HELP!

Just had a very lengthy conversation about panic and agoraphobia (again) with my boyfriend. It goes something like this. (HIM) - So what if you panic when you're out? (ME) - For starters i am scared. What would happen if i got to that point when we are in the car...too far from home and not that much nearer to our destination and i start to freak out. I'm shaking, can't breath...sweating, crying, feeling awful, praying...and desperate for my mother. I have been known to just sit in the car for hours not going in either direction because i have been that frightened and full of panic. But then when YOU want to move, i couldn't/wouldn't be able to because of the fear that something awful WILL happen. (HIM) - Like what? (ME) - I worry that i might puke (HIM) - And? (ME) - I have emetophobia , if i panic because i am out then i start to feel like i am going to throw up...that is going to make me panic more (HIM) - And? (ME) - Have you ever seen a women punch and hit the...

Is it any wonder i have frigging self esteem issues? Yesterday in the car, i pointed out to her that my skin (for once) was looking REALLY clear. Her response to that was "Are you wearing a lot of make-up then?". That fact of the matter was, ALL i had on my face was a bit of powder, nothing else, but she finds is near on impossible to EVER say i look nice. Today, i get "You're hair is looking untidy and really messy these days." Oh dear God. My hair was tied back and a few bits had fallen out of the sides...nothing major, but mum clearly didn't approve!!!! Also, on the way we were talking about my sister and she has problematic skin too and mother said "You definitely don't get bad skin from me!" Driving back from hers, she couldn't have moaned at my driving any more than she did. CONSTANT pick, pick, picking. At one point i did turn round and say "No wonder i am mental", and from there she didn't talk to me anymore. Typica...

Alright there people. I need some help. I've got to make a decision that will cause me extreme pain, but it's one that needs to be addressed. Should i let my boyfriend go to find a "normal" girlfriend? I cannot stand seeing the disappointment in his face when i can't do things. It crushes me every time. I love this man so much, but he doesn't deserve to be stuck with a fuck up like me.

I'm going to lose this boyfriend next! My inability to do things is going to kill THIS relationship too. He wanted me to walk to the garage which is about 10-15 minutes...a little further than i would like to go, so i said no, but i don't mind just going out for a wee walk. Then he suggested going out in the car, and i said no again. If i KEEP saying no, he's leaving. I know that for sure. I'm not stupid. I FUCKING HATE AGORAPHOBIA, I FUCKING HATE BEING LIKE THIS, I FUCKING HATE THE WAY IT DESTOYS ANY GOOD THING I HAVE IN MY LIFE...IT CONTROLS MY LIFE...BUT I AM POWERLESS AGAINST THE FEAR. I want nothing more than to be a normal happy girl who can leave the house - but at this point, i am scared that this is it, this is my life... I WILL end up alone.

I've just spent the last two days with my boyfriend, at his house. TWO days, away from my home. That is quite something on a panic/anxiety/agoraphobia level. We had a lovely time. I am so happy to have such a fabulous man in my life. While i was at his, i had an old friend contact me and we were talking about our exes. Telling her about ARSEWIPE reminded me how bloody lucky i am to be with my boyfriend.