He's slipping away..

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I'm going to lose this boyfriend next!
My inability to do things is going to kill THIS relationship too.

He wanted me to walk to the garage which is about 10-15 minutes...a little further than i would like to go, so i said no, but i don't mind just going out for a wee walk.

Then he suggested going out in the car, and i said no again.

If i KEEP saying no, he's leaving. I know that for sure. I'm not stupid.

I FUCKING HATE AGORAPHOBIA, I FUCKING HATE BEING LIKE THIS, I FUCKING HATE THE WAY IT DESTOYS ANY GOOD THING I HAVE IN MY LIFE...IT CONTROLS MY LIFE...BUT I AM POWERLESS AGAINST THE FEAR.

I want nothing more than to be a normal happy girl who can leave the house - but at this point, i am scared that this is it, this is my life...

I WILL end up alone.

Comments

Nikki said…
I have the same worries/fears as you. I say no so many times, half the time I just make excuses quite naturally and its only after that I realise Ive not been honest with Si or myself about why I didnt want to go somewhere.. I dont know why but I rarely ever say 'I can't manage it today'.. As long as he knows why youre saying no then Im sure he understands. He might get frustrated when you stop trying, but from what I see you try to get out everyday, youre not sat there saying you just wont do it. Added to this you said you wouldnt mind a small walk, so it was a compromise rather than a straight up no.

Si used to ask if Id go on holiday, see a film, have a drink.. its always been no, no, no, so youre not alone.

Ive got a struggle ahead now. Si is away this week so I have to take Jay to a kids party just outside the city centre to a place Ive never been, then stay there for the duration (2hrs). We're meant to see Annie again tomorrow so Im dreading that, despite the fact I REALLY want to see her.. Then I should go to the talk at the dogs trust on Sunday so Im able to take her home, but thats an hr away, then Id be (trapped) there for the 40min talk, then theres the drive back.. Si cant go because he wont be home yet, so Im being a burden there too!

I know it can feel pretty miserable sometimes.

Hugs to you xxxx.
01/02/2010, 21:28
coffeecup said…
Did he react badly when you said no? Figured he's known from day one how life is for you, so surely he will understand that you have days when you don't feel well enough? If he doesn't test or ask then he won't know if you can or can't. He doesn't come across from what you've told us, as the sort of guy to hold grudges and bear resentment. So if he loves you, then the agoraphobia will not make you lose him. That's just the excuse coward men make when they can't think of anything better to throw at us.

I so know how you feel about effing hating the agoraphobia though. Bad day today (for me) never quite know what you're gonna get from one hour to the next!
You've taken a bigger braver step than me gorgeous lady, by having a relationship! :-) :-)

If you believe it will drive him away then it's gonna eat you up thinking like that, you'll start feeling guilty and you may start behaving like it's all lost too. Nikki's right, compromise and go as far as you're comfortable with. If he loves you, he will love you for all of you, and won't be looking for the 'perfect' person you wish you were. PFFT! Hope that makes sense?

Love comes with worry and fear of loss. That's the deal because it's worth it right? xxx
01/02/2010, 23:52
Drew said…
What exactly are you so afraid of Sarah? Can you pinpoint something specific that you fear if you were to go out with your boyfriend? Some specific event or sensation? You're a bright girl. You know that for any "fear point" you can think of, you can reason it away if you challenge the thoughts and follow them through to a rational conclusion.

Instead of telling your boyfriend that you can't or won't go out with him, maybe you can say that you'll try to go, but that if you need to turn around and come home he'll have to respect that and do it immediately. I bet that 7 times out of 10, once you're out and engaged in the process of tackling the challenge you'll want to keep going and you'll find that the fear isn't nearly as intense as you expected it to be.

It sounds like you're crippled by anticipatory anxiety, which is ALWAYS worse the anything an actual event throws at you.
02/02/2010, 00:10
Unknown said…
Hi,

I could so relate to your blog! Agoraphobia is so hard! And yes it can be hard on relationships too!

I wanted to tell you that there are really great telephone support groups for agoraphobia that I call into (and that have helped me tremendously)-- they are provided by Social Anxiety Anonymous (a nonprofit)-- http://www.healsocialanxiety.com

All the best!
25/02/2010, 10:05
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