Here goes.
Just had a very lengthy conversation about panic and agoraphobia (again) with my boyfriend.
It goes something like this.
(HIM) - So what if you panic when you're out?
(ME) - For starters i am scared. What would happen if i got to that point when we are in the car...too far from home and not that much nearer to our destination and i start to freak out. I'm shaking, can't breath...sweating, crying, feeling awful, praying...and desperate for my mother. I have been known to just sit in the car for hours not going in either direction because i have been that frightened and full of panic. But then when YOU want to move, i couldn't/wouldn't be able to because of the fear that something awful WILL happen.
(HIM) - Like what?
(ME) - I worry that i might puke
(HIM) - And?
(ME) - I have emetophobia, if i panic because i am out then i start to feel like i am going to throw up...that is going to make me panic more
(HIM) - And?
(ME) - Have you ever seen a women punch and hit themselves? Bite and pinch?
(HIM) - No...i've seen WORSE! What about that happening in a supermarket?
(ME) - I wouldn't like it of course
(HIM) - But who gives a shit? Who cares what other people think?
(ME) - It's not even about what other people think, because at the point of panic, the HEIGHT of panic, i can't even remember my name... It's the way it make ME feel. How i get embarrassed of myself.
(HIM) - Nothing you could do, would embarrass me.
(ME) - But it's how I feel. When panic comes over me, i feel sick, sickness makes me panic more. Then if i am away from home, i know i have to get back, which again, will make me panic...i cannot bare that feeling. The feeling of losing your mind. The feeling that whatever you do, will not help you. Go towards home and the panic rising all the time until you are close enough to feel safe.
(HIM) - Sarah, i don't care if you panic, i don't care if you throw up...
(ME) - I DO. I DO CARE. I don't want to vomit - ever!
(HIM) - How often have you done that when you've been out?
(ME) - I've been close to it...and that makes me panic.
(HIM) - The chances of you doing it, is next to nothing.
(ME) - I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to experience that wave of horribleness flooding my senses, consuming me...all of me.
(HIM) - But i will do whatever you need me to do.
(ME) - I understand that. But you are missing the point. I know you won't mind what i do or how i react, but i do care.
(HIM) - So you're worried what people will think?
(ME) - No. Yes. No. I dunno. I just don't like feeling it. I don't like feeling that when i am out and at the "point of no return" i start feeling horrible...and i am too scared to go any further and too scared to go back - am i repeating myself?
(HIM) - Don't care if you are repeating yourself...i want to know.
(ME) - I'm scared and it makes me feel awful. I have to go now...goodnight
That's about it.
It goes something like this.
(HIM) - So what if you panic when you're out?
(ME) - For starters i am scared. What would happen if i got to that point when we are in the car...too far from home and not that much nearer to our destination and i start to freak out. I'm shaking, can't breath...sweating, crying, feeling awful, praying...and desperate for my mother. I have been known to just sit in the car for hours not going in either direction because i have been that frightened and full of panic. But then when YOU want to move, i couldn't/wouldn't be able to because of the fear that something awful WILL happen.
(HIM) - Like what?
(ME) - I worry that i might puke
(HIM) - And?
(ME) - I have emetophobia, if i panic because i am out then i start to feel like i am going to throw up...that is going to make me panic more
(HIM) - And?
(ME) - Have you ever seen a women punch and hit themselves? Bite and pinch?
(HIM) - No...i've seen WORSE! What about that happening in a supermarket?
(ME) - I wouldn't like it of course
(HIM) - But who gives a shit? Who cares what other people think?
(ME) - It's not even about what other people think, because at the point of panic, the HEIGHT of panic, i can't even remember my name... It's the way it make ME feel. How i get embarrassed of myself.
(HIM) - Nothing you could do, would embarrass me.
(ME) - But it's how I feel. When panic comes over me, i feel sick, sickness makes me panic more. Then if i am away from home, i know i have to get back, which again, will make me panic...i cannot bare that feeling. The feeling of losing your mind. The feeling that whatever you do, will not help you. Go towards home and the panic rising all the time until you are close enough to feel safe.
(HIM) - Sarah, i don't care if you panic, i don't care if you throw up...
(ME) - I DO. I DO CARE. I don't want to vomit - ever!
(HIM) - How often have you done that when you've been out?
(ME) - I've been close to it...and that makes me panic.
(HIM) - The chances of you doing it, is next to nothing.
(ME) - I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to experience that wave of horribleness flooding my senses, consuming me...all of me.
(HIM) - But i will do whatever you need me to do.
(ME) - I understand that. But you are missing the point. I know you won't mind what i do or how i react, but i do care.
(HIM) - So you're worried what people will think?
(ME) - No. Yes. No. I dunno. I just don't like feeling it. I don't like feeling that when i am out and at the "point of no return" i start feeling horrible...and i am too scared to go any further and too scared to go back - am i repeating myself?
(HIM) - Don't care if you are repeating yourself...i want to know.
(ME) - I'm scared and it makes me feel awful. I have to go now...goodnight
That's about it.
Comments
"So what if you panic."
"Ummm...because it is a really really bad bad feeling that I wish to not have."
But in the end I just went and did shit and panicked anyway. And it royally sucks, especially trying to explain it to someone who has had a panic attack.
But I am glad to hear he is so understanding.
x
He's really sympathetic isn't he? You have a star guy there. At least you know he'll stand by you no matter what. He is trying to learn and support and that has to be a good thing. I'm sure you two will work it out. xxx
Si tries his best to understand but sometimes I feel he doesnt get it at all.. just when I think he gets it he comes out with something and Im taken aback at his lack of understanding after so long.. But I know unless youve been there you cant totally understand/help and I dont blame him at all.
Your fella seems like a lovely lovely guy and talking will always help you both.. I regularly tell Si I dont want to repeat myself (I find myself boring!), but he seems to like whatever I say even if it is for the 100th time!
xx.
For someone that does not have panic disorder, its easy to dismiss this as irrational and to try to reason it away the way your boyfriend did. He's 100% right too. Problem is that you can't fix this by reasoning alone. There has to also be experience - facing the fear and learning that there's nothing to be afraid of.
So, maybe you can tell him that no amount of talking about it can help, but that maybe he can help you by supporting your efforts to face the fear. Be there with you, understand unconditionally how frightened you really are, but at the same time help to gently and lovingly push you forward bit by bit.
Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but sometimes I think the condition can actually help build a REALLY strong and lasting relationship. It doesn't have to be a negative. Take the reins, start summoning up some courage, and trust him to take the journey with you.