BEING SARAH.......

N.B - I had the mic volume up too high, so it sounds shit - i apologise :)

I've just spent 6 hours in A & E. I felt so rotten today, breathless, heart racing, exhaustion, i couldn't take it anymore. Basically i am being treated for DVT. Which is shit. I am having to inject myself everyday for the next...who knows? AND (AND SARAH O O IF YOU ARE READING THIS)...They took blood from my fucking wrist!!!!!! WTF? SOOOO PAINFUL. :(

I felt a whole lot better today. So much so, i managed to get dressed, albeit a VERY bad decision. Let me give you some advice. DO NOT attempt to put on SKINNY shorts just after having knee arthroscopy, DOES NOT WORK! I feel i will be wearing this outfit for the foreseeable future! Cannot get them off now ... lol

UGH! Red, swollen, sore... Still can't put my knee to the floor when lying down, can't bend it... This is shite.

Today I feel like I have the worlds worst hangover. I am shakey, tired and feel really unwell. I managed to pass out last night which was a treat. My boyfriend has been caring for me since Friday, and I'm thinking I am becoming nothing short of a pain in the arse. I'm staying at his tonight because there's a downstairs loo, a bonus!

It would appear that little me has overdone it slightly. After getting home yesterday just after 5pm i preceded to behave like i'd just been to the hairdressers, rather than having an operation. I was walking, albeit slowly around the house, i was washing up, helping my boyfriend cook dinner....normal stuff. Bedtime, i slept like shit. I could feel the stitches pulling which isn't a good feeling. I reckon i might have had 2 hours, if that. This morning, i went off to my mothers jewellers with her, and then back into town, where i walked A LOT on my crutches, but it hurt. I did grocery shopping too. Came home and i felt awful. Headache, nausea...and pain. I've just woken from a 45 minute sleep, feeling better than i did before, but my knee is really beginning to pain me, saying that, i've had ONE paracetamol this entire time, so i'm not doing too bad. Going to hit the hard drugs in a bit...

Lets just put into perspective ALL what i have achieved in the last couple of weeks. Pretty fantastic i'd say.. :)

Left home at 10am, straight to my boyfriends mums where we spent an hour and a half. I was so thirsty it was untrue. Got to the hospital at midday. THANK GOD i was the first in at 1.30am. I almost immediately had to get undressed into my gown, had my vitals taken and pretty much walked down to theater. My boyfriend couldn't come with me, so it was the "Green Mile" alone! Up to that point i was so calm. Stupidly calm. In through the double doors and i cried. Laid on the bed, got comfy and they put in the cannula . First drug to go in was a pain killer, made me very woozy. Then came an anti sickness. After that was the G.A. I don't remember drifting off at all. Came round and thanked the surgeon, in fact i grabbed his hand and thanked him many times, crying again!!!! ...and now, i am home. Tired but okay! Ooops , forgot to say, my meniscus had obviously torn BUT had also flipped itself over, so it was completely removed! MY PICTURE, POORLY KNEE!

I got to my boyfriends mothers house today which is only a matter of minutes from the hospital - GO ME!

It's Thursday morning and this time tomorrow i will be heading toward the hospital to have my knee FINALLY done. Am i shitting myself? Yes and no. The plans are these... My boyfriend is going to take me to the hospital (YES, I AM GOING WITHOUT MY MOTHER). It will be by far the longest journey to date, what a day to do it!!!. On the way we are going to stop at his mothers...to take my mind off my impending operation and meet his brother who has only just managed to make it back to the UK after being stranded in Hong Kong for days due to that volcano eruption! As soon as i go down to theater, my boyfriend will at that point call my mother to get her to come. Why? Because he has a very small car and i don't think that getting in OR out will be a possibility. Thinking about it, i am not panicking, more of those butterfly sensations. I am however extremely concerned that i cannot wear make-up! WTF? My skin looks like hell...this is going to be a toughy!

...but, i kept being interrupted! Apart from that, i LOVE my short hair....

It's getting closer to my operation day. My knee is so painful today, i really don't give a shit about having it done.

MY WEEKEND!!!! Today, i achieved the thing that i have been working towards. We went to the park and had a picnic. THIS IS HUGE!

Mentally i am feeling stronger than i have in a long long time. Emotionally, i feel like shit. Can't shake this feeling of being so unattractive and useless. I don't write this for people to say that i'm "not ugly" because of course people won't say "Oh yeah Sarah, you look like a pig". I would rather people be honest that trying to make me feel better. I know what i see. I know what i look like RIGHT NOW and its horrible. My boyfriend will leave me, if it's not because me being so disgusting, it will be something else to do with me being so damn pathetic.

(PLEASE EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE TODAY - I APOLOGISE IN ADVANCE.) ..and no one is out there. Better out than in i suppose. BAD DAY. EMOTIONALLY. VERY BAD DAY. I don't know if it's hormones, i would love to blame it on that, but i dunno. Fucking hell. Whatever it is, it has hit me like a ton of frigging bricks. I am lying here, alone at 12.44am, can't sleep/won't sleep. I have a head full of fuck. I feel like absolute dog shit. I am having one of those "Too fat/too ugly/too spotty, no personality, too mental, too fucking stupid, just basically not fucking good enough...." days. ARGHHHHHHHHHH ! Right now in my relationship at 10 months in, i can honestly say, i love him more than i could have ever imagined, more than the arsewipe ex, i didn't ever think those words would come out of my mouth. HOWEVER - How can i EVER stop comparing myself to the 'exes'? I feel so insecure that they were beautiful/normal/proper sized tits/could go out, just fucking NOR...

I don't really write much about my knee (torn meniscus), probably because i have lived with it like this for the last 8 years, but over the last 6 months it has deteriorated to maybe 25% use. I cannot bend or kneel AT ALL, but at the same time, straightening it is also impossible. The pain is 24/7 The locking happens every day at least 10 times. And to unlock it now, makes me want to throw up. I have like electric shock pains in it and that happens every 5 minutes. I have to use crutches now to get around. I get up and downstairs on my bottom. I have to sit down to get dressed. Getting in and out of the bath is also near impossible. Cannot get comfortable in bed. Next Friday can't come quick enough for me.

..Next Friday!

My best friend yesterday had to have an operation (details of op withheld). We spoke about this on Sunday night and she was terrified. She hates needles which is a massive factor when having an operation. Anyway - she somehow managed to blag her way to the front of the queue and got done first (she has private health care!). I get a call at 10.40. She's all done. She sounded very drunk as she had ONLY JUST been taken back to her room. Later on, on her way home she calls me again. She tells me that as soon as she came round enough to know what she was thinking all she wanted to do was 'Call Sarah'. Hence why she was still very much drowsy when i got the first call. I think that is so lovely. She didn't want to call her auntie, or cousin who are very prominent in her life (since her mother died in 1999) - it was me. I adore my friend. Absolutely love her. We've been friends now since 1990, thats 20 years this year. When she moved away, i was devestated, but i think...

“Hate is an invisible chain.” When you don’t let go of hate, you let the thing or person you hate maintain control over you. You allow the hatred to keep the channels of negative energy open, sucking out positive emotions and holding you back from true happiness. Cut off the hate and move on! When you cleanse your mind and soul of grudges and negative thoughts, you make new room for positive emotions and joy. Take a moment today to consciously let go of all hatred. Savor the new energy that you’ll feel bursting through to take its place! I HATE NO ONE. I SURROUND MYSELF WITH GOOD, CARING, THOUGHTFUL, UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE AND THOSE WHO HAVE TARNISHED MY LIFE AT SOME POINT. I DON'T HATE THEM, I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM, IN FACT, I WISH THAT THEY WOULD LOOK DEEPER WITHIN THEMSELVES TO FIND THE REAL REASON AS TO WHY THEY BEHAVE IN THE WAYS THEY DO. IN MY HONEST OPINION, FRIENDS/FAMILY, OKAY, YOU MAY NOT 'LIKE' NECESSARILY WHAT THEY DO FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT CRITICISING AND DEMEANING...

DRIVING.... ...my weekend! In basic steps...lol. ((Oops - I forgot Friday night. I went to the pub and met my friends down there!!!)) 1) Salsa dancing on Saturday night. 2) Drove to my boyfriends on Sunday, stayed all day and did gardening. 3) Went out into the middle of no where to a pub where i have been invited on Sunday by my boyfriends family. His brother lives in New Zealand and is coming home, so there is a party happening. I wanted to A) See how far it is and B) See if i could get there. It's a LONG way for me (10 miles) furthest i have been on my own with my fella, EVER. We drove the dual carriage ways, which was a first. From the pub we went to the garden centre, picked up some plants for his garden, then we had a coffee and chips in a pub. Back round to my boyfriends and planted what we'd bought. After that, back to mine but not for long because we then went to Tescos. Which is another first. The lake is what is circled on the map pic.

Just had all my hair cut off - for the summer!!! SHORT, SHORT, SHORT!

Only Salsa dancing people! Oh yeah...the agoraphobic with two left feet has been invited (with boyfriend) along with two other couples to have a go on Saturday night. I am SO excited. I've not been out on a Saturday in YEARS and i can't dance, should be brilliant :)

My pup goes everywhere i do. If i go to the loo, she's outside the door. If i go downstairs, she comes too. If i put rubbish outside, she follows me! This second, of course she's right here. Anyway, i was sitting outside playing with the my iPhone, downloading apps and stuff and i took a little pic of Bluebell just to see how clear the image was. What do you think?

Ready for summer :) I'm being a tad optimistic!

My boyfriend left me this morning at 8.15am (wanted his 'me' time) and i've not stopped crying since. I am a mess. I don't know if it's to do with the not smoking because today has been by far the hardest day yet...i absolutely NEED to smoke RIGHT NOW...but i'm not. Instead i am substituting yummy chocolate biscuits for the ciggies. Not the smartest thing i have ever done and i did try blueberries, but didn't quite hit the spot. To me, and perhaps i am wrong(?), but Bank Holidays are meant to be for people in relationships to be together? Whereas my boyfriend left so early this morning, like he couldn't wait to get out of the door. I don't know if i am reading too much into things, but i feel that he's not as affectionate just lately, and that the phone calls/texts are not as frequent. I really don't know. If i was to say any of this then he'd say i was worrying for nothing... but sometimes you just "know" something is wrong.

ANOTHER NEW THING - I was left alone in my boyfriends house for over an hour yesterday morning while he went off to work and i waited for mum to collect me so we could go shopping :) Yesterday was nice. I cooked dinner. I did rib eye steak, big flat mushrooms cooked in garlic butter, tomatoes, onions and i roasted chip shaped potato pieces in the oven in olive oil...better for you - right???? Anyway...dinner went down well, all clean plates so i am guessing it was good. I did myself salmon because i am loving that right now...i can't get enough, and its really good for you too. Today is Easter Sunday. I'm on DAY FOUR - NO SMOKING! Who would have thought that giving up would be so fricking easy?? No gum/patches or pretend cigarette to suck on, just me and good old fashioned willpower. I've had NOT one attack of asthma, nor have i used my Ventolin...or coughed. Yay for no smoking, and currently i have saved myself £12.12. Can't be bad. I cooked my boys sausages this morn...

Good girl Sarah. ANOTHER FIRST! Went to the shopping centre today with my boyfriend. How good am i? I drove his car because...i can...then onto his favourite supermarket, and back into town where he purchased an iPhone. He's spent the last hour and a half playing with - currently, my state of mind is BORED!!!!!

I've never (thank God) had bad asthma, it's been mainly allergy related, for example hay fever, certain animals, flowers...dust...the normal. When i smoked before it never had any effect on my asthma, not at all. I don't recall ever waking up in the night gasping for a breath, whereas now...since i started smoking again, it's a regular nightly thing. Wake up coughing/wheezing around 1am/4am...fumble for my inhaler...and i'm usually okay. Last night was a baddy. Not bad enough to call 999, but i was pretty scared. My coughing/wheezing started a lot earlier than normal, even before i went to bed i had used my inhaler twice. Got to bed and managed to fall asleep around 1am. I would say every 20 minutes until 3am i was coughing, bringing up something unpleasant. Anyway, 3am, i was gasping again...coughing...tightness, lovely and when you're on your own...very frightening. This morning, after last nights little episode i decided not to smoke today. It's 4.31pm a...