BEING SARAH.......

My most gorgeous friend in the whole wide world is.....pregnant. At 21 weeks she is absolutely blooming. She looks stunning (cause she always does), her wee tummy is a perfect shape, and her baby (from the scan pictures) has her nose ;) I am SO happy for her and her fella....and because the old bag moved away in 2009, i don't get to see her that often, saying that, i see her MORE now than i did when she lived 5 minutes away. Of course she'll be naming the baby after me....SARAH....just kidding! She doesn't know what the sex is...but i have my feelings :)

Having very few memories of my early childhood, parents divorcing, us (mum, sister and me) moving to Clacton with the 'Man from across the road'....my sister does. She has vivid memories of the 'hell' we went through and she struggles terribly with the whole ordeal and i call it an ordeal because at her age of almost 41 it still rips her apart. Mentally it has fucked her up. She has decided to write about it. So far she has got to her teenage years and she just read me what she's written so far. Oh my gosh. To be honest i am thankful that i don't recall the early days. What we went through and what she CAN remember is horrible. Our life, growing up i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was a VERY unhappy upbringing with a mixture of beatings, heads being banged together, arguments, my step fathers insanely wild temper and being punished for nothing more than leaving crumbs on a chair or leaving a cup on the side. As i got older i remember thing...

www.youtube.com/fighting4hope

www.youtube.com/fighting4hope

...laying in bed, scared to sleep in case i have another one of those hideous dreams that frightened the life out of me. Today i'm down and depressed. Fed up

Last night, i made a conscious effort to turn off my TV before midnight. I put my earphones in and listened to some lovely calming music combined with the sound of crashing waves. I set the timer for 45 minutes and managed to fall asleep. ..12.43am - i wake up from the most awful dream. I was driving down the road with my arsehole ex (who didn't drive, so thats strange) and we spot a plane taking off, it was pretty close. Suddenly the plane flipped over and crashed to the ground, this was all happening within 1/2 mile from where we were. As the impact was made, debris was going everywhere...people in the streets where being hit by the shattered plane. There was a man in front of our car, he looked up into the sky and i just knew there was something big heading toward him (and us)....at that point - thank God i woke. I was sweating...so hot, i had to change my clothes. It took me a good 2 hours to cool down, stop stressing and go back to sleep. DREAM MEANING DICTIONARY - To ...

..because i got up STUPID early, got made up, hair washed for an appointment with a NLP therapist today...but my boyfriend called me sick, so i didn't go...but here is my OOTD! I LOOK FAB......NOT! I'm wearing an H & M cream jumpery kind thing with a hood, of course. Under that is a white Next long sleeved t-shirt top, got my favourite Gap jeans that i've had for years and they are so comfy now and on my feet that you can't see are my circa. 1996 Adidas tennis shoes, love 'em. I've glued them back together a gazillion times!! My bag was a Christmas present from Accessorize! Done! FOR EM :) The front of them (the toe) is a suede like material, but they are completely messed up with alcohol where i use to work at the pub...and the insides are ruined. I bought them in May 1996, just before i went to Australia. JUNE 1996!!! NOW...

Moan, whinge, groan, bitch, whine, gripe...that's all i seem to do. It's Sunday. A day i would usually see my man, but this morning i made the decision that i wanted to come home and 'be alone'.......wtf? I've had the most miserable, depressing, negative thought provoking day since FRIDAY! Cry? Yes. I have cried countless times. Feeling fucking sorry for myself. Check. Yes, done that too. Yesterday, although i was anxious about going to my boyfriends, i got there without panicking (this is a lovely new experience, one that i haven't had to deal with for a very long time!). We had a lovely afternoon, had dinner, then one of his friends came round. We were still talking until the early hours, time flew, i ENJOYED myself. ..but then this morning, i woke up with that awful sense of "I HATE MYSELF TODAY"..."TOO UGLY TO BE OUT"..."TOO UGLY TO BE SOMEONE'S GIRLFRIEND" ...ugh, just a bad bad day to be in the company of anyon...

We were entertaining last night and i think i fell into about about 2am. I'm an insomniac as a rule, but hell...i was so desperate for my bed, but by the time i got there, guess what? I WAS WIDE AWAKE! Ugh.

What i hate is not being able to tell people how i really feel without feeling guilty for moaning. My mother STILL doesn't know how much i hate myself, and if i try and tell my boyfriend he will constantly remind me of how there are people who are much worse off than me (WHICH I DO, I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND), but what i feel, day in, day out - it's fucking soul destroying. Sitting here today, not knowing what to do with myself. I feel ill. I am tired. I just want to be normal and well.... I want to cry it out to someone who really understands and cares about me...and i can't do that. I am so down and i don't know what to do about it. I wish i felt better. Please, If there is a God out there - help me. I really need help. I'm crying into my pillow so my wonderful little man doesn't hear me...

MY LIFE JUST ISN'T WHAT I EXPECTED WHEN I WAS GROWING UP! I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS. I DIDN'T WANT TO HATE MYSELF. I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF IT. WHEN YOU ARE CONSUMED WITH SO MANY ISSUES - IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT TO KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN IN ORDER TO MAKE IT BETTER.

...is so hard. You think you've solved one problem, then another pops up. ALL my issues are connected. Eating disorder > Hate myself > BDD > Low self esteem > Depression >

I know, this post is a couple of days late, but i'm a busy girl...PMSL! Not really...i just forgot to do it!! On Sunday, my boyfriend came round and said "We're going for a walk." That was it. There wasn't any "Would you like to go for a walk?", we were going, simple as that. Thing is, when i am rocking around with a fucking blood clot in my body, obviously it causes a certain amount of anxiety, however, this doesn't come into it with my boyfriend. We went. I was fine. It was actually REALLY good. Very very windy and cold, but it certainly blew out the cobwebs ;)

It's all good going into the skin, give it a couple of seconds and....BAM....the stinging pain kicks in. I liken it to have a million stinging nettles being brushed over your skin for about 2 minutes. NOT FUN, and really not fun when you have to do it sitting in the car because you were out shopping! Ultrasound - Thursday morning :)

Been treated for ANOTHER blood clot in the leg!!!! Fucking great. Back on the injections.

...for a day trip to A & E! My son had his first sporting accident today. He was playing rugby (which he really loves), went in for a tackle, the other guy pushed him over and then his shin smacked Stinkys knee...'causing pain...and more pain. I got the call from the school to come and take him to the hospital. 5 HOURS LATER, we left. He's on crutches, got to go back next Tuesday. He has done damage to the ligaments - which is crappy, because that's P.E out of the window for a bit. Just as well really, it's going to take about a month and a half of soaking to get the mud out of his clothes...!

..LIVING with Body Dysmorphia Disorder is hard enough, but i really didn't think it through that well when i agreed to do this collaboration channel. The whole reason i've not been making videos that often for my own personal channel is because...well...i just feel too fucking ugly. And since SANTA was generous enough to give me an extra 11 hellish pounds of FAT on my body (gone up in the last week), i just feel gross. I hate myself (EVEN MORE THAN NORMAL), and knowing i am under pressure to make videos once a week is really difficult. Despite eating NO biscuits, NO nibbles, NO cheese, NO bread....only veg once a day, i can't grasp why the weight isn't coming off. Today i bought myself some Weight Watcher scales, the kind that measures water, body fat, BMI and weight. Problem i have is that i am scared to use them in case i don't like what i see, and that will just make me go silly and starve myself, which isn't good, but it works. I have no idea how these...

UGH! Every where you look, there's another 'friend' pregnant, or another celebrity pregnant. I know of so many girls right now who are either pregnant, or just had babies and quite frankly, when you're at 35 (almost 36) and you've ALWAYS desired two children yet you're in a relationship with a man who has NEVER wanted any - it's like...really hard! So, currently, pregnant celebs that i know of are.... Victoria Beckham (who i think has gone through emb

...in January? Am i mad? ANSWER: YES! I am aching so much already. *TRYING* to sweep the leaves with a broom over the grass was pretty hard...AND THEN...climbing up a ladder on seriously uneven ground and reaching up as high as i could to remove all the dead section of honeysuckle...ugh! I wish i wasn't so house/garden proud...be a lot easier. PLUS - The LOVELY LOVELY Emma has made me SO happy today.... MUCH LOVE TO YOU EMMA! You're simply fabulous...and way to generous to me :) :) :)

**READ THIS ARTICLE** I'm going through my Google feed and the article above is there from a website i read. Okay, so it's blatantly clear that Olivia Palermo is slender, although think back to how skinny Nicole Richie was at her worst, much much thinner than this chick. Anyway...it's not the fact that she's getting stick from the comments attached to the article about being thin that is pissing me off, its all the negative feedback on the size of her boobs. Now, being totally honest, it would appear that i share the same bra size as this women. TINY! I would look no different in a bikini top. WHAT IS THE OBSESSION WITH TITS!? I'm thinking because i am not a lesbian nor am i a man i don't and can't understand. I constantly desire a boob job, just to make me look more womanly, but then i would look just like everyone else...having NO breasts is different, and i AM different in a lot of ways. Ugh! TITS/BOOBS/KNOCKERS/HOOTERS/BREASTS.......get on my ner...

I had a smear test - ABNORMAL I had a colpscopy - ABNORMAL I had ANOTHER colpscopy - ABNORMAL All within what? 8 months.... Now i have to wait another SIX months to have a repeat colpscopy......WTF!? How many abnormal results do you need BEFORE action is taken??

I don't know whether it's the feeling of never being in a 'proper' relationship that is getting me down, or is it just my general situation that's pissing me off. 2011 is going to be expensive. I have so many home improvements that i need to do.. 1. Replace the fencing out front of my house where the idiots broke my current one. 2. Decorate Stinky's bedroom. Which includes new furniture, flooring, blind and walls completely re plastered. 3. New shed. Mine is falling apart. No idea how it's still standing. 4. Replace stair carpet. 5. Paint bathroom. 6. Paint kitchen. That's a lot to be able to financially afford and i have no money at all, completely spent out :( These improvements are worrying me. They NEED to be done. I wish they were things that i couldn't think...maybe i can leave that, but i can't. I had to buy a new hoover over Christmas that cost me over £200...really didn't need that!!! My Christmas Visa bill is sitting ne...

Not going to bang on about what new years resolutions i am going to make, because they're bullshit. If something is THAT important to you, then you make the effort to change there and then and not wait for a new year to come around - that's my NEW opinion on resolutions. I've been browsing through Facebook pictures that have been put up by friends and they've made me altogether depressed. I get insanely jealous of people that have A) Got a man who REALLY loves them, loves them enough to be committed to them in some way, B) Girls going out being all girly and having fun and C) People just being out!!!! On that note... HAPPY NEW YEAR!