BEING SARAH.......

This is horrible. My ex husband (No.1) has gone. Gone to live 4 hours away. I am surprisingly devastated. Can't stop crying.

In the cold light of day and back to normality, instead of thinking i did well to go away for a week....i'm laying here thinking what a failure i am............. Why? 1) I SHOULD be able to go away. I went away EVERY SINGLE YEAR from the age of 11 months to 21 years old. 2) Probably ruined my boyfriends holiday by not being more *fun*. Put me in a pub/club situation and i panic. Can't do it. 3) Feel really ugly and sorry for my boyfriend having to be around me. All my pictures my scars are so visible, really destroying my already zero confidence. 4) Can't help comparing how much fun my boyfriend could have had if he'd been with someone else (an ex?). He's not said that, in fact he's said he's very proud of what i did, but i can't help feeling like a 36 year old going on 96. I'm so fucking dull. 5) Wish i could just get up and go somewhere without all the mental preparation beforehand. I can't remember what it's like to ...

I really wish the holiday hadn't ended. I don't like reality. I don't enjoy how my life is here. It's more than stressful, too much anger, resentment.....sadness. It's getting close to when my ex leaves and this is weighing on my mind right now. He's Stinkys dad..... He shouldn't move all that way away. He's meant to be here for my son and for me, to help me bring up our boy.... to be there when i am struggling, but as of Wednesday, i'm alone.... No more 'Daddy'. Okay, being honest now... I do it 95% on my own anyway - but was comforting to know that he was so close to us. What am i going to do now? Again, thinking of it makes me cry. I cried in front of him yesterday and he said "I've been waiting 10 years to see tears from you Sarah.............". I just don't know what to do..... ...I'm right back there, confused with what i am doing.... Yes my holiday was wonderful and i got on really well with ...

I will simply write what i think is important. The negatives.... Had a couple of hiccups, mostly while on the site. How ironic. Being only 2 minutes from the caravan and i freak out! I didn't make it onto the boat... My son was a bit of a shit until Tuesday! I had to come home today :( The positives... I walked miles. We drove around Norfolk, miles from HOME and miles from the caravan, i was fine... More than fine. I felt NORMAL! At no point did i feel like i needed to come home. The (over) 2 hour journey wasn't a problem. I felt relaxed and happy. Had a lovely first holiday with the boyfriend.

First set of pictures and Second set of pictures....

Back home now... Very sad to be back.... Back to my mundane boring life... However, i will post all the good stuff about the holiday later....

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....I am off. Off on holiday for 6 days. I'll be back next Friday. Luckily i have a very lovely friend who is 'house-sitting' or rather, cat sitting for me while i am gone, and that makes me very happy. Bluebell is coming with us.... I might be able to drop a blog while i am gone, but i have no idea what the WiFi is like there. But anyway - wish me luck and i'll be back soon :) Sarah xxxx

VERY VERY BAD DAY! I had a cull of all sugary goodness in my house in an attempt to lose a couple of lbs before the holiday....However today, it has backfired on me, because i have SERIOUS cravings for something sweet to eat. I have NOTHING in my house, at all. This is not pleasing me one bit........

Two good articles, one and two.

My ex husband whom i like, see regularly and is my son's dad (not biological, but has been there from week 2 of pregnancy), is moving to Weymouth, in DORSET, which is like a million miles from here. VERY VERY SAD!! :( (I'm actually crying....flipping heck, we've been divorced for 9 years)

..and i am now stressing about the vast amount of shit i have got to do before i leave. There was me thinking that i could do it all on Friday, but i was being very optimistic. I have just put my first load of washing on, with at least another 3 to go, and each cycle lasting 1 hour 46 minutes.....hmmmm..... Then i've got to do all the ironing and i haven't even started cleaning the house....then there is the actual packing........Oh my goodness!!! On the upside, i have transferred all my make-up into a new make-up bag :) Oh poo....

BRIGHT GREEN!!! :) ...Off i go.............Busy day!

This is my boy. He was invited to go banana boating on the lake that's nearby. He loved it. He doesn't look too happy there...lol.

With only Today, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday until i go away....yeah....did i mention that? I GO ON HOLIDAY IN 4 DAYS TIME... I'm so freaking busy i don't know where to start. Last night my son's friend stayed over, then this morning i had my nephews here - i have ironed all my boyfriends holiday clothes and this afternoon i have got to go to Chelmo to change clothes that i bought on Saturday. Tomorrow out all day, then that leaves Thursday and Friday to get my clothes washed/ironed and everything else sorted.... How am i going to do it? I have already got a ton of ironing to do because i've washed stuff and left it, so i have clean clothes. My boyfriend bought me a lovely 129L bag (with wheels) to pack my stuff in, but i am stressing about what to take. Obviously i need two outfits a day, one for the day time, one for the evening. All my converse, pumps and several pairs of flippies. I need to take numerous handbags, so they match shoes and clothes...you ge...

...Is doing my hair for the holiday. I few highlights and another trim!!! :) The BENEFITS of being with hairdresser...........FREE hair-dos that would usually cost me in the region of £130+ .

...when you go out clothes shopping, get them home and even though you've tried the things on in the shop, you bloody hate them. I've got 4 tops to take back - the upside - i'm going to be getting about £90 back :)

Been shopping for the holiday and i purchased a bikini (extra padding in the bra area) and shorts . I did try to get a different patterned one, but they either didn't have my top size or didn't have a size 8 shorts. So not my first choice, but there was nothing else i could get, and we're going in a week, this was my last shopping chance. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? No. 1 - Even with padding there is still a massive gap between my non-existent tits and the material. No. 2 - SCARS ON SHOW! No. 3 - Belly out. No. 4 - Fucking disgusting arse cheeks hanging out. No. 5 - Cellulite for all to see. N0 6 - Giant veins on my legs extremely visible. Am i completely fucking insane? I look a hideous mess. In fact, i am thinking i should be wearing scuba gear. I am mortified at the state of my ugly body. Cry me a river Sarah, which is just what i am doing.

I am so fricking proud of myself... I think i have done a bloody good job. GIRL POWER!?

Six of Swords Time to travel, perhaps near or to water. Move to a new area. A change of pace and scenery. A slowing down. This part of your journey needs reverence and thought. Pick up the pieces and move on. Regained health, but it's been a slow process. Take slow methodical steps. Keep your chin up; this is a time of recovery. Sadness, but not depression. Coping. Hope is renewed . Ha!!! I am travelling, soon, right near to water.....practically on the seafront. A change of scenery is EXACTLY what i need. The journey needs reverence and thought, of course it does, i am agoraphobic!!! Love it.

Because of the nature of this blog now, with it being on the Mental Health Foundations' site, i don't think it would be entirely appropriate to blog about some of the stuff i generally would, plus, i know i have family reading it too, so i don't really want them reading certain things.... If you know what i mean!? If you'd be interested in reading the OTHER blog, which i am yet to create, send me a comment or email (poosmum@gmail.com) and i will personally invite you, because it will be private. If there is not much interest, then i won't bother. This blog will stay the same....

I felt like screaming at the time, but i'm better now. This just goes to show how i am still very unwell with my agoraphobia. This is exactly how it went... I was in Sainburys, mum was talking to someone, so i said i'd run round and get the few bits that i needed. When i'd finished, she was still talking, i could see her when i turned round. At that point i was thinking that i felt like a 'normal' person, just shopping.... My boy came over and chatted to me for a second then wondered off again. The customer who was being served was taking forever to pack his bags, and there was still one more person before me. Anyway... i turn around again to 'check' to see if my mum was still there, and she'd gone. No son, no mum. I was scouring what little bit of Sainsburys i could see, and nothing. At THIS point the panic rose. I could feel my stomach churning... I continued to look round for them, the people in the queue must have thought i was mad!!!. W...

Walking through town today we suddenly hear a lot of sirens all around us, then, a police car goes flying down a one way system, the wrong way. A few minutes later we hear that Lidl has been robbed/looted.....

...until i go on my first holiday since 1996. Am i nervous...? Ish. Not too bad at the moment, who knows how i will feel come the 20th of August!? I'm trying not to over think it, i will start preparing next week. Clothes washed, clean house.... that kind of thing.. .. I'll report on how i feel nearer the time!

1. Woke up this morning with a face FULL of manky soreness. Bright red, itching, sore, weeping messes all over. Disgusting. I couldn't cope any more and had to take a trip to the doctors. I have ANOTHER skin infection... Given Fucidin H....and antibiotics, hope this sorts it out. 2. The rioters are coming to MY town. They've closed down the shopping centre, the train station that goes directly to the centre and police are on stand-by! WTF? 3. Finished the fence. It took from 10am - 4.20pm. It was really hard work. In between doing my fence i was asked by my neighbours to cut their grass, front and back because the man who lives there is unwell with asthma. I did it, didn't take long. I got straight back into doing the fence, it was the painting that took ages. I was able to fix the brackets on the back (to hold it together), took me a while because i was screwing directly into the wood, no drill holes there for me to make it easier, so my hands are sore.....

Popped up to B & Q to get some paint, threw on my oldest pair of combats, got home, realised there is a massive hole in the bum of said trousers. NOTE TO SELF: Never go commando, not even for a second!!

WTF is happening around London town!? It's bad....but guess what? David Cameron is STILL on holiday. He comes home to sort out the News of the world shit, but London is being burnt/trashed and looted, but he's not coming home.... Three Cheers for our amazing prime minster... UPDATE:- Cameron is back in the country. About time! SUPPORTING THE MET POLICE AGAINST RIOTERS FACEBOOK PAGE....PLEASE LIKE

12 ways to get a second chance in life.

I'm sure last year i blogged about the idiots next door thinking it would be 'fun' to kick down my fence... I obviously didn't think it was much fun considering *I* was going to be the one who had to replace it. After lots of deliberation i decided that i wasn't going to pay over £400 for a proper cemented in one, i was going to do it myself.... Hmm.... Big mistake!? I'm a little bit stupid really to say the least. I thought it was going to be as easy as take the old one out and push the new one into the old holes...that would have been brilliant, however, the fricking holes didn't match up....ANYWHERE! I have just spent 3 hours...or more....hammering in new holes out of an old fence piece. Oh my lordy, i have hammered my thumb, my finger, had a piece of metal in my thumb, splinters everywhere and this is only PHASE 1. It's still wonky, i have to bracket them together (after i buy screws) and then paint the bloody thing. However, the good t...

MY STORY, MENTAL HEALTH FOUNDATION

...I would like to wake up and not feel some kind of stupid ailment. Every time i get a 'new' symptom my head goes nuts. This latest problem is driving me mad. It's the constant shaking, internal shaking and this feeling in the pit of my stomach like i am going to faint, without the fainty head thing..... No, i don't feel like i am going to faint, but my stomach says i am. It's fricking horrendous and quite honestly driving me mad. I WOULD go to the doctors, but last time i went the stupid man just looked at me and referred me to the Mental Health team, so i am STILL dealing with the symptoms and will have to until....whenever. I've got a month until i see the MH people, and then he's not going to make the problem disappear. I'm really not feeling "right" and i am worried that 'they' are missing something seriously wrong with me... :(

... Yes people, i have (after a million years) changed up the appearance of my blog. What do you think? Oh...and i've gone back to my original blog name too :)

If only i knew when to stop the picking, that would be just great. So between digging at my skin with a needle, then changing it to tweezers, i look a frigging mess, but it doesn't stop there. Not happy enough with creating huge holes in several places on my face, i then decide to smother myself in NEAT tree tea oil, straight onto said holes, and guess what? That just burnt my skin...couple of layers down. Lovely attractive look i am sporting right now, PLUS the eczema is back.... In sheer desperation (and distraction away from picking) i thought i'd look online for acne remedies. Found what looked like an awesome product from 'Berts Bees' but not only did it cost a small fortune, i'd have to wait for goodness knows how long before i'd receive it. So i carried on looking and came across the 'miracle' that is Apple Cider Vinegar. I've read countless reviews on this and not one has been bad, so today i purchased a bottle of Organic Cider Vine...

I first met this Scouser online several years ago. I can't remember exactly how long ago, perhaps she can remind me... So Mrs E.L is a very confident, beautiful, supportive, ballsy, understanding, intelligent, opinionated, focused, talented young women. She's given me advice whenever i've needed it. The majority of it is very good, but sometimes, not so great (damn you for telling me to climb a fucking drainpipe!). We can talk and talk for Britain. She's very funny, and never fails to make me laugh. She doesn't judge me for the decisions i make, but she'll tell me what she thinks, and i appreciate her for that. Sometimes it's not what i want to hear, but i know she's right....she's always fucking right. I don't know how one women can be so right, so often. I love her accent... it's like talking to Paul O'Grady! I have to mention that she has a pretty cool husband too. I think we get on pretty well.... :) I know she thin...

When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so fucking special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice when I'm not around You're so fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell I'm doing here? I don't belong here She's running out the door She's running out She runs runs runs Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here

I should not feel so alone. I should not feel like i don't have a single person in the world to talk to. I should not cry, daily. I should not hate my life like i do. I should not walk past a mirror and want to scratch my skin off every part of my hideously scarred body. I should not wish every day to end as soon as it's begun. I should not be analysing every feeling and sensation that goes on inside me. I shouldn't not speak to anyone, all day. I should not envy my son for having a day out in London. I should not feel angry for the people who 'care' about me, but seemingly don't give a fucking shit. I should not feel like a burden, i didn't want to be this way. I should not hate myself as much as i do. I should not have caused hurt and pain to others. I should not have been such a terrible wife, then perhaps my ex would still love me. I should not worry so much. Perhaps if i was nicer, more attractive, more caring, more understanding, more...

I'm bored. I had nothing to do, so i cranked up the old dial up laptop from a gazillion years ago...and check my old email folder - now that was interesting, we're going back to 2003 - 2005(ish). About 100+ were from the ex husband. It actually made me feel sad for a moment, even more sad than i feel normally. There were some nice ones and some really quite pathetic ones from me apologising to him for the way i was. Brought back those feelings of "What if i was normal, i wonder if we would still be married?". I know i've said this before, but if he asked me back, i'm not sure i'd say no.... I am totally insane, because of what he did and how he was to me, but it's heart over head in this case. This is the thing though. I am constantly apologising to people. I apologise for things that aren't even my fault. My boyfriend for example will drop something, and i will say sorry. He'll have a bad day at work, and I will apologise for it. ...

Things aren't going well. :(