I'm sorry!
I'm bored. I had nothing to do, so i cranked up the old dial up laptop from a gazillion years ago...and check my old email folder - now that was interesting, we're going back to 2003 - 2005(ish).
About 100+ were from the ex husband. It actually made me feel sad for a moment, even more sad than i feel normally. There were some nice ones and some really quite pathetic ones from me apologising to him for the way i was. Brought back those feelings of "What if i was normal, i wonder if we would still be married?". I know i've said this before, but if he asked me back, i'm not sure i'd say no.... I am totally insane, because of what he did and how he was to me, but it's heart over head in this case.
This is the thing though. I am constantly apologising to people. I apologise for things that aren't even my fault. My boyfriend for example will drop something, and i will say sorry. He'll have a bad day at work, and I will apologise for it. If someone in the supermarket bashes into ME with their trolley, it'll be me that says sorry to THEM! Why do i feel the need to do this ALL THE TIME!? My friend text me yesterday to see if she could use my landline phone, which of course was fine. She came in, the phone was on the sofa where i'd left it from a call earlier on, she went to pick it up from it's normal place and it wasn't there, so i apologised to her for it not being on the phone base. It's MY phone...why did i say sorry? I feel that anything bad, or not even necessarily 'bad' (i can't really explain it, i hope you know what i mean, i think the examples above are good enough), then it's my fault, i caused it, i should apologise. Another example from yesterday. I was in Sainburys at the ciggie counter and i had the basket on the floor out of the way of people, but struggling to get my money back into my purse and with an impatient women behind me me, creeping closer and closer to me, she kicked the basket.... Now, this was NOT my fault at all, but i turned around and apologised to her several times for A) Being a little slow squeezing the change into my purse (realistically it took about 10 seconds, if that), and B) For her kicking my basket... WTF? Even as i walked away i said sorry.... again! Perhaps it's the desire for people not to think bad of me, or hate me.... (BDD/Low self esteem talking)... i don't know. I just want to be liked i guess and if i apologise then...that's good, right?
I have no idea what i am talking about really....
....sorry ;)
About 100+ were from the ex husband. It actually made me feel sad for a moment, even more sad than i feel normally. There were some nice ones and some really quite pathetic ones from me apologising to him for the way i was. Brought back those feelings of "What if i was normal, i wonder if we would still be married?". I know i've said this before, but if he asked me back, i'm not sure i'd say no.... I am totally insane, because of what he did and how he was to me, but it's heart over head in this case.
This is the thing though. I am constantly apologising to people. I apologise for things that aren't even my fault. My boyfriend for example will drop something, and i will say sorry. He'll have a bad day at work, and I will apologise for it. If someone in the supermarket bashes into ME with their trolley, it'll be me that says sorry to THEM! Why do i feel the need to do this ALL THE TIME!? My friend text me yesterday to see if she could use my landline phone, which of course was fine. She came in, the phone was on the sofa where i'd left it from a call earlier on, she went to pick it up from it's normal place and it wasn't there, so i apologised to her for it not being on the phone base. It's MY phone...why did i say sorry? I feel that anything bad, or not even necessarily 'bad' (i can't really explain it, i hope you know what i mean, i think the examples above are good enough), then it's my fault, i caused it, i should apologise. Another example from yesterday. I was in Sainburys at the ciggie counter and i had the basket on the floor out of the way of people, but struggling to get my money back into my purse and with an impatient women behind me me, creeping closer and closer to me, she kicked the basket.... Now, this was NOT my fault at all, but i turned around and apologised to her several times for A) Being a little slow squeezing the change into my purse (realistically it took about 10 seconds, if that), and B) For her kicking my basket... WTF? Even as i walked away i said sorry.... again! Perhaps it's the desire for people not to think bad of me, or hate me.... (BDD/Low self esteem talking)... i don't know. I just want to be liked i guess and if i apologise then...that's good, right?
I have no idea what i am talking about really....
....sorry ;)
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