BEING SARAH.......

... The best internet friends.... Thank you, to you lovely ladies.... Especially YOU with my fabulous gift in the post today.... I ♥ you.

...i just don't bother?

After MONTHS of having shitty fucked up skin, it had finally healed, that was until i decided to just take an exfoliating flannel to my forehead (saw some bumps under the skin) and scratch it to fucking shreds!!!

I had yet another panic attack yesterday.  Right before i was going to the boyfriends.  I was proper anxious about going, but i made myself anyway. Today, i've been to my friends and then round to the boyfriends brothers for coffee... We were out all morning until about 2.  However, since i left Tesco's on the way home, my mood has come crashing down to the point of when my sister and her family came round, i ended up crying. Just fucking hate myself, hate my life..... Hate everything right now.  I am so fed up again.  I hate being like this, feeling so depressed, out of no where...drives me insane. I'm going to get in the bath and soak my woes away.

Blood test results are in... CRP - Normal ESR - Normal Folate - Normal B12 - 172.0 - Deficient... Should be between 200.0 - 900.0. That would explain a few things....

...Just had a rather hideous panic attack, at home.....while doing nothing. Couldn't breathe...keep having waves of like breathlessness.....clammy hands....racing heart.... :(

...and it still looks pretty amazing... :)

...The BF is taking half a day.... and guess what?  He's spending it alone... I thought that perhaps it would be nice if he had suggested spending it together, after all, he had Sunday and Monday to himself.. doing what he wanted... , but no, he's rather sit in his house, doing whatever it is he does when he's by himself. It's a gorgeous day here, it would have been lovely for him to consider taking me somewhere... It's becoming apparent that he only wants to see me when it suits him.  I can't say for him to come round...especially if he wants a 'lazy day' because the answer will be no... How special do i feel?

...I asked him why he needed to 'blow up on me' when he's had a drink.  He said that's how he's always been.  I then asked, in the 2 years and 3 months we've been together, how many times have i shouted/lost my temper or started an argument... He could recall ONCE!  Not ONCE. I came out of the previous relationship that was fraught with anger, abuse and arguments, and i don't want that again - ever. His response was that i want 'Perfect relationship'.... NO I DON'T, because there is no such thing of perfect... I just explained to him if there is something he needs to get off his chest, then do it when he's not drinking and also instead of having it fester inside him, tell me straight away.  Usually his rows start with something so minor...but he winds himself up and then goes off....telling me about ALL his clients that are sick, who have cancer, who have all these illnesses and i should think myself "LUCKY"....... ....I am ...

...head and heart AGAIN! I'm NOT depressed at the moment, lets get that out of the way, in fact, despite not feeling the best, and having to go and have a shed load more tests today...i'm feeling okay, a little anxious, but nothing bad..... You know when you get that constant nagging feeling, that you need to address something and that feeling won't go away until it's sorted, well...i have that. RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. I am beginning to feel that he is resenting me for being this way. Why? Because he does have a tendency to have a go about my different problems, and now i am not feeling great, i am worried that this will inevitably come up in a row at some point, and i don't need that - i NEED/WANT support, not anger and resentment. To be honest, i am scared to tell him i am feeling shitty, because of his reaction. I don't think he's that into this relationship any more either..... I can sense it. Yes, he still calls me A LOT every day, but it...

There are some things I want you to know about me and my condition. I am not necessarily shy, that's not what a panic disorder is. I am an outgoing person who often feels trapped inside a wall of fear. I get really angry sometimes because what I feel like is the real me trapped behind my anxiety. I probably want to be affectionate and laid back and fun at any given time but you make me nervous. It's not your fault, it's just people- it's nothing you do or did. I can only become desensitized to people by spending a lot of time with them and even then sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, with some people, it works right away. I know that what I'm afraid of isn't real. I know that the threat is an illusion and that I'm not really going to get hurt, but my body is telling me otherwise. I try to talk myself out of it but "fight or flight" is one of the most basic and powerful instincts of the body, and it doesn't always listen. I am working...

...is when i get up in the morning, check my Google Feed and see that 'most' of my favourite bloggers, have blogged... (Apart from Miss Panic Room and Miss Lotte).... Shame on you two.... ;)

Cannot believe what i am watching. "Pushy and Proud - Diet crazy mums".... On Living TV. Basically mothers who MAKE their children diet to stupid extremes.

The ultra sound scan came back 'normal' - which is good... but now i am literally shitting myself.... I am so worried that i have bowel/colon cancer caused by excessive laxative abuse, which it CAN cause.... That would explain a lot of how i am feeling.... I'm still in agony....

The Notebook of Love I’ve fought many rivals. The worst were those who called themselves my friends My life. My choices. My problems. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business. Mind your own problems before you talk about mine Don't judge. Behind every person, there's always a reason why they are the way they are. The only people worthy to be in your life are the ones that help you through hard times, and laugh with you after the hard times pass. Letting go of someone special is hard but holding on to someone who doesn’t even feel the same is much harder. Cry as hard as you want to. But make sure, when you stop crying, you'll NEVER cry for the SAME reason again. When two people really care about each other, they will always look for a way to make it work, no matter how hard it is. Don't cry for your loss. God won't take anything from you without replacing it with something better. You're not my life, but you're the one I want to spend it ...

I'm not being a very good blogger, i think it's because i don't really have that much to say, and since all i do want to moan about is the state of my face, that would definitely get boring. So Friday, i went for my scan....that didn't go to plan. When i got in there, i hadn't drunk the water for long enough, therefore it hadn't reached my bladder making it impossible to see what she needed to see, so she went internally.. That was an interesting 10 minutes, having a probe 'probing' my insides... It hurt when she was finding my ovaries, but apart from that, it was okay - won't know the results until mid-week. I've been in constant pain since it started on Tuesday night, today though, it doesn't feel as stabbing as it has done, so i am happy about that. We were out early this morning doing our usual visits (much to my horror as i didn't want to go anywhere with THIS face), and now i am home, feeling really tired and sleepy. Not...

The Notebook of Love: Forgive the people who've hurt you or brought you down, because without them you'll never be able to learn. The wrong relationship will have you feeling more alone than when you were single. I never gave you a reason to hate me. You're just creating your own little drama out of pure insecurity. A persons true colors will always show within time. You may be fooled for the moment, but be patient and see what happens. Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. What hurts even more than losing someone you love, is knowing that they're not even fighting to keep you.

Called the doctors this morning to arrange a scan for me because the pain went up a notch, they said go to A&E because they'll do one straight away. Sat in A&E for 2 1/2 hours with a frigging cannula sticking out my arm and then sent home. Apparently Broomfield Hospital don't DO SCANS!!!!!!! WTF? Still in agony and really REALLY pissed off. *UPDATE* My doctor just called me with disgust of how i was treated today and is going to get me an ultra sound scan requested ASAP. Usually 7 days.... Hmmm..... *ANOTHER UPDATE* Doctor called back 5 minutes later, i have a scan booked at the local hospital for tomorrow afternoon. She's wonderful.

I thought i was dying last night. Had terrible pains in my 'area'..... My left side groin but over slightly to the right. I was so close to calling an ambulance...but i didn't... So i went to the doctors today, legs still not being able to be straightened and she said it could be an infection in my ovaries OR it could be an ovarian cyst... I'm being treated for an infection, which is strange cause i've never heard of it before, but only 2 weeks ago my sister had the exact same problems. I've got to have an ultrasound scan when the pain goes off a bit.... For now, it's antibiotics and co-codamol for the pain.

Wasn't intending on buying this today, but after another hideous bout of picking i had to go into Boots and buy myself some plasters to cover up the mess i'd made, YES, i DO wear plasters on my face and i don't give a shit.... Anyhoo, walked in the shop and there right in front of me, like it was meant to be, was a 4ft advert for Vichy Normaderm, especially for 'ACNE' prone skin... Okay, so i don't have acne, but i DO still get spots, and at my age.....i'll do anything NOT to get them, and then, i wouldn't have to pick... Looking at the range, which to be honest isn't big in our store - looked quite good. So i purchased... of course i did... ugh!!!

I woke up this morning, checked my Gmail account and there was the most adorable personal message from someone being very nice and very sweet.

This is what i use... Link for Vichy Dermablend and Bare minerals matt foundation. I have to say, despite the Vichy being very thick, you cannot see it on the skin, at all. I have bought well over 20/30 different kinds of foundations in the last couple of years, none of them cheap, i only use it on the blemish itself then blend it out and you can see nothing. I never use foundation ALL over the face, i despise the feeling of it on my skin. This really is a miracle 'camouflage' make up.

I have to face this problem which is a very real one. I know this is disgusting/hideous/ugly......but this is what i do. I have picked my face so much that it's really REALLY sore. I don't want to be judged...because i feel bad enough as it is.... This is me. I'm sorry if it makes you feel sick....but i want to be honest. My skin is discoloured/scarred/wrinkly/obviously i have NO make-up on. My eyes look dark and sunken, but i think this will give you an idea of why i hate myself so much... and this doesn't even start on the rest of my fucked up body. BEFORE AFTER - Thank God for Vichy Dermablend and Bare Minerals foundation...

Had the pleasure of seeing BG on Friday (when my gorgeous friend came to mine) and on Sunday when i went to see her... :)

..is not telling people EXACTLY how i feel. There is so much i could/should have said to certain people throughout my life and still to this very day, but i don't, at the risk of looking stupid, not being accepted, for either being judged/criticised or for possibly upsetting the other person despite me REALLY needing to talk....

MY FAVOURITE BIT.....I am STILL laughing at it.....

...when i have been receiving both barrels from the BF. Oh my goodness. I spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in tears because of how horrible he was to me. It started on Monday when he called me lazy, but it just got worse after that and ended up with him telling me to fuck off and he put the phone down on me. Lovely. Tuesday, not much better and yesterday the same. More of the same old shit. He hung up on me then too. WFT? How much of this am i meant to put up with? Do i have *MUG* written on my forehead? I know i am not perfect, i have my many problems, but all of which he knew about before he got with me. Let me give you a wee example. My periods have gone mental, 31 days between and only 4 days on, rather than the normal 28 days between and 7 days on. Anyway...he said why don't i have a hysterectomy, which i thought was rather drastic, so in response to that i said... ONE day, if we're not together i *MIGHT* meet someone who i want to have a baby with. Th...

If there is anything you want to know about me.... Just ask, i'll make another video :)

Getting him to smile was a task and a half.... But compared to this time last year... he looks so much more grown up! Year 7.... My son isn't the brightest spark. 5 minutes before he was meant to leave for school, he went into the bathroom to SHAVE his mono-brow, but unfortunately took a chunk out of the left eyebrow, so there i was, with the tweezers trying to make them look even. Great start to the morning ;)

I've spent the whole day watching the entire 3 series of the *Inbetweeners* on 4od. My reasoning... A LOT of people have been banging on about this show for a long time and i never bothered, or felt the need to watch it. Not my cup of tea, so i thought. However, since the film has been released i've seen more about it and it all being good reviews i wondered what all the fuss was about. So i decided to take a peak at Series 1, episode 1....and i haven't stopped since.... What a way to spend a day. It's really quite funny. Filthy/dirty/ humour.... lots of swearing, lots of 'teenage' nonsense, but still, it made me giggle, more than once. Not the intellectual shows that perhaps i should be watching, definitely not 'Question time'..... or any other current affairs show and really not a hard hitting documentary... Please don't judge me.... ;)

The boyfriend called me this morning and gave me both barrels saying that i don't try hard enough, that i have SO many problems he can't cope with them, he doesn't understand my skin picking....the list went on and on. In the end he told me to get to the fucking shop....stop being "LAZY"...... Now, of all the things you can call an agoraphobic, being called lazy doesn't go down too well. I am NOT lazy. I am scared. I still fear going out alone more than anything. Anyway, with that i put on my glasses and got on my sons bike and rode to the garage (AKA The Co-op). You can only ride so far and then i had to walk the rest of the way, it didn't take long, but the fear and anxiety as i got off the bike to walk was quite outstanding. I staggered into the shop like i was pissed, my hands were shaking, i felt sick, couldn't get a deep breath, proper anxiety.... Searching for coffee, round and around, couldn't see it anywhere.... For fucks sake.......

I was room bound for a long LONG time and i've just been on holiday for a week. WHY can't i see that as an accomplishment?

I bought my first ever Will Young CD this week after watching "An audience with...." and i have to say, he is pretty fantastic. Not my usual kind of music, however, i do buy a lot of music and i am willing to open my eyes to anyone who has a good voice.... This song is bloody brilliant. I love it.