Madder than a mad thing...

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The boyfriend called me this morning and gave me both barrels saying that i don't try hard enough, that i have SO many problems he can't cope with them, he doesn't understand my skin picking....the list went on and on. In the end he told me to get to the fucking shop....stop being "LAZY"...... Now, of all the things you can call an agoraphobic, being called lazy doesn't go down too well. I am NOT lazy. I am scared. I still fear going out alone more than anything.

Anyway, with that i put on my glasses and got on my sons bike and rode to the garage (AKA The Co-op). You can only ride so far and then i had to walk the rest of the way, it didn't take long, but the fear and anxiety as i got off the bike to walk was quite outstanding. I staggered into the shop like i was pissed, my hands were shaking, i felt sick, couldn't get a deep breath, proper anxiety.... Searching for coffee, round and around, couldn't see it anywhere.... For fucks sake.... By now, i was shitting myself. Finally spotted it and picked up and walked to the tills which of course there was a queue. For fucks sake (again). My turn and now my hands were noticeably shaking. Got out my purse and asked for 10 Malboro too. I left at the point of panic. I almost walked into 3 people who were standing outside. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there....

I had a little trot on through to where i left the bike and as soon as i got back on, i was fine. I am NOT happy though. I didn't need that this morning. Being moaned at doesn't help me, makes me feel like i don't try hard enough, but i do.... I WENT ON HOLIDAY!


Anyway - bottom line, i did it. I've not ventured to the shop alone for many many years.....



Comments

em said…
aw sarah, well done for going, but really that rush of anxiety doesnt feel so good. dont let others make you feel crap. perhaps smaller routes to start with? x
05/09/2011, 19:38
Sarah♥ said…
It's really not that far, the irony! But i guess because i've not done it for ages, it was horrible. I'll try again, when it stops raining ;)

Thank you for commenting though, hope you're well.. :)

x
05/09/2011, 19:46
vinny said…
IT LOOKS QUITE FAR ON THE MAP WELL DONE,ITS NOT NICE HE WAS AN ARSE WITH YOU THOUGH BUT MAYBE JUST MAYBE HE IS USING REVERSE PSHYCOLOGY <<< SOZ CAN'T SPELL BUT MAYBE HE THINKS IF HE IS NASTY TO YOU THEN YOU WILL THINK F*CK YOU I'M GONNA DO IT AND I WILL SHOW YOU YA LITTLE SH*T LOL,HOPE HE IS DOING IT FOR THAT REASON COS IF HE IS THEN ITS WORKING AND ALTHOUGH YOU HATED EVERY MOMENT OF IT AND WAS SCARED TO DEATH,YOU DID IT AND DESERVE A BIG WELL DONE,PLUS THE HOLIDAY TOO SO GOOD ON YA SWEETIE XX♥XX
05/09/2011, 22:00
Kaci said…
Great job getting to the shop! And I can't believe he called you lazy! I had a guy once say that to me too, it was so hurtful. And going on a holiday is a big deal, you are trying, he just doesn't understand how much effort it takes even to do little things sometimes!
05/09/2011, 22:37
Sarah♥ said…
Firstly Vinny - OMGosh, what a gorgeous little girl you have. Well done you. Hope she's being good to you too ;)

I don't know why he did it, i think he just an arguement this morning, and by the end of this evening that's what he got. He was nothing but mean to me, ALL DAY! I was sobbing my heart out at one point....GRRRRR.

Doesn't matter now, because i did it just to prove to him and myself that i could do it. Although crapping my pants the entire time ;)

xxx
05/09/2011, 22:43
Sarah♥ said…
Kaci.. I KNOW! Lazy...? Makes me so angry. If my house was a shit hole and my garden was a mess, i would gladly accept being called it, but they're not. Just because i don't work, doesn't make me lazy.

He SHOULD understand because he has a terrible fear of needles. He had to have hypnotherapy to have a blood test, whereas i can walk in, no problem and get blood drawn without a second thought. Him saying to me to just get up and go to the shop, would be okay, if i wasn't scared of going out alone, i did respond to him by saying "Go and get a blood test then..." and obviously he didn't like that. But it's the same principle. He hates needles and won't have a blood test, however, i HAVE to go to the shop otherwise i am not trying and i'm lazy, nothing to do with the fact that i am 100x more likely to panic when i'm alone...

So mad!
05/09/2011, 22:47
coffeecup said…
It's amazing what anger can do. I had an arguement with the old bag who lives across the street with me because she wouldn't let me pass down the side of her house to walk my dog. I was so friggin furious that I marched off into the fields and didn't stop until I realised I was a long way from home! Never thought about panic once.

I'll say you explained that panic pretty well!!! That's exactly what trips to the supermarket are like. Can't find what you want because it's all a big dancing blur in front of your eyes.

I hope your boyfriend doesn't think he can shout at you from now on and you'll be forced into doing things that cause you distress. Crikey. It's a good job I'm not in a relationship because I'd have thrown the coffee over him hot! Well done Sarah, despite the unkindness that was thrown at you I'm glad you're proud of your epic achievement. Good for you sweet girl!

XX
06/09/2011, 01:04
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